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Old 10-26-09, 07:09 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by WilliamK1974 View Post
She told me that as far as physical/sexual goes, that nothing happened and nothing will happen. She said something about how she's not going there. But she admitted to talking to him quite a bit and said he was her friend. I expressed my displeasure at this and asked her to put the shoe on the other foot. Now, she did tell me that she had not talked to him since the beginning of last week. Said she's making an effort to do the right thing. I have to trust her on this. I would go insane otherwise.

She said that had I not caught her, she's not 100% that a sexual affair would have happened, but couldn't promise that it wouldn't have either.

If she wanted to go there, she's had plenty of chances. But most, if not all, things indicate to me that she's living a pretty mundane existence, working and spending alot of time with her parents and sister. Like she wanted a break from me and the responsibilities of home. I don't know for sure though.

Thankfully, we don't have any kids. Just pets. We did have a really surreal conversation about what would happen in the event of a divorce just before I made this discovery. Was disturbing. But she made it clear that she didn't want the house. All she wanted was her car and the stuff she brought in to the marriage.
I spent/wasted five years in a mistake of a marriage that I (and my ex husband) were utterly miserable in, the whole "almost roommates" thing rings a bell with me, big time. I think ya gotta ask yourself if you're miserable more often than happy, and for how long...
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Old 10-26-09, 07:16 PM   #27
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Let her leave, never take her back, if you do she'll label you a sucker (and a well deserved label it will be) and I guarantee she'll do it again, my parents always told me this,"Once a cheater, always a cheater." and I've live my married life (27 years) by it 100%
Well, maybe. But here's the thing. I was terribly surprised she didn't file for divorce as soon as she could after leaving. But as she told me that Sunday and continues to say to this day: She's not ready to make such a complex and far-reaching decision and radical change cause she's afraid she would be making it in anger. That's part of why she wanted to go to counseling. Wants to find a way to get rid of the anger. She said she wants to be able to fall in love with me again.

I don't know. It's all so odd and sad to me. I never thought I'd be the one talking about how close I am to a divorce.

When she's not around, and I'm talking to parents or brother, it's easy to imagine the idea of a life without her. And there are lots of other pretty, smart, and sweet women out there. But when I see her, I don't feel so strong.
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Old 10-26-09, 07:18 PM   #28
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I am in no position to offer any marriage consultation here, as I've never been married. I just hope that you're able to deal with this the best that you are able to. It's going to be a long, tough road for you (and possibly her). Typing it out on here's a good start, as I'm sure it provided at least some short-term relief to your ills.

The only action I would recommend taking is giving serious thought as to why she's becoming increasingly distant to you. It could indeed just be that she fell "out of love" with you and found someone else, but it may also be a sign of deeper problems. You said you lost your job last week; how did she react after that? You also said that there were lots of communication issues; if you don't mind clarifying further, what were they? Either way, you will need to do a lot of reflection and a lot of communication with her. You will also need your good friends now more than ever; talk and spend more time with them, if you haven't done so. This will do a lot of good getting things off of your mind, even if it's just for a few minutes.

I had to deal with a similar scenario with my former girlfriend earlier this year. To make a long story short, she left me for another guy during a period of two weeks where we didn't speak to each other at all. I found this out by text message. (I wrote about it here somewhere.) Looking back, it made total sense why she did that (though it doesn't justify her actions). The relationship became convoluted towards the end, mostly because we had different expectations and were at different emotional levels. I tried breaking it off with her, but it never stuck...until that message hit my phone. I didn't love her that much, but it still stings when I think about it.

Try not to lose yourself like many, many men do after a tough marriage. If this really hits the fan, you'll recover much, much better if you're able to hold on to at least your self-esteem and self-confidence; when those two things break, it can be a real long hassle to put them back together. Remember, you were born in this world alone, and you survived just fine before her.

I wish you luck. Most of us have been were you are, though in much less serious capacities.

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Good evening Foosters,

We share so much on here. Something I've noticed is that from time to time, someone would bring up that their marriage was in trouble, and they couldn't figure out what to do. I'd read their sad tale, feeling for them as best I could while thinking how fortunate I was to not be experiencing that. Maybe that's mean, but that's just the way I thought. Well, now it looks like it's happening to me, and I feel very much at a loss for how to explain it.

My wife and I have been married eight years and started dating right about this time in 1995. We met in a club at our university. It seems that she ran after me in the beginning, but that was fine. It didn't take too long to fall in love with her. I thought she was pretty, smart, and sweet. Her parents seemed nice enough and she was kind to animals. I asked her to marry me on Christmas Eve, 1999, in the parlor at the church she attended and she said yes. After some planning, we set a date for May 19, 2001.

Now, I want to fast-forward to the present. I knew things between us weren't always perfect, but I don't believe in that notion. I think you work at it and do the best you can. But what I didn't know was how bad they'd gotten. She still seemed her usual sweet self to me. It was on Sept 18 that I was dealing with the stress from the previous week and the news that an out of town relative had died. I discovered that one of our cats had wet on something on my desk. Nothing was ruined, but it angered me and I yelled at her: "What the hell am I supposed to do about this?" No swear words, and that was it. She looked at me and said I wasn't supposed to yell, and from that moment everything changed.

She went from being very sweet to very distant, like an impersonal roommate. I had apologized for my outburst, and sent her flowers at her office the following Monday. But the response I got was tepid at best. I asked my parents about it, and they said it appeared that there was some kind of third-party involvement. Not necessarily physical, but someone was telling her things she didn't need to hear. I asked her about it that Tuesday night, and she denied it.

She came home Thursday and seemed very downcast. She apologized for having been mean all week, said she was angry at me about a few things, but that was no excuse for meanness. I said it was ok, but her resolve didn't last. By the next day, Friday Sept. 25, she was back distant.

The whole notion of a third party wouldn't leave my mind. So, when she got home that evening, I checked her phone the first chance I had and that's where I found the emails. She'd been talking to someone at the gym, complaining about me and then as some time went by, arranging a get-together for the two of them. I called my parents, sent some of the messages to myself. Dad came over so he would witness that I didn't lose my temper. I confronted her, she tried to blame it on me. I suggested we go to her parents house to explain it. She packed most of her clothes and we left. I explained my side of the story to her father, and left.

She's been there since Sept. 25. She's been back a few times to get some more clothes and to pick up the bills. We talk some too, but she's not too happy. She tells me that she can't honestly say she loves me anymore, and that hurts almost as much as finding out she was getting ready to have an affair.

She asked me if I could set up marriage counseling, and I've done that. It starts tomorrow night. I really don't know what to expect.

The romantic/emotive side of me just wishes she'd come home, and the logical side wonders if I really want her back that much after what she did.

Oh, one more thing: she's lost a bunch of weight recently. She started WW back last fall and dropped 20lbs, but stalled. We joined the Y in March, and since then she's gone from 210 to around 140 or even less. I wonder what role weight loss played in this. She looks pretty good, but I also loved her when she was Athena-sized as well.

I know I need to let go, but it's hard. My granddaddy always said that just about any marital fuss could be fixed as long as a third-party wasn't involved, so I'm not as optimistic as I'd like to be. I feel very broken inside. And, this in some ways just scratches the surface, I think.

Thank you,
-Bill
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Old 10-26-09, 07:41 PM   #29
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Well, maybe. But here's the thing. I was terribly surprised she didn't file for divorce as soon as she could after leaving. But as she told me that Sunday and continues to say to this day: She's not ready to make such a complex and far-reaching decision and radical change cause she's afraid she would be making it in anger. That's part of why she wanted to go to counseling. Wants to find a way to get rid of the anger. She said she wants to be able to fall in love with me again.

I don't know. It's all so odd and sad to me. I never thought I'd be the one talking about how close I am to a divorce.

When she's not around, and I'm talking to parents or brother, it's easy to imagine the idea of a life without her. And there are lots of other pretty, smart, and sweet women out there. But when I see her, I don't feel so strong.
Yeah, but two funny things,
1- She sure 'nuff made the decision to start seeing another guy without a bit of worry if that decision was made in anger or not.
and 2-She told you this,"as far as physical/sexual goes, that nothing happened and nothing will happen." but goes on to say, "had you not caught her, she's not 100% that a sexual affair would have happened, but couldn't promise that it wouldn't have either." OMFG! What kind of backward bull**** is that!
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Old 10-26-09, 07:55 PM   #30
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I went through a similar situation app 20 yrs ago. Counseling is always a worthy pursuit; and just how seriously she approaches it is a good indicator of the prospects for resolution.
Good luck! We're all with you on this.
Yes, this. ^^

You can make great progress in your marriage through counseling if you both want to work at it.
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Old 10-26-09, 08:05 PM   #31
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+1 on the counseling. but............

i asked my ex to find us a counselor and i would go, i would try to see if we could "fix" our marriage. he tells me that he finds one, but never, not one time, makes any attempt to make us an appointment. what do i think?? i'm willing to go to counseling, i ask you to find us one, you do, but NEVER make an appt.....he didn't want to try and that's when i said "fine - we're done". right or wrong, i'm not looking back, i'm very happy wiht my life as it is right now...

dunno, Bill.......i really hate to see this happening to anyone and hope you guys can work things out...but, as ilb says...she made some very bassakwards statements - does she really want to save the marriage????
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Old 10-26-09, 08:08 PM   #32
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Yes, this. ^^

You can make great progress in your marriage through counseling if you both want to work at it.
"She tells me that she can't honestly say she loves me anymore"
I don't care how much I loved someone, the moment they say they don't love me I'm leaving! never to return! Why try to make someone love you again?
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Old 10-26-09, 08:09 PM   #33
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+1
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Old 10-26-09, 08:14 PM   #34
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+eleventy billion
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Old 10-26-09, 08:17 PM   #35
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"She tells me that she can't honestly say she loves me anymore"
I don't care how much I loved someone, the moment they say they don't love me I'm leaving! never to return! Why try to make someone love you again?
Feelings can change over the course of a marriage, from good to bad and back again. She did not say she wanted a divorce, so why kick her to the curb before trying to work things out?

To me she sounds a bit confused, not certain of how she feels or what she wants.
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Old 10-26-09, 08:18 PM   #36
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OP - Don't start drawing conclusions about her behaviour, thoughts, or feelings. You haven't started counselling yet, and now you have all this conflicting Foo advice. It's all speculation at this point, as you don't know what she is thinking. Don't sabotage your counselling before it's even started.

As for weight loss, sometimes it is the symptom of a lifestyle change, not the cause.
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Old 10-26-09, 08:21 PM   #37
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Without reading all the posts on the thread, the fact that she suggested marriage counseling is a good sign... but it works best when both parties want to save the marriage/relationship. Good luck.
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Old 10-26-09, 08:30 PM   #38
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No, she hasn't said she wanted a divorce yet, but she has said that even though she's willing to go to counseling, that sometimes she feels like it's almost too late for her. She said she's been checked out in some form for a year and maybe even a year and a half at this point. Not sure just how true that last bit is cause she didn't seem checked out until that week in September.

Just like how some of the advice on here may be confusing, remember that I haven't come out with every little detail either. I could write a book, but would anyone want to read it? Seems there's plenty to deal with just in what I said at the beginning.
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Old 10-26-09, 08:35 PM   #39
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Yeah, go ahead, go to counseling then let us know how that worked out for you. Don't get me wrong dude, I wish you all the best, but I'm trying to keep it real, like keeping it in the real world, not some fantasy bull**** world where people fall in and out of love at their convienience! and just keep in mind that when the **** hit the fan you wabn't the one that ran out looking for another lover, she did!
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Old 10-26-09, 08:43 PM   #40
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just keep in mind that when the **** hit the fan you wabn't the one that ran out looking for another lover, she did!
Trust me, I tell myself that at least once per day. I had the chance about five or six years ago, and didn't do it. Felt I was raised to know better, that my vows meant more to me than that, and that I'd have to see her face crumple into tears when I told her what had happened.
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Old 10-26-09, 08:51 PM   #41
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Dude, do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do for you! not her, and you'll be right as rain, it hurts at first, but as corny as it sounds time does truly heal all wounds. 'cept for cheating, you'll always feel a bit of hate and disgust towards her. Sorry, again, trying to keep it real.
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Old 10-26-09, 09:33 PM   #42
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She told me that as far as physical/sexual goes, that nothing happened and nothing will happen. She said something about how she's not going there. But she admitted to talking to him quite a bit and said he was her friend. I expressed my displeasure at this and asked her to put the shoe on the other foot. Now, she did tell me that she had not talked to him since the beginning of last week. Said she's making an effort to do the right thing. I have to trust her on this. I would go insane otherwise.

She said that had I not caught her, she's not 100% that a sexual affair would have happened, but couldn't promise that it wouldn't have either.
The distance you feel is because she is unsure, and it's being fueled by her conversations with her "friend". I guarantee that, even though her relationship with this guy might not have gotten physical, it has gotten emotional. Which in my mind, is even worse. It's one thing to give your body, another to give your heart and conscience.

I suggest a book - "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Amazing information and help for people in your situation.

And yes, I am an expert on the subject...having lived and learned my way through it.

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Old 10-27-09, 07:21 AM   #43
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Go to counseling, work towards a resolution (whatever that may be) and ignore everything anyone on the internet has to say about your marriage....even me.
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Old 10-27-09, 07:56 AM   #44
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excessive optimism can't hurt your situation at this point- to those who comment you can't make her fall back in love, or she fell out for a reason- that may be true. But it may not. It sounds like its worth letting yourself be vulnerable, and risking the possibility of being hurt again to find out for sure. Put your heart into the counseling, and find out. Its easy to blame her, as she was the one on the brink of cheating- but maybe you haven't realized yet what you have both done to damage the relationship to that point?
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Old 10-27-09, 07:59 AM   #45
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William:
Wow, what courage to post that in public. I am going through a very rocky point in my relationship. My wife and I have been married for 13 years and we have two sons, We were teetering on the edge of divorce for months. My wife and I are living under the same roof, but have not slept in the same room or bed since Good Friday of this year. But by the grace of God, we are still together and getting better every day.

I was blind to my own issues until my wife confronted me and told me we were living a lie. She had not had an affair, but she had been seeking counsel outside of our marriage from her life coach/personal adviser, which finally led to her confronting me about my issues. My anger was a sympton of other issues in my personal life that needed attention. Through therapy, self reflection and a faith based 12 step program, I am dealing better with my issues.

The most important thing I can tell you is that you can only change yourself. Now is the time for you to seek therapy and counsel. Realize that you can only change you, not your wife. She has to change herself.

Also realize that love is selfless and unconditional. Learn to love your wife without any expectation of receiving that love back. Examine yourself and your ways carefully. Look for things that may be issues with you personally and/or between you and your wife. Confess them to her and ask for her forgiveness. Forgive her, unconditionally for any wrongs she may have done you. There is great healing and grace in the acts of confession and forgiveness.

If you are a man of faith, there are some great faith based programs out there, like Celebrate Recovery. I do not want to push my religion on you, but if you are interested in this, and want more insight, send me a PM.

I wish you the best of luck in reconciling with your wife. I will be praying for you.

Jeff
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Old 10-27-09, 08:02 AM   #46
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^^^ excellent post. read it again and then think about it.
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Old 10-27-09, 08:19 AM   #47
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jsharr, great post- and thank YOU for having the courage to post your story. wishing you and your family well.
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Old 10-27-09, 08:28 AM   #48
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William I was going to post something very heartfelt but it seems that Jeff pretty much covered it.

Just remember that communication is very very important. HONEST open communication. Also remember that people do change within a relation and sometimes grow into other directions. As Jeff said, you can only change YOU. Hopefully she will see that you are making an effort and she too will move into this direction with you.

She said she did not physically cheat on you and had no intentions. That may mean that she does not love this other person in a SO type of way but perhaps as a friend and a shoulder for her to cry on or let out her frustrations. It could be that he helped her to see the flaws in the relationship from an outsider point of view (I think that is unfair if he doesn't really know you).

Her being unsure about whether or not she still loves you is again, her confusion. If she didn't really love you, she wouldn't be willing to continue trying.

I think there still may be hope, William. Go to the counseling. And if it doesn't repair then at least somehow you will find some kind of closure and know that in your heart you really did try. Just accept that people and situations change. Change is a constant.

Good luck, William. ((hugs))
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Old 10-27-09, 09:08 AM   #49
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William:
Wow, what courage to post that in public. I am going through a very rocky point in my relationship. My wife and I have been married for 13 years and we have two sons, We were teetering on the edge of divorce for months. My wife and I are living under the same roof, but have not slept in the same room or bed since Good Friday of this year. But by the grace of God, we are still together and getting better every day.

I was blind to my own issues until my wife confronted me and told me we were living a lie. She had not had an affair, but she had been seeking counsel outside of our marriage from her life coach/personal adviser, which finally led to her confronting me about my issues. My anger was a sympton of other issues in my personal life that needed attention. Through therapy, self reflection and a faith based 12 step program, I am dealing better with my issues.

The most important thing I can tell you is that you can only change yourself. Now is the time for you to seek therapy and counsel. Realize that you can only change you, not your wife. She has to change herself.

Also realize that love is selfless and unconditional. Learn to love your wife without any expectation of receiving that love back. Examine yourself and your ways carefully. Look for things that may be issues with you personally and/or between you and your wife. Confess them to her and ask for her forgiveness. Forgive her, unconditionally for any wrongs she may have done you. There is great healing and grace in the acts of confession and forgiveness.

If you are a man of faith, there are some great faith based programs out there, like Celebrate Recovery. I do not want to push my religion on you, but if you are interested in this, and want more insight, send me a PM.

I wish you the best of luck in reconciling with your wife. I will be praying for you.

Jeff
You said it best.
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Old 10-27-09, 09:34 AM   #50
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Wow I have a friend who went through the exact same thing - he was married to his wife for years then all of a sudden she started working out/dieting and lost a lot of weight. Next thing you know they are split up and she's dating another guy. He's the nicest guy too- he didn't deserve it and you never would've expected it to happen.

I really hope it works out in your case.
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