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  1. #1
    superArti artifice's Avatar
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    friend falling out.

    ok foo, time for a friend dilemma. For some reason I think I might have posted this before? Anyway, its still bugging me

    Last summer my best friend dropped me like a hot potato. She'd make plans (right down the road from me) and not include me. I feel like we've been drifting apart anyway (ie. all she did was party, and I'm getting out of that stage), so I just let it go as I was consumed with a lot of good things that were going on in my life, didn't want the drama.

    She came back around in the fall with apologies and tears when my dad passed away (the first I saw her in a couple months was the funeral) and explained she'd been incredibly depressed and it was difficult being around me (essentially she was depressed and jealous of my life: new job, awesome apartment, a boyfriend-- all things she wanted). We chatted about her problems, and in short I'd say we were back on better terms.

    During "her" falling out (not mine, as I never had an issue) she booked a trip to Vegas with some friends-- didn't include me (we've always been vacation friends). I let it go as whatever she had been dealing with.

    We chat now & then on the phone. I'd say our friendship isn't the same, I don't depend on her, but she seems to call me when she's having a bad day (or maybe nobody else answers?)

    I get the feeling via facebook she's booked a spring vacation, and again not included me. Despite her apologies of being a bad friend, etc. -- ?

    I'm tired of the excuse "its had being around you, I'm jealous and depressed". I don't really understand depression. Is this even legit? Sounds like a load of crap to me.

    Its hard losing a friend.
    i woke up one morning and i stepped out of bed | had to get a bike, had to paint it red
    Of all the treasures I have, itís the memories that are the most precious.

  2. #2
    On my TARDIScycle! KingTermite's Avatar
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    Real depression is very legit, but it sounds like she doesn't have real depression; she's just using it as an excuse as to why she's been such a biatch.

    I had a very similar experience when I was about your age. I vote to do what I did. Just keep you distance and let her do any contacting of you. Just let the friendship drift away as you know it will. She's jealous but not ready to grow up yet...if you try to stay around her, she'll only drag you down.

    Drift away, Arti. Drift away.
    Quote Originally Posted by coffeecake View Post
    - it's pretty well established that Hitler was an *******.

  3. #3
    Who farted? Ka_Jun's Avatar
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    She resents you. Depression & resentment built up towards you, legit? Yeah, if she feels that way. Logical, probably not. Did you really want to be included in her plans or were you just hurt that you were excluded?

  4. #4
    superArti artifice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KingTermite View Post
    Real depression is very legit, but it sounds like she doesn't have real depression; she's just using it as an excuse as to why she's been such a biatch.

    I had a very similar experience when I was about your age. I vote to do what I did. Just keep you distance and let her do any contacting of you. Just let the friendship drift away as you know it will. She's jealous but not ready to grow up yet...if you try to stay around her, she'll only drag you down.

    Drift away, Arti. Drift away.
    Thanks for your thoughts, KT! That is my impression, too, you hit the nail on the head.
    There is still a bitter feeling to losing a friend and confidant, but its out of my hands. I pretty much refuse to pick up the phone and say "you're doing it again", thinking she probably already knows.
    i woke up one morning and i stepped out of bed | had to get a bike, had to paint it red
    Of all the treasures I have, itís the memories that are the most precious.

  5. #5
    superArti artifice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ka_Jun View Post
    Did you really want to be included in her plans or were you just hurt that you were excluded?
    Thats a good question, and something I've been doing some soul searching on. Growing up and growing apart don't have to go hand-in hand. I think I'm hurt I wasn't included, I'd like to have been given an option-
    i woke up one morning and i stepped out of bed | had to get a bike, had to paint it red
    Of all the treasures I have, itís the memories that are the most precious.

  6. #6
    On my TARDIScycle! KingTermite's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    Thanks for your thoughts, KT! That is my impression, too, you hit the nail on the head.
    There is still a bitter feeling to losing a friend and confidant, but its out of my hands. I pretty much refuse to pick up the phone and say "you're doing it again", thinking she probably already knows.
    I understand the "bitter feeling to losing a friend and confidant" part. It's been over 15 years since I spoke with (heard from) my then best friend, Ed and I still wonder what he's doing now and then, but I don't regret the decision.
    Quote Originally Posted by coffeecake View Post
    - it's pretty well established that Hitler was an *******.

  7. #7
    On my TARDIScycle! KingTermite's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    I think I'm hurt I wasn't included, I'd like to have been given an option-
    From her point of view...maybe you've grown up enough to not be as fun when it comes to 'partying'. It may be a good sign that you aren't invited....further evidence you are going in the right direction and she's remaining stagnant (for now).
    Quote Originally Posted by coffeecake View Post
    - it's pretty well established that Hitler was an *******.

  8. #8
    superArti artifice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KingTermite View Post
    I understand the "bitter feeling to losing a friend and confidant" part. It's been over 15 years since I spoke with (heard from) my then best friend, Ed and I still wonder what he's doing now and then, but I don't regret the decision.
    Sorry to hear that.
    It seems I have a lot of guy friends- who I really adore and cherish (and think for the most part I relate better to guys), so its a real bummer to lose one of my only close gal friends. OMG who is going to go shopping with me, now?
    i woke up one morning and i stepped out of bed | had to get a bike, had to paint it red
    Of all the treasures I have, itís the memories that are the most precious.

  9. #9
    superArti artifice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KingTermite View Post
    From her point of view...maybe you've grown up enough to not be as fun when it comes to 'partying'. It may be a good sign that you aren't invited....further evidence you are going in the right direction and she's remaining stagnant (for now).
    yeah, I think there is a good chance I'm no fun. That's one of the things that is a bummer some days, but its all part of the life cycle.

    I actually really worry about her partying- drinking and sleeping around, when I get these phone calls, crying: "omg I slept with someone again and now I haven't heard form him... why do I sleep with everyone?"...

    I have a tendency to protect and nurture, which is part of what makes it hard to walk away even when I'm getting the short end of the stick.
    i woke up one morning and i stepped out of bed | had to get a bike, had to paint it red
    Of all the treasures I have, itís the memories that are the most precious.

  10. #10
    Bring May Flowers aprilm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    Its hard losing a friend.
    A "friend" that doesn't want me as a friend nor treats me like a friend quickly becomes an aquaintance. I had a friend like this... she'd come around when it was convenient for her, and was never supportive of anything I did, unless it was to her benefit. She was my roommate (my house) when I lived in Omaha. Neither of us has reached out to the other since I moved to Austin, and I don't regret it.

  11. #11
    Who farted? Ka_Jun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    Thats a good question, and something I've been doing some soul searching on. Growing up and growing apart don't have to go hand-in hand. I think I'm hurt I wasn't included, I'd like to have been given an option-
    She'll strike at you, jealously is a crazy thing. KT is right, if it's fading, then unless her friendship is really valuable and you believe it can be salvaged, best to perhaps let it go gently. If she's intentionally excluding you now...signs that don't bode well.

    Lost a good friend, a really good friend after we had grown apart.

  12. #12
    Who farted? Ka_Jun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    yeah, I think there is a good chance I'm no fun. That's one of the things that is a bummer some days, but its all part of the life cycle.

    I actually really worry about her partying- drinking and sleeping around, when I get these phone calls, crying: "omg I slept with someone again and now I haven't heard form him... why do I sleep with everyone?"...

    I have a tendency to protect and nurture, which is part of what makes it hard to walk away even when I'm getting the short end of the stick.
    Gah. Sounds like she's using you as an emotional crutch.

  13. #13
    superArti artifice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aprilm View Post
    A "friend" that doesn't want me as a friend nor treats me like a friend quickly becomes an aquaintance. I had a friend like this... she'd come around when it was convenient for her, and was never supportive of anything I did, unless it was to her benefit. She was my roommate (my house) when I lived in Omaha. Neither of us has reached out to the other since I moved to Austin, and I don't regret it.
    aw, im sorry to hear about that, thanks for sharing your experience. friendship is a funny thing isn't it? losing a friend is almost like breaking up with a boyfriend- you just have to cut em off.
    i woke up one morning and i stepped out of bed | had to get a bike, had to paint it red
    Of all the treasures I have, itís the memories that are the most precious.

  14. #14
    superArti artifice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ka_Jun View Post
    Gah. Sounds like she's using you as an emotional crutch.
    yeah, I'm kind of waiting for the next time the phone rings, to decide if I want to call her out on it or just not answer at all.
    i woke up one morning and i stepped out of bed | had to get a bike, had to paint it red
    Of all the treasures I have, itís the memories that are the most precious.

  15. #15
    On my TARDIScycle! KingTermite's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    yeah, I'm kind of waiting for the next time the phone rings, to decide if I want to call her out on it or just not answer at all.
    No need to call her out and turn it into a fight that may hurt both of you. Better to just let it fade away. If she calls, don't answer. Maybe email her a day or two later to say you missed the call and ask her what's up. That sort of thing....it will quickly turn into fewer and fewer contacts until you are just more like acquaintances.
    Quote Originally Posted by coffeecake View Post
    - it's pretty well established that Hitler was an *******.

  16. #16
    superArti artifice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KingTermite View Post
    No need to call her out and turn it into a fight that may hurt both of you. Better to just let it fade away. If she calls, don't answer. Maybe email her a day or two later to say you missed the call and ask her what's up. That sort of thing....it will quickly turn into fewer and fewer contacts until you are just more like acquaintances.
    yeahhhh you are probably right.

    how bout an email like
    "sorry I missed your call! I've been so busy here in Denver its hard to find time to catch up. Things are going better than I imagined moving out here!!! "

    i woke up one morning and i stepped out of bed | had to get a bike, had to paint it red
    Of all the treasures I have, itís the memories that are the most precious.

  17. #17
    On my TARDIScycle! KingTermite's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    yeahhhh you are probably right.

    how bout an email like
    "sorry I missed your call! I've been so busy here in Denver its hard to find time to catch up. Things are going better than I imagined moving out here!!! "

    Don't forget to mention you are looking at houses because you are thinking about buying.
    Quote Originally Posted by coffeecake View Post
    - it's pretty well established that Hitler was an *******.

  18. #18
    superArti artifice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KingTermite View Post
    Don't forget to mention you are looking at houses because you are thinking about buying.
    naw. she bought a house and wants nothing but out. i'll tell her i'm looking at amazing apartments in a trendy district downtown.
    i woke up one morning and i stepped out of bed | had to get a bike, had to paint it red
    Of all the treasures I have, itís the memories that are the most precious.

  19. #19
    SERENITY NOW!!! jyossarian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    Sorry to hear that.
    It seems I have a lot of guy friends- who I really adore and cherish (and think for the most part I relate better to guys), so its a real bummer to lose one of my only close gal friends. OMG who is going to go shopping with me, now?
    The gay one of course.

    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    I actually really worry about her partying- drinking and sleeping around, when I get these phone calls, crying: "omg I slept with someone again and now I haven't heard form him... why do I sleep with everyone?"...
    Does she like earnest, almost college boys?
    HHCMF - Take pride in your ability to amaze lesser mortals! - MikeR



    We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!

  20. #20
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    It is hard, but you aren't the only one, of course.

    I had a best friend from 7th grade until college. We were text-book best friends and it was awesome. Then he dates a girl and she forced him to go to her church. My friend then gets a theology degree and becomes a pastor.

    One day he sent me an email that said, "I can't be friends with you anymore because you are part of my old life." We went from absolutely best friends one day to never talking again the next day--no exaggeration. We weren't drifting apart before this, either. What happened? He got married a week before he wrote me the email. He isn't allowed to see his parents anymore, either, from what I understand. Hmmm....

    He has been sending me emails here and there asking to get together. It's been 7 years and he has cancelled literally an hour before we are supposed to get together every single time, for 7 years. Whatever.

    I used to be a guy who went shopping with all my female friends. Heck, I used to help them change clothes sometimes, and some of them were married! Oh, how horrible that sounds now, but it seemed appropriate at the time, and their husbands knew this, knew I was straight as an arrow, and didn't show concern. Of course I was single and this was 8-9 years ago... Haha.

  21. #21
    Who farted? Ka_Jun's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=jyossarian;8269858]The gay one of course.


    Does she like earnest, almost college boys?[/QUOTE]


    Okay, straight up, that was funny.

  22. #22
    Ogr8nwmypstmksnosnse pgoat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    Thats a good question, and something I've been doing some soul searching on. Growing up and growing apart don't have to go hand-in hand. I think I'm hurt I wasn't included, I'd like to have been given an option-
    Dunno how you feel about it, arti, but maybe this is something you should communicate to her. She may be so wrapped up in her own issues and have such an unrealistic image of you that she is not considering your feelings.

    If those feelings are made clear to her she might surprise you and be more supportive and open to your needs. I've seen this happen in some cases with people.
    Quote Originally Posted by jsharr View Post
    People whose sig line does not include a jsharr quote annoy me.

  23. #23
    carbon positive lifestyle carbonlife's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by artifice View Post
    I have a tendency to protect and nurture, which is part of what makes it hard to walk away even when I'm getting the short end of the stick.
    Don't ever lose that! Wouldn't want artifice to become cold and cynical. It's more of a burden as you deal with friends with problems who take advantage of you, but it's still a better way to be.

    You are a rational, articulate person, why don't you tell her exactly what you've told us? If you are afraid she will have a bad reaction on the phone and say something that will piss you off, you can always say it in an e-mail. Might be better that way anyways, it will help you organize your thoughts. I'm not sure if "Minnesota nice" is the best way.

  24. #24
    On my TARDIScycle! KingTermite's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pgoat View Post
    Dunno how you feel about it, arti, but maybe this is something you should communicate to her. She may be so wrapped up in her own issues and have such an unrealistic image of you that she is not considering your feelings.

    If those feelings are made clear to her she might surprise you and be more supportive and open to your needs. I've seen this happen in some cases with people.
    I don't think so. It's a nice thought, but its not what's going down.

    This is textbook one friend growing up and the other not growing up. This is common and why many childhood friends don't continue friends into adulthood.

    Drift away.....drift away.
    Quote Originally Posted by coffeecake View Post
    - it's pretty well established that Hitler was an *******.

  25. #25
    Grumpy Member trsidn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ka_Jun View Post
    She resents you. Depression & resentment built up towards you, legit? Yeah, if she feels that way. Logical, probably not. Did you really want to be included in her plans or were you just hurt that you were excluded?
    bingo
    Quote Originally Posted by Mariah View Post
    Transcendental enumeration.

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