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Old 10-29-09, 04:17 AM   #76
Chris L
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<big snip>

The last weekend I spent with her, we'd gone to her church and I was introduced as her fiance. Her friends and family were so proud that she'd found someone (I know...me?) and obviously adored her for good reason. I just couldn't take it. Later that evening I told her that as much as I loved her, I just couldn't go through with it, that I wasn't ready for marriage. It was then that I realized she'd taken that promise ring as if it were an engagement ring...and was utterly heartbroken. Before that point I'd never seen her angry, and to have it all focused on me left me in shock. I'd figured we could just cool off for a while, let me sort out my life and where I wanted to go, then continue dating as we had been.

She gave me back the promise ring (threw it at me, actually), I went home...and never heard from her again. Believe me, I tried calling, but she'd never answer. In the years since I've occasionally thought about how different my life might be to have taken that step, marrying a beautiful and kind woman that loved me completely, a good person that was really good for me...if I'd only been ready. Obviously I still think of her from time to time.
I'm gonna play devil's advocate here: Fact is, if the simple act of getting married right now was going to make or break the relationship, she probably didn't feel the same way about you that you did about her. It sounds like she was more interested in the ideal of marriage than she was about the person standing on the other side of the altar. The fact that she withheld parts of the relationship to try to manipulate you into it is another red flag, and at 18 you were too young to marry anyway (just look up the divorce rates on marriages where the partners are under 25).

You dodged a bullet on that one.

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Ironically, that's exactly what happened. At 22 I was living with a girl that I'd told we were exclusive, but I wasn't interested in marrying. She told me it was her intent to marry me. Later, she "forgot" to take her pill...and I did the "right thing". The resentment from being manipulated like that was our eventual downfall. I tried like anything to make it work, even had two more kids (both "accidents"), but when it comes down to it, if someone is so self-serving to put their desires before your happiness and well-being...there's no way to be happy as a couple. Yes, I chose the path, but were I able to walk that road again...
Lesson #2: never take anyone's word on whether or not they're using birth control, always take responsibility yourself.


Now on to my answer to this thread: I think I'm about to break someone's heart, and I'm actually quite ambivalent about it. A couple of years ago I made the mistake of falling hard for a co-worker. She seemed like a "beautiful and kind" woman on the surface, but also seemed to revel in the depth of the feelings I had for her at the time, giving me the whole "hot and cold" treatment and so on. Long story short, I got tired of the games and backed off. I kept the conversation as polite as I had to, but said little else to her that didn't pertain directly to work.

Now apparently she's decided that I'm not such a bad catch after all, but I'm no longer interested (yes, we're still in the same office). I'm actually planning a move to the other side of the country when the economy recovers, but I haven't told anyone yet, and apparently she still thinks she's a chance. Her reaction might be interesting when I drop the news, but that's life. I actually do believe she's a genuinely nice person deep down, but she just has a few issues with actually committing to relationships coming from a very strict religious upbringing and divorced parents. Oh well, it might do her some good.
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Old 10-29-09, 09:55 PM   #77
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I'm gonna play devil's advocate here: Fact is, if the simple act of getting married right now was going to make or break the relationship, she probably didn't feel the same way about you that you did about her. It sounds like she was more interested in the ideal of marriage than she was about the person standing on the other side of the altar. The fact that she withheld parts of the relationship to try to manipulate you into it is another red flag, and at 18 you were too young to marry anyway (just look up the divorce rates on marriages where the partners are under 25).

You dodged a bullet on that one.
Statistics, schmatistics. I was young and in love, and plenty of early marriages work out too. The story was about the , "I'll never know" element. I don't wish to rationalize it. It's just a part of who I am now.



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Lesson #2: never take anyone's word on whether or not they're using birth control, always take responsibility yourself.
Can you go back about 20 years and convince me to not trust my girlfriend?


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Now on to my answer to this thread: I think I'm about to break someone's heart, and I'm actually quite ambivalent about it. A couple of years ago I made the mistake of falling hard for a co-worker. She seemed like a "beautiful and kind" woman on the surface, but also seemed to revel in the depth of the feelings I had for her at the time, giving me the whole "hot and cold" treatment and so on. Long story short, I got tired of the games and backed off. I kept the conversation as polite as I had to, but said little else to her that didn't pertain directly to work.

Now apparently she's decided that I'm not such a bad catch after all, but I'm no longer interested (yes, we're still in the same office). I'm actually planning a move to the other side of the country when the economy recovers, but I haven't told anyone yet, and apparently she still thinks she's a chance. Her reaction might be interesting when I drop the news, but that's life. I actually do believe she's a genuinely nice person deep down, but she just has a few issues with actually committing to relationships coming from a very strict religious upbringing and divorced parents. Oh well, it might do her some good.
It doesn't really sound like you were in love.
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Old 10-30-09, 12:24 AM   #78
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Statistics, schmatistics. I was young and in love, and plenty of early marriages work out too.
Yeah, around 20% of them. Look it up. Trust me, you don't want to be getting married at 18 anyway, not until you've had time to travel and experience a bit of life first.

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Can you go back about 20 years and convince me to not trust my girlfriend?
No, but I doubt you're the only one reading this thread. Besides, it's not a matter of "not trusting" anyone, it's a matter of being a man and taking some responsibility. In any case, the wording of your post makes it sound like you didn't trust her anyway. How do you know it was deliberate as opposed to simply forgetting to take a dose? People of either gender who are on medication often forget doses quite innocently.

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It doesn't really sound like you were in love.
It doesn't matter what it sounds like, and to tell you the truth I fell out of love pretty quickly once I realised who was lurking under the surface. When I saw the red flags I got out, and with each day of freedom, I'm glad I made the decision.
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Old 10-30-09, 06:22 AM   #79
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Chris L, you sound like a bitter person. You also sound like you're looking forward to hurting this girl, which I believe is why Wordbiker said it doesn't sound like you were in love in the first place.
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Old 10-30-09, 07:30 AM   #80
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I'm going through it right now. A 4 year long relationship. Always talked of marriage and children and spending our lives together. Earlier this year she went back to university and between that and her band she sort of lost interest in me, and told me she doesn't love me anymore. It happened on the 8th of this month.

I'm the person who bottles all the emotion up and does not express it to anyone close. Not a good idea I know, its just how I am.

In one word; heartbreak = depression

Chris

P.S. You don't know trust till someone breaks your heart. Through our relationship I trusted her wholly and truely with anything and that we would be together forever. If I ever get that feeling again how do I know if its real. I've been scarred.
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Old 10-30-09, 08:29 AM   #81
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If I ever get that feeling again how do I know if its real. I've been scarred.
The heart heals and we move on. People are much more resilient than they think they are in the face of heartache. It always feels like the pain will never go away, but it eventually does, and you learn to love and trust again.
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Old 10-30-09, 08:35 AM   #82
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The heart heals and we move on. People are much more resilient than they think they are in the face of heartache. It always feels like the pain will never go away, but it eventually does, and you learn to love and trust again.
+1

After my 13 year marriage went bust I felt that trust was not something I was capable of.
Thanks to a certain someone it is rebuilding.
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Old 10-30-09, 01:11 PM   #83
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Yes, my last boyfriend before Justin.

Things were not working out and it was somewhat of a unhealthy relationship which he didn't think it was. I knew for a fact that if I stayed in the relationship things would NOT have turned out well for me. I had to break it off for my own peace of mind. He was utterly heart broken.
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Old 10-30-09, 08:22 PM   #84
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I have had my heart broken twice. I became satisfied that I would remain single the rest of my life as it hurt that much. After 20 yrs of being alone (NOT lonely) I found someone who loves me so much that she would never break my heart. Or so I would hope. I couldn't do it a third time as now there is no family for support. It would be a long and lonely journey to Sanesville.
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Old 10-30-09, 08:38 PM   #85
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Chris L, you sound like a bitter person.
I simply pointed out some facts. I'm sorry if that makes me sound bitter, but shooting the messenger probably isn't going to change the world.

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You also sound like you're looking forward to hurting this girl, which I believe is why Wordbiker said it doesn't sound like you were in love in the first place.
I didn't say I was looking forward to it, in fact, I explicitly stated that I was actually ambivalent about it. Personally, I hope she finds someone else and makes it a non-issue, but with each week that goes by where that doesn't happen it starts to look less likely. The fact is, I did have strong feelings for her, and I did get burned pretty badly at the time. There were sleepless nights, there were times I couldn't concentrate on anything else, there were midnight bike rides on a whim to try to ease some of the frustration so I could actually get two hours sleep before getting up for work the next morning. Yeah, maybe I'm a little bitter, but I think most people would be if they had feelings for someone who just wanted to play games instead of being upfront about not being interested.

That was followed by a time when I simply decided that enough was enough, and it was time to move on. As a result, I went back to basics and focussed on building a better single life for a time. I joined a hiking group, made some new friends, went to a few concerts and sporting events, did a couple of overseas bike tours, and started filling my life with things that *I* wanted to do. Then six months ago I was almost killed by a major landslide that closed a mountain road for three months. Let me tell you, something like that will change your outlook on life forever. Since then, I've resolved that I'm going to put myself first, which just happens to include a move to another city when I have some more money saved and the economy improves. If someone else gets hurt as a result of that, there's not much I can do about it, but then, had she responded to me in a more positive and clear manner in the first place, maybe none of this would have happened.
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Old 10-30-09, 08:47 PM   #86
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Statistics, schmatistics. I was young and in love, and plenty of early marriages work out too. The story was about the , "I'll never know" element. I don't wish to rationalize it. It's just a part of who I am now.
Actually, I have to disagree here; many of them don't, and increasing divorce rates since the 1950s (?) prove this. I agree that it kind of sucks, but this is the modern world after all. I think the amount of freedom we all have in choosing our partners now is a much better alternative, since people (particularly women) are realizing (or have realized) that they don't have to tolerate abusive practices and actually have the financial freedom to leave and be successful on their own.
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Old 10-30-09, 08:50 PM   #87
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Chris L, you sound like a bitter person. You also sound like you're looking forward to hurting this girl, which I believe is why Wordbiker said it doesn't sound like you were in love in the first place.
I think he sounds bitter here, but behind his bitterness (or whatever he wants to call it), there is a lot of solid rationale behind the statements. After dating for a long time, I think you realize that falling "in love" (not lust) is not only hard, but can take a lot of time and is most definitely not forced.
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Old 10-30-09, 08:55 PM   #88
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Actually, I have to disagree here; many of them don't, and increasing divorce rates since the 1950s (?) prove this. I agree that it kind of sucks, but this is the modern world after all. I think the amount of freedom we all have in choosing our partners now is a much better alternative, since people (particularly women) are realizing (or have realized) that they don't have to tolerate abusive practices and actually have the financial freedom to leave and be successful on their own.
Like most modern trends it has good and bad aspects. Yes, divorce sucks, we know that, but on the other hand, I don't believe any person has any obligation to tolerate any kind of abuse (verbal, physical, nagging, whatever) for the sake of "making it work". The reason I say most people should wait until at least 25 to get married is because at 18, 19 or 20 years old, most people don't have a clue what they want in life, and that definitely included me at that age. I know that I'm far more ambitious now than I was back then, and that I want different things. Had I married at 18, where would that have left either me or my wife?

It's far better to find your path and start to follow it first, then find someone who will go with you, or at least allow you the freedom to pursue your goals -- whatever they may be.
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Old 10-30-09, 09:02 PM   #89
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Actually, I've been told by multiple people that 30 is the sweet spot for marriage, since most people are financially set by then and can actually not only afford kids without breaking the bank, but also age with them well enough to not be old farts by the time they actually start wanting to do stuff. Plus, I'm finding that most jobs get more lax around that age; the hard work is left for the newbies like me
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Old 10-30-09, 09:31 PM   #90
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^^^
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Old 10-30-09, 10:10 PM   #91
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^^^
Truth there.

I could care less about statistics. Believe me, if you decide against a relationship due to statistics...your heart really isn't in it. If you're truly in love, it will work out against all odds...at least, that's what you'll be telling yourself.
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Old 10-31-09, 01:54 AM   #92
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Did you feel remorse? Ambivalent? Hostile or resentful? Justified?
I have, more than once. I'd say it was justified on one occasion. The other times, I was just being a b----. Just not in the mood for a relationship when someone else was.
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Old 10-31-09, 11:27 PM   #93
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I wasn't going to do this, but since the weather outside isn't really conducive to going to the beach this afternoon...

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I could care less about statistics. Believe me, if you decide against a relationship due to statistics...your heart really isn't in it.
I don't think anybody was arguing against getting into relationships at any age, by all means people should get into a relationship as soon as they meet the person they want to be with. The issue is whether you want to marry that person before you're 25, and as far as I'm concerned, the vast majority of people are simply not ready to sign a marriage contract before that age. Besides, what exactly is the big rush to get married anyway? There's nothing you can do married that you can't do unmarried (unless your partner is trying to manipulate you by withholding parts of the relationship), and with life expectancies at an all time high in most parts of the world, there's plenty of time to have a wedding when you grow up.
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Old 11-01-09, 12:36 AM   #94
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I wasn't going to do this, but since the weather outside isn't really conducive to going to the beach this afternoon...



I don't think anybody was arguing against getting into relationships at any age, by all means people should get into a relationship as soon as they meet the person they want to be with. The issue is whether you want to marry that person before you're 25, and as far as I'm concerned, the vast majority of people are simply not ready to sign a marriage contract before that age. Besides, what exactly is the big rush to get married anyway? There's nothing you can do married that you can't do unmarried (unless your partner is trying to manipulate you by withholding parts of the relationship), and with life expectancies at an all time high in most parts of the world, there's plenty of time to have a wedding when you grow up.
I don't disagree with your logic.

It just doesn't apply to matters of love...especially those 20+ years in the past.
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Old 11-01-09, 12:50 AM   #95
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Justified. The woman I was going out with was also seeing other guys. I didn't know but when I found out (with my own eyes) I figured she'd be ok with me seeing other girls. She wasn't. But dm she was hot!
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