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Old 10-26-09, 04:36 PM   #1
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Not sure what to make of my situation right now

Good evening Foosters,

We share so much on here. Something I've noticed is that from time to time, someone would bring up that their marriage was in trouble, and they couldn't figure out what to do. I'd read their sad tale, feeling for them as best I could while thinking how fortunate I was to not be experiencing that. Maybe that's mean, but that's just the way I thought. Well, now it looks like it's happening to me, and I feel very much at a loss for how to explain it.

My wife and I have been married eight years and started dating right about this time in 1995. We met in a club at our university. It seems that she ran after me in the beginning, but that was fine. It didn't take too long to fall in love with her. I thought she was pretty, smart, and sweet. Her parents seemed nice enough and she was kind to animals. I asked her to marry me on Christmas Eve, 1999, in the parlor at the church she attended and she said yes. After some planning, we set a date for May 19, 2001.

Now, I want to fast-forward to the present. I knew things between us weren't always perfect, but I don't believe in that notion. I think you work at it and do the best you can. But what I didn't know was how bad they'd gotten. She still seemed her usual sweet self to me. It was on Sept 18 that I was dealing with the stress from the previous week and the news that an out of town relative had died. I discovered that one of our cats had wet on something on my desk. Nothing was ruined, but it angered me and I yelled at her: "What the hell am I supposed to do about this?" No swear words, and that was it. She looked at me and said I wasn't supposed to yell, and from that moment everything changed.

She went from being very sweet to very distant, like an impersonal roommate. I had apologized for my outburst, and sent her flowers at her office the following Monday. But the response I got was tepid at best. I asked my parents about it, and they said it appeared that there was some kind of third-party involvement. Not necessarily physical, but someone was telling her things she didn't need to hear. I asked her about it that Tuesday night, and she denied it.

She came home Thursday and seemed very downcast. She apologized for having been mean all week, said she was angry at me about a few things, but that was no excuse for meanness. I said it was ok, but her resolve didn't last. By the next day, Friday Sept. 25, she was back distant.

The whole notion of a third party wouldn't leave my mind. So, when she got home that evening, I checked her phone the first chance I had and that's where I found the emails. She'd been talking to someone at the gym, complaining about me and then as some time went by, arranging a get-together for the two of them. I called my parents, sent some of the messages to myself. Dad came over so he would witness that I didn't lose my temper. I confronted her, she tried to blame it on me. I suggested we go to her parents house to explain it. She packed most of her clothes and we left. I explained my side of the story to her father, and left.

She's been there since Sept. 25. She's been back a few times to get some more clothes and to pick up the bills. We talk some too, but she's not too happy. She tells me that she can't honestly say she loves me anymore, and that hurts almost as much as finding out she was getting ready to have an affair.

She asked me if I could set up marriage counseling, and I've done that. It starts tomorrow night. I really don't know what to expect.

The romantic/emotive side of me just wishes she'd come home, and the logical side wonders if I really want her back that much after what she did.

Oh, one more thing: she's lost a bunch of weight recently. She started WW back last fall and dropped 20lbs, but stalled. We joined the Y in March, and since then she's gone from 210 to around 140 or even less. I wonder what role weight loss played in this. She looks pretty good, but I also loved her when she was Athena-sized as well.

I know I need to let go, but it's hard. My granddaddy always said that just about any marital fuss could be fixed as long as a third-party wasn't involved, so I'm not as optimistic as I'd like to be. I feel very broken inside. And, this in some ways just scratches the surface, I think.

Thank you,
-Bill
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Old 10-26-09, 04:41 PM   #2
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Bill,

I hope things work out between the two of you.
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Old 10-26-09, 04:49 PM   #3
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+100 on going to counseling. You will learn a lot about yourself, about her and the relationship from taking this step.

One thing I would say is to leave your parents out of it, at least when dealing with your wife. If you have one of your parents there, she may become defensive and dig in her heels no matter whether you are right or wrong. It's fine to talk with your parents when she isn't there, but I wouldn't involve them in any sort of group discussion. It could be that she's acting like a tigress who has been backed into a corner. An animal in that situation with feel threatened and defensive. It could be that what you are seeing from her has a small part of embarrassment about being caught or being put on the defensive and is reacting more to this than you specifically.

Although you do have a right to be upset about your wife talking with someone and perhaps getting ready to have an affair, you need to look past that if you want this to work. Be willing to accept that something you did whether intentional or not might have affected her in a bad way. I'm sure the marriage counselor will be able to help you figure out what you need to do differently and perhaps they will do the same with your wife.

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Old 10-26-09, 04:51 PM   #4
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Wow...rough story.

I hate to answer with less than positive news....but it sounds a little bit like the story of my brother and his (now ex) wife. Losing a lot of weight changed her mentally - a LOT. She was out going to clubs and stuff with "the girls" all the time and leaving my brother to stay home and take care of her grandfather (who needed full-time care, which was HER job that she got paid for).

Let's say....it was clear she was a different woman and it didn't last long after that.
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Old 10-26-09, 04:52 PM   #5
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i'm so sorry to hear of this. good luck with the counseling - i hope you 2 can work things out.
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Old 10-26-09, 05:00 PM   #6
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+100 on going to counseling. You will learn a lot about yourself, about her and the relationship from taking this step.

One thing i would say is to leave your parents out of it, at least when dealing with your wife. If you have one of your parents there, she may become defensive and dig in her heels no matter whether you are right or wrong. It's fine to talk with your parents when she isn't there, but i wouldn't involve them in any sort of group discussion. It could be that she's acting like a tigress who has been backed into a corner. An animal in that situation with feel threatened and defensive. It could be that what you are seeing from her has a small part of embarrassment about being caught or being put on the defensive and is reacting more to this than you specifically.

Although you do have a right to be upset about your wife talking with someone and perhaps getting ready to have an affair, you need to look past that if you want this to work. Be willing to accept that something you did whether intentional or not might have affected her in a bad way. I'm sure the marriage counselor will be able to help you figure out what you need to do differently and perhaps they will do the same with your wife.
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Old 10-26-09, 05:01 PM   #7
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As far as my parents go, I wasn't going to take them to counseling or anything like that. I only involved Daddy that night cause he has a calming influence on me and I didn't want to lose my cool. She has complained that she thinks my parents have too much of a role in my life, but I see our families as being very different in how they interact.

I want very much to trust her again, but know that can be a marriage killer by itself. Let alone when both of you have some resentment issues on top of it. I feel like you both have to want trust to work. It can't be one-way.

I think we both got into a destructive communication pattern early in the marriage. We'd hold stuff back cause it might be hurtful. Sometimes, you've got to be upfront and honest.

There are other problems of course. Some very personal.

But I hear alot of stories about weight loss doing odd things like this. A "Dear Abby" last week mentioned something like that.

I guess the hurtful thing is that I've got 14 years emotionally invested in us. I've stood beside her in times of triumph and in times of grief. I really thought I had a true life partner, and loved the notion of growing old with her. I still may, but am afraid this issue could be like a wound that never quite heals.
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Old 10-26-09, 05:01 PM   #8
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Wow...rough story.

I hate to answer with less than positive news....but it sounds a little bit like the story of my brother and his (now ex) wife. Losing a lot of weight changed her mentally - a LOT. She was out going to clubs and stuff with "the girls" all the time and leaving my brother to stay home and take care of her grandfather (who needed full-time care, which was HER job that she got paid for).

Let's say....it was clear she was a different woman and it didn't last long after that.
I watched my sister do this when she lost a lot of weight. It turned out to be a short lived phase.
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Old 10-26-09, 05:07 PM   #9
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Another +100000 on the counseling, but know that BOTH of you have to be 100% committed to making this work, otherwise the counseling will do absolutely nothing to keep you guys together.

Good luck with this, and I hope that however it ends, it turns out for the best
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Old 10-26-09, 05:07 PM   #10
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Bill, I've been there.

Your story sounds like a parallel to my own first marriage; 13 years, and she let another man come between us, and gave me a list of excuses, things I supposedly wasn't doing for her anymore -- most NEVER happened!

I begged and pleaded, degrading myself, accepting blame for things i didn't have any fault for, anything to save the marriage.

We divorced three months later.

Five years after that event, I saw it as the best thing that could have happened; there was no way I could have trusted her again, first of all, and had she not chosen as she did, my daughter would not have been born (2nd wife was her mom).

Yes, it hurts, unlike anything else; it's as bad as losing your favorite parent, only you can't help thinking you could have done something to stop it.

Maybe you can save your marriage; every one is different. But I have to be honest -- if she's looking outside the marriage for solace, it's because she's pretty much given up. Sometimes, all you can do isn't enough -- sometimes, all you can BOTH do isn't enough, that's what happened to me with #2.

My first SAID she tried to talk to me about our problems, but her idea of 'talking about it' was to turn up the volume when a country song that said what she wanted to say came on the radio. Her pivotal song selection there was the song, "He Thinks He'll Keep Her". To this day, that song curls my guts. But it does point out that people change as time goes on.

My point here, I guess, is that I feel your pain, but I don't have a lot of comfort to offer, other than empathy.

This I do know -- if things come back together for you, it'll still never be the same; and if they don't, you will find a depth of strength you were unaware you had. You'll HAVE to, because no other adult is worth the ruination, or the ending, of your own life. Trust me on this.

You will look back one day, regardless of how this plays out, and see failings on your part. They won't be as egregious as anything you imagine now, and you will realize that you are both human, and imperfect.

You can only accept it -- and it is truer than it tritely sounds -- sh** happens. It is life.

My best to you for your immediate future.
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Old 10-26-09, 05:07 PM   #11
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I watched my sister do this when she lost a lot of weight. It turned out to be a short lived phase.
How short? Was there a potential affair involved?

I'm not trying to pry.

The thing is, like I said, I've loved her and found her attractive the whole time. I'm proud of her cause the rest of the women in her family are all very overweight and diabetic. So, I hope she's dodged that. I also worry that she might go too far in the wrong direction. She was bulimic at one point in high school.
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Old 10-26-09, 05:10 PM   #12
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Bill, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I have no advice for you. However I do have an observation from my own experiences. A lot of couples seem to go through a 7-10 year marital "itch". I think it's a lot more common than people think. I sincerely hope things work out for you. It's always tougher when one spouse feels differently about the other spouse.
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Old 10-26-09, 05:11 PM   #13
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I don't want to turn this into a P&R, but another hurtful thing is that as a Christian, I always felt like God brought us together. So, why the split? Why the pain? A lesson, maybe? But it's no less painful nor any easier to let go.

No, I'm not suicidal or anything, but I do get very sad sometimes.

Not to further complicate things, but I found out a couple of weeks ago that my last official day on the job is Friday. I'll be recovering from sinus surgery, but still. Had a couple of interviews but haven't heard back yet.

Thanks for listening, y'all.
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Old 10-26-09, 05:11 PM   #14
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How short? Was there a potential affair involved?

I'm not trying to pry.

The thing is, like I said, I've loved her and found her attractive the whole time. I'm proud of her cause the rest of the women in her family are all very overweight and diabetic. So, I hope she's dodged that. I also worry that she might go too far in the wrong direction. She was bulimic at one point in high school.
6-7 months. I'm not sure about the affair.
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Old 10-26-09, 05:28 PM   #15
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i'm so sorry to hear of this. good luck with the counseling - i hope you 2 can work things out.
Thanks for your words of support, Wolfy. We shall see how it goes.

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Old 10-26-09, 05:36 PM   #16
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I have lost weight as well, but my progress has been slower. But I have lost about 18 lbs since she left.
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Old 10-26-09, 05:41 PM   #17
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Good luck on the counseling and DO keep us up to date. {{Hugs****
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Old 10-26-09, 05:48 PM   #18
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Her distance indicates that she is still closely involved with the 3rd person. What likely started as a emotional affair has probably evolved into a full on love affair.

My heart bleeds for you. My wife had an affair in '03 and I confronted it. She ended it immediately and we got counseling. Things went along pretty well for 3 years and then I discovered another guy - this time a friend. And the wife wasn't willing to give him up. I moved out...

With kids and a home and all that, it was really hard to get through the process. I wouldn't wish the pain I experienced on my own worst enemy. I feel for you and highly recommend you find a counselor and do as much research on the subject as you can.

I used to spend a tremendous amount of time on this forum. Now, not so much. I found friends on other forums that I had a lot in common with....places like: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp

The good news is...you will get through it....the bad news is...it's going to take some time.

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Old 10-26-09, 05:52 PM   #19
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I went through a similar situation app 20 yrs ago. Counseling is always a worthy pursuit; and just how seriously she approaches it is a good indicator of the prospects for resolution.
Good luck! We're all with you on this.
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Old 10-26-09, 06:10 PM   #20
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As far as my parents go, I wasn't going to take them to counseling or anything like that. I only involved Daddy that night cause he has a calming influence on me and I didn't want to lose my cool. She has complained that she thinks my parents have too much of a role in my life, but I see our families as being very different in how they interact.

I want very much to trust her again, but know that can be a marriage killer by itself. Let alone when both of you have some resentment issues on top of it. I feel like you both have to want trust to work. It can't be one-way.

I think we both got into a destructive communication pattern early in the marriage. We'd hold stuff back cause it might be hurtful. Sometimes, you've got to be upfront and honest.

There are other problems of course. Some very personal.

But I hear alot of stories about weight loss doing odd things like this. A "Dear Abby" last week mentioned something like that.

I guess the hurtful thing is that I've got 14 years emotionally invested in us. I've stood beside her in times of triumph and in times of grief. I really thought I had a true life partner, and loved the notion of growing old with her. I still may, but am afraid this issue could be like a wound that never quite heals.
What I meant was that you shouldn't bring either of your parents over to the house even if you think they will be a calming effect on you. While they might be, your wife will see it as her against everyone else. She will feel as if she's on the defensive.

I know a couple who was in a situation much like yours, except the wife actually did run off and have an actual affair (yes, it got sexual). They were able to work through it and they are still together.
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Old 10-26-09, 06:17 PM   #21
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If both of you are totally miserable...move on. If not, go to counselling, work hard at it. Give it your all.
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Old 10-26-09, 06:46 PM   #22
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Let her leave, never take her back, if you do she'll label you a sucker (and a well deserved label it will be) and I guarantee she'll do it again, my parents always told me this,"Once a cheater, always a cheater." and I've live my married life (27 years) by it 100%
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Old 10-26-09, 06:53 PM   #23
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Her distance indicates that she is still closely involved with the 3rd person. What likely started as a emotional affair has probably evolved into a full on love affair.

My heart bleeds for you. My wife had an affair in '03 and I confronted it. She ended it immediately and we got counseling. Things went along pretty well for 3 years and then I discovered another guy - this time a friend. And the wife wasn't willing to give him up. I moved out...

With kids and a home and all that, it was really hard to get through the process. I wouldn't wish the pain I experienced on my own worst enemy. I feel for you and highly recommend you find a counselor and do as much research on the subject as you can.

I used to spend a tremendous amount of time on this forum. Now, not so much. I found friends on other forums that I had a lot in common with....places like: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp

The good news is...you will get through it....the bad news is...it's going to take some time.

55/Rad
She told me that as far as physical/sexual goes, that nothing happened and nothing will happen. She said something about how she's not going there. But she admitted to talking to him quite a bit and said he was her friend. I expressed my displeasure at this and asked her to put the shoe on the other foot. Now, she did tell me that she had not talked to him since the beginning of last week. Said she's making an effort to do the right thing. I have to trust her on this. I would go insane otherwise.

She said that had I not caught her, she's not 100% that a sexual affair would have happened, but couldn't promise that it wouldn't have either.

If she wanted to go there, she's had plenty of chances. But most, if not all, things indicate to me that she's living a pretty mundane existence, working and spending alot of time with her parents and sister. Like she wanted a break from me and the responsibilities of home. I don't know for sure though.

Thankfully, we don't have any kids. Just pets. We did have a really surreal conversation about what would happen in the event of a divorce just before I made this discovery. Was disturbing. But she made it clear that she didn't want the house. All she wanted was her car and the stuff she brought in to the marriage.
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Old 10-26-09, 07:06 PM   #24
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William, My take on this:

The more you try to hold on and "fix" things, the more things will fall apart. People can drift apart, with diverging paths in their lives. It sucks, yes, but that's just how things are. If this is meant to work out, then events will align to have this happen.
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Old 10-26-09, 07:07 PM   #25
WilliamK1974
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I forgot to say that my youngest brother has been divorced for about three years. His wife had several affairs while he was out of the country on a two-week Reserves assignment. Seems he made the discovery when several things she said just didn't add up. He's taking this pretty hard cause he always looked at my wife as the sister he never had. He's also mad cause she sat and cried with all of us when he was going through so much pain, and was going to turn around and do the same thing to me.
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