Bike Forums

Bike Forums (http://www.bikeforums.net/forum.php)
-   Foo (http://www.bikeforums.net/foo/)
-   -   Do you do Number 2 at work? (http://www.bikeforums.net/foo/922348-do-you-do-number-2-work.html)

skijor 11-15-13 12:13 PM

You haven't lived till you've pooped in boot camp. No stalls, no walls....pooping out in the open with strangers all around. Pooping at work having to have pristine, quiet, secluded conditions?...
https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/492563200/h0DF15AE5/

bigbenaugust 11-15-13 12:25 PM

Yup. In fact... I'll be back in a bit.

skijor 11-15-13 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbenaugust (Post 16249492)
Yup. In fact... I'll be back in a bit.

Good luck, and have fun stormin' da castle.

ModoVincere 11-15-13 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skijor (Post 16249453)
You haven't lived till you've pooped in boot camp. No stalls, no walls....pooping out in the open with strangers all around. Pooping at work having to have pristine, quiet, secluded conditions?...
https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/492563200/h0DF15AE5/

submarines are even more fun....especially if you quick flush when they blow the ballast. :eek:

skijor 11-15-13 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbenaugust (Post 16249492)
Yup. In fact... I'll be back in a bit.

We're timing you.

bigbenaugust 11-15-13 01:13 PM

Yeah, i got back and had to work, go fig. :)

no motor? 11-15-13 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbenaugust (Post 16249673)
Yeah, i got back and had to work, go fig. :)

We're glad you didn't take the laptop in there with you.

MillCreek 11-15-13 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by no motor? (Post 16249735)
We're glad you didn't take the laptop in there with you.

Is it wrong to take the smartphone and check your email and the stock market? I am a busy man, so I need to multi-task!

mrodgers 11-15-13 01:52 PM

Messed up. I said never and should have said only in emergency situations. I go after my bowl of cheerios and right before the shower at home. Since I don't have a schedule and can have all the OT I want, I had the thought of getting into work earlier on the clock, getting equipment running, then going to do the duty on work time but I didn't because.....

Quote:

Originally Posted by contango (Post 16249422)
If I block the bowl I don't have to deal with it (and indeed in every office I've ever worked there was nothing provided for dealing with such things).

..... Everyone else will keep using it in this situation. I've seen it many times over 18 years here. Worst one was piled up literally at least 6 to 8 inches above the seat! People in here are absolutely disgusting!

Some folks, in fact where I work most folks, go by the old saying, "Never work on company time and never poop on your own." Not I. I'll do it in the luxury of my own clean bathroom and not where someone who hasn't showered in the last month goes.

So on that note, just about every male majority forum I am on eventually starts this thread. I present to you the Poop at Work Bathroom Etiquette Survival Guide....


  • How to Poop at Work

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

    CROP DUSTING
    When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

    FLY BY
    The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE
    A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK
    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH
    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME
    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
    A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS
    A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR
    Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH
    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

    SHIRLEY TEMPLE
    A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON
    A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA-OMELET
    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

    AUNT BETTY
    A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever... Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!

    SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF
    The King Poop: This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

    Bali Belly Poop: You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

    Cement Block: You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

    Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop): Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

    The Bungee Poop: The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

    The Crippler: The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

    The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

    The Party Pooper: The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

no motor? 11-15-13 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MillCreek (Post 16249743)
Is it wrong to take the smartphone and check your email and the stock market? I am a busy man, so I need to multi-task!

You did put your phone away before you wiped, didn't you?

jsharr 11-15-13 02:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by no motor? (Post 16249839)
You did put your phone away before you wiped, didn't you?

I can just see SWMBO asking MillCreek, "what is that **** all over your phone screen?" later tonight.....

eja_ bottecchia 11-15-13 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jsharr (Post 16249008)
when you gotta go, you gotta go.

[video=youtube;TUPVtnIFkBU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUPVtnIFkBU[/video]

Love this scene...

Big_e 11-15-13 03:21 PM

Every chance I get, just think of the money I save. The warm bathrooms in the basement are most comodius to my needs.

bigbenaugust 11-15-13 03:23 PM

At Stanford, in Sweet Hall, it was the 4th floor... one toilet per room, both unisex. Great for changing in and out of cycling clothes and quiet poopin'.
Here, there is a shower/bathroom in the basement. Very nice.

jsharr 11-15-13 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbenaugust (Post 16250049)
At Stanford, in Sweet Hall, it was the 4th floor... one toilet per room, both unisex. Great for changing in and out of cycling clothes and quiet poopin'.
Here, there is a shower/bathroom in the basement. Very nice.

That is bit far away for you now. Might have to fly.

bigbenaugust 11-15-13 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jsharr (Post 16250080)
That is bit far away for you now. Might have to fly.

I also mentioned the bathroom/shower in the basement in my current building. One toilet, one shower, one lock.

jsharr 11-15-13 03:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbenaugust (Post 16250092)
I also mentioned the bathroom/shower in the basement in my current building. One toilet, one shower, one lock.


Hey I am not smart. Could you please type slower?

ahsposo 11-15-13 07:02 PM

I think the real question is: Do you do #3 at work?

ahsposo 11-15-13 07:04 PM

How do I make a distinction between a 'number' and a 'hashtag' in today's digital environment?

Add that to yer poll...

sotramk 11-16-13 11:02 AM

What a crappy thread.......;)

skijor 11-16-13 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ahsposo (Post 16250574)
How do I make a distinction between a 'number' and a 'hashtag' in today's digital environment?

Add that to yer poll...

Ask Dr. DRE.

Wordbiker 11-16-13 04:16 PM

You haven't lived until you've used a jobsite port-a-potty in 30 below.

C Law 11-16-13 04:24 PM

I'll take a shatner at work if I have no other options. But, only a complete sociopath would plan on taking dumps at work.

rebel1916 11-17-13 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by C Law (Post 16252254)
I'll take a shatner at work if I have no other options. But, only a complete sociopath would plan on taking dumps at work.

Sergeant told me my first day on the job. "If you are working an OT shift, make sure you poop. Nothing is better than pooping at time and a half." He also told me "If you are ever resting your eyes and sense a command presence, before opening them cross yourself and say an In the Name of the Father." He is a very wise man.

Wulf 11-17-13 09:42 PM

I was in a hospital a few years ago and one of the medical aids/nurse assistants; a young guy from the Philipenes, asked if I had 'made a poopoo. Not having used that word in like forever, I replied that I had not made a poopoo in 50 years, however I took a bloody great dump an hour before.


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:01 PM.