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Old 07-08-13, 05:32 PM   #1
apclassic9
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I need some words of advice!

My youngest son got married last June - we thought he was a bit young, but he's always been a determined kid. Anyway, he's 21 now, works as a driller 2 weeks away, one week home, and his wife is feeling ignored and 2nd rate to his job... So he showed up at the house Sunday with some clothes, his bikes, his gator. While both of us (hubby & I) feel that she'll get over it, and her parents sincerely WANT her to get over it, things are not heavenly right now. Any wise words of advice for either of them that I might pass along without getting between them?

Right now, they have an $800+/month mortgage on the farm they bought, a car loan for a new Tacoma (hers), a loan on a John Deere Gator, 5 alpacas, 8 chickens, 4 cows & a bull, 2 dogs, and her folks just bought the family homestead off her uncle so they (son& wife) could fix it up & live in it - it adjoins their farm, and would bring their acreage to over 250 acres. There's NO way he could get a local job which would even get near approaching their monthly loan payments... HELP! Anybody in Foo lived a life of continuous short term work related separations from your loved ones? Advice?
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Old 07-08-13, 05:50 PM   #2
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"and this too shall pass".....
Also, your marriage is what you make of it. If you want it to work, you'll find a way to make it work.
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Old 07-08-13, 06:02 PM   #3
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Old 07-08-13, 06:04 PM   #4
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Unfortunately none that have a "Take the garbage out" or "Fix the disposal" option.
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Old 07-08-13, 06:12 PM   #5
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Yes, I can understand the potential problem being a year into a marriage where your husband is away 2/3 of the time. Especially if maybe you want kids. As well, developing a lasting relationship (at this age) takes YEARS and she's looking down a tunnel with no light at the end, which is a common problem for folks that age, inability to see long term. Could be worse, he could be in the military and have to deploy on a ship for 6 mos. like my nephew.

On the other hand, his job is keeping them in the house and has her in a new car. So that's the reality check and she needs to think it through a bit about cause and effect. Yes, he can get a local job at half the pay, but goodby Tacoma and house and maybe a rental apartment.

My wife lived in Santa Fe, NM for 4-5 mos. a year for 10 years about 5 years into our marriage (after living together for 4 years), so a bit older at age 30 (to 40). Maybe that made it a bit easier as we had an established relationship by the time this job came along. As well, I could spend a week in May, then 6 weeks at the end of her work period with her in SF, but it always felt like things were on hold for a while, including a new house, etc... Eventually things change and that's the only advice to give, stick it out and hopefully things will get better. In truth, being a well (oil) driller is grueling work and he may not want to be doing it on 5 years, so change will come of it's own.

If there's a good reason they got married they might want to revisit those reasons.
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Old 07-08-13, 06:45 PM   #6
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good thoughts, Lightingguy. I'll be speaking to her on Wednesday after he goes back to work tomorrow... be chatting with him tonight. We, and his in-laws, are hoping for them both to "grow up", I guess.
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Old 07-08-13, 06:46 PM   #7
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A bunny was running across railway tracks to get to a field.
He looked both ways and saw a train approaching but was in a hurry so he darted across.
The train nipped off a piece of his tail and when he turned around to look at it, the next wheel took off his head.







Moral- Don't lose your head over a piece of tail.
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Old 07-09-13, 06:56 AM   #8
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I like you guys.
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Old 07-09-13, 07:23 AM   #9
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I think both of them need to realign their expectations a bit, until life becomes a bit more stable. Having said that, I'm a big believer in couples living together ... otherwise it becomes more of a long-distance relationship ... which are harder to make work. I would hope that the current situation is temporary for a couple of years, and that they are actively coming up with options to avoid working too far away from home. Not always easy, or possible, but they should be going through their options.

To me, my time spent with my wife (no we're not freakish about it) is too important ... with everything else following in importance.
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Old 07-09-13, 07:44 AM   #10
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Well, obviously, him living at your place will not make the problem of them not seeing enough of each other any better. Tell him to pack up and go back to his wife, immediately. I'd move his stuff back even if he's gone. He needs to know where his home is.

It's a hard time and they are young. But that can be good because they are pliable. Perhaps they could use a little counseling or pastoral counseling or even just parental counseling to help them realize the dynamics of the situation and how to cope with it. Sounds like they both need to get past their egos, which is not too surprising at that age.

I wish them the best of luck. As other posters have said, "This too shall pass." They both need to unlearn the teen-aged idea that what is now is forever. They need to learn to endure, and keep their eyes on the long term picture.

It does sound like they are stressing the situation further with all the loans. It really seems like that may be the core of the problem. They've been induced to take on too much debt. Reduce that if at all possible. It's a tremendous drag. Is being a farmer what they want to do?
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Old 07-09-13, 08:19 AM   #11
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Communications is PARAMOUNT in a marriage. Conflict and dispute resolution are not about being right, but being understood. I think they need to sit down and express their expectations to each other and take time to listen to each other and understand their spouses feelings. Perhaps having wiser, older counsel join them, in the shape of mom and dad on both sides would help.

Maybe get them to talk about what they expect that week at home to look like, as well as what the 2 weeks away looks like. Explore the option of the wife possibly traveling to some of the job sites if that is a option, maybe on the weekend bewteen the two weeks, so they never go more than one week apart? Does the husband need down time after being at work for two weeks and the wife need attention, entertainment, romance or simply househould assistance during the week at home that the husband is not willing to give? So many questions to ask before we can answer.

Does the husband call, send notes, etc? Do they know each others love language? If not, mabye they should both take this test ( http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ )and make sure they are loving their spouse in a way that the other interprets as loving. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Finally, if they are people of faith, I would suggest they contact their church or religious organization and investigate some sort of marital counseling. Actually, I think this should be the first step, but that is just my opinion.
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Old 07-09-13, 12:05 PM   #12
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I, much like you @apclassic9, consider that age to be WAY too young to get married. I'm 30 and going into my first [and hopefully last] marriage in August...we lived together two years (dated longer than that) before deciding TOGETHER (i.e., none of that pop-the-question, put-her-on-the-spot stuff) to get married. I have changed so much in the last decade, and am so glad I never married my high school girlfriend, or any of the girlfriends since...in the past few years, I've finally come to terms with my own wants and long-term goals, so believe me, inviting anyone in to change that was difficult enough on its own.

Luckily, the woman I met is smart, funny, kind-hearted, and as luck would have it, most of our long-term goals align without much extra effort. I consider what we have to be very fortuitous, and I try not to make the mistake of placing her on a pedestal, as I ask the same of her regarding me. She works almost two hours away across the state line, and so we're apart a good bit during the week (Sunday is our only complete day together). The most vital component to our success thus far is good communication (props to @jsharr) regarding everything...from agreeing on what's for dinner, to how we'd prefer our living/working situations to be vs. the realities of said situations. We've thrown away most of our preconceived notions about relationships going into it, and have tried (and succeeded) in keeping things respectful.

Our wedding will have no ceremony/no reception, and there won't be a honeymoon until sometime next year since we both have a lot of debt to pay down, but since we have communicated our feelings on this and come to a respectful agreement, it's really not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Being in so much debt that early on puts major weight on a relationship (based on expectations vs. reality), so heed the advice of @Artkansas...try to get them to come back to reality, and as tough as it may seem at that age, put their feelings aside in favor of facing the logical reality before them...if they have debt going into it, try to work with them to either ease down that debt or help them develop a plan to lessen their own self-imposed burdens.

Honestly, everyone I've ever known who's gotten married in their early 20's has gotten divorced, but that's not to say your son's marriage is a lost cause. Talk to him about communicating clearly with his wife, as well as managing/shrinking all of that debt + those animals and possessions. Talk to the daughter-in-law about the debts + possessions, but also remind her that part of the reason your son works insane hours is because he's making a sacrifice for both of them, to be able to have all these things. Afterwards, invite them to talk to one another about finding a middle ground, and encourage them both to keep things respectful and to not raise their voices/slam doors/walk away/go to bed angry, if at all possible. All of that raw emotion usually ends up breeding mistrust and resentment. Remind them that the balance in a relationship can be delicate at first, but strengthens over time with a little work and vigilance, and a lot of respect.

I wish them (and the rest of your families) all the best.
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Old 07-09-13, 02:26 PM   #13
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First, sorry to hear they're having problems. And of course, I do hope they can work them out.

You've got some great suggestions here already. I'll just add this -

While we're all attributing the split to their youthful inexperience, and saying they need to just weather the storm, it also could be that your DiL is just not cut out for the amount of career separation required to financially maintain the lifestyle she wants. Not everyone is strong enough to make that kind of commitment and sacrifice - as mentioned, people in the military deal with far longer (and probably more stressful) separations. Maybe she is not built of that sort of stern stuff. If that is the case, and they cannot reconcile, better that they discover this now, while they are young - and only have some revolving debt and farm animals to worry about. If they were together longer and had children that would be a different story.

Again, I hope they can take a deep breath and work things out. But if not, maybe you can consider it a blessing in disguise that they are young enough to start over and be happy with someone else.
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Old 07-09-13, 04:09 PM   #14
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Thanks, folks! I have some good stuff to pass along to them!
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