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Old 05-28-04, 09:01 AM   #1
rykoala
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Cycle-jealous spouse

I'm kinda stumped, I don't know what to do. Any advice?

My wife, who has a muscle disease that makes it hard for her to excersize and causes extreme fatigue and pain (although she walks almost 2 miles/day and does Pilates excersizes daily) is jealous of my weight loss because people notice mine more than they notice hers. We've lost the same amounts. She's jealous that I now commute to work on my bike, and that I enjoy riding it wherever I can. She says things like "I don't know why I bother, all our friends only notice YOU, you steal all the attention." I AM excited about it and if someone notices that I've lost weight I'll get all hyped and talk about how much I love cycling.

How am I supposed to deal with this. We've only been married 2 1/2 years and we both started losing weight and excersizing about 4 months ago. She was at 235 and is now at 210, I was at 340 (maybe 345) and am now at 315.

I really want to encourage her! She knows I have to keep going but she sees it as discouraging and makes me feel bad for getting fit. Right now I say things like "well I'll just stop dieting and riding then" to kind of make her realize how she makes me feel but I know that isn't the right thing to say. What IS?

Need help... thanks!!!!
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Old 05-28-04, 09:17 AM   #2
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Get a tandem. One of those with a freewheel on the stokers crank, so she can rest as she needs too.
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Old 05-28-04, 09:22 AM   #3
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somethings not right. you shouldn't feel guilty for being fit and she shouldn't make you feel bad for it.
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Old 05-28-04, 09:53 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by timmhaan
somethings not right. you shouldn't feel guilty for being fit and she shouldn't make you feel bad for it.
I agree. If it continues I think you should seek counseling together.
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Old 05-28-04, 09:56 AM   #5
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Spouses are to be supportive of one another.No? You do have an advantage with your exercise regime so expectations cant be the same.. You stop your regimine, you will backtrack. That is for sure.
No one can expect you to go back...talk up her success' in front of your friends.. Bike,but share time by finding the time to walk with her?
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Old 05-28-04, 09:59 AM   #6
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Good God, the male ego never ceases to amaze me. (and I'm male btw)

She's just looking for some encouragement. Give her a hand, be supportive and sympathetic without trying to come up with a solution.

Women, thanks to our culture, are much much more sensitive about their looks and weight. Just be there for her as she struggles with her self image and self goals.

Qualifications:
23 years with my wife. (one wife even)
4, almost 5 kids.
happy
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Old 05-28-04, 10:02 AM   #7
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First of all you are still newly-weds bud. This conflict is minor compared to what debates & arguments you will have in the future. Just remember never go to bed angry at one another & always say you love each other.

Second, neither one of you may be aware that men lose weight a lot easier then women, & it is a lot more noticable in men then in women. Call it a joke played on man-kind by GOD or what ever you want, but it is a proven medical fact.

timmhann is right, you should not feel guilty & she should not make you feel as such.

Sit down and talk with her, not to her and certainly not at her, but with her about this. Explain the fact that I mentioned above with men & women & weight loss. Go to the library and find books about it. Or almost any mens fitness & health magazines will have facts like this in them. And I wouldn't doubt if the women's versions of those mags. had the same information. Go to your local book store, such as Barnes & Noble they have an entire section dedicated to men's & women's health & fitness. So "arm" yourself with information on the issue.

And finally always compliment your wife on her weight loss & fitness gains she has made. Even if others do not notice, or notice you more then her. In her eyes you noticing is way more important then anyone else noticing. One comment that will really make her day is this: "Hello, I love you, I see you have lost weight." Or any variation of that quote will work too, like turning it into a question. But only use it when it is true to do so. I agree with Stacey, buy a tandem, but one with the independant or individual crank for the stoker.

Good luck.
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Old 05-28-04, 10:07 AM   #8
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Thanks for all the great replies. She does know that men lose weight easier, but I don't think she realises that it shows more on men too. I'll mention that to her when its appropriate.

I'm not the most supportive husband so I am sure that plays a role. I'll work harder at that and make sure I talk about her weight loss too when it comes up.
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Old 05-28-04, 10:12 AM   #9
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I would suggest that if she were down to 150lbs she may be much more able to deal with the health problems. That's incouragement is it not?
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Old 05-28-04, 10:24 AM   #10
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That is very true, and she knows it. She hasn't given up, even though she is in horrible pain, and very fatigued, she does her pilates every day and walks the kids to school and back (2mi /day walking).
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Old 05-28-04, 10:37 AM   #11
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I don't think you need counseling, just ears.

I'm sure your wife is just expressing her feelings, that should not make you feel guilty....but we are all human. If it does, that is your fault. Just keep encouraging her and treat her like the princess she is.
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Old 05-28-04, 11:07 AM   #12
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Not to be nosy, but I don't understand her muscle problem if she can walk 2 miles a day. Mind explaining? If not, okay.
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Old 05-28-04, 11:09 AM   #13
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She can work her muscles but it causes extreme pain and if she overdoes it, extreme weakness. For example we went to a 2 day conference last weekend, and she's been very sick all week now.
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Old 05-28-04, 11:37 AM   #14
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She probably is just a little frustrated and doesn't realize she is taking it out on you. As someone else said talk to her in a nice way. Say how you are feeling without saying she makes you feel that way. Something like "When you say, I feel ..." Not "You make me feel"..

I bet once you tell her, she will realize that it is hurting your feelings..
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Old 05-28-04, 11:44 AM   #15
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i have no idea if you'd feel comfortable doing this or not. but, when my ex-girlfriend was going though some health issues, i called some of our common friends and let them know she was going through a hard time and could use any encourgement they could muster. it really worked, and my efforts were eventually heard about (you know how women gossip) and she really apprecieated it.
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Old 05-28-04, 11:58 AM   #16
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You are all very kind to help me out here. I'm listening!

I think part of the problem is that she expresses this stuff and I take it personally. I feel like I am the one making her feel this way.

I'll put your suggestionsto use for sure. Thanks again!!!!
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Old 05-28-04, 03:00 PM   #17
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Here's a gal's point of view. You said you both have lost about the same amount, but people notice your loss more than here. Then you said you get hyped and start raving about it. Hello? How about getting hyped about your wife's weight loss or even better, lay off the crowing. I know how good it feels to lose weight and feel fit. But it doesn't help when the other person in a relationship gets all the limelight. Shine some on her. She is also taking the lack of attention personally, just as much as you are taking all the attention personally.
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Old 05-28-04, 03:40 PM   #18
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Thank you! I really mean that. This is all helping me. And, in effect, her too.
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Old 06-01-04, 08:54 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rykoala
Thank you! I really mean that. This is all helping me. And, in effect, her too.
Thank you all for your helpful advice. This weekend proved very good and I took everyones advice.
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Old 06-01-04, 08:07 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rykoala
I'm kinda stumped...

My wife...is jealous of my weight loss...

She was at 235 and is now at 210, I was at 340 (maybe 345) and am now at 315.
Ahem. Let me get this straight.

You have lost 8.7% of your body weight, and weigh in at 315. She has lost 10.6% of her body weight and weighs in at 210, over 100 lbs. less than you.

Don't fall for it. She's already way ahead of you, don't let up now! It's an old trick...

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Old 06-02-04, 11:48 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by MERTON
almost five kids? are you counting pets? or just an annoying freind?
LoL. Wife is due with number 5 in 6 days
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Old 06-02-04, 12:26 PM   #22
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Eep!, bite yer tongue!
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