What do you Call this Behavior, so I can Work on It?
Quick background: Graduated college and had an amazing career in music going: doing everything I ever wanted to do with music, with room for more. Met my wife. Moved out of state and I “took a break” from music. Moved back home with wife. Been working my full-time, non-music job ever since (5 years now).
Present moment: This is where I get confused. I miss my musical career. I don’t miss my musical career. I fight to have time at the piano at home to practice, compose, prepare for an imaginary musical lifestyle of teaching and performing. But, I have no desire to seek performance opportunities or students.
In other words, I really want to teach and perform again as a career, but I don’t want to, either. One day I will see a friend perform and I will almost cry because I miss it. The next day I will see a friend perform and I will think “thank God that isn’t me.” Same with my teacher friends. They talk about their classroom and I am envious. They talk about their classroom and I am so glad it’s not me.
Right now, music is a hobby at best, but I yearn for it to be more. Or do I? Remember, this was my well-paying, full-time job for several years before moving with my wife. And since it was a career, I can’t get myself to “play for fun.” The music I learn takes hours of consistent practice every day; not a few minutes here and there when I have time for it. And why put all that time into it if my only audience is myself? (My wife is too busy to listen and my toddler hates it when I play as it takes focus from him.)
What is this type of back and forth behavior/attitude called?
(I can provide much more detail if desired, you had better believe it. My original post on this was over 2000 words, but I have shortened it to the above, instead.)