Couch the seminarian
Dear friends of foo,
I come to you all bearing some very bad news. Last night, a drunken dirtbag came to my house and told me that he was going away for a while. I do not know when he will return.
While we were joking about Couch and Couchology, he was very serious. He stumbled into my house lamenting my water drinking ways by quoting Saint Arnold of Metz. "Don't drink water, drink beer." I tried to explain to Couchie that we didn't have the same worries about water purity that they did in the 640s, but that didn't stop him from pouring a Dogfish IPA down my throat.
Then Couchie kicked my wife out of the bathtub and attempted to change her dirty bathwater into beer, like Saint Brigid of Kildare. Then, that dirtbag drank all the water. After he drank all of the water, he said it tasted better than Coors Light.
But I think he knew that he was unsuccessful in the conversion of dirty bathwater into beer. That is why Couchie has decided to retreat to a Couchology Monastery for his studies. I am afraid that this monastery places an emphasis on seclusion from the rest of the world.
I hope that we can all pray together that Couchie doesn't end up like Saint Lawrence. Saint Lawrence was strapped to a gridiron and slow roasted over an open flame, just like malt is roasted for beer.