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Old 11-08-09, 11:56 AM   #1
ummbnb
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Hey all you Foo'sters with Great Marriages

I need a reality check to get myself past a case of the grass is greeners - a resurging of my independent nature and seemingly innate personal preference for singlehood over marriage.

In recognizing that no relationship is perfect and we all choose our battles and how to prioritize on a daily basis. What brings you contentment in the every-day reality of your relationship? What is your balance?
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Old 11-08-09, 12:31 PM   #2
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Interesting question. I am in a very happy marriage of 23 years. There are no secrets to how it works. It is not that it either works or doesn't. It is that both partners have to work to a common goal. There is no hers or mine, only ours. We have a good life together. I don't see other pastures as greener.
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Old 11-08-09, 12:42 PM   #3
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There has to be love and compassion on both sides, or it doesn't work, imo. I find balance in the things that made me happy before I married: dance, music, personal hobbies, etc. We also find that going out and getting exercise together when things get hard make a huge difference.
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Old 11-08-09, 01:45 PM   #4
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I need a reality check to get myself past a case of the grass is greeners - a resurging of my independent nature and seemingly innate personal preference for singlehood over marriage.

In recognizing that no relationship is perfect and we all choose our battles and how to prioritize on a daily basis. What brings you contentment in the every-day reality of your relationship? What is your balance?
Turns out John was right, all you need is love, no bull****, if you really truly love you SO (and he/she you) you'll be fine, if you find yourself straying in any way shape or form and it gets worse chances are you don't want to be in a real relationship. (27 year marriage for me and still going.)
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Old 11-08-09, 02:37 PM   #5
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Don't fight over petty stuff. And almost everything is petty.
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Old 11-08-09, 03:02 PM   #6
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We have been married for more than 29 years now. The key, is keep talking, and realize no one is perfect, especially you. I am daily grateful that my wife loves me in spite of my "issues", and she feels the same way.

When both are working to make it work, loving and forgiving, you have a wonderful thing.

And if the grass seems greener else where, you might try fertilizing and watering more...
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Old 11-08-09, 04:12 PM   #7
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I'm having some marriage problems right now, but one thing I'm learning from it all is that open communication is a must. I felt like we had that, but as it turns out, we hold back alot of things from each other because whatever it is might hurt feelings. You can be sensitive and direct at the same time.

Also, just from doing a bit of research and talking to some long-time marrieds, sometimes you both have to realize that being in love isn't always about starry-eyed romantic stuff and having fun each and every day or weekend. There's alot of work involved. Sometimes the work can be very unpleasant. The couples that seem to last for years are the ones who recognize that and they stay married in part cause they've made a commitment to the other person. That said, those that can know sometimes stress relief is needed, even if all it is is taking a walk together around the neighborhood.
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Old 11-08-09, 04:25 PM   #8
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Short timer of 10 years here. We unite against the onslaught that is children, come together when feeling amorous, but pretty much ignore each other. If it weren't for the interwebz, we would have killed each other a long time ago.
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Old 11-08-09, 04:37 PM   #9
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And if the grass seems greener else where, you might try fertilizing and watering more...
Roger that . Sometimes hard to do, but it does work.
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Old 11-08-09, 05:51 PM   #10
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We've been married since '92. Sherry and I are low-keyed people. We give each other lots of space. It's nothing for me to take off for the day and go riding or rooting in the woods while she stays home and watches tv. We don't spend a lot of money. We eat supper together EVERYDAY. She's a hardcore lib and I'm a right-wing-nut. We discuss politics but we don't argue. I would like to have some flashy bimbo to f*** but the old girl will do. I am deeply grateful to have her in my life.
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Old 11-08-09, 05:54 PM   #11
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I give her money.
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Old 11-08-09, 06:12 PM   #12
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All happy marriages described above probably also involve the guy putting the seat and lid down
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Old 11-08-09, 06:18 PM   #13
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All happy marriages described above probably also involve the guy putting the seat and lid down
*raises hand*

One bathroom, 6 people. The oldest (me) and the youngest (my son) are the only males. The lid stays down to save my sanity.
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Old 11-08-09, 07:00 PM   #14
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All happy marriages described above probably also involve the guy putting the seat and lid down
*doesn't raise hand* It's just not a big deal here. If the seat is up and needs to be down, whoever needs it moved will move it.

Talking is key. Discuss problems when they are small, before they become big. Be cognizant that no one is perfect and we just do the best we can. Crap happens, deal with it. Is that enough cliches? They're all accurate though.

It's also very important that you get time apart to pursue your own goals. My wife and I each get one weekend day for whatever we want. Usually, it's a ride. Yesterday she went. Today I did. One of us has to be home with the kids. It works out well for us.

15 years married here and we're still very much in love.
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Old 11-08-09, 07:03 PM   #15
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*doesn't raise hand* It's just not a big deal here. If the seat is up and needs to be down, whoever needs it moved will move it.

Talking is key. Discuss problems when they are small, before they become big. Be cognizant that no one is perfect and we just do the best we can. Crap happens, deal with it. Is that enough cliches? They're all accurate though.

It's also very important that you get time apart to pursue your own goals. My wife and I each get one weekend day for whatever we want. Usually, it's a ride. Yesterday she went. Today I did. One of us has to be home with the kids. It works out well for us.

15 years married here and we're still very much in love.
What he said! (except we don't have kids!)
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Old 11-08-09, 07:45 PM   #16
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Thanks all. Balance among family, career and self aren't an issue at all. We're very good at it. I'm not interested in someone else, or even the idea of someone else. I'm just...well, I've never been very good at marriage - long term relationships in general. Honestly, my ideal would be to live as neighbors. We actually have a house plan which is essentially a duplex with shared family room at the back. But we don't have the funds to build it and lord knows if we ever will. Once and awhile I just have to be reminded why I did this, again.
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Old 11-08-09, 08:54 PM   #17
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Friends first....partners second.
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Old 11-08-09, 09:28 PM   #18
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I think a lot of people get married to people they don't know very well, and that's where it starts. They have non stop sex for a few weeks and think they're SOULMATES. Well, when you're in your early 20s you can have non stop sex....a lot of people get married too young too. They think it's always going to be the same and then when it's not, when kids come along, they write it off as a big disappointment.
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Old 11-08-09, 11:05 PM   #19
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Love your wife selflessly. Love is not earned, it is given, with no expectation of getting something in return. Be a student of your wife, observe and listen and then act. Treat your wife like you did when you were still pursuing her for her hand in marriage.

If you are a man of faith and read, try the 5 Love Languages by Chapman or Love Must be Tough by Dobson.

My marriage is far from perfect, in fact it was recently teetering on the edge of disaster. A happy, healthy marriage is hard work. Best of luck. The rewards are well worth the effort.
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Old 11-09-09, 12:03 PM   #20
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I don't think that everyone is cut out for marriage. Some people yearn for it and others do not. I think A LOT of people get married because they think they have to/it's a fact of life/their family wants it, or one person presses for it and the other just goes along with it even though they don't really want to.
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Old 11-09-09, 12:14 PM   #21
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We talk without talking at the other. As stated, just about everything is petty, otherwise it's an emergency. Never try to change the other person, possibly their opinion but never them. Think of them in your daily life. She has and does her things, I have and do my things. We both cherish the kids.

It's work but it's rewarding.
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Old 11-09-09, 12:27 PM   #22
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Contentment?

I get that when I can step away from the frenzy and hassles of the world, and just spend some quiet time together appreciating the simpler things - the things that can get taken for granted. The world will always be there, but being able to share that refuge for at least part of the time helps to keep things from spinning out of control.

almost forgot... our 25th is 29 days away.
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Old 11-09-09, 03:04 PM   #23
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All happy marriages described above probably also involve the guy putting the seat and lid down
Hiring two people to cook and clean for her forgives a multitude of evils...
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Old 11-09-09, 03:17 PM   #24
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don't fight over petty stuff. And almost everything is petty.
+1.
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Old 11-09-09, 05:14 PM   #25
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Try. Try harder if you need to. Just don't try to be perfect. and be honest.
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