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Old 03-22-14, 01:40 AM   #1
RubenX 
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Going through some tough times

I don't remember if I posted some info before. I'm visiting my mom and taking care of a few things. Drama among Rube-Siblings is like the drama I used to have with my ex's, multiplied by a gazillion.

I don't want to make a long post so I'm just gonna ask, how would you feel if you went to visit your 82yo mom and found:

1) No food in the kitchen.
2) No basic kitchen equipment.
3) ONE tablespoon as the sole utensil.
4) Four sets of pajamas as the entire wardrobe. (old dirty and full of holes)
5) Empty bank accounts (there's supposed to be around 2.5k every month after the bills)
6) No toilet paper.
7) ONE plastic cup.
8) A broken bed.
9) A stove where only one burner works.
10) half the drain pipes purposely clogged with concrete.
11) A mother that starts shaking every time she hears the front gate being open, and says "I wanna hide, I wanna hide".

...and I could keep on going... lotsa stuff I have to fix over here. I've been away for WAY too long.
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Old 03-22-14, 01:52 AM   #2
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WOW.... elder abuse much? How is your family NOT in jail for this? b By the time you got to 5 every relevant red flag was raised and BURNING from over use, but #11 ?????
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Old 03-22-14, 04:16 AM   #3
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Without knowing all the surrounding details, it sounds like you should take a lot of photos before you fix anything. Then, maybe you could go to court to prosecute anyone who was supposed to be taking care, anyone with access to the bank account, etc. Then, maybe you could get yourself, or someone else appointed as a guardian to make better decisions on her behalf. If someone is abusing her or not acting in her best interests, a restraining order might be issued to keep them away from her (at least).

I would take a lot of photos, bring them to a lawyer who specializes in elderly or guardian issues/cases, and go from there, and not stop until safeguards were in place to stop things from drifting to the same place after you leave. If you fix the evident problems and leave again, without removing the causes, it seems sure to get bad again.

Even if you can't stay there long, getting a lawyer on the case could take care of everything, even after you leave.
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Old 03-22-14, 04:53 AM   #4
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That's pretty horrifying.

I hope you can get things sorted out. Praying for some good energy to go your way.
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Old 03-22-14, 05:21 AM   #5
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Are there elder abuse services available in that area? I know there are resources out there; no idea how effective they are; but they may be able to point you in the right direction.

That's the kind of situation where if it was my mom, it's better off that I don't own a gun, because I'd be tempted to be sitting in the hallway, in front of the front door of the house, with a gun, waiting for a "caregiver" to step in...

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Old 03-22-14, 05:22 AM   #6
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Might consider moving her to an assisted living facility if it's affordable for her. Unless you're in the position to relocate, or relocate her to where you live, it doesn't sound like the family living near her are doing a good job (that's not an easy job btw).

Ultimately, it's going to be up to you to sort things and find a good living situation for her. It'll probably get ugly, and clearly the present caregivers need to lose power of attorney over her finances and such.
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Old 03-22-14, 08:11 AM   #7
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That's depressing. Do what you got to do and help her out. God bless you both.
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Old 03-22-14, 08:29 AM   #8
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Man, that's horrifying.
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Old 03-22-14, 09:10 AM   #9
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That's pretty horrifying.

I hope you can get things sorted out. Praying for some good energy to go your way.
Yeah, you both deserve better.
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Old 03-22-14, 09:14 AM   #10
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The caregivers excuses are getting more and more absurd every day. For #1 , #2 , #3 (food, kitchen equipment, utensils) they said "what for? she doesn't need those, she shouldn't be cooking anyway". About the ONE plastic cup: "She lives alone, ONE cup should be enough. She just has to clean it every time she uses it.".

Mother has some blood pressure meds. I recognize the pills, they are the same ones my ex wife #3 uses. I remembered that my ex's doc always said NOT to take the meds every day like candy, unless it was actually needed. Doc always said to keep track of the blood-pressure readings. I looked around the whole house and I couldn't find any equipment to read the blood pressure. I called her doc and he said confirmed "No, DO NOT give them all the pills every day! That's just gonna cause liver damage. I prescribed her a meter, is it not there?". I suspect the meter ended up in a pawnshop somewhere, if it was ever bought.

I have a pics folder, appropriately named "house of horrors". It already houses over 500 pics and counting. And it's being backed up to google drive, skydrive, to my own PC up in Arkansas and a trusted friend's PC in Florida. Next to the each sets of pics, my very detailed documentation. With the same level of detail that I used when drafting outage incident reports for FeDex, ATT and all the other picky people I've worked for. I'm also recording brief video blogs daily with a summary of what happened during the day. I came here with a schedule of 2 weeks to fix some things. But I've been here a month already and I'm NOT LEAVING until I'm sure that everything is fixed, and protections are in place.

In the meantime, I'll keep documenting.
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Old 03-22-14, 09:20 AM   #11
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Don't know what to say except go with the legal options mentioned and get your Mom out of there and very very close to you. She needs to start feeling safe. Oh - just read your last post - good job, keep it up. There should be some restitution to the loss of the funds also. Who are these people that do this?
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Old 03-22-14, 09:21 AM   #12
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To answer your question, I think any rational person would be seriously pissed-off, appalled and saddened in roughly equal doses. In particular, why is your mom terrified of visitors? Whatever caused that needs to be tops on your list, methinks. Good luck and I hope you have the energy and perseverance to make this right.
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Old 03-22-14, 09:25 AM   #13
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The shower



Handrail is too small and inadequate. The holder for the shower head was never installed, so you need to hold it with one hand at all times. Given that you also need a hand for the soap, how was mum expected to use the handrail? Grow a 3rd hand? Not to mention the soap holder.. I mean... come on!

The TV



An old 13 inch CRT. Mom can't really see the picture, is too small. She just listen to the audio. On the bank account, it seems a 52 inch plasma was bought with mom's ATM. It never made it here tho.

The outlets & switches



Over half of them have no covers. Exposed wires are found all over the place. Well, I already fix most of them... each cover is only 25 freaking cents. Geez!
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Old 03-22-14, 09:38 AM   #14
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There should be some restitution to the loss of the funds also. Who are these people that do this?
This is my own older siblings I'm dealing with. One already came in, claiming to have rights to the inheritance and so forth. "Mom is not dead yet" was my reply. Besides, there's not much left for anybody to inherit. The fact that is my siblings, makes it emotionally heavy to deal with. Another conversation with a different sibling, about mom's lack of basic kitchen equipment, ended up with my sibling saying "Mom needs to learn to stop loosing the kitchen utensils. Old folks are like little kids you know... you have to slap them every once in a while to keep them in check and obedient".

Thanks God I left my guns back in Arkansas.
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Old 03-22-14, 09:46 AM   #15
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Damn, dude. I've got so much I'd like to say, but some of them would likely result in criminal charges for one or both of us.

Does she have a guardian? If she does, my one suggestion may be a bit tricky- have your mom open up a new bank account and redirect any/all direct deposits. Someone apparently has been living the good life at your mother's expense and that needs to stop PRONTO.
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Old 03-22-14, 10:41 AM   #16
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Any chance she could come to Arkansas to live with you? Sounds like any fixes you make will disappear to your siblings after you leave again.
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Old 03-22-14, 11:28 AM   #17
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I would find myself as an only child if my siblings abused my mother like this.

You need to get a lawyer on this and get in front of a judge as soon as possible to get a protection order and guardianship / power of attorney.

You mom needs to be taken care of and protected from these leeches you call family.

We don't have a lot but if you need some extra cash to get basic things for your mom just send me your Paypal information (if you have an account).

If you can't stay long enough and be sure protections are in place, take your mom home with you... after you get a court order.

If I lived closer I'd make a special road trip to help you with whatever was needed.
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Old 03-22-14, 11:57 AM   #18
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Agree on all that's been said. Criminals have it far better. Glad you're there to help her Ruben. You've certainly accumulated enough evidence. It's time for legal action....social services, lawyers, etc. She deserves a better life.
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Old 03-22-14, 12:26 PM   #19
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There has got to be a dept of health and human services there..... Call the local Police Dept for a referral.
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Old 03-22-14, 04:00 PM   #20
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I would file a report with the police and at least take charge of her bank account. You've documented the situation pretty well so I wouldn't think it would be too difficult to get temporary guardianship over her estate until things get worked out.
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Old 03-24-14, 11:12 AM   #21
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Thankfully not a possibility with my mom, several times over.

I'm the closest and it is a shortish bike ride, one heck of a long walk. Sister is a bit farther abut closer then most peoples commutes. Only my brother lives 'far' away, as in an hour and a half drive.

And if we all died she has friends.

I hope this works out. And I hope you manage to nail the caregiver in all ways legal.
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Old 03-24-14, 12:04 PM   #22
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Thanks God I left my guns back in Arkansas.
I'm in Arkansas... and I'm up for a road trip...

My vote is for legally nailing whoever did this to the wall.
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Old 03-24-14, 12:07 PM   #23
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Rube...if I went to visit my Dad and found him in that condition, I'd be in jail by the end of the night and my "family" in the area would be in the hospital.
I guess I'd have to call my wife to come take care of him till they can bail me out.
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Old 03-24-14, 12:17 PM   #24
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Ruben - so sorry for your mother, just so very sorry.

This is tough to say but she belongs in a care facility not in a home where she cannot care for herself and she is at the mercy of vultures. Most states have strict elder abuse laws. Wanderer made a good suggestion - even if this involves family you need to report the abuse. There should be local/state agencies that can assist you in dealing with Mom. Don't delay any further... act now. You get your greedy siblings are only thinking about the money they when she dies, and apparently she can't die fast enough for them. Think about that...
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Old 03-24-14, 12:19 PM   #25
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I smelled a nasty stench coming from the side of the house. I went to investigate. There's a pipe that acts as drain for the kitchen sink. It had a hole AND it was clogged after the hole. So everything sent down that pipe was just getting dump on the side of the house. And from the amount of food scraps I estimated it's been like that for a few months.

The explanation was "We knew about this but there was no money to fix it". But but... it's a PVC pipe! $1.35 for the pipe, $2.00 for the glue, $3.00 for a cheap handsaw...

I just fixed it... and facepalm'd
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