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Old 01-19-11, 08:36 PM   #1
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Surefire Ways to Get Fired

When the boss tells you to do something immediately, say 'I'll get right on that, right after I update my Facebook status!'
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Old 01-19-11, 08:51 PM   #2
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unless updating your facebook status was the thing he/she wanted you to do immediately, then you'd get a raise for being ahead of the game.
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Old 01-19-11, 08:58 PM   #3
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Send out a mass email of a pic of your genitals. (This may also get you dates and/or a sexual harassment case) Bonus!
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Old 01-19-11, 09:20 PM   #4
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Don't have an affair with the bosses wife.

I have an acquaintance who did.
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Old 01-19-11, 09:40 PM   #5
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Make brownies for all your cow orkers.
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Old 01-19-11, 09:42 PM   #6
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Make brownies for all your cow orkers.
Ouch! Good one
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Old 01-19-11, 09:45 PM   #7
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Make brownies for all your cow orkers.
How would that get someone fired? Heck, that's usually the leverage for seasonal temps to become permanent employees!
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Old 01-19-11, 09:51 PM   #8
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How would that get someone fired? Heck, that's usually the leverage for seasonal temps to become permanent employees!
These are special brownies.
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Old 01-19-11, 09:54 PM   #9
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These are special brownies.
AH, say no more...
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Old 01-19-11, 09:58 PM   #10
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Use the office copier to make copies of dollar bills and then use those to jam up all the snack machines in the lunch room.
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Old 01-19-11, 10:06 PM   #11
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Develop a spontaneous case of Tourettes...
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Old 01-19-11, 10:07 PM   #12
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Cook smelly, rotten fish in the lunchroom microwave.

Oh wait - I just wish that would get people fired.
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Old 01-19-11, 10:08 PM   #13
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Two words...

ass-less chaps
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Old 01-19-11, 10:21 PM   #14
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Two words...

ass-less chaps
but hilarious!

Make sure to inform everyone how you shouldn't have volunteered at the TB clinic over the weekend, then continously cough in their face while they are trying to talk to you.
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Old 01-19-11, 10:21 PM   #15
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Two words...

ass-less chaps
In Switzerland, wearing red undies could get you fired.

The Associated Press is reporting Swiss bankers may soon be allowed to wear red underwear and black nail polish. They may even be allowed to eat garlic.

Swiss banking giant UBS AG said Monday it is revising its 44-page dress code telling its Swiss staff how to present themselves, which generated worldwide ridicule for its micromanagement of their dressing and dining habits.

The code instructs employees on everything from their breath — no garlic or onions, please — to their underwear, which should be skin-colored.


I have no idea who they would appoint to do the underwear inspection every day to ensure employee compliance.
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Old 01-19-11, 10:23 PM   #16
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As someone with Irish / Scottish / Welsh/ German heritage, after a long ride in August, red undies could be skin-colored for me.

It still wouldn't be a good look, though.
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Old 01-19-11, 10:31 PM   #17
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Print out a copy of your resume on the office printer and change your duties to 'kissing a**, doing other people's jobs because they are too stupid to do them, surfing neferious websites, and wasting time' then leave it there.
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Old 01-19-11, 10:40 PM   #18
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MP - In my old job I had to write out a yearly self assessment of my accomplishments and skills and was thankful I had a supervisor that had a good sense of humour as one year I filed one that would have got some people fired... and she passed it up to the president of the agency who also had a good sense of humour.

It also got me promoted.
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Old 01-19-11, 10:48 PM   #19
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Found this one.

Update everyone in the office by e-mail whenever you do anything... bathroom breaks, coffee breaks, scratching the nether regions, every time you get to thinking about tapping that secretary down in accounting.

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Old 01-19-11, 10:49 PM   #20
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Park your bike in the bosses parking stall.
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Old 01-19-11, 11:24 PM   #21
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I've had coworkers get fired in the following ways:
  • Leaving their roach in the ashtray of the company van after delivering a job.
  • Taking beer breaks and offering beers to your coworker & a customer.
  • Having your mother call in sick for you stating that you're out of town on a family emergency, when you're really in the county jail facing charges of child molestation.
  • When the Regional Manager is visiting, print a copy of the business plan for the company you and a coworker are starting up that will directly compete with what you're currently doing for the company.
  • When your month-end sales almost are enough for a new record, ring in fake sales and charge them to a couple of your biggest corporate clients, close out the end of month, then credit them back the sales, thus starting the new month in the hole, only to repeat the cycle for the next 3-6 months until the corporate client's AP department notices that their billing history has strange activity.
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Old 01-20-11, 05:51 AM   #22
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Exchange the name plates of your bosses office and the employee restroom.
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Phobias are for irrational fears. Fear of junk ripping badgers is perfectly rational. Those things are nasty.
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Old 01-20-11, 08:03 AM   #23
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In my case, demanding a pic of my boss' wife in a too-tight French Maid outfit would likely do it -- especially if I specified "leaning over to clean the tub" as the pose.

Playing "Ricochet Kills 2" on the boss' desktop would do, as well.
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Old 01-20-11, 08:07 AM   #24
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Instead of candy put out a bowl of condoms and a note that says 'Hot B*tches Only'
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Old 01-20-11, 08:10 AM   #25
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Fix breakfast for the office...after everyone's eaten, say something like "Alpo was so much cheaper then sausage patties".
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