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Old 04-22-09, 09:05 AM   #51
RubenX 
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If I felt that it was likely she would get full custody I am not sure if I would proceed with this. However, by the time that would present itself it could very well be too late.
Plenty of things to ponder.
You should check the laws in your state. On most places, joint/full custody is one thing and who get's the kid is a different one. You can have "joint custody" meaning you have the right to take part on important decisions that affect your son's life (like for example, she can't take it out of the state), but still see your kid only every other weekend.

IMHO, the best thing you can do is to find a local lawyer and schedule an appointment. Write down all your questions and get them answered by a professional who deals with this sort of things for a living. That's the only way to really know where you stand and what the possible outcomes are.
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Old 04-22-09, 09:20 AM   #52
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I will once we make our decision or possibly sooner.

Something I dug up:

"More typically, the Courts award a shared residential responsibility ("shared custody" or "joint physical custody") which means that the other parent has more than 92 overnights and up to 182 overnights, a true shared custody or 50/50 schedule."

So, it could be what you said to an actual 50/50 schedule.
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Old 04-22-09, 09:29 AM   #53
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A 50/50 schedule would be golden. It makes me wonder how it would be set up. I guess both parents would have to live really close by to make it work. I can't see a kid jumping from one house to another every other day. But maybe every other week, every two? every month? If I had a day job and no college, I would aim for that kind of arrangement. I don't know how it would work if one of the parents is not financially stable tho... but I would give it a shot.
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Old 04-22-09, 12:28 PM   #54
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The unknown factor in all this is who will get custody of the boy. In Australia the Family Court is known to make bizarre decisions, more often than not favouring the mother, even when she is clearly unfit.
Yeah, it's like that in the U.S. too. They pretty much will always give the kid to the mother unless it's proven that she's beyond unfit, but actually dangerous and may wrecklessly endanger the child. Like being a drug dealer with guns.
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Old 04-22-09, 12:46 PM   #55
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Supposedly it has improved a bit. It also depends on the wishes of the parents as well.
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Old 04-22-09, 01:14 PM   #56
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Sorry to hear this man. Do what's best for you and your son. There's a million things to think about, but in the end, that's all that matters.
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Old 04-22-09, 10:37 PM   #57
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Forgive the long post. I am a bit depressed at the moment.

My time line:
1) Kid is born in 2003
2) Wife goes loopy.
3) Wife cheats on me with another woman. Trust me, not kinky.
4) She is diagnosed being bi polar.
5) Attempts to commit suicide
6) Marriage counseling ensues
7) 5 years of terrible finances result due to her inability to control spending urges culminating with me removing all access to joint funds to keep from going bankrupt.
8) A few months ago she admits she took out several credit cards and is defaulting on them. Says a few $1000 dollars after I offer to help and turns my offer down.
9) We go through several months of marriage counseling. Admits it is more like $10,000
10) She ignores the money issue until she is served last Wed.
11) For the third time she admits to more debt. Now it is 6 credit cards and $20,000 of debt.
12) Finally goes to a CCS and arranges for help. The end result is a monthly payment of $550
13) In the meantime she blows additional cash and drains our poor account of funds.

After #13 occurred I decided enough was enough. She has pushed me over the edge.
Somewhere between #1 and #13 I just stopped caring and our son was the only reason I did not file for a divorce. After discussing the fact that I could not take it anymore, my wife and I both agree that the relationship has fallen to pieces with virtually no hope for recovery. In the meantime we are taking a few weeks to ponder everything and then will make the final decision. Oddly enough, so far we are not mad at each other and seem to be proceeding in a reasonable manner. I would like to be one of the odd divorces that are still on speaking terms after it is all said and done. Friends would be great. Despite all that has happened I harbor no ill will. I guess time will tell if that feeling is shared.
I would rather this not turn into a mess like my parents divorce. Even better would be if things would recover but that is highly doubtful.

I am still doubting the choice. It just seems so much easier to keep taking the BS and stay together.
It seems like after being married for 13 years we should be able to get over any obstacle in our way. I guess not.

Sorry for the downer of a post.
That's some really tough stuff. But why did you phrase the title of this thread as if you were directly responsible for everything that had happened? Do you really feel this way?

Either way, good luck.
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Old 04-23-09, 04:35 AM   #58
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I was not thinking when I wrote the title. With all the allergy meds I am on you should be amazed it is that coherent.
Dang tree pollen.
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Old 04-23-09, 05:20 AM   #59
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I feel for ya, man. I wish I could come up with something insightful to say, but I've never really been that successful in relationships so I don't know what advice I could offer you that would be any good.

I hope things get better for you.
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Old 04-24-09, 11:28 AM   #60
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Now to research this no fault divorce thing that Colorado appears to have.
See if they have annulment. Saved me a boat load doing it myself. Bought the forms for $50. took me a couple days to figure it all out and solve it.

One thing to remember... any federal tax bill (perhaps state but unsure on that) will completely disregard your divorce paperwork. Regardless of what the paperwork says, the feds say you both owe it, unless one or the other files and receives innocent spouse rule. You can put it in the divorce paperwork, but then you still have to go to court to try and get money back (if say she is the one who agrees to pay the taxes). Its better just to split that equally FOR SURE.
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Old 04-24-09, 12:21 PM   #61
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Old 04-24-09, 12:23 PM   #62
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Old 04-24-09, 12:29 PM   #63
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...I would like to be one of the odd divorces that are still on speaking terms after it is all said and done...
Wild story, but you would be surprised at the number of amicable divorces there are. It seems to me that it is an upward trend and it's probably because divorce is not viewed so negatively anymore. Use LegalZoom.com if you can and it will cost a few hundred bucks. No sense in enriching lawyers.
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Old 04-24-09, 03:16 PM   #64
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Honestly, I wish she would cheat again and make things easier. It does not help that I am insanely stubborn. Thoughts like "I can make anything work. I will force this to work out." have drug this on and on.
She is in treatment with a psychiatrist and a psychologist but when you refuse to acknowledge you have an issue and snowball your doctors....
are you Irish?
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Old 04-24-09, 06:08 PM   #65
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A small portion I believe. More swiss than anything.
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Old 04-24-09, 07:42 PM   #66
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I'm sorry to hear about your situation DJ. Unfortunately I've been in your shoes. Wife was depressed and was on a high does of Zoloft. Didn't seem to work as she secretly racked us up $40K in credit card debt I had no clue about. By the time I found out the damage was done and it took years to get my credit back in line and the debt paid off.

By the time it was paid off, we pretty much hated each other and we were on our way to divorce. Here's the advise part. Even though we hated each other, we agreed that we wouldn't go through a messy divorce. The only one who comes out on top is the lawyers in that situation. We instead went to an arbitrator. We each discussed our side of the story both seperately and together with this person. His sole responsibility was to come up with a fair, legally binding, distribution. We paid a one time fee and at the end of the process I think we were both happy with the outcome. We signed the papers, did the Mass mandatory visit to a judge and we were on our separate way. If it's legal in your state, I would highly suggest this process. That way you don't have to pay out the nose for lawyer fees.
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Old 04-24-09, 08:14 PM   #67
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To be honest I have no idea where we are at the moment. She had a meeting with her shrink and we have been distant but cordial. Our last discussion was that both of us were unhappy and nothing had worked. I decided that we needed to take a few weeks to think it through and discuss things. To be honest I think everything has just pushed me way too far for any hope of recovery.
This is more of a cooling down period to hopefully make the appropriate choice.
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Old 04-24-09, 11:31 PM   #68
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sounds like you need a 25 cent divorce
i compleaty understand went through the same thing it was ugly the divorce court judge became part of my family(a lot of time in court) cheer up it will get better dont fall into game playing and be there for your son and focucus on the inportant things a chance to start new it takes time but somday it will be good ive been there before if i can be any help pm me and ride your bike lots the only thing your bikes does to you is take your money, but you have somthing to show for it when you are done
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Old 04-24-09, 11:31 PM   #69
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We are in the very early stages of even deciding what we want to do. However, after all this turmoil I would not characterize our relationship as being in love. We do care about each others well being but love is not a word I would use.
The other issue is that besides the kid we have almost nothing in common anymore.
I enjoy a healthy lifestyle while she smokes and eats like crap. I want a clean house. She never cleans.
That reminds me, I do most of the cooking and all of the cleaning.
Jeeze... I am starting to feel like chump.
Jeeze ... stop posting the story of my marriage in public.

minus the kid
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Old 04-24-09, 11:40 PM   #70
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you should try for custody it would be worth it in the long run take care of yourself it will get better
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Old 04-25-09, 12:12 AM   #71
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I was not thinking when I wrote the title. With all the allergy meds I am on you should be amazed it is that coherent.
Dang tree pollen.
Ahh thanks, I was just going to write something on this. Not one person is responsible, etc etc. I sat and soul searched for months and only ended up with a stomach ache, less a few pounds, and still an unhappy camper about mine.


Not your fault, or hers - things just happen where ... things happen. What a black hole!

Never tried the counselling with the ex-husband, he was too entrenched with Kim, yes, that was her name. See my ex was a 35-40 yr old who wanted more - was building a company, we bought a house and many items ---- and he wanted toys, and staying out late and loved the chickees who loved guys on harleys etc - whereas I was Mz Priss who was at home managing the house, taking 14-16 hrs of classes a week and freaking doing it. I ... was the boring one. The boring one who went inside when there was an impromtu party outside and I needed to homework and study. Was laughed at. My last semester grades sucked as I completed some, left some courses, etc. All because of the turmoil at home.

Till I finally decided - and it took me a while - that the word I needed to say was NO.

No more of this snit, no - I don't care if this is going to do whatever - NO!

No no no no and no.

No

I sooooo wish you well, but man - the word is NO!
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Old 04-25-09, 02:25 AM   #72
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We are in the very early stages of even deciding what we want to do. However, after all this turmoil I would not characterize our relationship as being in love. We do care about each others well being but love is not a word I would use.
The other issue is that besides the kid we have almost nothing in common anymore.
I enjoy a healthy lifestyle while she smokes and eats like crap. I want a clean house. She never cleans.
That reminds me, I do most of the cooking and all of the cleaning.
Jeeze... I am starting to feel like chump.
That comes with the territory. I've been reviewing all of the things that I did for my long-term "boyfriend" (11 + years) in the aftermath. I've trying not to dwell on it too much, because it's really nonproductive. But it still comes up from time to time.

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. Take care of yourself.
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Old 04-25-09, 02:38 AM   #73
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Supposedly it has improved a bit. It also depends on the wishes of the parents as well.
It also depends on the state you live in and the specific judge you get. You and son are probably best off with a 50/50 arrangement right now. There are a number of ways that can be arranged in terms of scheduling. If ex-wife displays inability to properly care for him on her time, you document and return to court.

The only exception to that would be if ex-wife agreed for you to have the child for more time. If you push for more than 50/50 in the midst of the divorce, it looks like you're using the kid to get at the ex. Honestly, obtaining full custody is a long, slow (many years), and painful process. It's not worth it unless you truly fear for your child's safety.

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Old 04-25-09, 09:54 AM   #74
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Yeah, it's like that in the U.S. too. They pretty much will always give the kid to the mother unless it's proven that she's beyond unfit, but actually dangerous and may wrecklessly endanger the child. Like being a drug dealer with guns.
Don't be too sure about that.

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It also depends on the state you live in and the specific judge you get. You and son are probably best off with a 50/50 arrangement right now. There are a number of ways that can be arranged in terms of scheduling. If ex-wife displays inability to properly care for him on her time, you document and return to court.

The only exception to that would be if ex-wife agreed for you to have the child for more time. If you push for more than 50/50 in the midst of the divorce, it looks like you're using the kid to get at the ex. Honestly, obtaining full custody is a long, slow (many years), and painful process. It's not worth it unless you truly fear for your child's safety.
Correct.

When my wife divorced her first husband (I'm her second), he got the kids. The judge was decidedly anti-mom. Most of his decisions gave custody to the fathers.

My wife (we weren't married at this time) was working, had an apartment (roommates w/me), but lived in another state. Something about credible threats on your life will make a person bug out... And she had been kicked out of the Navy. Reason was that she couldn't pass her physical (just given birth to her third child). She is eligible for re-enlistment, if she so desires.

The ex was unemployed, had/has a shaky work history, lives in a trailer park that his parents own. If he couldn't pay his bills, the parents had his back. He too had been kicked out of the Navy due to psych issues/anger management. He can't re-enlist.

The judge awarded shared custody on paper, but that is a joke in reality. He lives in NC, we live in OK. Because the kids were with there dad during the mandatory one year seperation prior to divorce they have in NC, he is considered the primary. The communication lines are supposed to be wide open, but he decided to restrict how much contact the kids/mom have w/each other. He cut the land line, and got a cell phone. The kids are not allowed to call their mother (unless they are in trouble), and she has to schedule the next phone visit during the current one. I can probably do a mini series based upon some of the crap that he has done to the kids/their mom.

Back OT: DJ, I'm not in your shoes. I'm not a lawyer/medical professional. I took a intro to Psychology class last semester (3 points shy of a perfect score ). From what I gathered, Bi-Polar is one hellish roller coaster ride. But depression is just as, if not more so, damaging.

Don't mean to sound like a heartless *******, but you should strongly consider ending the relationship. If it was just you and the wife, it would be a no brainer. But you have a son. As soon as that child was born, he became your top priority (should have anyway). Unless the kid can escape reality with a well stocked library of Nintendo DS/Sony PSP games, do you think that being in a household that already has one parent with mental issues and the other one on the borderline of becoming depressed is a good thing?

On the bright side, your son might be able to get a head start on a pharmacology degree...
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