Cycling and bicycle discussion forums. 
   Click here to join our community Log in to access your Control Panel  


Go Back   > >

Foo Off-Topic chit chat with no general subject.

User Tag List

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 10-27-09, 09:46 AM   #51
RUOkie
Free @coasting
 
RUOkie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In a Haggard Song
Bikes: 2009 ORBEA Onix Rival. 2012 Felt Breed, 1999 Raleigh 500
Posts: 10,641
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 88 Post(s)
William--Just to share a similar experience from my family. My brother in law cheated on my sister in law. They had become distant from each other, and he (without even realizing it) was not getting satisfaction in their relationship. They went to councelling, and have rediscovered their love for each other. She has forgiven him (actually more accurately, they have forgiven each other) but neither has forgotten. If anyone ever says forgive and forget, ignore them. By not forgetting, they are reminded of how far they strayed from their beliefs.

Now, if your wife is not committed towards healing (but you make it sound like she is), then the relationship is lost. If she is as committed as you are, your marraige can not only survive, but thrive.
RUOkie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-09, 10:24 AM   #52
goldfishin
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Bikes:
Posts: 521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
if she's a cheater, dump her.
goldfishin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-09, 10:36 AM   #53
Chacal
Senior Member
 
Chacal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Bikes:
Posts: 63
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
There are a lot of thoughts and opinions here, many well worth listening to (jsharr in particular, how awesome was that?).

I'll just say this: in the end, it's down to you and your wife. It's each of your own individual needs, but also the dynamic that exists between you, which is like a third entity unto itself.

And that means the dynamic and your needs right now, today. Try to forget about the emotional investment of however many years. That's in the past. All you really have is today, and that is a new challenge each and every day. It's a challenge which often tests us, but one that offers new joys and the fullness of all that a precious life lived together has to give.

I absolutely agree that counseling is the way to go here. Even if things do not work out and you two split up, it should help provide healthy and nurturing closure. It sounds like there is much respect and care between you two, even if things are not ideal at present. Work with that and together you'll find the way...a good counselor will make a huge difference.

I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there, you'll be okay.
Chacal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-09, 11:17 AM   #54
travelmama
Senior Member
 
travelmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Long Beach,CA
Bikes: Kona Ute, Nishiki 4130, Trek 7000, K2 Mach 1.0, Novara Randonee, Schwinn Loop, K2 Zed 1.0, Schwinn Cream, Torker Boardwalk
Posts: 1,410
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hey OP- You can reply to all of the feedback you want but if you really want sane advice, you should post your absolute side of the story. All of the words have been about her and what you should do about her but what have you really done in the relationship? As we know, every story has two sides.
travelmama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-09, 11:34 AM   #55
probe1957
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Central IL
Bikes: 1987 Nishiki Altron 7000, 1991 Trek 520, 2008 Trek 7100
Posts: 350
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Some time ago, I heard that men and women look at affairs in their relationship differently. Men generally want to know, "Did you sleep with him?" Women want to know, "Do you love her?" Interesting sidebar that probably has no real value to the conversation.

The fact that she is willing to give counseling a try is encouraging. Her comment that she isn't sure she loves you any more is not terribly relevant. That's just representative of where she is at this moment and is no indication of where she will be a year from now.

That said, IMO, an overweight woman often loses weight because she wants to make herself more marketable. While you may not have had a problem with her weight, she knows, and I suspect you know, most men just don't dig fat chicks. We (men) are fundamentally shallow creatures.

Cheating, whether emotional or physical, makes no real difference. It is going to be hard to get over. Time, as others have said, is a great healer. And with time, the pain of this betrayal will lessen and may eventually even (mostly) pass. If you want your marriage to work, you must be willing to let it go and you must find a way to trust her again. Unfortunately, it isn't going to be easy and many tears will be shed.

I believe you both have to be totally committed to fixing the marriage before it will work. If you are both truly committed, counseling is the way to go. Finding the right counselor and perhaps rejecting a couple or three is not out of the question. Even if the marriage doesn't ultimately end up working out, counseling can still help get you both moving on.

For right now, I think you need some time apart. Time for each of you to ponder the question, "Is he/she worth it?" Once you have both had the time to reflect on and answer that question, what you do from there will be far more obvious than it is now.

I wish you well.
probe1957 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-09, 11:42 AM   #56
Airwick
jackrussellsonabicycle
 
Airwick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Greenville, South Carolina
Bikes:
Posts: 272
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
WilliamK1974,

Some good advice here, but also pick up this book if you get the chance.

__________________

Last edited by Airwick; 10-27-09 at 12:22 PM.
Airwick is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-09, 11:52 AM   #57
SingingSabre 
BF's Level 12 Wizard
 
SingingSabre's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Tucson, AZ
Bikes: Diamondback Sorrento turned Xtracycle commuter
Posts: 1,425
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snicklefritz View Post
+100 on going to counseling. You will learn a lot about yourself, about her and the relationship from taking this step.

One thing I would say is to leave your parents out of it, at least when dealing with your wife. If you have one of your parents there, she may become defensive and dig in her heels no matter whether you are right or wrong. It's fine to talk with your parents when she isn't there, but I wouldn't involve them in any sort of group discussion. It could be that she's acting like a tigress who has been backed into a corner. An animal in that situation with feel threatened and defensive. It could be that what you are seeing from her has a small part of embarrassment about being caught or being put on the defensive and is reacting more to this than you specifically.

Although you do have a right to be upset about your wife talking with someone and perhaps getting ready to have an affair, you need to look past that if you want this to work. Be willing to accept that something you did whether intentional or not might have affected her in a bad way. I'm sure the marriage counselor will be able to help you figure out what you need to do differently and perhaps they will do the same with your wife.
+1

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamK1974 View Post
I forgot to say that my youngest brother has been divorced for about three years. His wife had several affairs while he was out of the country on a two-week Reserves assignment. Seems he made the discovery when several things she said just didn't add up. He's taking this pretty hard cause he always looked at my wife as the sister he never had. He's also mad cause she sat and cried with all of us when he was going through so much pain, and was going to turn around and do the same thing to me.
That's f*cked up. But it's not necessarily there yet. So don't start sweating already.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CbadRider View Post
Feelings can change over the course of a marriage, from good to bad and back again. She did not say she wanted a divorce, so why kick her to the curb before trying to work things out?

To me she sounds a bit confused, not certain of how she feels or what she wants.
+1

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamK1974 View Post
No, she hasn't said she wanted a divorce yet, but she has said that even though she's willing to go to counseling, that sometimes she feels like it's almost too late for her. She said she's been checked out in some form for a year and maybe even a year and a half at this point. Not sure just how true that last bit is cause she didn't seem checked out until that week in September.

Just like how some of the advice on here may be confusing, remember that I haven't come out with every little detail either. I could write a book, but would anyone want to read it? Seems there's plenty to deal with just in what I said at the beginning.
September could just have been the straw that broke the camel's back. Sounds like you two were, obviously, not communicating very well. Counseling could help this, so you're probably on the right track to finding out whether it's salvageable or not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by travelmama View Post
Hey OP- You can reply to all of the feedback you want but if you really want sane advice, you should post your absolute side of the story. All of the words have been about her and what you should do about her but what have you really done in the relationship? As we know, every story has two sides.
Big, fat +1.
__________________
Shameless plug (my sites):
Work
Photography
Vanity
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bklyn
Obviously, the guy's like a 12th level white wizard or something. His mere presence is a danger to mortals.
SingingSabre is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-09, 12:03 PM   #58
banerjek
Portland Fred
 
banerjek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Bikes: Custom Winter, Challenge Seiran SL, Fuji Team Pro, Cattrike Road/Velokit, РOS hybrid
Posts: 11,182
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamK1974 View Post
She told me that as far as physical/sexual goes, that nothing happened and nothing will happen. She said something about how she's not going there. But she admitted to talking to him quite a bit and said he was her friend. I expressed my displeasure at this and asked her to put the shoe on the other foot. Now, she did tell me that she had not talked to him since the beginning of last week. Said she's making an effort to do the right thing. I have to trust her on this. I would go insane otherwise.
My take's a bit different on this than the others. Like the others, I think counseling is a good idea.

BUT, I think you might cut her a bit more slack for carrying on with this guy. Both of you sound confused and when people get confused, they turn to people who they think can help.

In the case at hand, it sounds like your wife is getting a little too close to this guy. All the same, my gut reaction would be to believe her. If he's a good friend, that should be OK so long as a few limits are observed and she keeps you in the loop.

My wife was pissed when she found out I'd been talking to close friends about marriage issues, but my take is that's what friends do. You can trust them to help you when you really need it. Frankly I wish my wife would talk to her friends when she needs an ear or good advice and I'm not the right person to provide it or she just needs to blow off a little steam. Talking to someone who actually cares but is not so close to the action can be a good thing.
banerjek is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-09, 12:43 PM   #59
ritepath
Senior Member
 
ritepath's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Virginia
Bikes: CRF150
Posts: 205
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
I checked her phone the first chance I had and that's where I found the emails. She'd been talking to someone at the gym, complaining about me and then as some time went by, arranging a get-together for the two of them. I called my parents, sent some of the messages to myself. Dad came over so he would witness that I didn't lose my temper. I confronted her, she tried to blame it on me.

I've been around enough to know when things that happen and baffle you in a relationship there's almost always a third party involved. Whenever you complain about an SO to a member of the opposite sex there’s going to be trouble. It’s amazing the support you’ll find when someone has a mutual interest in you (or your wife)…
I can’t name you the number of divorces and breakups I’ve seen over the past 15-20 or so years because of this.



In 2009 Alone I have three case studies:

My new neighbor; 11 years married 31yo 3 kids reconnected with an old boyfriend on FB and now she’s moved out filed for divorce. Insert the same info you posted…
In April of this year one of my wifes best friends 32yo 10 years married “reconnected” with an old boyfriend on FB. They’re still married for now. Insert the same info you posted…
An Ultrasound Tech my wife works with just married her “friend” she made at the fitness center that she left her husband for. Insert the same info you posted…
(The first two also involved weight loss stories FWIW)

I can name you dozens more with males and females on both sides of this working in a hospital I get to observe this first hand. I know from experience you can talk a married woman into lots of stuff if you find out she’s somewhat unhappy in their marriage (and at some point and time that will occur) you may have to bide your time a few months or years but you can eventually get a crack at any married female. I’m sorry I’ve have to inform you of this, and I don’t really have any marriage solutions I’m only good at messing up peoples relationships.

It sucks it really does…best of luck.
__________________
Love one another

Last edited by ritepath; 10-27-09 at 12:59 PM.
ritepath is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-09, 01:49 PM   #60
Pamestique 
Shredding Grandma!
 
Pamestique's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: So Cal
Bikes: I don't own any bikes
Posts: 4,797
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Sorry if I am intruding... I lurk here often but seldom post.

I am been almost exactly the same thing. after 10 years of marriage, my husband became distance. I learned through friends he had taken up with an old girlfriend. He initially denied the affair but later admitted to it. But before then we tried counseling. Problem is when one partner has made up their mind already it serves no purpose. She may however, finally feel secure enough with you (with a third party present) to disclose what bothers her. Be prepared.

Counseling together is good, but I suggest also counseling for yourself. You will be going through alot of doubt and uncertainty and a good counselor can help you address and tackle these issues. If you are involved with a church, the pastor staff generally includes a psychologist.

Couple things to remember: If mistakes were made, you both made them. Own up and accept your part. Hopefully your wife will as well. Make sure your house is in order; bills are paid, debt addressed, if there are children, a plan is in order. Understand this... God didn't bring the two of you together. God gave you the tools to make descerning decisions about who to love and marry. Sometimes we don't listen. Sex and love sometimes blind us to fatal flaws in our partners. Make sure your eyes are open now. If this is going to work between the two of you you need to know what those flaws are.

If there is another person involved, your wife has basically given up on the marriage even if there is no sex involved. It does you no good to display jealosy or anger. It would tend to just make her more stubborn and set her heels. This doesn't mean she won't finally come to her senses - but it has to be her decision. What you do in the meantime is act in a manner befitting a loving and just husband and show her, not tell her, what a good man you are.

This is a good time to rely on God, your family and friends; not try to hide what everyone probably knows. Friends help us get through tough times. Friends and God... Best wishes. Pam
__________________
______________________________________________________________

Private docent led mountain bike rides through Limestone Canyon. Go to letsgooutside.org and register today! Also available: hikes, equestrian rides and family events as well as trail maintenance and science study.

Last edited by Pamestique; 10-28-09 at 06:01 PM.
Pamestique is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-09, 10:13 PM   #61
Siu Blue Wind
Flowers for mom
 
Siu Blue Wind's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Bikes:
Posts: 10,950
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 60 Post(s)
Some sound advice, Pam and welcome to Foo.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Buddha
We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
Quote:
Originally Posted by making View Post
Please dont outsmart the censor. That is a very expensive censor and every time one of you guys outsmart it it makes someone at the home office feel bad. We dont wanna do that. So dont cleverly disguise bad words.
Siu Blue Wind is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-09, 10:37 PM   #62
CbadRider
Administrator
 
CbadRider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: On the bridge with Picard
Bikes: Specialized Allez, Specialized Sirrus
Posts: 5,963
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ritepath View Post

I can name you dozens more with males and females on both sides of this working in a hospital I get to observe this first hand. I know from experience you can talk a married woman into lots of stuff if you find out sheís somewhat unhappy in their marriage (and at some point and time that will occur) you may have to bide your time a few months or years but you can eventually get a crack at any married female. Iím sorry Iíve have to inform you of this, and I donít really have any marriage solutions Iím only good at messing up peoples relationships.

It sucks it really doesÖbest of luck.
Wow. All married women will cheat if you hit on them when they're unhappy? This is a very sweeping statement and very untrue.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Xerum 525 View Post
Now get on your cheap bike and give me a double century. You walking can of Crisco!!

Forum Guidelines *click here*
CbadRider is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-09, 10:51 PM   #63
MrCrassic 
Senior Member
 
MrCrassic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Bikes: 2008 Giant OCR1 (with panda bear on the back!)
Posts: 3,650
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by probe1957 View Post

That said, IMO, an overweight woman often loses weight because she wants to make herself more marketable. While you may not have had a problem with her weight, she knows, and I suspect you know, most men just don't dig fat chicks. We (men) are fundamentally shallow creatures.
There is nothing wrong with fat chicks.

Every time I say this, I get weird looks six ways to Sunday.
__________________
Ride more.

Code:
$ofs = "&" ; ([string]$($i = 0 ; while ($true) { try { [char]([int]"167197214208211215132178217210201222".substring($i,3) - 100) ; $i =
 $i+3 > catch { break >>)).replace('&','') ; $ofs=" " # Replace right angles with right curly braces
MrCrassic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-27-09, 10:59 PM   #64
MrCrassic 
Senior Member
 
MrCrassic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Bikes: 2008 Giant OCR1 (with panda bear on the back!)
Posts: 3,650
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by CbadRider View Post
Wow. All married women will cheat if you hit on them when they're unhappy? This is a very sweeping statement and very untrue.
Actually, after stories an old acquaintance told me about doing precisely that (bedding married women and proceeding to tell their husbands about their infidelity), as well as many, many other stories around the same topic, I'm willing to believe him. I really doubt the sanctimony in marriages today; with the amount of freedoms everyone has today (especially with the proliferation of social networks and such), I am really beginning to doubt whether marriage is sustainable in the long-term. Then again, this might be "that stage" for me as a 22 year old.
__________________
Ride more.

Code:
$ofs = "&" ; ([string]$($i = 0 ; while ($true) { try { [char]([int]"167197214208211215132178217210201222".substring($i,3) - 100) ; $i =
 $i+3 > catch { break >>)).replace('&','') ; $ofs=" " # Replace right angles with right curly braces
MrCrassic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-28-09, 06:06 PM   #65
Pamestique 
Shredding Grandma!
 
Pamestique's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: So Cal
Bikes: I don't own any bikes
Posts: 4,797
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Marriage is sustainable but don't go into it blindly. Next to having children it will be the single most difficult decision you make as an adult.

Too often people get wrapped up in the notion of being a couple... of the marriage itself but not the commitment. Many marriages last an eternity. I believe the secret is honesty, honesty and more honesty. Never be afraid to speak your mind; never hold back secrets. If times get tough, lay it all on the table. Before it becomes an issue.

Your decision to wed should never be based on sexual capability... although too often now adays that's all its about. It should be based on the fact you both have the same ultimate values, goals and aspirations. That said, don't marry before age 30 (OK I am speaking as a mom) or at least until you have the maturity to be able to speak your mind freely.
__________________
______________________________________________________________

Private docent led mountain bike rides through Limestone Canyon. Go to letsgooutside.org and register today! Also available: hikes, equestrian rides and family events as well as trail maintenance and science study.
Pamestique is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-09, 04:28 PM   #66
bmt074
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Somerville, MA
Bikes:
Posts: 208
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Very true Pam - I know too many people who went into marriage more to get married than to actually spend their life with someone. I think this is true in a lot of cases and is why divorce rates are so high.

Probably a very small percentage of couples that do get married should actually be married.

Personally I will never get married until I am 1000% sure it is the right thing to do. I agree 100% on not getting married before 30. I also think that you should date and live with someone for at least a few years before any talk of marriage. That will give you a concept of whether you can actually make it for the long haul.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pamestique View Post
Marriage is sustainable but don't go into it blindly. Next to having children it will be the single most difficult decision you make as an adult.

Too often people get wrapped up in the notion of being a couple... of the marriage itself but not the commitment. Many marriages last an eternity. I believe the secret is honesty, honesty and more honesty. Never be afraid to speak your mind; never hold back secrets. If times get tough, lay it all on the table. Before it becomes an issue.

Your decision to wed should never be based on sexual capability... although too often now adays that's all its about. It should be based on the fact you both have the same ultimate values, goals and aspirations. That said, don't marry before age 30 (OK I am speaking as a mom) or at least until you have the maturity to be able to speak your mind freely.
bmt074 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-09, 04:53 PM   #67
Pamestique 
Shredding Grandma!
 
Pamestique's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: So Cal
Bikes: I don't own any bikes
Posts: 4,797
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by bmt074 View Post
I also think that you should date and live with someone for at least a few years before any talk of marriage. That will give you a concept of whether you can actually make it for the long haul.
I disagree with you on this. I do agree it is essential to get to know someone before marriage. You can get to know someone in a short time if you are willing to ask the right questions, listen to the answers given and pay attention to behavior. It makes sense to wait at least a year after engagement to marry but I won't criticize others who don't. My folks met and were wed in a week. They have been together 60 years.

What I disagree with is living with someone. Sorry when you do that, you become blind to behavior. You end up "playing house" and acting the married couple and not really getting to know someone. You don't need to live with someone to see they have bad habits. Just look at where they live be it with parents, friends or alone. If their space is a mess, they are slobs. If the person lives with their folks and is helpful and caring, willing to clean up after the family and pitch in with chores, you know they are going to do that after marriage.

If you still move in with someone, it should be after there is a discussion of marriage and a commitment for the long haul. If you are male, what if the partner gets pregnant? You really want that if you aren't serious about a relationship? This is the whole argument I put forth... people are too caught up in the notion of marriage (and sex) but not the commitment. Not saying it doesn't work, just saying the odds are against you.
__________________
______________________________________________________________

Private docent led mountain bike rides through Limestone Canyon. Go to letsgooutside.org and register today! Also available: hikes, equestrian rides and family events as well as trail maintenance and science study.
Pamestique is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-09, 05:27 PM   #68
wolfpack 
Rawwrrrrrrrrr!
 
wolfpack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Clayton, NC
Bikes: 2009 Specialized Ruby Sworks SL w/SRAM Red; 2006 Fuji Team RC; 2008 Felt F1x; 1980's Lotus Excelle; Mangusta FG/SS; Rossin (yet to be built up)
Posts: 2,728
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by pamestique View Post
marriage is sustainable but don't go into it blindly. Next to having children it will be the single most difficult decision you make as an adult.

Too often people get wrapped up in the notion of being a couple... Of the marriage itself but not the commitment. Many marriages last an eternity. I believe the secret is honesty, honesty and more honesty. Never be afraid to speak your mind; never hold back secrets. If times get tough, lay it all on the table. Before it becomes an issue.

Your decision to wed should never be based on sexual capability... Although too often now adays that's all its about. It should be based on the fact you both have the same ultimate values, goals and aspirations. That said, don't marry before age 30 (ok i am speaking as a mom) or at least until you have the maturity to be able to speak your mind freely.
+1000000000000000000
__________________
wolfpackcycles
skiffrun: Enjoy the ride. Ride for the enjoyment.
wolfpack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-09, 07:42 PM   #69
CbadRider
Administrator
 
CbadRider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: On the bridge with Picard
Bikes: Specialized Allez, Specialized Sirrus
Posts: 5,963
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrCrassic View Post
Actually, after stories an old acquaintance told me about doing precisely that (bedding married women and proceeding to tell their husbands about their infidelity), as well as many, many other stories around the same topic, I'm willing to believe him. I really doubt the sanctimony in marriages today; with the amount of freedoms everyone has today (especially with the proliferation of social networks and such), I am really beginning to doubt whether marriage is sustainable in the long-term. Then again, this might be "that stage" for me as a 22 year old.
A guy brags to you and other people tell you stories, so that means all married women cheat? If you polled the married women here, I think you'd get quite a different answer.

Just because you doubt the sanctimony of marriage doesn't mean everyone else does.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Xerum 525 View Post
Now get on your cheap bike and give me a double century. You walking can of Crisco!!

Forum Guidelines *click here*
CbadRider is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-09, 07:49 PM   #70
Airwick
jackrussellsonabicycle
 
Airwick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Greenville, South Carolina
Bikes:
Posts: 272
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pamestique View Post
I disagree with you on this.
Pam, ever read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough"? Whatcha think.....
__________________
Airwick is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-09, 07:59 PM   #71
Ka_Jun
Who farted?
 
Ka_Jun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Bikes: '06 K2 Zed 3.0, '09 Novara Buzz V
Posts: 1,287
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pamestique View Post
Sorry if I am intruding... I lurk here often but seldom post.

I am been almost exactly the same thing. after 10 years of marriage, my husband became distance. I learned through friends he had taken up with an old girlfriend. He initially denied the affair but later admitted to it. But before then we tried counseling. Problem is when one partner has made up their mind already it serves no purpose. She may however, finally feel secure enough with you (with a third party present) to disclose what bothers her. Be prepared.

Counseling together is good, but I suggest also counseling for yourself. You will be going through alot of doubt and uncertainty and a good counselor can help you address and tackle these issues. If you are involved with a church, the pastor staff generally includes a psychologist.

Couple things to remember: If mistakes were made, you both made them. Own up and accept your part. Hopefully your wife will as well. Make sure your house is in order; bills are paid, debt addressed, if there are children, a plan is in order. Understand this... God didn't bring the two of you together. God gave you the tools to make descerning decisions about who to love and marry. Sometimes we don't listen. Sex and love sometimes blind us to fatal flaws in our partners. Make sure your eyes are open now. If this is going to work between the two of you you need to know what those flaws are.

If there is another person involved, your wife has basically given up on the marriage even if there is no sex involved. It does you no good to display jealosy or anger. It would tend to just make her more stubborn and set her heels. This doesn't mean she won't finally come to her senses - but it has to be her decision. What you do in the meantime is act in a manner befitting a loving and just husband and show her, not tell her, what a good man you are.

This is a good time to rely on God, your family and friends; not try to hide what everyone probably knows. Friends help us get through tough times. Friends and God... Best wishes. Pam
Yeah man.
Ka_Jun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-09, 08:41 PM   #72
bmt074
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Somerville, MA
Bikes:
Posts: 208
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
In my experience living with someone amplifies their behaviors for me, not blinds me to them. You are seeing them day in and day out. I've come across behaviors that I didn't know about while just dating so I guess it's really different from person to person. To me just because you can date someone doesn't mean you can live with them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pamestique View Post
I disagree with you on this. I do agree it is essential to get to know someone before marriage. You can get to know someone in a short time if you are willing to ask the right questions, listen to the answers given and pay attention to behavior. It makes sense to wait at least a year after engagement to marry but I won't criticize others who don't. My folks met and were wed in a week. They have been together 60 years.

What I disagree with is living with someone. Sorry when you do that, you become blind to behavior. You end up "playing house" and acting the married couple and not really getting to know someone. You don't need to live with someone to see they have bad habits. Just look at where they live be it with parents, friends or alone. If their space is a mess, they are slobs. If the person lives with their folks and is helpful and caring, willing to clean up after the family and pitch in with chores, you know they are going to do that after marriage.

If you still move in with someone, it should be after there is a discussion of marriage and a commitment for the long haul. If you are male, what if the partner gets pregnant? You really want that if you aren't serious about a relationship? This is the whole argument I put forth... people are too caught up in the notion of marriage (and sex) but not the commitment. Not saying it doesn't work, just saying the odds are against you.
bmt074 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-30-09, 09:07 AM   #73
Pamestique 
Shredding Grandma!
 
Pamestique's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: So Cal
Bikes: I don't own any bikes
Posts: 4,797
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by bmt074 View Post
In my experience living with someone amplifies their behaviors for me, not blinds me to them. You are seeing them day in and day out. I've come across behaviors that I didn't know about while just dating so I guess it's really different from person to person. To me just because you can date someone doesn't mean you can live with them.
Hey to each their own... most people aren't as observant as you I fear. But why do you have to live together to see bad behavior? If you are with someone enough to want to marry them, you should be able to see that behavior without having to play man and wife. Just my take. Been there done that... reality to me the living together thing does not work well.
__________________
______________________________________________________________

Private docent led mountain bike rides through Limestone Canyon. Go to letsgooutside.org and register today! Also available: hikes, equestrian rides and family events as well as trail maintenance and science study.
Pamestique is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-30-09, 09:33 AM   #74
RUOkie
Free @coasting
 
RUOkie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In a Haggard Song
Bikes: 2009 ORBEA Onix Rival. 2012 Felt Breed, 1999 Raleigh 500
Posts: 10,641
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 88 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pamestique View Post
Hey to each their own... most people aren't as observant as you I fear. But why do you have to live together to see bad behavior? If you are with someone enough to want to marry them, you should be able to see that behavior without having to play man and wife. Just my take. Been there done that... reality to me the living together thing does not work well.
Pam,
My wife and I lived together for 8 months before getting married. We had already committed to each other, and the "living in sin" was for convenience. We were engaged, both lived in 1br apts. and our leases were up. We shacked up so we would move 1X. That was 15 yrs ago . We were not "playing" at man and wife, we were living it without a licence!

I have a friend who lived with his girlfriend for 10 years before getting married. His parents both divorced twice each before finding the right mate. He was gunshy after his experience growing up. Every person has a different life story and for that reason, what is right for one person is not right for all.
RUOkie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-30-09, 02:33 PM   #75
aprilm
Bring May Flowers
 
aprilm's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Soon to be South Carolina!
Bikes: '10 Kuota Kebel
Posts: 961
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by probe1957 View Post
That said, IMO, an overweight woman often loses weight because she wants to make herself more marketable.
I agree with the rest of your post, but this is bogus. In most cases, women lose weight for themselves.
aprilm is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:03 AM.