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  1. #1
    Argh!someness Village Idiot's Avatar
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    Tuscan Whole Milk, 128 fl oz

    Wut?

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...F8&me=&seller=

    Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
    With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
    As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
    As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
    'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
    Only this, and nothing more.'

    Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
    I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
    Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
    Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore -
    Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore -
    Purg'ed here for evermore.

    And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
    Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
    So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
    I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door -
    Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door -
    I resolved to have some more.

    Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
    'This,' said I, 'requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.'
    To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire
    How its avocado pigment complemented my decor.
    Then I grasped its woodgrain handle - here I opened wide the door; -
    Darkness there, and nothing more.

    Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
    Doubting, dreaming dreams of Tuscans I had known before
    But the light inside was broken, and the darkness gave no token,
    And the only words there spoken were my whispered words, 'No more!'
    Coke and beer, some ketchup I set eyes on, and an apple core -
    Merely this and nothing more.

    Back toward the table turning, all my soul within me burning,
    Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
    'Surely,' said I, 'surely that is something at my window lattice;
    Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
    Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
    'Tis the wind and nothing more!'

    From the window came a stirring, then, with an incessant purring,
    Inside stepped a kitten; mannerlessly did she me ignore.
    Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
    But, with mien of lord or lady, withdrew to my dining floor -
    Pounced upon the pool of Tuscan spreading o'er my dining floor -
    Licked, and lapped, and supped some more.

    Then this tiny cat beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
    By the grand enthusiasm of the countenance she wore,
    Toward the mess she showed no pity, 'til I said, 'Well, hello, kitty!'
    Sought she me with pretty eyes that seemed to open some rapport.
    So I pleaded, 'Tell me, tell me what it is that you implore!'
    Quoth the kitten, 'Get some more.'

  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Further, errr, wut?

    "He always brought home milk on Friday.

    After a long hard week full of days he would burst through the door, his fatigue hidden behind a smile. There was an icy jug of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz in his right hand. With his left hand he would grip my waist - I was always cooking dinner - and press the cold frostiness of the jug against my arm as he kissed my cheek. I would jump, mostly to gratify him after a time, and smile lovingly at him. He was a good man, a wonderful husband who always brought the milk on Friday, Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz.

    Then there was that Friday, the terrible Friday that would ruin every Friday for the rest of my life. The door opened, but there was no bouyant greeting - no cold jug against the back of my arm. There was no Tuscan Whole Milk in his right hand, nor his left. There came no kiss. I watched as he sat down in a kitchen chair to remove his shoes. He wore no fatigue, but also no smile. I didn't speak, but turned back to the beans I had been stirring. I stirred until most of their little shrivelled skins floated to the surface of the cloudy water. Something was wrong, but it was vague wrongness that no amount of hard thought could give shape to.

    Over dinner that night I casually inserted,"What happened to the milk?"
    "Oh,"he smiled sheepishly, glancing aside,"I guess I forgot today."

    That was when I knew. He was tired of this life with me, tired of bringing home the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz. He was probably shoveling funds into a secret bank account, looking at apartments in town, casting furtive glances at cashiers and secretaries and waitresses. That's when I knew it was over. Some time later he moved in with a cashier from the Food Mart down the street. And me? Well, I've gone soy. "

  3. #3
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    Holy Cow, that is some udderly funny stuff right there. I laughed my dairy air off.
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    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  4. #4
    Argh!someness Village Idiot's Avatar
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    Here's some uranium ore being sold on Amazon.

    http://www.amazon.com/Uranium-Ore/dp...f=pd_sbs_gro_4

  5. #5
    Pwnerer Wordbiker's Avatar
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    I found it cheesy and lactating in good taste.
    Quote Originally Posted by ahsposo View Post
    Ski, bike and wish I was gay.

  6. #6
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    He was an old dairy man who milked alone on a farm in the Gulf Stream and he had gone
    eighty-four days now without taking any milk. In the first forty days a boy had been with him.
    But after forty days without milk the boy’s parents had told him that the old man was
    now definitely and finally salao, which is the worst form of unlucky, and the boy had gone
    at their orders in another dairy farm which milked three good cows the first week. It made the
    boy sad to see the old man come in each day with his bucket empty and he always went
    down to help him carry either the coiled lines or the gaff and harpoon and the sail that
    was furled around the mast. The sail was patched with flour sacks and, furled, it looked
    like the flag of permanent defeat.
    The old man was thin and gaunt with deep wrinkles in the back of his neck. The
    brown blotches of the benevolent skin cancer the sun brings from its [9] reflection on the
    tropic sea were on his cheeks. The blotches ran well down the sides of his face and his
    hands had the deep-creased scars from handling heavy cows on the cords. But none of
    these scars were fresh. They were as old as erosions in a milkless desert.
    Everything about him was old except his eyes and they were the same color as the
    sea and were cheerful and undefeated.
    “Santiago,” the boy said to him as they climbed the bank from where the skiff was
    hauled up. “I could go with you again. We’ve made some money.”
    The old man had taught the boy to milk and the boy loved him.
    “No,” the old man said. “You’re with a lucky boat. Stay with them.”
    “But remember how you went eighty-seven days without milk and then we caught Tuscan Whole Milk, 128 fl oz every day for three weeks.”
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    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  7. #7
    T-Shirt Guy ehidle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Village Idiot View Post
    Here's some uranium ore being sold on Amazon.

    http://www.amazon.com/Uranium-Ore/dp...f=pd_sbs_gro_4
    And the author of that poem is smoking it...
    Yellow + Blue Jerseys!

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