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  1. #1
    Super Moderator no1mad's Avatar
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    Children's Homes

    Anyone have any experience with homes for troubled kids? I'm not too keen on the idea, but I find myself looking for info on them.

    I have a 13 yr old girl that was sent to us by her father. He got tired of her crap- vandalism, theft, weapons possession at school (2 counts)...

    We explained to her that she had the opportunity to turn a leaf, so to speak- a fresh start. Nobody out here knew of her problems back East, save for the family. In the six months that she's been here, we've caught her lying, stealing, smoking, going over to a boys house that she's been told to stay away from. She bullies her younger siblings (my kids), and likes to associate with younger kids.

    She has anger management issues that she uses as a crutch. Anytime that she is asked/told to do something (repeatedly), she starts slamming doors and then tries to get out of whatever by saying that she has homework to do (even though she is supposed to do that first). She's being a bad influence on the younger siblings, and that's starting to piss me off.

    We've tried the heart to heart approach on a few different occasions that adjusted her attitude for about a day. She claims to have been spanked all the time before coming out here, so those threats don't faze her.

    My patience is wearing thin. Aside from some DIYing water boarding for behavioral modification purposes, it is starting to look like she may be better off in a girls home.
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    RacingBear UmneyDurak's Avatar
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    Maybe make spanking more then a threat?
    I see hills.... Bring them on!!!
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    What, no round-trip ticket? Send the little **** back. Or let her go to juvie for the next offense.

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    Military school?

  5. #5
    Me and the cat... Pamestique's Avatar
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    I volunteer (for the last 6 years) , through a mentoring program, for what you would consider a home for wayward girls. Most have had discplinary problems at home and all have been kicked out of school. The home I visit has 8 girls. Now I believe this home is a good place. The "home parents" are a kindly, concerned involved couple. They think of all of the girls as their children. I believe this is the first time any of girls have had a safe, secure and comfortable home but... 3 of the girls will most likely find themselves on the street or in jail. All of us pour our heart and soul into the group but some girls - well, maybe they are just too far gone.

    Maybe this is a God's blessing this girl was sent to you somehow. If there is any way to help her, make the effort. It is very important that she be involved in counseling and that you participate with her. But... big but, if this girl in any way infers with the care and safety of your family, she has to go. Your family, your children come first -always. And you tell her that - not an idle threat - it is a reality. Here are our expectations - mess up one time - you go back home or to a group home or on the street. Sounds harsh but it appears this girl has never had to deal with consequences.

    There are many messed up kids out there - you can't always reach them. I've failed as many times as I have succeeded but I dwell on the successes not the failures.

    Good luck, remember your family first, take care.
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  6. #6
    Administrator CbadRider's Avatar
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    Have you tried getting her into counseling? If she has anger management issues they need to be dealt with on a personal level. She is acting out for a reason. Perhaps a counselor can figure out why.
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  7. #7
    Super Moderator no1mad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by overthehillmedi View Post
    Military school?
    That option is on the table.

    WW3 broke out today. Found some rather interesting things:

    -She has had a Facebook account for more than a year from what I can tell. Never used FB, so can't tell for sure. Apparently had one of her older friends back East set it up for her. The pictures on there were not too questionable, but she was telling everyone that she was in a relationship and employed by the National Health Administration.
    -She has been sneaking on to her mom's Dell laptop using my sign-on. That Dell was mine for one day, then I gave it to my wife. The wife noticed her system was bogging down lately. A/V scans were good, but the AdAware scan returned a bunch of flags. Pulled up the web browser- it had numerous search engines in the tool bar: Bing, Yahoo, Google, MySearchEngine...others that I don't remember. I only have one dedicated search engine in each browser. If I want to use another engine, I'll just go to that site and use it.
    -She filled out credit card apps online while back East. Nobody knew that she had done that, until the cards showed up in the mailbox the week after she was shipped out here.
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  8. #8
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    +! to CBad's suggestion as to counseling. I would also ask the school she attends for a referral or their suggestions. The school social worker or counselor is probably plugged into the local resources available.
    Regards, MillCreek
    Snohomish County, Washington USA

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    Quote Originally Posted by UmneyDurak View Post
    Maybe make spanking more then a threat?
    I would be a +1 except for the age...13 is into the weird area. My brother would always shout that he would call DYFS (Division of youth and family services aka social workers), my mother always gave him the number, nothing ever happened. (Ironically enough we turned into a foster family)

    As much as it is an pain in the butt to you she will not be better off in a girls home.

    Do not make threats you don't intend to carry out. That always will backfire and lead to less respect than she may show now.

    More info would be helpful, if your family is in danger shipping her off is a consideration. If the worst she is doing is being on facebook and slamming doors....well it isn't good behavior, but It shouldn't be "put you in a home" behavior imo.

    What were the "weapons" she had? Schools do sometimes go overboard in these things nowadays.

  10. #10
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    I am not sure that spanking anyone, but especially an adolescent, is going to accomplish much.
    Regards, MillCreek
    Snohomish County, Washington USA

  11. #11
    Super Moderator no1mad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heckler View Post
    I would be a +1 except for the age...13 is into the weird area. My brother would always shout that he would call DYFS (Division of youth and family services aka social workers), my mother always gave him the number, nothing ever happened. (Ironically enough we turned into a foster family)

    As much as it is an pain in the butt to you she will not be better off in a girls home.

    Do not make threats you don't intend to carry out. That always will backfire and lead to less respect than she may show now.

    More info would be helpful, if your family is in danger shipping her off is a consideration. If the worst she is doing is being on facebook and slamming doors....well it isn't good behavior, but It shouldn't be "put you in a home" behavior imo.

    What were the "weapons" she had? Schools do sometimes go overboard in these things nowadays.
    The first time was a cheap utility knife, the kind with the "snap off as it dulls" variety. The second time (while on probation from the first offense) was a box knife with the replaceable safety blade. She had just managed to remove the blade from the cutter and was attempting to cover it with her shoe when she was caught. She was kicked out of school for the remainder of the year after that last stunt.

    Adding: Mind you, it appears that the most serious, criminal acts all took place before moving into my house. She actually did have go to court over a theft charge, but it was dismissed because the other party failed to show.
    Her grades have gone from 'D's and 'F's to 'C's and 'B's, largely because her mother threatened to beat the piss out of her is she didn't.

    While I haven't caught her doing anything out here that might remotely warrant time before a judge, it's her attitude. When she gets caught doing something (or not doing, like her chores), she's not remorseful. She's resentful that she has to stand there and get lectured to again.

    I could almost deal with the lying and the stealing, IF she was the youngest in the household. She's not. My son is 6 and my daughter is 9. They idolize their older sister, even though she bullies them. She's shoved, slapped, pinched, twisted, and prolly even punched both of them hard enough to bring them tears on numerous occasions. My son is starting to ask permission less, and just go ahead and do whatever. My daughters grades are starting to slip- this from the over achieving teacher's pet- the one whose teachers have left instructions for the substitute teachers to "just ask So and So" if they had any questions about the material being covered.

    I grew up in as an only child in a single parent home. All of this sibling rivalry/family dynamic crap is rather disturbing.
    Last edited by no1mad; 02-15-10 at 09:18 PM.
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    Does she break down boxes (I did at 14)? I obviously don't know what she is up to as much as you, but while she may be very annoying she may have messed up a few times and things kinda snowballed. I would have never been kicked out of school for a box cutter (unless I was weilding it at someone) and with the amount of kids cutting and lord knows what else I bet a fair number of them have razors at any given time.

    You said she likes to associate with younger children? In my uneducated view and observation, it has seemed that the really "bad" ones hang out with older crowds, and the "pretend bad" ones hang out and bully younger kids. The theft could be a concern depending on what it was, but she doesn't sound all that bad to me (though not a plesent experiance by a long shot).

    Of course you are doing a favor to a friend so it shouldn't be a burden. Just let this be an example of how above average you must be raising your own kids. A free reminder of what could happen.

    Try some positive reinforcement. She is obviously yerning for some freedom, Tighting the leash might not be what the doctor ordered. Maybe reward her for doing the small things right? Honestly you sound like too nice of a guy to be a hard ass, and she may have noticed that. Caring families like your own might do better trying more than just punishing them.

    Best of luck, but like everyone said your family first. Why did the father give up?

  13. #13
    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ efrobert's Avatar
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    I bet in the next two years she has your kids hooked on drugs and she gets knocked up.

  14. #14
    Super Moderator no1mad's Avatar
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    Oh, boy, where to begin?

    -The knives: Dunno why should took them to school. The first time could have been ignorance, been not the second. She knew it was wrong that second time or she wouldn't have bothered to try and ditch the evidence.

    -The younger kids: We are not sure if she avoids her own age group because she fears peer pressure or alienating any potential friends with her demeanor. It's possible that the younger crowd give a false sense of respect.

    -The personal freedoms: Her standard of living is higher out here. She has been permitted more freedom out here than she ever enjoyed back East, and she freely admits it. We allowed her to pick her own classes when she transferred out here, allowed her to change her hair color and wear make-up, do sleepovers, extracurricular activities... we're probably letting her have too much fun time, given the attitude she's been giving. Fact is, if it weren't for the attitude, she'd have a lot more freedom. Hell, I've even thought about getting her into BMX (ABA-certified track 10 minute drive away), or even CX racing, if there's a young enough age bracket.

    -As to the Father: Mostly had to do with her antics and reputation in school. He got tired of all the yelling between her and her older brother. My wife has been wanting to get all the kids with her for more than a decade now, and he finally admitted that a girl does need her mother (swallowed a bitter pill that day). And since my wife was already paying chlid support to him for three kids (17 yr old has been with us for almost 2 years now), but he only had two living with him, why not just eliminate the stressor in his house while keeping the money coming in? Bassturd.
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  15. #15
    Super Moderator no1mad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by efrobert View Post
    I bet in the next two years she has your kids hooked on drugs and she gets knocked up.
    That has entered my mind already. She already has some form of Herpes- it's not the genital one, and not entirely sure how she got it. My wife has the same thing, and she got it from her Ex (the girls father).
    Quote Originally Posted by Cyril View Post
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  16. #16
    Footballus vita est iamlucky13's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MillCreek View Post
    I am not sure that spanking anyone, but especially an adolescent, is going to accomplish much.
    I will say from experience that spanking got more effective the older I got. It wasn't the pain. It was the unequivocal message that I had crossed the line.

    That said, you have to use discretion when using physical punishment. It must never be an angry reaction or it becomes about emotion and negative reaction, not corrective action. I'd also mention that my upbringing was a lot different than hers. Being punished meant something to me because I considered myself a good kid. I can't say that she'll respond the same way.
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    Senior Member Oscuro's Avatar
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    I'm not a parent. Nor was I a misbehaving kid, nor even really troubled (Depressed yes, but not expressive of it). So, I'm not sure of how much value my consideration may be, but it always seemed to me, that my friend was raised in an interesting situation;

    Her parents gave her the option to dispute the "house rules" if she could come up with a convincing enough argument. And obviously, "Just because someone elses parents let them, does not count as convincing enough."

    The reason I bring this up, is that this daughter seems to want to be recognized as an adult I believe. Maybe sit her down, and ask her what she thinks would be fair?

    But in any, and all cases: Threats cannot be idle. An idle threat is a hollow exclamation. One that will be ignored at the earliest convenience. If it does come down to spanking, do so with only your hand. As it was my parent's belief, so it has become mine; that to use an implement, or "tool" to spank with, it is no longer punishment, but abuse. You know not how hard you are hitting with an instrument, only the sting of your hand can tell you that.
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  18. #18
    AEO
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    she can probably use a role model
    ... of what kind, I'm not sure, but definitely someone who's gone through the same stuff she is going through now. A person who would have been out-casted themselves, but changed their ways and is willing to help kids like her. Someone she can relate to.

    but where to find someone like this...
    maybe ask around at adult education centres?
    Food for thought: if you aren't dead by 2050, you and your entire family will be within a few years from starvation. Now that is a cruel gift to leave for your offspring. ;)
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    Senior Member jdon's Avatar
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    Psychological issues require psycholigical help. There is a lot of testing that needs to be done. I would find an appropriate in-patient home/institution. This will require lots of work on your part and being there and being supportive is an important part of the solution.

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    Banned. ModoVincere's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jdon View Post
    Psychological issues require psycholigical help. There is a lot of testing that needs to be done. I would find an appropriate in-patient home/institution. This will require lots of work on your part and being there and being supportive is an important part of the solution.
    +1

  21. #21
    King of the Plukers Spreggy's Avatar
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    Professional help is the correct answer. Seek the advice of a counselor, a good one at that.

    And by the way, most kids have Facebook accounts. It's normal.
    “Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.”
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  22. #22
    Domestic Domestique UnsafeAlpine's Avatar
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    Professional help. Seek it out for her and for your family. I'd do that way before I thought about "shipping her off."

  23. #23
    AEO
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    trust me on the role model part. She could use someone she can relate, trust and talk to as another counsellor.
    Food for thought: if you aren't dead by 2050, you and your entire family will be within a few years from starvation. Now that is a cruel gift to leave for your offspring. ;)
    http://sanfrancisco.ibtimes.com/arti...ger-photos.htm

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