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Old 09-25-10, 11:57 AM   #1
phantomcow2
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Mutual attraction, but I don't want to be in a relationship. Ethical question.

For the past year I have been categorically opposed to being in any form of a romantic relationship. I don't want to have to think about another person when I make decisions, or be expected to see the other person on a regular basis. I've casually dated people I have met at college parties, but haven't let it last more than a couple of weeks. Oh and it hasn't been exclusive.

Recently I met someone. She is best friends with a mutual friend of ours, who informs me she is attracted to me and almost certainly wants a relationship. I've been hanging out with her; she has slept over a few times this week. I'm loosely considering exclusivity with her, and was hoping that spending time together would help me decide. The ethical part of this situation exists because it's entirely possible I wont want to date her at all, but in the mean time I feel like I'm kind of leading her on -- getting her hopes up, if you will. I'm definitely into her, I just don't know if I want to date her.

What is the right thing to do? Do I continue to be indecisive, knowing that there is a chance I may want to embark on a relationship, all the while knowing I wont want anything more? Or do I stop everything and tell her this?
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Old 09-25-10, 12:00 PM   #2
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That's how relationships work; you don't know if you want to continue until you try it out. Even for engineers.
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Old 09-25-10, 12:10 PM   #3
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Be straight forward and as matter of fact about it as possible.
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Old 09-25-10, 12:14 PM   #4
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I think I may be too old-fashioned for this thread.
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Old 09-25-10, 12:17 PM   #5
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Drink boiling water.
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Old 09-25-10, 12:17 PM   #6
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****!
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Old 09-25-10, 12:19 PM   #7
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Oh my! I didn't know we couldn't say the acronym for South Lake Union Trolley here. Sorry 'bout that.
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Old 09-25-10, 12:23 PM   #8
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You are about to learn the wrath of woman.
It's an important lesson and usually falls somewhere between the wrath of bees and the wrath of bears.
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Old 09-25-10, 12:26 PM   #9
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Oh my! I didn't know we couldn't say the acronym for South Lake Union Trolley here. Sorry 'bout that.
Lololol she's not one of those.
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Old 09-25-10, 12:29 PM   #10
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You are about to learn the wrath of woman.
It's an important lesson and usually falls somewhere between the wrath of bees and the wrath of bears.

I've actually begun to understand the wrath of a woman -- it's part of why I've been avoiding serious relationships with them.
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Old 09-25-10, 12:31 PM   #11
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Oh, I wasn't talking about her.....
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Old 09-25-10, 12:34 PM   #12
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Oh, I wasn't talking about her.....
You're only in college once .
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Old 09-25-10, 12:35 PM   #13
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I've actually begun to understand the wrath of a woman -- it's part of why I've been avoiding serious relationships with them.
The second part of the lesson is learning there is no way to avoid it. Sooner or later you always find yourself wearing a shirt made of sharpened cats.
Buck up and endure. Straightforward and honest is the only path.
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Old 09-25-10, 03:42 PM   #14
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The second part of the lesson is learning there is no way to avoid it. Sooner or later you always find yourself wearing a shirt made of sharpened cats.
Buck up and endure. Straightforward and honest is the only path.
No way to avoid it? How about not leading her on?

I never thought of the cat shirt idea - thanks!
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Old 09-25-10, 04:10 PM   #15
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Lololol she's not one of those.
He was not talking about I her, just so you know. EDIT, just read the thread after posting the first thing that came to mind and find that I am once again, late to the draw. glad this was not a gun fight.
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Old 09-25-10, 04:36 PM   #16
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For the past year I have been categorically opposed to being in any form of a romantic relationship. I don't want to have to think about another person when I make decisions, or be expected to see the other person on a regular basis. I've casually dated people I have met at college parties, but haven't let it last more than a couple of weeks. Oh and it hasn't been exclusive.

Recently I met someone. She is best friends with a mutual friend of ours, who informs me she is attracted to me and almost certainly wants a relationship. I've been hanging out with her; she has slept over a few times this week. I'm loosely considering exclusivity with her, and was hoping that spending time together would help me decide. The ethical part of this situation exists because it's entirely possible I wont want to date her at all, but in the mean time I feel like I'm kind of leading her on -- getting her hopes up, if you will. I'm definitely into her, I just don't know if I want to date her.

What is the right thing to do? Do I continue to be indecisive, knowing that there is a chance I may want to embark on a relationship, all the while knowing I wont want anything more? Or do I stop everything and tell her this?
Dude, you have no choice in the matter, when/if its time it'll just happen and you'll have absolutely no control over it.
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Old 09-25-10, 05:05 PM   #17
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Be straight forward and as matter of fact about it as possible.
This.

Talk to her. It's all about communication.
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Old 09-25-10, 05:08 PM   #18
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Truth & Honesty - tell her how you feel so she can go in with eyes wide open.
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Old 09-25-10, 05:11 PM   #19
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Tell her you just want to be friends... in fewer words than that. I've gotten it down to three words...
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Old 09-25-10, 09:10 PM   #20
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Cheating on the Landlady eh?

With that "Kramer"hairdo of yours be thankfull for whatever comes down the pike
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Old 09-26-10, 01:19 AM   #21
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... wearing a shirt made of sharpened cats.
Yikes! Yowwwww!

Crikey Allen - that just conjured up all manner of scary images.
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Old 09-26-10, 01:14 PM   #22
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The whole cake and eating it too thing, best of luck with that...no seriously.
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Old 09-26-10, 11:08 PM   #23
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Tell her you just want to be friends... in fewer words than that. I've gotten it down to three words...
"let's just ****." ?? or does the contraction count as 2 words? damn!

to the OP, you have to talk to her about it.
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Old 09-27-10, 09:38 AM   #24
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I think I may be too old-fashioned for this thread.
Me, too!!

Already slept over a few times. But doesn't know if it's a relationship. Leading on. Spending time together.

These words...how do they go together in the same thought????
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Old 09-27-10, 03:16 PM   #25
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Me, too!!

Already slept over a few times. But doesn't know if it's a relationship. Leading on. Spending time together.

These words...how do they go together in the same thought????
Hahaha. I don't really now how to respond. I don't think college is the place for serious relationships; better to have a good sampling to maximize your experience by the time you're out of college. That said, we've both been texting each other a whole lot. It's been almost two weeks and we still seem to enjoy each other's company; I expect it will lead into something exclusive soon. Thanks for the replies, all .
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