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Old 10-27-09, 04:07 PM   #51
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I've broken a heart, and now I know it was done callously. I went on my way rather oblivious.

Then a few years later had my heart broken badly and it took a long, long time to get through it. When that happened to me I thought back to he whose heart I broke and wish I could go back and change how I handled things. From time to time it still pops into my head about how callous I was and I feel so bad. Immaturity at it's best.
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Old 10-27-09, 05:09 PM   #52
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I've broken a heart, and now I know it was done callously. I went on my way rather oblivious.

Then a few years later had my heart broken badly and it took a long, long time to get through it. When that happened to me I thought back to he whose heart I broke and wish I could go back and change how I handled things. From time to time it still pops into my head about how callous I was and I feel so bad. Immaturity at it's best.
I suspect that most everyone ends up on both ends of that stick in the course of their lives.

If you are looking for a silver lining, them consider that maybe one is not really fully mature about relationships until one has been on both ends of it. I like to think that I have a more measured perception of such things because of my past.

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Old 10-27-09, 08:53 PM   #53
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I did once, but lost a bit of mine in the process, and it needed to be done. Took me 6 months to get over it, and it took her around a year, but everybody was happier in the end.
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Old 10-27-09, 11:05 PM   #54
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I suspect that most everyone ends up on both ends of that stick in the course of their lives.

If you are looking for a silver lining, them consider that maybe one is not really fully mature about relationships until one has been on both ends of it. I like to think that I have a more measured perception of such things because of my past.

j
I completely agree with this. I think this just comes with experience naturally.

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I did once, but lost a bit of mine in the process, and it needed to be done. Took me 6 months to get over it, and it took her around a year, but everybody was happier in the end.
Man, after my first girlfriend and I split, I almost forgot what it was like to really love someone. That was two (?) years ago. I'm still looking for that lightning with someone, but I'm starting to remember how good it felt like. That's a good thing.
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Old 10-27-09, 11:53 PM   #55
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Have I? Maybe once... but that was a long time ago
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Old 10-28-09, 07:41 AM   #56
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OK, I did once upon a time.

We met at a popular, distant dance club. I was 18, she was 21 and I'd fallen hard. At that age I was very naiive in the matters of love. She was a former wallflower in high school, went on to cosmetology school, worked out, lost weight and had learned to make herself look very, very good. Because she was such a nice person, her hair salon was very popular allowing her a sporty car, money and freedom. I was working as a carpenter, making good money and was also on my way to doing well for myself.

We spent nearly every weekend together. I drove right after cashing my check on Friday for nearly two hours to see her, often leaving just early enough on Monday to get home, change and go to work. At first we hit all the local attractions of both our towns, then started taking little trips together, romantic dinners, pretty much everything you'd expect young people in love to do. I was the perfect gentleman, always opened her door, bought her gifts, found exciting places to go and see...treated her how I felt an exceptional lady should be treated.

At first I'd kept her to myself, though it wasn't long that I couldn't contain myself and started telling everyone around me what I'd been doing on my weekends. When my folks finally met her, my Mom said that she saw why I was so attracted. My folks and her got along great and it wasn't long before she started staying weekends at my folks too...and then it got complicated.

You see...there was no sex. We slept in the same bed both at her and my folks place, but certain lines were never crossed. She was a good girl, and even though we were so romantically involved, the only possible next step was marriage as she'd made it clear she was "saving herself". Believe me, I thought about it a lot. I'd bought her a promise ring, telling her that it was a symbol of my faithfulness to her, especially considering we lived so far away and spent a good deal of our lives apart. I abided by that promise, though being young, I had romantic thoughts about going to college, traveling, seeing more of the world. Going to college married seemed like a real drag, and at 18 I just wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. I'd told myself many years before I'd wait til at least 25 and be solid in a career before making that jump. I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and it seemed it was all being laid out for me.

The last weekend I spent with her, we'd gone to her church and I was introduced as her fiance. Her friends and family were so proud that she'd found someone (I know...me?) and obviously adored her for good reason. I just couldn't take it. Later that evening I told her that as much as I loved her, I just couldn't go through with it, that I wasn't ready for marriage. It was then that I realized she'd taken that promise ring as if it were an engagement ring...and was utterly heartbroken. Before that point I'd never seen her angry, and to have it all focused on me left me in shock. I'd figured we could just cool off for a while, let me sort out my life and where I wanted to go, then continue dating as we had been.

She gave me back the promise ring (threw it at me, actually), I went home...and never heard from her again. Believe me, I tried calling, but she'd never answer. In the years since I've occasionally thought about how different my life might be to have taken that step, marrying a beautiful and kind woman that loved me completely, a good person that was really good for me...if I'd only been ready. Obviously I still think of her from time to time.
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Old 10-28-09, 07:51 AM   #57
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I've been on both ends and honestly it's quite liberating to be on the receiving end. Reasons for me is that I've discovered a new person in myself, I've reinvented myself to the point that happiness becomes a very personal thing.

My recent heartbreak still doesn't have the nerve to face me. She's gone as far as not even being able to say Hello to me when we're both out in public yet share mutual friends. I laugh at the fact that someone who broke my heart can't even own up to themselves to say Hey it's been a long time how are you doing. Instead I've gone over and said hey whats up, to which I get the shoulder shrug and back turned to me. Let's remember she's the one who deaded me while I was madly in love with her. We were friends for 7+ years prior to "breaking up". Now we don't talk at all - go figure!
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Old 10-28-09, 09:10 AM   #58
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OK, I did once upon a time.

We met at a popular, distant dance club. I was 18, she was 21 and I'd fallen hard. At that age I was very naiive in the matters of love. She was a former wallflower in high school, went on to cosmetology school, worked out, lost weight and had learned to make herself look very, very good. Because she was such a nice person, her hair salon was very popular allowing her a sporty car, money and freedom. I was working as a carpenter, making good money and was also on my way to doing well for myself.

We spent nearly every weekend together. I drove right after cashing my check on Friday for nearly two hours to see her, often leaving just early enough on Monday to get home, change and go to work. At first we hit all the local attractions of both our towns, then started taking little trips together, romantic dinners, pretty much everything you'd expect young people in love to do. I was the perfect gentleman, always opened her door, bought her gifts, found exciting places to go and see...treated her how I felt an exceptional lady should be treated.

At first I'd kept her to myself, though it wasn't long that I couldn't contain myself and started telling everyone around me what I'd been doing on my weekends. When my folks finally met her, my Mom said that she saw why I was so attracted. My folks and her got along great and it wasn't long before she started staying weekends at my folks too...and then it got complicated.

You see...there was no sex. We slept in the same bed both at her and my folks place, but certain lines were never crossed. She was a good girl, and even though we were so romantically involved, the only possible next step was marriage as she'd made it clear she was "saving herself". Believe me, I thought about it a lot. I'd bought her a promise ring, telling her that it was a symbol of my faithfulness to her, especially considering we lived so far away and spent a good deal of our lives apart. I abided by that promise, though being young, I had romantic thoughts about going to college, traveling, seeing more of the world. Going to college married seemed like a real drag, and at 18 I just wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. I'd told myself many years before I'd wait til at least 25 and be solid in a career before making that jump. I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and it seemed it was all being laid out for me.

The last weekend I spent with her, we'd gone to her church and I was introduced as her fiance. Her friends and family were so proud that she'd found someone (I know...me?) and obviously adored her for good reason. I just couldn't take it. Later that evening I told her that as much as I loved her, I just couldn't go through with it, that I wasn't ready for marriage. It was then that I realized she'd taken that promise ring as if it were an engagement ring...and was utterly heartbroken. Before that point I'd never seen her angry, and to have it all focused on me left me in shock. I'd figured we could just cool off for a while, let me sort out my life and where I wanted to go, then continue dating as we had been.

She gave me back the promise ring (threw it at me, actually), I went home...and never heard from her again. Believe me, I tried calling, but she'd never answer. In the years since I've occasionally thought about how different my life might be to have taken that step, marrying a beautiful and kind woman that loved me completely, a good person that was really good for me...if I'd only been ready. Obviously I still think of her from time to time.
Wow...that's a rough story. It must have been hard to go through.

How long ago was that now? Do you know what happened to her?
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Old 10-28-09, 09:48 AM   #59
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OK, I did once upon a time....

...if I'd only been ready. Obviously I still think of her from time to time.
I'm a terrible person...I kept waiting for Wordbiker to drop the punchline. I'm sorry. Have you ever tried contacting her? Sometimes it's not too late. Alternatively, if you're not ready, you're not ready. What would have happened if you married her? Would the resentment and feelings of being trapped destroy the relationship?
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Old 10-28-09, 09:51 AM   #60
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I'm a terrible person...I kept waiting for Wordbiker to drop the punchline. I'm sorry. Have you ever tried contacting her? Sometimes it's not too late. Alternatively, if you're not ready, you're not ready. What would have happened if you married her? Would the resentment and feelings of being trapped destroy the relationship?
I guess I'm just as bad then. I was waiting for a punchline too until I got to the end, there wasn't one and I realized it was a true story.
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Old 10-28-09, 11:03 AM   #61
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OK, I did once upon a time.
....
Obviously I still think of her from time to time.
That was a sad story. I wasn't waiting for a punchline though. I'm sure you felt/feel guilty... but it's understandable how the commitment of "forever" would be scary at that age. Especially when you're not even sure what you'll do yourself forever.
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Old 10-28-09, 11:16 AM   #62
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Thanks Wordbiker for sharing that story. A lot of it hit home for me as I'm in a similar situation right now.

I'm 25 and have been dating a girl for 5 years now. Marriage is the next big step, but I just can't shake that feeling of being "trapped". My gut tells me that this feeling means I'm not ready, but the logical part of my brain doesn't want to let this girl go. I know there are other women, and I'm feeling guilty because I'm holding her up from finding someone who is ready for a lifelong commitment that I can't provide at this point in my life.

I want to be ready for marriage, but I know I just ain't there yet. I keep thinking that at 25 I should be ready... I have a degree, solid job, etc, but I'm not done being a vagabond yet. Unfortunately, breaking someone's heart may be in my near future.

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Old 10-28-09, 11:31 AM   #63
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I've given as well as I've gotten. Broke three (and I feel wretched for every single one) and have been broken by two.
Perhaps I'm head-shy about relationships now, but every time I have to listen to a friend or coworker complain about child support, or about custody battles, I feel like a proper millionaire for not being in their shoes.
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Old 10-28-09, 11:34 AM   #64
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Thanks Wordbiker for sharing that story. A lot of it hit home for me as I'm in a similar situation right now.

I'm 25 and have been dating a girl for 5 years now. Marriage is the next big step, but I just can't shake that feeling of being "trapped". My gut tells me that this feeling means I'm not ready, but the logical part of my brain doesn't want to let this girl go. I know there are other women, and I'm feeling guilty because I'm holding her up from finding someone who is ready for a lifelong commitment that I can't provide at this point in my life.

I want to be ready for marriage, but I know I just ain't there yet. I keep thinking that at 25 I should be ready... I have a degree, solid job, etc, but I'm not done being a vagabond yet. Unfortunately, breaking someone's heart may be in my near future.
You don't have to get married if you don't want to. You get married when the idea of being without that person forever is worse than the idea of being with that person forever. Have you talked to her about how you feel?
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Old 10-28-09, 11:37 AM   #65
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OK, I did once upon a time.

We met at a popular, distant dance club. I was 18, she was 21 and I'd fallen hard. At that age I was very naiive in the matters of love. She was a former wallflower in high school, went on to cosmetology school, worked out, lost weight and had learned to make herself look very, very good. Because she was such a nice person, her hair salon was very popular allowing her a sporty car, money and freedom. I was working as a carpenter, making good money and was also on my way to doing well for myself.

We spent nearly every weekend together. I drove right after cashing my check on Friday for nearly two hours to see her, often leaving just early enough on Monday to get home, change and go to work. At first we hit all the local attractions of both our towns, then started taking little trips together, romantic dinners, pretty much everything you'd expect young people in love to do. I was the perfect gentleman, always opened her door, bought her gifts, found exciting places to go and see...treated her how I felt an exceptional lady should be treated.

At first I'd kept her to myself, though it wasn't long that I couldn't contain myself and started telling everyone around me what I'd been doing on my weekends. When my folks finally met her, my Mom said that she saw why I was so attracted. My folks and her got along great and it wasn't long before she started staying weekends at my folks too...and then it got complicated.

You see...there was no sex. We slept in the same bed both at her and my folks place, but certain lines were never crossed. She was a good girl, and even though we were so romantically involved, the only possible next step was marriage as she'd made it clear she was "saving herself". Believe me, I thought about it a lot. I'd bought her a promise ring, telling her that it was a symbol of my faithfulness to her, especially considering we lived so far away and spent a good deal of our lives apart. I abided by that promise, though being young, I had romantic thoughts about going to college, traveling, seeing more of the world. Going to college married seemed like a real drag, and at 18 I just wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. I'd told myself many years before I'd wait til at least 25 and be solid in a career before making that jump. I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and it seemed it was all being laid out for me.

The last weekend I spent with her, we'd gone to her church and I was introduced as her fiance. Her friends and family were so proud that she'd found someone (I know...me?) and obviously adored her for good reason. I just couldn't take it. Later that evening I told her that as much as I loved her, I just couldn't go through with it, that I wasn't ready for marriage. It was then that I realized she'd taken that promise ring as if it were an engagement ring...and was utterly heartbroken. Before that point I'd never seen her angry, and to have it all focused on me left me in shock. I'd figured we could just cool off for a while, let me sort out my life and where I wanted to go, then continue dating as we had been.

She gave me back the promise ring (threw it at me, actually), I went home...and never heard from her again. Believe me, I tried calling, but she'd never answer. In the years since I've occasionally thought about how different my life might be to have taken that step, marrying a beautiful and kind woman that loved me completely, a good person that was really good for me...if I'd only been ready. Obviously I still think of her from time to time.
Dude, that's deep.
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Old 10-28-09, 11:46 AM   #66
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OK, I did once upon a time.

We met at a popular ....... if I'd only been ready. Obviously I still think of her from time to time.
I agree that's a really sad story but it may have turned out much sadder had you taken that step.

We all have made mistakes and obviously I have but even though I still think about what I did I have to think that I made the right decision then.
But as I've said I handled it wrong. As for the decision, I can't second guess things and I believe you have to think you made the right decision too.

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Old 10-28-09, 11:50 AM   #67
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You don't have to get married if you don't want to. You get married when the idea of being without that person forever is worse than the idea of being with that person forever. Have you talked to her about how you feel?
We have talked about it, quite a bit actually. She says she's willing to wait for me to be ready, while I feel that I won't ever be ready if someone is constantly waiting. Maybe that's true? I don't know.

I guess I'm waiting for that moment when I realize I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Most people I know (friends and parents) say that it just hits you, and you know. She says I'm expecting some magic feeling that may or may not come, depending on your personality, and that marriage is more of a conscious decision.

The one thing I know is that the idea of being alone for the rest of my life does not scare me. In fact, it kind of excites me to imagine what I might do and where I might end up.
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Old 10-28-09, 11:59 AM   #68
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I suspect that most everyone ends up on both ends of that stick in the course of their lives.

If you are looking for a silver lining, them consider that maybe one is not really fully mature about relationships until one has been on both ends of it. I like to think that I have a more measured perception of such things because of my past.

j
Silver lining ... never thought of it that way but I can see your point.

I pray that my current relationship is permanent and I have full intentions of it being so but if by some chance it's not I hope that both of us display the maturity I didn't way back when.
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Old 10-28-09, 12:56 PM   #69
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We have talked about it, quite a bit actually. She says she's willing to wait for me to be ready, while I feel that I won't ever be ready if someone is constantly waiting. Maybe that's true? I don't know.

I guess I'm waiting for that moment when I realize I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Most people I know (friends and parents) say that it just hits you, and you know. She says I'm expecting some magic feeling that may or may not come, depending on your personality, and that marriage is more of a conscious decision.

The one thing I know is that the idea of being alone for the rest of my life does not scare me. In fact, it kind of excites me to imagine what I might do and where I might end up.
I don't necessarily agree with the "it hits you and you just know" thing, when it comes to marriage. When it comes to dating, yes. But there are so many economic and social factors to consider with marriage that I think a conscious decision is way wiser - it allows you to take responsibility for your choice. I'm in a long term relationship, and we plan to get married - just not at the moment. Sure, there are times when I think life would be easier by myself - but the benefits definitely outweigh any of those considerations. (Also, I know I wouldn't do any of those things by myself anyways - I don't follow through on big plans.) Any time that I feel trapped, I remind myself that this is the life I choose, and that there are always other choices open. Funny how your perspective changes when you choose to do something, rather than feel that you have to do something.

That being said, people change a lot from 20 to 25. Sounds like your girlfriend is pretty wise, and that you still have some growing to do.
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Old 10-28-09, 01:09 PM   #70
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Sounds like your girlfriend is pretty wise, and that you still have some growing to do.
This sums it up nicely.
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Old 10-28-09, 05:35 PM   #71
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Wow...that's a rough story. It must have been hard to go through.

How long ago was that now? Do you know what happened to her?
I'm 43 now...so 25 years?

I found out a while later that she'd gotten married...within two months of our breakup. It's obvious to me it was her intent to marry, and she had a lot of other male suitors after her even while we were dating (which was really annoying but fortunately didn't result in fistfights). I can understand why, her being a large and unpopular girl in school, then blossoming into a very beautiful woman by anyone's standards. I felt very, very lucky at the time as I was a shy guy. I also trusted her implicitly as she did me.

I checked again quite a few years later and found a phone number for someone with her maiden name living in her hometown. Out of respect for my then wife, I never called to find out if it was her and how she was.

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IFunny how your perspective changes when you choose to do something, rather than feel that you have to do something.
Ironically, that's exactly what happened. At 22 I was living with a girl that I'd told we were exclusive, but I wasn't interested in marrying. She told me it was her intent to marry me. Later, she "forgot" to take her pill...and I did the "right thing". The resentment from being manipulated like that was our eventual downfall. I tried like anything to make it work, even had two more kids (both "accidents"), but when it comes down to it, if someone is so self-serving to put their desires before your happiness and well-being...there's no way to be happy as a couple. Yes, I chose the path, but were I able to walk that road again...

Oh, and sorry there was no punchline. Life isn't always about laughs.
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Ski, bike and wish I was gay.
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Old 10-28-09, 05:36 PM   #72
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I suspect that most everyone ends up on both ends of that stick in the course of their lives.
Nope, not me. I dated one girl before I met my wife, at age 21. Within 6 months we were married, no kid until 2 years later too, in case you were curious.

Yes, I was a shy kid, never particularly good with the ladies, and not terribly interested in most of them anyway. I wanted someone I could talk to without having to slow down for them. I wanted someone really smart, really nice and really pretty. Sorted of narrowed the field a lot.

We are still married after 29 years.
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Old 10-28-09, 06:11 PM   #73
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yes I have, and I may have a bit at the time. But thats life. Breakups happen. It doesn't work out with everyone and some just end badly...
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Old 10-28-09, 06:17 PM   #74
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Odd... Over the weekend I received and email from an ex. She was bragging about how great her life was and stuff. Here's part of her email... I took out all of the stupid smiley faces she puts in everything. You would think she would outgrow that after a while. The ending is seriously not a joke...



I called my sister-in-law and sure enough, she works at his school. We're not talking about people that have never left the town they were born in. We're talking about people who were born in Ohio and moved to Virgina. It's weird how these things happen.
Dear Lord, she is stalking you and your family brother! You are the man from Nantucket by the way...just Say'in!

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Old 10-29-09, 02:25 AM   #75
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I remember being crushed in high school. It felt so real and serious. In retrospect, it was very superficial.
I know exactly what you mean. I had an experience that was similar. However, the ironic part is that this person STILL tries to contact me to this day (10 years later). He always tries to add me as a friend on FaceBook, send me emails, etc. He has said, "The day you marry will be the saddest day of my life."

Maybe turn about is fair play?
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