Good evening Foosters,
We share so much on here. Something I've noticed is that from time to time, someone would bring up that their marriage was in trouble, and they couldn't figure out what to do. I'd read their sad tale, feeling for them as best I could while thinking how fortunate I was to not be experiencing that. Maybe that's mean, but that's just the way I thought. Well, now it looks like it's happening to me, and I feel very much at a loss for how to explain it.
My wife and I have been married eight years and started dating right about this time in 1995. We met in a club at our university. It seems that she ran after me in the beginning, but that was fine. It didn't take too long to fall in love with her. I thought she was pretty, smart, and sweet. Her parents seemed nice enough and she was kind to animals. I asked her to marry me on Christmas Eve, 1999, in the parlor at the church she attended and she said yes. After some planning, we set a date for May 19, 2001.
Now, I want to fast-forward to the present. I knew things between us weren't always perfect, but I don't believe in that notion. I think you work at it and do the best you can. But what I didn't know was how bad they'd gotten. She still seemed her usual sweet self to me. It was on Sept 18 that I was dealing with the stress from the previous week and the news that an out of town relative had died. I discovered that one of our cats had wet on something on my desk. Nothing was ruined, but it angered me and I yelled at her: "What the hell am I supposed to do about this?" No swear words, and that was it. She looked at me and said I wasn't supposed to yell, and from that moment everything changed.
She went from being very sweet to very distant, like an impersonal roommate. I had apologized for my outburst, and sent her flowers at her office the following Monday. But the response I got was tepid at best. I asked my parents about it, and they said it appeared that there was some kind of third-party involvement. Not necessarily physical, but someone was telling her things she didn't need to hear. I asked her about it that Tuesday night, and she denied it.
She came home Thursday and seemed very downcast. She apologized for having been mean all week, said she was angry at me about a few things, but that was no excuse for meanness. I said it was ok, but her resolve didn't last. By the next day, Friday Sept. 25, she was back distant.
The whole notion of a third party wouldn't leave my mind. So, when she got home that evening, I checked her phone the first chance I had and that's where I found the emails. She'd been talking to someone at the gym, complaining about me and then as some time went by, arranging a get-together for the two of them. I called my parents, sent some of the messages to myself. Dad came over so he would witness that I didn't lose my temper. I confronted her, she tried to blame it on me. I suggested we go to her parents house to explain it. She packed most of her clothes and we left. I explained my side of the story to her father, and left.
She's been there since Sept. 25. She's been back a few times to get some more clothes and to pick up the bills. We talk some too, but she's not too happy. She tells me that she can't honestly say she loves me anymore, and that hurts almost as much as finding out she was getting ready to have an affair.
She asked me if I could set up marriage counseling, and I've done that. It starts tomorrow night. I really don't know what to expect.
The romantic/emotive side of me just wishes she'd come home, and the logical side wonders if I really want her back that much after what she did.
Oh, one more thing: she's lost a bunch of weight recently. She started WW back last fall and dropped 20lbs, but stalled. We joined the Y in March, and since then she's gone from 210 to around 140 or even less. I wonder what role weight loss played in this. She looks pretty good, but I also loved her when she was Athena-sized as well.
I know I need to let go, but it's hard. My granddaddy always said that just about any marital fuss could be fixed as long as a third-party wasn't involved, so I'm not as optimistic as I'd like to be. I feel very broken inside. And, this in some ways just scratches the surface, I think.