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  1. #1
    Domestic Domestique UnsafeAlpine's Avatar
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    In Honor of Robbie Burns

    Address to a Haggis.

    Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
    Great chieftain o' the pudding-race!
    Aboon them a' yet tak your place,
    Painch, tripe, or thairm:
    Weel are ye wordy o'a grace
    As lang's my arm.

    The groaning trencher there ye fill,
    Your hurdies like a distant hill,
    Your pin was help to mend a mill
    In time o'need,
    While thro' your pores the dews distil
    Like amber bead.

    His knife see rustic Labour dight,
    An' cut you up wi' ready sleight,
    Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
    Like ony ditch;
    And then, O what a glorious sight,
    Warm-reekin', rich!

    Then, horn for horn, they stretch an' strive:
    Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive,
    Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve
    Are bent like drums;
    Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
    Bethankit! hums.

    Is there that owre his French ragout
    Or olio that wad staw a sow,
    Or fricassee wad make her spew
    Wi' perfect sconner,
    Looks down wi' sneering, scornfu' view
    On sic a dinner?

    Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
    As feckles as wither'd rash,
    His spindle shank, a guid whip-lash;
    His nieve a nit;
    Thro' blody flood or field to dash,
    O how unfit!

    But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
    The trembling earth resounds his tread.
    Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
    He'll mak it whissle;
    An' legs an' arms, an' hands will sned,
    Like taps o' trissle.

    Ye Pow'rs, wha mak mankind your care,
    And dish them out their bill o' fare,
    Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
    That jaups in luggies;
    But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer
    Gie her a haggis!

  2. #2
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    I prefer the touchingly brilliant work of Ewan McTeagle

    Can I have fifty pounds to mend the shed?
    I'm right on my uppers.
    I can pay you back
    When this postal order comes from Australia.
    Honestly.
    Hope the bladder trouble's geting better.
    Love, Ewan
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    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  3. #3
    Domestic Domestique UnsafeAlpine's Avatar
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    It's Burns' 250 birthday today.

    Cheers jsharr, and anyone else that wants to partake with me.


  4. #4
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    cheers. will have a bit of The Glenlivet with you after the boys are tucked in.
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    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  5. #5
    phony collective progress x136's Avatar
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    So how's that veggie haggis treatin' ya, UA?

    Quote Originally Posted by UnsafeAlpine View Post
    Cheers jsharr, and anyone else that wants to partake with me.

    I didn't end up opening mine last night, but tonight I'll do so.

  6. #6
    Ogr8nwmypstmksnosnse pgoat's Avatar
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    what tha fook?
    Quote Originally Posted by jsharr View Post
    People whose sig line does not include a jsharr quote annoy me.

  7. #7
    Senior Member bgilchrist's Avatar
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    Mmmmm...haggis.

    I went to two burns nites this week.The second was much better than the first - as it should be, the second was much more expensive than the first.

  8. #8
    J3L 2404 gbcb's Avatar
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    Argh! Forgot to recite my ode to Kim Il Sung in the style of Robbie Burns on the actual day! Will post it here instead:

    Abune a cauld and mirky brae,
    o' Paektu's snaw, aneath the skies,
    whar Kim Jong Il, th' bairn is frae,
    a cozie, hamely haddin' lies.

    It hears at dawe the birdie's sang,
    tha' echoes ben the gracefu' morn.
    Sae hinny as he flees amang,
    Th' pine, th' larch, th' spruce
    - th' thorn.

    O haddin'! Bigg't by daddie Kim!
    Frae timmer made: Ye stand sae straught!
    Me heart's astir wi' thoughts o' him,
    Wha me to grit Pyongyang hae brought.

    But now, waesacks! His banes gae stiff!
    An' cauld as airn; He's here nae more!
    I'm wearie, fill't with dool an' grief!
    Me fiere, me daddie's, left the shore!

    O! Kim Il Sung, I'm fidgin-fain
    For ye! An' though ye've now passed on,
    I'll see your haddin' when ye're gaen,
    And ken tha' Juche isna faun.

    And sae, thegither, teuhgly stan',
    A-fiel'! We, wi' blithe spirits all!
    For bonnie is the Arirang,
    O! Kim Il Sung! We hear your call!

  9. #9
    . botto's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by x136 View Post
    So how's that veggie haggis treatin' ya, UA? : P

    I didn't end up opening mine last night, but tonight I'll do so. :bee r:
    vegetarian haggis just doesn't do it.

  10. #10
    Nothing here to see!!!!!! flyingscotsman's Avatar
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    Thankfully my haggis was not vegetarian last night.

    However as I have never tried vegetarain haggis, I will not knock it.

  11. #11
    . botto's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by flyingscotsman View Post
    Thankfully my haggis was not vegetarian last night.

    However as I have never tried vegetarain haggis, I will not knock it.
    having had both on many an occasion, you can be rest assured that there's plenty to knock.

  12. #12
    Domestic Domestique UnsafeAlpine's Avatar
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    Wouldn't vegetarian haggis sort of defeat the point of haggis?

  13. #13
    Nothing here to see!!!!!! flyingscotsman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by UnsafeAlpine View Post
    Wouldn't vegetarian haggis sort of defeat the point of haggis?
    Yes, but as companies make it, I would guess that people buy it.

    But that's why we have freedom of choice.

    Did you hear that carrot scream when I topped and tailed it

  14. #14
    blithering idiot jhota's Avatar
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    i'm just trying to figure out the "how" of vegetarian haggis. i mean, once you get rid of the heart, liver, lungs and stomach, it's nae haggis, is it?

    i was listening to an interesting newscast on the Beeb last week discussing "Address to a Haggis." they had an expert (of what sort, i do not know) who was expressing a reasoned opinion that Burns wrote the poem as a joke, and the current reverence towards the work was a bit out of keeping with the ode's original intent.

  15. #15
    Blasted Weeds Tude's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jhota View Post
    i'm just trying to figure out the "how" of vegetarian haggis. i mean, once you get rid of the heart, liver, lungs and stomach, it's nae haggis, is it?

    i was listening to an interesting newscast on the Beeb last week discussing "Address to a Haggis." they had an expert (of what sort, i do not know) who was expressing a reasoned opinion that Burns wrote the poem as a joke, and the current reverence towards the work was a bit out of keeping with the ode's original intent.
    Looks like there is such an "animal". Read one recipe - and they were stuffing onion skins with the "haggis" mixture..


  16. #16
    Nothing here to see!!!!!! flyingscotsman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tude View Post
    Looks like there is such an "animal". Read one recipe - and they were stuffing onion skins with the "haggis" mixture..


    Caledonian Kitchen Vegetarian Haggis Ingredients: Water, Pin Oats, Textured Vegetable Protein, Crushed Pecans, Canola Oil, Vegetable margarine, Black Beans, Field Peas, Mushrooms, Onions, Olive Oil, Nutritional Yeast and Spices

    Oh well I can not eat the veggie haggis, as I am allergic to one of the ingredients.

  17. #17
    Opus PATH's Avatar
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    The Ballad of How MacPherson Held the Floor


    Said President MacConnachie to Treasurer MacCall:
    "We ought to have a piper for our next Saint Andrew's Ball.
    Yon squakin' saxophone gives me the syncopated gripes.
    I'm sick of jazz, I want to hear the skirling of the pipes."
    "Alas! it's true," said Tam MacCall. "The young folk of to-day
    Are fox-trot mad and dinna ken a reel from Strathspey.
    Now, what we want's a kiltie lad, primed up wi' mountain dew,
    To strut the floor at supper time, and play a lilt or two.
    In all the North there's only one; of him I've heard them speak:
    His name is Jock MacPherson, and he lives on Boulder Creek;
    An old-time hard-rock miner, and a wild and wastrel loon,
    Who spends his nights in glory, playing pibrochs to the moon.
    I'll seek him out; beyond a doubt on next Saint Andrew's night
    We'll proudly hear the pipes to cheer and charm our appetite.

    Oh lads were neat and lassies sweet who graced Saint Andrew's Ball;
    But there was none so full of fun as Treasurer MacCall.
    And as Maloney's rag-time bank struck up the newest hit,
    He smiled a smile behind his hand, and chuckled: "Wait a bit."
    And so with many a Celtic snort, with malice in his eye,
    He watched the merry crowd cavort, till supper time drew nigh.
    Then gleefully he seemed to steal, and sought the Nugget Bar,
    Wherein there sat a tartaned chiel, as lonely as a star;
    A huge and hairy Highlandman as hearty as a breeze,
    A glass of whisky in his hand, his bag-pipes on his knees.
    "Drink down your doch and doris, Jock," cried Treasurer MacCall;
    "The time is ripe to up and pipe; they wait you in the hall.
    Gird up your loins and grit your teeth, and here's a pint of hooch
    To mind you of your native heath - jist pit it in your pooch.
    Play on and on for all you're worth; you'll shame us if you stop.
    Remember you're of Scottish birth - keep piping till you drop.
    Aye, though a bunch of Willie boys should bluster and implore,
    For the glory of the Highlands, lad, you've got to hold the floor."
    The dancers were at supper, and the tables groaned with cheer,
    When President MacConnachie exclaimed: "What do I hear?
    Methinks it's like a chanter, and its coming from the hall."
    "It's Jock MacPherson tuning up," cried Treasurer MacCall.
    So up they jumped with shouts of glee, and gaily hurried forth.
    Said they: "We never thought to see a piper in the North."
    Aye, all the lads and lassies braw went buzzing out like bees,
    And Jock MacPherson there they saw, with red and rugged knees.
    Full six foot four he strode the floor, a grizzled son of Skye,
    With glory in his whiskers and with whisky in his eye.
    With skelping stride and Scottish pride he towered above them all:
    "And is he no' a bonny sight?" said Treasurer MacCall.
    While President MacConnachie was fairly daft with glee,
    And there was jubilation in the Scottish Commy-tee.
    But the dancers seemed uncertain, and they signified their doubt,
    By dashing back to eat as fast as they had darted out.
    And someone raised the question 'twixt the coffee and the cakes:
    "Does the Piper walk to get away from all the noise he makes?"
    Then reinforced with fancy food they slowly trickled forth,
    And watching in patronizing mood the Piper of the North.

    Proud, proud was Jock MacPherson, as he made his bag-pipes skirl,
    And he set his sporran swinging, and he gave his kilts a whirl.
    And President MacConnachie was jumping like a flea,
    And there was joy and rapture in the Scottish Commy-tee.
    "Jist let them have their saxophones wi' constipated squall;
    We're having Heaven's music now," said Treasurer MacCall.
    But the dancers waxed impatient, and they rather seemed to fret
    For Maloney and the jazz of his Hibernian Quartette.
    Yet little recked the Piper, as he swung with head on high,
    Lamenting with MacCrimmon on the heather hill of Skye.
    With Highland passion in his heart he held the centre floor;
    Aye, Jock MacPherson played as he had never played before.

    Maloney's Irish melodists were sitting in their place,
    And as Maloney waited, there was wonder in his face.
    'Twas sure the gorgeous music - Golly! wouldn't it be grand
    If he could get MacPherson as a member of his band?
    But the dancers moped and mumbled, as around the room they sat:
    "We paid to dance," they grumbled; "But we cannot dance to that.
    Of course we're not denying that it's really splendid stuff;
    But it's mighty satisfying - don't you think we've had enough?"
    "You've raised a pretty problem," answered Treasurer MacCall;
    "For on Saint Andrew's Night, ye ken, the Piper rules the Ball."
    Said President MacConnachie: "You've said a solemn thing.
    Tradition holds him sacred, and he's got to have his fling.
    But soon, no doubt, he'll weary out. Have patience; bide a wee."
    "That's right. Respect the Piper," said the Scottish Commy-tee.



    And so MacPherson stalked the floor, and fast the moments flew,
    Till half an hour went past, as irritation grew and grew.
    The dancers held a council, and with faces fiercely set,
    They hailed Maloney, heading his Hibernian Quartette:
    "It's long enough, we've waited. Come on, Mike, play up the Blues."
    And Maloney hesitated, but he didn't dare refuse.
    So banjo and piano, and guitar and saxophone
    Contended with the shrilling of the chanter and the drone;
    And the women's ears were muffled, so infernal was the din,
    But MacPherson was unruffled, for he knew that he would win.
    Then two bright boys jazzed round him, and they sought to play the clown,
    But MacPherson jolted sideways, and the Sassenachs went down.
    And as if it was a signal, with a wild and angry roar,
    The gates of wrath were riven - yet MacPherson held the floor.

    Aye, amid the rising tumult, still he strode with head on high,
    With ribbands gaily streaming, yet with battle in his eye.
    Amid the storm that gathered, still he stalked with Highland pride,
    While President and Treasurer sprang bravely to his side.
    And with ire and indignation that was glorious to see,
    Around him in a body ringed the Scottish Commy-tee.
    Their teeth were clenched with fury; their eyes with anger blazed:
    "Ye manna touch the Piper," was the slogan that they raised.
    Then blows were struck, and men went down; yet 'mid the rising fray
    MacPherson towered in triumph - and he never ceased to play.

    Alas! his faithful followers were but a gallant few,
    And faced defeat, although they fought with all the skill they knew.
    For President MacConnachie was seen to slip and fall,
    And o'er his prostrate body stumbled Treasurer MacCall.
    And as their foes with triumph roared, and leagured them about,
    It looked as if their little band would soon be counted out.
    For eyes were black and noses red, yet on that field of gore,
    As resolute as Highland rock - MacPherson held the floor.

    Maloney watched the battle, and his brows were bleakly set,
    While with him paused and panted his Hibernian Quartette.
    For sure it is an evil spite, and breaking to the heart,
    For Irishman to watch a fight and not be taking part.
    Then suddenly on high he soared, and tightened up his belt:
    "And shall we see them crush," he roared, "a brother and a Celt?
    A fellow artiste needs our aid. Come on, boys, take a hand."
    Then down into the mêlée dashed Maloney and his band.

    Now though it was Saint Andrew's Ball, yet men of every race,
    That bow before the Great God Jazz were gathered in that place.
    Yea, there were those who grunt: "Ya! Ya!" and those who squeak: "We! We!"
    Likewise Dutch, Dago, Swede and Finn, Polack and Portugee.
    Yet like ripe grain before the gale that national hotch-potch
    Went down before the fury of the Irish and the Scotch.
    Aye, though they closed their gaping ranks and rallied to the fray,
    To the Shamrock and the Thistle went the glory of the day.

    You should have seen the carnage in the drooling light of dawn,
    Yet 'mid the scene of slaughter Jock MacPherson playing on.
    Though all lay low about him, yet he held his head on high,
    And piped ass if he stood upon the caller crags of Skye.
    His face was grim as granite, and no favour did he ask,
    Though weary were his mighty lungs and empty was his flask.
    And when a fallen foe wailed out: "Say! when will you have done?"
    MacPherson grinned and answered: "Hoots! She'll only haf' begun."
    Aye, though his hands were bloody, and his knees were gay with gore,
    A Grampian of Highland pride - MacPherson held the floor.

    And still in Yukon valleys where the silent peaks look down,
    They tell of how the Piper was invited up to town,
    And he went in kilted glory, and he piped before them all,
    But wouldn't stop his piping till busted up the Ball.
    Of that Homeric scrap they speak, and how the fight went on,
    With sally and with rally till the breaking of the dawn.
    And how the Piper towered like a rock amid the fray,
    And the battle surged about him, but he never ceased to play.
    Aye, by the lonely camp-fires, still they tell the story o'er-
    How the Sassenach was vanquished and - MacPherson held the floor.


    IF IT'S NOT SCOTTISH IT"S CRAP
    Go raibh an chóir ghaoithe i gcónaí liom!

    2007 Specialized Tricross Comp Triple, 2007 Trek T1, 2006 Specialized Roubaix
    2006 Bianchi Cross Concept, 1989 Miyata Sportrunner, 2006 Bianchi Axis, 2008 Specialized Crosstrail Expert







    Lullaby Of Foo

    Now I lay me down to sleep
    Keep my bike safe from the bicycle thief
    Keep my tootsies toasty warm
    keep my carbon from any harm

    Good Night Road Bike
    Good Night Moutain Bike
    Good night all you Foosters
    And good night Moon

  18. #18
    GATC
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    All I've had lately is gummy haggis:



    which is not veggie by the way

  19. #19
    Blasted Weeds Tude's Avatar
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    Oh looky!

    Cocktail Haggis!!!


  20. #20
    Nothing here to see!!!!!! flyingscotsman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tude View Post
    Oh looky!

    Cocktail Haggis!!!

    Too Funny, though I have been in MacSween's a number of years ago.

    I prefer the fried haggis with my bacon egg & black pudding.

  21. #21
    phony collective progress x136's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by botto View Post
    vegetarian haggis just doesn't do it.
    I really can't imagine it would. Haggis seems like one of those things that you either go for whole hog (err, sheep), or not at all.

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