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Old 06-02-09, 08:24 AM   #1
kevmk81 
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Marriage mentoring

I know this might open a can o' worms, or cause some conflict, but I'm curious if anybody else thinks the same as I do.

So my fiance and myself are going through mentoring sessions, 6 or 7 in total. Honestly, it's been very interesting, and an eye opener to both how I treat her, and the same way in return, the good and the bad. We both are getting to know our downfalls, and how we can make our relationship that much better.

I was speaking with a friend last night, and he mentions that he was talking to one of our buddies from college (we hardly ever hear from him!). He also is getting married soon, but went to their first mentoring session, and was told they didn't have to go to them anymore!!!!???? Then he proceeds to tell me he thought it was "funny how he doesn't have to do the mentoring sessions like we do". He also believes that abstinence (which is what the fiance and myself have tried to do for the past 2 years) is unnecessary, because supposedly once you marry, you won't see any of that too much anymore, it "all goes downhill after marriage". I won't even go into that topic. A similar thing happened to a couple that married before us (one of her friends). They were told they don't "need" mentoring.

I don't want to mention what religion I am, to not turn it into a this religion vs that religion thread, let's just say they have close beliefs. I remember talking to the person setting up our mentoring sessions, and she said since no relationship is perfect, that EVERY couple goes through EVERY session, no matter how good the first session goes, or how good the initial test goes.

Could this be part of the divorce rate problem we have now? Alicia (my fiance), has 3 married friend couples. 1 of the couples are getting divorced already, and they have a child!!! It seems that the whole meaning of marriage, and marriage vows, don't mean squat anymore. I'm only 27 years old, but have been raised up knowing that if you reach a mountian in a relationship, don't try to find an "easier route", but try to climb the mountain (fix ur issues!!).

Just sayin'
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Old 06-02-09, 09:13 AM   #2
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unless you have the same mentor- its like comparing apples & oranges.
And, I think you guys are better for completing all the classes. Surely even the most "perfect" couple has something to gain.
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Old 06-02-09, 09:14 AM   #3
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Marriage is a crapshoot. I hope yours works. It's good to go into a situation
with as much knowledge as possible beforehand. Those that are getting a
pass on their mentoring will have as many problems as the next couple.
They'll go into it thinking they have all their ducks in a row and something
will come up and they will just as likely be a statistic. (hopefully not)
Do all the right things beforehand and pray it works. The person you marry
will change and so will you. Be flexible.
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Old 06-02-09, 09:14 AM   #4
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Um... Not sure what you're looking for, so I'll just say abstinence is stupid, some problems are too great to overcome, and oddly enough, religious people tend to get divorced at a higher rate than non-religious people.

Take it for whatever it's worth.
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Old 06-02-09, 09:22 AM   #5
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Finding a way around, or an easier route, might be a way of dealing with the issues if it involves both of you addressing what caused the mountain, realizing you can't move a mountain and adjusting course to go around it. As long as you don't keep arriving back at the base of said mountain, you should be fine. And if you do wind up back there, going over it probably won't fix the issue, either.

(BTW, it's not my fiancee and MYSELF... it's my fiancee and I... or my fiancee and me, depending on the useage. I'm not sure when referring to yourself in a sentece as myself became OK, but god, that's annoying!! Oh, and while I'm on the grammar train here... fiance is the masculine form of the word and fiancee is the feminine form. "Just sayin'")
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Old 06-02-09, 09:34 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skiahh View Post
Finding a way around, or an easier route, might be a way of dealing with the issues if it involves both of you addressing what caused the mountain, realizing you can't move a mountain and adjusting course to go around it. As long as you don't keep arriving back at the base of said mountain, you should be fine. And if you do wind up back there, going over it probably won't fix the issue, either.

(BTW, it's not my fiancee and MYSELF... it's my fiancee and I... or my fiancee and me, depending on the useage. I'm not sure when referring to yourself in a sentece as myself became OK, but god, that's annoying!! Oh, and while I'm on the grammar train here... fiance is the masculine form of the word and fiancee is the feminine form. "Just sayin'")
Really? I wasn't aware of the fiance vs fiancee thing... thanks. And I'm not claiming any fame for my grammar skills... trust me.
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Old 06-02-09, 09:46 AM   #7
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My ex-wife and I weren't ideal, but we were mentoring a couple, unofficially... The young lady lived with us before the marriage, and we frankly suggested at several points that they not get married.

We also suggested, don't rush into marriage. They did.

However, once that was ignored we strongly suggested that they wait to have a child. They had a child almost immediately.

So, the obvious next guidance was to wait to have another... their first was still in diapers when they had their next baby.

My wife and I got divorced (after 20+ years) shortly after that (a huge surprise to many people), so I have no idea where this other couple is (or isn't) but the bottom line is, that no amount of preparation or mentoring is enough to make up for continual effort throughout the years...

Six or seven, or fifty sessions with a mentor is not going to significantly change a thing. It will give you some insight, and give you a head start, but it will only really change the first few months of your marriage. If you take what you learn and run with it, you are on the path you would have been on anyway... if not, ditto.
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Old 06-02-09, 10:37 AM   #8
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Oh man, this is a such a timely subject for me. I was divorced about two years ago and for some reason the finality of it has hit me like a ton of bricks this last month. I think these sessions that you are having are wonderful. I wish that my ex and I would have had some sort of ongoing counseling before and during our marriage. Getting a divorce after a couple of years of marriage doesn't seem like that big a deal. Mine ended after 20 years and it's painful as hell. Keep on doing what you are doing. We need to eliminate the stigma associated with marriage counseling. It's a good thing.
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Old 06-02-09, 11:03 AM   #9
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You don't have to look far to find someone that is into playing games, avoids conflict, or starts conflict over small issues in a relationship. I think marriage, relationship, or even effective communication counseling would be a good thing for many.
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Old 06-02-09, 05:21 PM   #10
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My ex and I went through the requisite Catholic marriage preparation classes. We participated, talked, cried, and really put a lot of time and effort into the program. After 9 years of marriage, we are now divorced. I don't really believe that participating in the mentoring program makes that much difference as to whether a couple will stay married or get a divorce.

The fact of the matter is that we grew too far apart and we weren't able to come back together. It happens. It would have happened regardless of whether we took the classes or not. I can tell you that we have a friendly divorce. Perhaps that is a product of the classes. Hard to say.

I wish you a long and happy marriage full of love and caring for each other. Continue to communicate with each other and understand that you will both change and grow over time. Embrace the changes as they come. Good luck!
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Old 06-02-09, 08:52 PM   #11
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Over 30 years ago, a old guy at work gave me, a newly hired punk kid, the following advice....after I described my new girl friend that had just returned to college 1000 miles away. His advice was: Never marry someone you can live with, only marry someone you cannot live without. Without question, who you marry, and your marriage is the most important decision of your life.....
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Old 06-02-09, 09:37 PM   #12
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Marriage counseling\mentoring is good. Anything is good that promotes move civility and more communication between couples.
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Old 06-03-09, 07:05 AM   #13
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I see the class as being more use in potentially making some people realize what's involved in marriage. Hopefully it dissuades some that were just plain ignorant, but beyond that - I don't see that it's much different than reading a book.
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