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  1. #26
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    My mother stayed with my father for the good of the kids. Being that she was miserable we did not have the best childhood. Many a time the welfare of the parent directly impacts the child. Him living in a stressful house with parents in a deteriorating relationship is one of the main reasons I have started thinking about a divorce. His well being is my main priority and an additional reason it has taken me this long to come to a decision (or close to one). My kid and I are as close as a father and son can get. I hope that I can protect him as this goes forward.

  2. #27
    Administrator CbadRider's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DataJunkie View Post
    13) In the meantime she blows additional cash and drains our poor account of funds.
    Have you set up your own separate bank account yet? If not, you should just so she can't continually drain the household funds.
    Quote Originally Posted by toddles View Post
    So Tom only hires people that are nutty? Is part of the requirement to be a moderator on this site is that you have to be nuts??
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  3. #28
    Decrepit Member Abacus's Avatar
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    I feel and understand your pain DJ.

    My previous mariage ended some time after my wife developed paranoid schizophrenia. By this stage we had two young children, born before my wife's illness was diagnosed. I can fully appreciate what you are going through.

    There is no easy answer. The most important issue is the welfare of your child. Would your wife be prepared to give you custody? (In my case the children have been with me since my ex violently attacked my 4yo daughter).

    Without custody you are between a rock and the hard place. If she has the child you will have to pay child support. She will p*ss the child support up against the wall, and you will have to be directly involved in the child's welfare anyway. Provided you and your wife can bear to live with one another and provide a non-hostile environment, there is a compelling argument to work it out.

    Does she have real insight into her condition?. Is the psychiatric intervention working? If so, maybe you can work it through, provided you retain absolute control over your household's finances.

    Like I said, there is no easy solution. Regardless of what happens, you are in for a hard ride. Make sure you get professional support for yourself before your own judgement gets impaired by stress and anxiety. I didn't, and it was a massive mistake.

    You are going to need better support and advice than what you will find on an internet cycling forum.

    Based on my own experience I really suggest you save the marriage if you can, but you have to put the welfare of your young one first and foremost.
    Last edited by Abacus; 04-21-09 at 02:26 PM.

  4. #29
    Senior Member DannoXYZ's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about your troubles. It's unfortunate that your wife is yet another victim of the U.S./Hollywood money-based culture where your self-worth and security is dictated by money. Suze Orman has a good book out for women in this exact predicament. Regardless of how things turn out, this would be a good resource for her. Good luck!

  5. #30
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    I believe it also a part of the illness.
    Unfortunately, she wants control over the finances but when she has control the spending goes insane.
    Supposedly she was stable but until I forced the marriage counseling her doctors had no clue.
    Now her meds are being adjusted every couple weeks with corresponding appointments.
    I would like to work it out. Hence the reason we are taking a few weeks to think it out. However, a telling fact is that she appears to not want to work it out.
    Anyhow, like I said it is not all said and done but one way or the other things have to change. One particular course of action is looking more and more likely.

  6. #31
    staring at the mountains superdex's Avatar
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    +1 on the documentation; she may be cordial and amicable now, but if(when) you actually file and go through the mechanics, she may completely wig out, and you'll need to be protected.

    I understand staying together for the sake of your son, but it appears an unhealthy marriage would bleed over to an unhealthy mother-son relationship too?

    Hang in there, in your gut you know you're on the right track, as painful as it may seem now.

    (and if you want to meet up for lunch and get your mind off this for a few minutes I'll be there)

  7. #32
    Portland Fred banerjek's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DataJunkie View Post
    I am still doubting the choice. It just seems so much easier to keep taking the BS and stay together.
    It seems like after being married for 13 years we should be able to get over any obstacle in our way. I
    Quote Originally Posted by DataJunkie View Post
    It does not help that I am insanely stubborn. Thoughts like "I can make anything work. I will force this to work out." have drug this on and on.
    Hey DJ, I'm really sorry to hear about this.

    I used to belong to the school of thought that if you can make something work more than 10 years, you can make it work forever. With time, I've come to doubt if that's true, but even if it is, the real question is why you would force this to work out. You've posted about your situation before, so it's a safe bet that you are not experiencing some short term reaction.

    Cyclists are masochists -- that is why some people make their muscles scream or push themselves until they literally drop. This sort of approach is not good in your personal life.

    I'm a huge fan of real commitments and sticking things out when the going gets tough. However, reality is that your wife can't get better until she decides she needs to. It's good that she's going to therapy and taking meds. But, if she's just going through the motions or thinks it's BS, there's no real hope.

    You have stayed together because of your boy. Your heart is obviously in the right place, but you should consider the possibility that you leaving could make you a happier and better parent for him. That also could be just the jolt your wife needs to get her own life back on track.

    I'm not saying that leaving necessarily is the ticket, but it's conceivable it's the path that will do everyone the most good. Whatever you do, make your decision and have no regrets.

  8. #33
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    Hi DJ,

    My heart's heavy hearing about your predicament; I can see how you cherish your wife and what the two of you had and could have, if things were different.

    My request of you is to think about that caring and love and remember that you need it for yourself, and the situation you've had seems pretty clearly not to have it for you. As others have said, for your kid to thrive, you can't be in constant conflict and pain. The conflict of a divorce, even a pretty amicable one, is terrible, and probably worse in the short term, but the long term of being with someone who refuses to do what's needed for her own health sounds a hell of a lot worse to me.

    You say you're taking some time--by all means do that. And, I'd also say, please use some of that time to decide on some objective standards to make your decision with. It's all too easy to say vague crap like "well, if things seem better, I'll stick with it." Things can "seem" better just because you've had time not to deal with the hell of someone else's irresponsibility. Then you get on the carousel for another round. Decide what your limits are and honour them--that's only self-respect. And if you're giving disrespect to yourself, and that's what you have to offer your wife, is that really what she needs?

    Whatever comes out of this, I hope you'll take special care with your own integrity and health--sacrificing yourself for "the relationship", as you've said yourself, doesn't really help anyone.
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  9. #34
    Found my way <3 2 Ride's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by banerjek View Post
    You have stayed together because of your boy. Your heart is obviously in the right place, but you should consider the possibility that you leaving could make you a happier and better parent for him. That also could be just the jolt your wife needs to get her own life back on track.
    I spent 15 years of my life with the father of my children, stayed with him for the children for as long as I possibly could. Then I realized what banerjek expressed...I could be a better parent to my children if I got out of the relationship that was making me so unhappy and stressed out all the time.

    I totally understand and admire your desire to try to work it out. Divorce is not an easy process and it is difficult for children to understand. It is a heart-wrenching, emotional, depressing, life-altering decision that only you can make. You will doubt yourself. You will wonder if you could really make it work. You will mourn the loss of the life you have known for so long. When you come out on the other side, life is so much clearer and brighter. Surround yourself with friends and family who love and support you. Either way you decide, it sounds like you are going to need it.

    It is entirely possible to go through the process and come out friends on the other side. It is also possible to minimize the costs if you can work through it without arguing. However, as others have said, CYA...document, document, document and be prepared with a few recommendations for good attorneys in case she decides to change her mind about being amicable.

    I am sorry to hear about your troubles. Know that there are others out here that have gone through this same thing. We are just a PM or foo-call away.
    When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace. - Jimi Hendrix

    Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans. - John Lennon


  10. #35
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    I'd have quit after 3)

    Divorce, get your son.

    Try and be happy and enjoy the rest of your life.

  11. #36
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    Thank you all so much.
    I have plenty to think about.
    One nice thing will be the abundance of time to contemplate this when I am driving to vegas to pick up my brother.

  12. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Playdoh View Post
    I'd have quit after 3)

    Divorce, get your son.

    Try and be happy and enjoy the rest of your life.
    Stubbornness <> intelligence

    My excuse is that I was younger back then.

  13. #38
    Senior Member mustang1's Avatar
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    Hello dj, like the others I too am sorry to hear what you are going through. My thoughts are with you and I hope everything works out to evrryones benefit. It especially your sons. I don't know you, but, and sorry to sound vaguely errr wierd, but bf has been a help to me in the past and I wish icould help you guys in retur. All I can say is I hope this turns out the way that is reasonable for you. Good lick and keep your chin up.

    On second thoughts maybe I should re edit my post so as not to sound wierd but what the heck I've written it now and the delete key on iPhone is kinda laggy
    1992 Peugeot mtb, gone
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  14. #39
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    Do you really love her? I mean the kind of love that makes a man think of nothing but his beautiful wife, how much she means to you, how so very fortunate you are to have her.

    If you do not think of your wife this way, like I do mine, then it is time to turn the page.

  15. #40
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    I used to.

  16. #41
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    I am sorry. . .

  17. #42
    BF's Level 12 Wizard SingingSabre's Avatar
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    If my parents had stayed together, I don't think I'd be a good a person as I am today.

    DJ, do the best thing for yourself and your kids.
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    Obviously, the guy's like a 12th level white wizard or something. His mere presence is a danger to mortals.

  18. #43
    The Site Administrator: Currently at home recovering from a couple of strokes,please contact my assistnt admins for forum issues Tom Stormcrowe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DataJunkie View Post
    Thank you all.
    Keep the advice coming. I need as many opinions as possible to help me make the right decision.
    I am also talking with coworkers, my family, looking up options on the net, and plan on reading a book or two. I prefer to not go into any situation clueless.
    Do what is right for you. Simple as that. You need to protect your sanity, and deserve a good life, so make your choice based on whatever that is, either way.
    on light duty due to illness; please contact my assistants for forum issues. They are Siu Blue Wind, or CbadRider or the other 3 star folk. I am currently at home recovering from a couple of strokes. I am making good progress, happily.


    . “He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”- Fredrick Nietzsche

    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." - Immanuel Kant

  19. #44
    your nightmare gal chipcom's Avatar
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    Keep your chin up and your head on straight DJ. You've done the heroic thing long enough...in the real world even heroes can't always save the day and make everybody happy...the time has come to do what you gotta do to protect yourself...and by doing so protecting your kid.

    Keep that in mind through all this...even though divorce isn't easy on the kids, they do get over it and it may be much better than some of the other alternatives. Letting your wife drag you down until she hits her bottom isn't doing your kid any good...YOU gotta protect you to protect your kid.

    PM me anytime if you need to think out loud or vent. I'm praying for you all, brother.
    "Let us hope our weapons are never needed --but do not forget what the common people knew when they demanded the Bill of Rights: An armed citizenry is the first defense, the best defense, and the final defense against tyranny. If guns are outlawed, only the government will have guns. Only the police, the secret police, the military, the hired servants of our rulers. Only the government -- and a few outlaws. I intend to be among the outlaws" - Edward Abbey

  20. #45
    Decrepit Member Abacus's Avatar
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    The unknown factor in all this is who will get custody of the boy. In Australia the Family Court is known to make bizarre decisions, more often than not favouring the mother, even when she is clearly unfit.

    I don't know what the situation is in the US. I imagine it would be similar.

    You need to get legal advice regarding the likelihood that you would get custody of your son before you do anything. Also weigh up the financial costs of fighting the legal war, the cost of child support if your wife gets full or shared custody, and so on.

  21. #46
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    Yes, it is a bit disconcerting.
    It is now more likely that a father can get custody. However, a bias does exist for the woman.
    That being said I do not feel she is unfit but could make a go at it if need be. IE she decided that she wants full custody and does this by spreading lies.
    Ideally joint custody is what I would like. Still the prospect of having this decided by the courts is confusing. I would guess that if both parents want joint custody it would be granted. Yet another item to talk about and research.
    My poor brain is going to explode.

  22. #47
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    http://www.coloradodivorceinfo.com/

    http://www.divorcesource.com/info/di...colorado.shtml

    http://www.colorado-family-law.com/

    Here are some useful links. The more educated you are about the process, the easier to make informed decisions.
    Regards, MillCreek
    Snohomish County, Washington USA

  23. #48
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    Cool. Thanks

  24. #49
    Look! My Spine! RubenX's Avatar
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    As expected, you all knew that RubenX had to chime in on this one...

    First let me say that I'm really sorry. Divorce is a tough one to swallow, with or without kids (tougher with kids tho). Sending all my positive thoughts your way...

    About your situation... nobody can tell you what to do, that's for you to decide. But if you do separate and she gets your kid, please be prepared to rescue the kid at some point in the future. There is a great possibility that she will go trough some very though times due to her bad finances (evictions, energy being cut off, etc). And the tough part it's gonna be to stand there, looking at your kid going trough all this. I've been there...

    In my case, when that happened I rescued them both. Big mistake, I should have rescued my boy and nobody else. Now I'm back to square one, having the exact same money issues as before and now the kids are two.

    Good luck my friend...

  25. #50
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    If I felt that it was likely she would get full custody I am not sure if I would proceed with this. However, by the time that would present itself it could very well be too late.
    Plenty of things to ponder.

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