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Thread: Bad Hemingway

  1. #1
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    Bad Hemingway

    The old man lay awake. This night was like many others. As he lay sweating on the thin, lumpy mattress, he thought of beef jerky and his life in the army. And he thought of her. He had fled to the army to escape, but she followed him in his dreams, like the cats that follow the milk wagons of the streets of Paris. She was still young in his dreams, ageless, like the haunches of a young bull, ready to charge the toreador and the picadors. A young bull that would soon be thinly sliced, rubbed with spices and left to dry on the racks behind the wine sellers shop.

    http://www.badhemingway.com/index.html

    Do any other writers inspire such bad writing, or look alike contests?

    Discuss and/or write your own bad Hemingway and post it here.

    Oh, and have some beef jerky while you are at it.
    Last edited by jsharr; 02-01-10 at 09:04 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

  2. #2
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    Your searching for inspired/creative writers in this abyss of uncultured lunacy?
    And the sad thing is I'm your first post
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  3. #3
    Seņor Member USAZorro's Avatar
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    The thrill of the slaughter of the innocent lingered like the perfume of gin that clung to a pillowcase that had been brazenly pilfered from the brothel it had taken five men to eject him from. Smiling, he fingered the three fresh lumps which had tenderly swollen from beneath his thinning pate in response to the greetings of the bouncers' truncheons. He swirled another cigar in the brandy before lighting it, in a vain gesture to erase the memories which were now returning with a clarity that suggested the confused dream had actually been acted out the night before. How many pigeons had he actually decapitated? Between the nightstand, and the door lay his answer.
    The search for inner peace continues...

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    Senior Member mojopt's Avatar
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    USAZorrow,

    I don't know what you are smoking but that is some pretty good sh@t.

    Best regards,

    Mike

  5. #5
    Hey guyz? Guyz? Wait up!! Siu Blue Wind's Avatar
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    Wrapped in layers of old thinning blankets, she leaned herself back into the old overstuffed sofa - settling deep into the body shaped crevice. The cloth stained from nights of drunken laughter, passion from many sailors - the dirty arms of it dotted with burns from her unfiltered cigarettes. She was tired, her body worn, the skin of her face loose as a stretched out nylon hose, eyes dull from years of seeing what a lady should never see. All alone, her eyes moved around the cold darkened room as if in search of certain answers. Cold like a meat locker, encased by steel. Darkened until she lit the paper and leaf stick that dangled from her crooked and limp lips that now formed a frown. The glow exposing the truth of what really hid in the shadows. That nobody was there. Nobody knew she was there. Nobody even cared if she was there. Nothing but the movement of burning, ashy air through her thick and stiffened lungs. But did it really matter? She listened very carefully. She can still hear the music, the laughter. She can still smell the stale lingering perfume, laced with anxious sweat. Closing her eyes, she can still see the dancing, the slow seductive moves she used to lure the men flock to her like insects to light. She was beautiful. Firm and strong body, long dark wavy hair, tight and glowing skin, burning passionate eyes, a come hither to the tone in her voice and a smile that was embedded on the minds of many men forever. They loved her, they longed for her, for she was the woman that all the lonely men wanted, even if just for one night. The night that gave them the ultimate of experiences. A night that will never escape them. She never spent an evening alone.

    But where are they now?

    She looked around that cold meat locker, a wry smile slowly appearing, exposing her brown stained and broken teeth.

    She never.... spent an evening alone.
    Last edited by Siu Blue Wind; 02-02-10 at 09:23 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Buddha
    We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
    Quote Originally Posted by making View Post
    Please dont outsmart the censor. That is a very expensive censor and every time one of you guys outsmart it it makes someone at the home office feel bad. We dont wanna do that. So dont cleverly disguise bad words.

  6. #6
    Domestic Domestique UnsafeAlpine's Avatar
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    There is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It's exactly like Pride and Prejudice except with zombies. Hilarious...

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    Banned. ModoVincere's Avatar
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    He layed in the bed thinking of tomorrow. He knew he would not be long for this small island. Hearing the call of the ocean, beckoning him once again, he was uncertain. Torn between the ocean and her, knowing it was going to be a struggle. He reached over to the night stand and picked up his cigar and took a drag. The smoke hung in the air and over the pillowcase. Swirling and curling like a hurricane on the radar screen from his days as a meterologist. Then he thought to himself, why not? She's an adult, and if she's willing, so is he. Then she walked into the room, dressed in the tiniest of tiny lace teddies.

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    Senior Member Fast Cloud's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jsharr View Post
    Do any other writers inspire such bad writing, or look alike contests?

    Discuss and/or write your own bad Hemingway and post it here.
    The answer to the question is...no. As for writing my own bad Hemingway well...there isn't room here for his collected works.

  9. #9
    Squirrelly Member trsidn's Avatar
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    ok, y'all are kinda sick...
    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    Yet more proof that I'm.. well, pretty much right about everything.

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    I strolled into the central plaza noticing the cracking facades and the smell of decay that only a Central American Village could provide. Detroit sure had changed I thought, as I watched a gaggle of white geese crossing the interstate unimpeded by motor vehicles. If only I could catch one, I reached for the one nearest to me. "F#$%" it blurted out. That sure was a funny quack, I reached again."F$%^" it said again. Well I guess Detroit hasn't changed that much.

  11. #11
    (((Fully Awake))) Serendipper's Avatar
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    Hi, my name is Earnest and I just caught these delicious bass....



    Last edited by Serendipper; 02-02-10 at 09:39 AM.

  12. #12
    Seņor Member USAZorro's Avatar
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    I'll see your Ernest, and raise you one.

    The search for inner peace continues...

  13. #13
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    Ah, delicious bass. One filled with irony, the other redolent with pity. They were skinned next to brook and cooked over an open flame.
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    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

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    How did Ernest join the Army Slip by me? I feel incomplete.

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    Squirrelly Member trsidn's Avatar
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    knowhutimean?
    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    Yet more proof that I'm.. well, pretty much right about everything.

  16. #16
    You Know!? For Kids! jsharr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bobfromwaco View Post
    How did Ernest join the Army Slip by me? I feel incomplete.
    You need to expound on this theme. Expound on it in short sentences. Short sentences are all the rage right now in Monte Carlo. Give them shortness and give them sentences. But occasionally, let your sentences run free and unfettered, like a dorado caught on a short line dangled off the stern of your boat as you row towards the lights of Havana, were you visited as a young man and spent hours in smoke filled cantinas, drinking the rum and listening to the older fishermen tell tales of the big fish.
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    Quote Originally Posted by colorider View Post
    Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.

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    Sort of in the same same vein...I thought this article was absolutely brilliant:

    http://www.theonion.com/content/news...nies_mourn_j_d

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    Quote Originally Posted by jsharr View Post
    You need to expound on this theme. Expound on it in short sentences. Short sentences are all the rage right now in Monte Carlo. Give them shortness and give them sentences. But occasionally, let your sentences run free and unfettered, like a dorado caught on a short line dangled off the stern of your boat as you row towards the lights of Havana, were you visited as a young man and spent hours in smoke filled cantinas, drinking the rum and listening to the older fishermen tell tales of the big fish.
    The weight of your magnanimous post rolls over my brain, forcing my understanding of my own inferior linguistic skills. I reached for the scotch. "Sure its nine in the mourning" I thought "but after that verbal beat down what choice has Jsharr left me?". I sighed. "What will my children think?"

  19. #19
    Senior Member Fast Cloud's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bobfromwaco View Post
    The weight of your magnanimous post rolls over my brain, forcing my understanding of my own inferior linguistic skills. I reached for the scotch. "Sure its nine in the mourning" I thought "but after that verbal beat down what choice has Jsharr left me?". I sighed. "What will my children think?"
    That's beautiful, man. I'm truely moved...

  20. #20
    Super Moderator Allen's Avatar
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    I had a CAT-scan two weeks ago.. I could feel that thing killing a part of my mind... It killed a lot of my visualization processes in my mind, with witch I used to be able to visualize new technologies and devices, beyond all our sciences and thought processing abilities...

    I had 300 untapped technologies, and residuals of 1100 more.. Now it seem it's all lost... They drugged me bigtime, with three nasty little pills.. then suddenly I was in a CAT-Scan room.. The nurse ordering me to lay down.. Me saying "I don't want this!".. The cop telling me to lay down, or they'll strap me down, and press my head between two hard pads!"..
    How do I repair the severe damage the cat-scan did to my mind, in pulling me down to this ape-world, when before I had all the rest of Life, and now it feels like maybe I'm stuck in hell, here with you in your crazy extinction process.. when before the scan, I could time-travel mentally...
    I did an experimental TT jaunt back to T.Rex's.. In the dream I was just standing there in prehistoric times, admiring the puffy leafed plants, and a weird caterpillar eating the leaves.. when a young T'Rex steps out of the grasses.. sees me, and charges.. and slashes its claw at my arm, in its knocking me over.. to me soaring through the air, to bouncing and rolling on the ground.. My arm was gashed right to the bone in the dream... My arm Stung like HELL!.. and Throbbed big-time!.. WhooH! I froze-trance.. glimpsed my arm in real time... It showed a bright red-line exactly as the gash in the dream... I had made connection with the Past.. That Damn cat-scan "chewed my mind up, and spit it out", or "burned out the connections..?".. How do I fix it?.. How do I rescue my mind?.. I used to be able to massage a wild-grizzly's shoulders with my imaginary hand.. and the bears would push up into the illusionary massage... Now it feels like this insane culture made me be just like them.. "mindless numbed-out vegetables" horrifically afraid of new thought, and change...

    Not a problem though.. I've got my ticket into the next... It's just that I ain't gonna share it with a species who murders great minds... Your critters are on your own... You're too mean for the afterlife... It would only eat-you seconds after your entry.. thank goodness! too.. cuz you would only piss on the roses, and squabble like a herd of baby chimps fighting over a banana... And if you made it.. Well I'd just have-to feed you to one of my pets, to maintain the afterlife free of riffraff, and destruction, and hate...

    Deal is.. You fix the mess the cat-scan did to my head, and I'll guarantee you the afterlife, how I knows it... And that, "you can put in the bank"...


    Can you tell me..? Why does humanity opt to be on an extinction highway..?
    Every big thing mankind does ends in extinction someway or another... Are you creatures all insane?..
    HeY! if you didn't want these technologies you could have just told me, and I would have stopped trying to peg down a lab.. You didn't have to destroy me to prevent me from giving you liquid electricity emitter, flying-car engines.. that could be modified to get you to other galaxies... ( technology 1 of 1400.... ) I could have eliminated all your diseases... Your forced cat-scan thingahozzits just lost you 1400 technologies and your future... I wonders what that would have been worth, in dollars..? You are extinct near the year 145,730 when the last human is cracking the marrow out of the bones of the second last... Seems I have the rest of Life... Do you..?

    I suppose I'm "lucky" in a way, that I didn't get a bullet for trying to push your specie's intellect up three more rungs... You really hurt me bigtime.. but the afterlife is mine, hunny-boos.. Have a noice extinction humes... HaH! I used-to be able to visualize your kerosene powered flying cars, as a hilarious joke.. Now all I gots of it is words, and your extremely restricted meanings... Oh yay.. now i'm just like you.. "oh ptttht!"..
    I wish you critters could understand that you don't climb by pulling others down...
    Is that some sort of global insanity yer all in..? Is this world your global asylum..?
    You critters would get a lot more new stuff if you could figure out an easy way to pull yourn heads out yer arses... there's a wondrous daylight out-here... Don't be uhfraid.. Takes a little peak out here.. after you've cleaned the shid out yourn eyes...
    Maybe yer all just afraid of the light... Maybe it's an "ostrich" kind of thing..?
    umm..? Is it fun?..
    I hopes you don't wants me to be like you... Cuz it ain't gonna happen, booboos... I'm already out of here, ceptin' for this little bit of me...




    You fix the damage that dern cat-scan did to my mind, and you'll fly with me hun... One! person only.. the rest can just stay in the hell they made here...

    Would you give dangerous technologies to this insane Species?..
    They'd only make people killing weapons out of it...
    They don't deserve any new stuff...
    Hell! they don't even deserve Life..
    They would only "piss on the roses"...

    Got any ideas on why that cat scan lit-up all my 4 childhood concussions..? Each one as "hot" as it was just after it happened.. Why?.. Each one is a weird yucky nasty headache in its own right.. each one different.. each one feeling like some little radiation-demon, or virus, is ripping around destroying tissues and connections needed for a fully functional mind... You critters got me real good with this one.. But why would you want to "burn this bridge?".. I held your future...
    You creatures are most definitely insane, to do that vile tortuous thing to another human being... What?, Did you get bored of "electro-shock therapy", and "tapping wounds with alcohol soaked turkey feathers, dipped in bright colored rock powders, to frighten away infections"..? You critters are devolving.. and you don't even know it... It's like you've got humanity spinning in a great global toilet, on flush-cycle... Why?..
    Quote Originally Posted by unterhausen
    I believe that in this case "solid meh" means "so 'meh' that it could never be anything more than 'meh', and yet also no less than 'meh' -- in a word, exactly 'meh'"

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