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Thread: Coming to Terms

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    Coming to Terms

    Well, I don't know why I picked BF to say this but hear goes.

    I am asked at times why I don't have or want children. I usually (always) lie. Environmental concerns, etc.

    Actually I suffer from depression and would not wish this on my worst enemy. It is the most mentally horrible symptom any one could ever have.
    It is hereditary and my Parents have told me about it. My family suffers from it in some way or another.

    No one knows the helpless-ness, the feelings, suicidal thoughts, etc. associated with it. Some days are better than others.
    I want no sympathy, I just wanted to express a state where the closet opens.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Indyv8a's Avatar
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    Are you seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist? I suffer from depression that runs from mild to severe, I have several major depressive episodes. Since the last one I have stayed in regular counseling and started seeing a psychiatrist to adjust my meds. (I was disthymic for about a year.) Good luck. PM if you need anything.
    Slow, but at least still moving...

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    Lanky Lass East Hill's Avatar
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    Indeed, as Indyv8a says, are you seeing at least a therapist? Depression 'runs in families', but it's unclear whether it's genetic or learned behaviour.

    As a migraineur, having depression comes with the territory. A very low level of antidepressant (10 mg daily of citalopram) keeps up my serotonin levels, and has done wonders for me.

    East Hill
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    TRY EMPATHY & HAVE LOVE IN YOUR HEART, PERHAPS I'LL SEE YOU ON THE ROAD...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Indyv8a View Post
    Are you seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist? I suffer from depression that runs from mild to severe, I have several major depressive episodes. Since the last one I have stayed in regular counseling and started seeing a psychiatrist to adjust my meds. (I was disthymic for about a year.) Good luck. PM if you need anything.
    Thank You. I have seen a therapist but when I tell him about myself, he say's WOW I can't see what you are so depressed about. Duh! He says look at the bright side of things.
    I realize I am not the only one out there with this.

    East Hill: Thank you, I am taking 20mg of lexapro and it helps a bit although puts me in confusing moods at times.

  5. #5
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    Thank you for opening up and sharing this with us. Facing your problems and dealing with them is very empowering in and of itself. Just making your first post about this was a very big step! Well done!

    You are not alone in your struggles. Make sure you seek out a therapist or counselor. Lean on friends. Do not hide this inside and try to deal with it by yourself. Not sure of your faith, but you might want to contact a local church about a program called Celebrate Recovery.
    Are you a registered member? Why not? Click here to register. It's free and only takes 27 seconds! Help out the forums, abide by our community guidelines.
    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

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    Domestic Domestique UnsafeAlpine's Avatar
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    Many people still don't understand what depression is. It's a miserable thing. Good for you for not wanting to inflict others with it.

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    2-Cyl, 1/2 HP @ 90 RPM slvoid's Avatar
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    I'm bipolar, sometimes suffer from depression. But your depression doesn't explain exactly why you don't want to have children.

    Are you specifically afraid of the risk of passing it on? Or of your behavior around your children?

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    Lanky Lass East Hill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThinLine View Post
    Thank You. I have seen a therapist but when I tell him about myself, he say's WOW I can't see what you are so depressed about. Duh! He says look at the bright side of things.
    I realize I am not the only one out there with this.

    East Hill: Thank you, I am taking 20mg of lexapro and it helps a bit although puts me in confusing moods at times.
    Seriously, you might want to look for another therapist. Therapists try to help you get through trouble spots. It's not their job to contribute to making you feel even worse about yourself .

    Also, you might want to talk to your doctor about the Lexapro. Antidepressants don't have the same effect on everyone--I hated the Cymbalta my doctor had me try first, because I felt paranoid .

    It's possible that a different medication could help..

    East Hill
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    TRY EMPATHY & HAVE LOVE IN YOUR HEART, PERHAPS I'LL SEE YOU ON THE ROAD...

  9. #9
    Pwnerer Wordbiker's Avatar
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    It's better to not have children and wish you had than to have children and wish you didn't.
    Quote Originally Posted by ahsposo View Post
    Ski, bike and wish I was gay.

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    Quote Originally Posted by slvoid View Post
    I'm bipolar, sometimes suffer from depression. But your depression doesn't explain exactly why you don't want to have children.

    Are you specifically afraid of the risk of passing it on? Or of your behavior around your children?
    The risk of passing it on.

    I am trying a new therapist, more like a physcologist. I knew if I opened up, others would follow.
    My Dr. told me more than half his patients come in for depression. So I am not alone.

    I have actually talked to people at their wits end dealing with it (depression) un beknownst to them that I'm right there with them.

    Cycling helps tremendously. I put in about 300-350 miles a month at a good clip and the endorphines act like a mind calming drug.

    People somewhat envy me. I am told I am very handsome (girls), great job, lots of bikes, healthy and in good shape, nice house, nice cars, easy and likeable.
    All of those things mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING when dealing with it.

    To everyone with it, good luck.

    By the way, I am Catholic and prayers help perhaps as a mental placebo.

  11. #11
    Mrs. DataJunkie Luddite's Avatar
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    Wordbiker: Word.

    I have free-floating Anxiety and I've been pretty doooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwn when SHTF ie: when I cut my ex-husband loose, being unemployed etc. I know how you feel.

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    Free @coasting RUOkie's Avatar
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    I think you are dealing with 2 separate issues. Not wanting to pass it on is not a reason not to have kids. You could have children and not be the biological father (if your big concern is the depression gene)--adopt, IVF etc.

    My wife and I are in our mid 40's and do not have nor want children. That is our choice, and noone elses. We have had to embellish the truth to people over the past 12 years (oh crap, tomorow is my anniversary!) telling people "it just hasn't happened yet" or "I guess it was not meant to be" while we have made a consious effort not to reproduce. Most people do not understand that some of us do not want to raise a family. We devote our love to each other and to our animals.

    Just something to think about.

  13. #13
    Mrs. DataJunkie Luddite's Avatar
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    People are seriously nosy, eh?

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    Quote Originally Posted by RUOkie View Post
    I think you are dealing with 2 separate issues. Not wanting to pass it on is not a reason not to have kids. You could have children and not be the biological father (if your big concern is the depression gene)--adopt, IVF etc.

    My wife and I are in our mid 40's and do not have nor want children. That is our choice, and noone elses. We have had to embellish the truth to people over the past 12 years (oh crap, tomorow is my anniversary!) telling people "it just hasn't happened yet" or "I guess it was not meant to be" while we have made a consious effort not to reproduce. Most people do not understand that some of us do not want to raise a family. We devote our love to each other and to our animals.

    Just something to think about.
    Good For You!
    That is also part of it. I am a tree hugger also with an admiration for all animals.

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    Mrs. DataJunkie Luddite's Avatar
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    I am also a tree-hugger and a bunny-hugger.

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    2-Cyl, 1/2 HP @ 90 RPM slvoid's Avatar
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    Make sure you're absolutely sure it's genetic and not an environmental problem.

    If you really want kids, you can always adopt. Or worst case, go for gene therapy and remove that specific sequence that causes depression.

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    Though obviously not as severe as your condition, I dealt with fits of depression for years; some were to the point of suicidal thoughts/speech.

    Therapy/counseling did no good, except to point out to me that my answer was inside myself. Medications produced unacceptable personality changes.

    My breakthrough came when I realized that it stemmed from my late mother's dedication to eradicating everything about my dad from her life...including his genetic heritage embodied in me. Acceptance required appeasement, and set the tone for forty-plus years of my life. FINALLY, I was able to realize and become comfortable with the idea that I was good enough as I was, without appeasing.

    Now, when the darkness threatens, I'm able to stave it off with less effort. It comes less and less often, too.

    Sincerely, all my best to you and a new awareness of being, without this gorilla on your back.

  18. #18
    Senior Member Indyv8a's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThinLine View Post
    The risk of passing it on.
    I am trying a new therapist, more like a physcologist. I knew if I opened up, others would follow.
    My Dr. told me more than half his patients come in for depression. So I am not alone.
    I have actually talked to people at their wits end dealing with it (depression) un beknownst to them that I'm right there with them.
    Cycling helps tremendously. I put in about 300-350 miles a month at a good clip and the endorphines act like a mind calming drug.
    People somewhat envy me. I am told I am very handsome (girls), great job, lots of bikes, healthy and in good shape, nice house, nice cars, easy and likeable.
    All of those things mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING when dealing with it.
    To everyone with it, good luck.
    By the way, I am Catholic and prayers help perhaps as a mental placebo
    .
    Any qualified therapist would know depression can be triggered by stress, but it is not dependent on it. The therapist who didn't "get" your depression is a boob and an incompetent. Good to see you are moving on.
    Slow, but at least still moving...

  19. #19
    Ogr8nwmypstmksnosnse pgoat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wordbiker View Post
    It's better to not have children and wish you had than to have children and wish you didn't.
    I hate to sound like a curmudgeon, but this is sage advice that could make the world a better place, imo.

    to the OP - Is the children thing a big issue for you, of just a means of introducing the depression topic? I ask because the pressure of to have/not have kids as you get older is big one (I know). But you are right to focus on yourself first and there is help out there, as the other responses articulate well.

    Bravo for sharing, and good luck in your efforts to deal with the depression.
    Quote Originally Posted by jsharr View Post
    People whose sig line does not include a jsharr quote annoy me.

  20. #20
    austropithicus
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThinLine View Post
    Actually I suffer from depression...
    Do you get enough exposure to the sun?

    http://www.vitamindcouncil.org/mentalIllness.shtml
    http://healthmad.com/mental-health/i...ng-depression/

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    Some background so you will know i'm not preaching without experience.

    1. My sister is Bi-Polar. She had been diagnosed with a couple of different conditions over the years, but eventually the past few docs have all settled on the current diagnosis. It started in our teens, and most commonly it shows itself from extreme depression (can't get out of bed), or worse, complete instant lack of anger control (throws stuff, breaks things, slams doors). The worst was in our teenage years when she chased me with knives, threw scissors, etc. Other than my sister herself, I was the person most affected by her condition. My parents used to think they had it bad until they saw the cut from the scissors thrown from across the room just because i turned off MTV.

    Her meds now are under control, and she does very well most days. Even volunteered and threw a shower for my fiancee this summer, and did a great job.

    2. I attempted suicide in high school. Large dose of acetiminophin, with some chasers. Nearly blew up my liver, but I got lucky, strong genes. I was on LexaPro during my separation and divorce.

    That said.... don't let your condition stop you from being a parent if you want to be one, and will do your best (even with depression) of being the best one YOU can.

    My sister got pregnant her senior year of HS. She had trouble early on being a mom, but that was more youth than her condition. Her condition seemed to worsen in her mid 20s especially after she was divorced. She had a second child with her then husband and his cheating drove her to places where they really had to work with her on her meds, and stuff.

    As I said she's very stable now, but I can say with certainty that she's a good mom, and doesnt regret her kids. She's got more issues than the typical mom, but her children don't. They've seen sides of their mom that I'm sure some people don't but the oldest is now almost 15, older than her mom was when the depression got to her, and the issues aren't there. The youngest shows no signs.

    Remember that it isn't just your genetics that get passed on, and that your partner could influence them more than yours do.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by lauren View Post
    Tech, that's wrong on MANY levels.

    Just because the kids don't have symptoms doesn't mean they skipped getting the crazy genes. They might have kids with those problems or worse if they are not VERY careful about their partner. And most people are more concerned with their own convenience and the whole BS argument of wanting to have a kid with their partner instead of using a sperm bank than if their genes will be a good combo or if they might create a one person mental freak show. You are still putting those bad genes into the pool by having kids, even if you get lucky and it skips a generation.

    Mental illness is one of the few problems I don't have, but I have enough problems in my family to know that I'd NEVER want to have kids because I have some of those genes that could make for a very nasty surprise. Pretty much the only thing my mother has ever done that I really respect is she quit having kids once she found out she was sick. Unfortunately I'm the 3rd generation to have multiple autoimmune issues, but at least she didn't create more kids knowing the hell they'd have to live through. She is the most sane of all her siblings and mom and still should be on meds for it but she refuses and the docs can't make her take the meds because she's not 100% bat**** insane like my aunt.

    My sisters first child was an accident, so she couldnt plan for that one. But the second one, she even called me and asked "Should I do this?". I was stunned. But I looked at how her oldest had turned out, and I see a bright, loving, affectionate, capable, child and I told her "absolutely".

    Not everything is passed on in all situations. Do you want a child with the person you are with? Do (general) you put the thought into what the potential outcomes could be? No one knows for sure what their child will be. You don't know that your decision not to have kids is depriving the world of the person who could save humanity from itself. Of course, you don't know that they won't be a drug addicted, child porn kingpin either, but those who choose to have children can only do their best.

    I'm not here to argue if people should have kids or not. I'm specific in this situation about whether OP should let this issue get in his way. And I say it doesnt have to be a stopping point, as long as thought and understanding are put into it.

  23. #23
    Ogr8nwmypstmksnosnse pgoat's Avatar
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    wow, Tech, glad your attempt failed, and good to know your sister is doing so much better now. It sounds like her kids have a good uncle to lean on as well, which can never hurt.
    Quote Originally Posted by jsharr View Post
    People whose sig line does not include a jsharr quote annoy me.

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by lauren View Post
    What if your sister's second kid has a kid that turns out to be bipolar and kills grandma when the meds aren't working? It just sounds like you aren't thinking this through enough, at least not with your head. You want spawn and will have them, their mental health and children be damned.
    Genetics are only part of the equation and anyone weighing this situation seriously, instead of presupposing that the human race is better off without their offspring will include the fact that nurture can indeed outdo nature, as has been proven hundreds of thousands of times.

    For those like you, who do not want children, that's just terrific. It's your choice, enjoy the life.

    But please don't espouse to me any thought process on my end that you have no idea about. I'm 35 myself, and have no kids (yet), so if you at all think I haven't put thought into the process, you're very mistaken.

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    Ogr8nwmypstmksnosnse pgoat's Avatar
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    predict thread closure in four ...three.....two.....
    Quote Originally Posted by jsharr View Post
    People whose sig line does not include a jsharr quote annoy me.

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