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Old 11-30-09, 03:58 PM   #1
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Family... What do you think?

I really don't know how to start this off, dont want to sound emo, im not looking for sympathy, but i want another persons opinion.

I finally got myself in a good financial position, so i take my parents out to Kananaskis for the weekend just thought it'd be all great, show my appreciation for everything in the past etc.
Then i get home and my parents give me an envelope of money to cover everything from the weekend but $100. As kind of a thanks, but we don't need your money. Prior to the weekend, the understanding was that money wont be an issue.
I've talked to them about it too, but they wont take it back.

I feel like its a huge kick in the teeth.
But that could just be me.
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Old 11-30-09, 04:01 PM   #2
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I don't have an immediate family, but I do have some in-laws that are exactly like this. They are well off and like to buy things for us. No matter where we go with them or what we buy, the cost is no matter and they insist on buying. It sucks for me because I was raised that you pay your own way. I've had to learn to live with it and realize it makes them feel good to do this and who am I to take that away from them? Maybe look at it that way.
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Old 11-30-09, 04:05 PM   #3
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I know where you are coming from. It does feel like a kick in the teeth. It's like it totally negates you "doing something nice for them". Kind of like when you offer to give somebody a jump on their car or help them in some way, then they INSIST you take $20 for your trouble or something.

I agree with you. It's rude.

If it were me, I'd probably wait until I cool down and then draft a nice letter telling them how it makes you feel. How you went out of your way to show appreciation and do something nice and they just totally negated that by forcing money back on you.
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Old 11-30-09, 04:21 PM   #4
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My Mom's hit by that a lot by my sister and her husband (who are doing well for the most part) and my mother gets irritated but she takes it in stride and keeps tabs so that when they are here she lets them know in no certain terms that they are to be paying, that this is her treat, dammit. hehe - it gets through. Oh and Mom's been known to send the money back too, with a kind thank you but that she felt it was her turn to treat them as they have done so much for her. For the most part --- that works. Be kind about it.
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Old 11-30-09, 04:46 PM   #5
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Take the money, do something selfish and decadent with it, and never do anything like this again. THAT'LL learn 'em, durn 'em!
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Old 11-30-09, 04:49 PM   #6
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How often do you take something from someone else and feel the need to repay them? My mom gives me a $100 bill every time I go home. I don't need it but she insists that I take it because I do a lot of stuff around the property. Just take it and say it's not necessary. You made the gesture and I'm sure it was much appreciated. No need to think they meant anything by it.
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Old 11-30-09, 04:57 PM   #7
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Turn this around. Your folks have been providing you and helping you out your entire life, often when you didn't (and still don't) know about it. Taking them out for dinner is all well and good, even to somewhere really nice, but they're going to feel a bit like you do now. So my advice is to be gracious about it, thank them, and get over it. Continue to do nice things for them when you can if you want to, but expect that they may want to pay you back. Then again, be gracious and accept it.
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Old 11-30-09, 05:24 PM   #8
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Perhaps they thought it was a nice gesture and wanted to shoulder some of that financial burden. My son is in a good financial place and I wouldn't want him to overdo something like this because he has his own financial responsibilities.

If you want to thank your parents, be a good person. Raise your children to be good people. That is really all they want.
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Old 11-30-09, 05:29 PM   #9
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My mother nickel/dimes me, cares more about $ (except lavishes $ on The Creep she is going to marry) than she has ever apparently cared about me, ie: I'm a college student on student loans and she could care less whether I eat or not. This will bite her on the ass, I will not look after her when she gets too old to look after herself, especially if she marries The Creep.

Anyway, I digress:

I would be overjoyed if my mother offered to pay for part of some kind of trip, I think it's acceptable for your parents to care about you and not want you to spend $$$$$ on them, besides, the fact you thought of them and did something nice with them matters more than $, I think.
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Old 11-30-09, 05:31 PM   #10
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But that's what parents do when they can. My mom never wants presents from me. She wants me to save my money and do something constructive with it (Mom Wish #1 - buy a house; Mom Wish #2 - lots of grandbabies for her). Mom gives me money occasionally when I come visit but her normal gifts are nightgowns and pyjamas. She thinks I'm incapable of buying night wear and in a way I'm not capable of it since I've never bought any. Not once in the 38 years I've been on this planet have I bought a nightie or pjs. I smile and nod and add it to the pile of still not yet worn stuff. It's the way she rolls.

Basically, you're their kid. They take care of you. Not the other way around. It is infuriating but they don't think you are useless. They're probably happier to spend time with you and don't even think of what the money part looks like to you. You can sit down with them and explain it. But you could also go with the flow. Accept the money and put it in the bank for any emergencies.
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Old 11-30-09, 05:41 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by swak View Post
I really don't know how to start this off, dont want to sound emo, im not looking for sympathy, but i want another persons opinion.

I finally got myself in a good financial position, so i take my parents out to Kananaskis for the weekend just thought it'd be all great, show my appreciation for everything in the past etc.
Then i get home and my parents give me an envelope of money to cover everything from the weekend but $100. As kind of a thanks, but we don't need your money. Prior to the weekend, the understanding was that money wont be an issue.
I've talked to them about it too, but they wont take it back.

I feel like its a huge kick in the teeth.
But that could just be me.
Now, was that you assuming or did they actually say that? If your asusuming then you need to calm down and remember that your parents took care of you from the moment you were born and will want to do so till the day they die, caring (money wise) for your children is not an easy habit to break, but if they actually told you this they are being rude and to be honest they are complete asses! (If they told you this that is.)
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Old 11-30-09, 05:48 PM   #12
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Having experienced it, I know it's frustrating. However keep in mind that you're their kid and they're just looking out for your best interest. Keep the money, and remind them that they still owe you $100
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Old 11-30-09, 05:49 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Luddite View Post
My mother nickel/dimes me, cares more about $ (except lavishes $ on The Creep she is going to marry) than she has ever apparently cared about me, ie: I'm a college student on student loans and she could care less whether I eat or not. This will bite her on the ass, I will not look after her when she gets too old to look after herself, especially if she marries The Creep.

Anyway, I digress:

I would be overjoyed if my mother offered to pay for part of some kind of trip, I think it's acceptable for your parents to care about you and not want you to spend $$$$$ on them, besides, the fact you thought of them and did something nice with them matters more than $, I think.
Were in the same position, but a complete 180 at the same time though.

Money means a lot to my mom, so it seems. I think its the only thing she knows. The only real support that i can say i have gotten from her is through financial means growing up.
-When i got into competitive cycling, and working P/T all i heard was "It better not be taking time out of your work"
-Im at a comfortable job now, and even though it doesnt pay top dollar for the field im in, i actually like going to work. All she sees is that im not making as much as i should be.
Its sick really.

So in turn i pay for my folks to take a weekend out in the mountains, and it seems like they dont accept the 'gift'.
This quote comes to mind, i dont know who its by though... "the most selfish thing to be is unselfish".

My parents are great, and taught me lots, but............. i dont know how to put it into words any more.
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Old 11-30-09, 06:23 PM   #14
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I would not sweat it. Consider it as them thinking of you going out of your way for them when they know you did not have to. I have a great relationship with my father so for him to give me money is no big deal. It doesn't happen yet I do spend a significant amount of money on him and he doesn't think much of it. His time and hard work is worth so much more than I could ever care to think about.
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Old 11-30-09, 06:28 PM   #15
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I know my mom's family had 'i'm paying!' 'no, i'm paying!!' wars and got into sneaky things like giving their visa to the waitress before the meal so she can charge it up before anybody knows what happened, and then they all got together and *****ed about that cheap bastard uncle who never got into the escalation of who's paying...

Anyway, unless you're used to that kind of an escalation, I would just take it as them meaning well and let it go and yeah probably not do anything like that again unless you want them to respond the same way (although I wouldn't bet the rent money on them responding the same way next time of course...)
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Old 11-30-09, 06:41 PM   #16
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Parents, can't live with them, wouldn't be here without em!

Its their way of saying they are proud of you. They gripe like screaming monkeys to get yourself "financially sound." Then when you stand on your two feet, a gift. Buy them something for their house if you really feel like you should give it back. Otherwise prepare for parenthood. Someday you will have the privilege of confusing the next generation.
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Old 12-01-09, 09:30 AM   #17
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it doesn't sound like they mean anything bad by it, but it clearly bothers you. You shouldn't ignore your own feelings. Not every parent does this sort of stuff, but clearly many do. Whatever you say or do probably won't change their attitude/behavior, unless it turns into a big snowballing fight situation, which I doubt any of you want.

here's another solution; next time, before you take them out, make a point of saying it's important to you to show your love/appreciation for all they've done, and stress how good it makes you feel to be able to do something nice for them now. And mention how you never could have gotten in your present situation without their help. This way, they are a part of the money earned/spent on them, and they are being told how letting you pay is them doing something nice for you - because that is clearly what is this is also about - it's not just you doing something nice for them. Otherwise, why would you be upset? I am sure they'd like doing that for you if they can hear where you;re coming from.

If they just can't handle it and have to give you money anyway, just roll your eyes, explain pleasantly you don't need it and reiterate your previous statements. If they insist, place the money (right then and there, while they watch) into a change jar you conveniently placed ahead of time, out in the open somewhere (kitchen counter, etc) for just this event, and tell them you'll just send it to a local charity. If they are cool with that, go ahead and donate the money, it's a win-win for all. If they freak, reiterate, you don't need the money.

Good luck with whatever you decide, but I agree with other posts, as upsetting as this might be to you don't let it ruin your relationship with your folks. I am sure they mean well.

and speaking as another who never had such generosity shown, it is something you should never take for granted.
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Old 12-01-09, 09:55 AM   #18
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As a parent, this is my thinking. We are so happy with our son-in-law it is almost pathetic. As parents, you worry about who your children will marry. Our daughter married a wonderful man. We just want to do things for them, though we know they don't need anything. It is a way to show appreciation. And, if your parents are like us, money doesn't mean much.

So, pay it forward. Help someone who needs it and let your parents know that because of their generosity, you were able to help someone else. That way they are happy and so are you. You have made it clear you didn't need their money but you appreciate them helping you help others.

And if you want them to never do it again, give to a charity they don't approve of. lol
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Old 12-01-09, 09:56 AM   #19
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The thought is what counts on this one.
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Old 12-01-09, 10:09 AM   #20
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save it for a really nice nursing home?
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Old 12-01-09, 11:20 AM   #21
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It's not worth arguing about... Steer your mouse to proflowers.com, and anonimously enroll your folks in one of their "flowers of the month" club, using thier money to pay for it. Or find a fruit of the month, or something similar. Give them a super sized x-mas gift. But, I'm telling you - the flowers will work - with your mom, anyway!
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Old 12-01-09, 11:44 AM   #22
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save it for a really nice nursing home?
this, sadly, makes the most sense. especially if your folks are handing you wads of $1000 bills
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Old 12-01-09, 12:13 PM   #23
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I really don't know how to start this off, dont want to sound emo, im not looking for sympathy, but i want another persons opinion.

I finally got myself in a good financial position, so i take my parents out to Kananaskis for the weekend just thought it'd be all great, show my appreciation for everything in the past etc.
Then i get home and my parents give me an envelope of money to cover everything from the weekend but $100. As kind of a thanks, but we don't need your money. Prior to the weekend, the understanding was that money wont be an issue.
I've talked to them about it too, but they wont take it back.

I feel like its a huge kick in the teeth.
But that could just be me.
I have more money than my folks and used to cringe at them sending me money for my birthday, Christmas etc. Then someone reminded me of the joy of giving and why would I deny someone else of the pleasure. Accept the money graciously and gratefully, I know it's hard, but allow your folks to feel like they did their part. When you get the opportunity, recipocate.
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Old 12-01-09, 12:24 PM   #24
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I have a theory on people who always refuses to accept a gift without paying you... They don't want to feel like they owe you anything. They are transactionals who feel that if you buy them dinner, they are obligated to do your bidding at a point in the future.

I have some friends like that that. I can give them something, such a real nice cell phone from a carrier I no longer use. It's worthless to me. Then they are trying to force a $20 on me to relieve them from any obligation to pay me back. They do not understand that someone may give something and not expect something in return.
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Old 12-01-09, 12:29 PM   #25
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You gave them a gift, and they threw it back at you. I would recommend telling them that regardless of how they feel about it, you feel offended. Apologize that your gift wasn't good enough for them to accept. Then tell them they are taking their money back, and you are done talking about it.

There ya go, another country heard from.
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