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Old 11-02-08, 03:53 PM   #1
BarracksSi
Bike ≠ Car ≠ Ped.
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Funny Craigslist ad

Already flagged it for "Best Of" status:

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/d...902959099.html

Quote:
This ain't no fun-size mountain bike. Macho man, macha woman?

This is a rugged bike for a rough-riding son (or daughter) of a gun. If Teddy Roosevelt were alive today he wouldn't ride anything less than this Trek 4000 mountain bike. Charge San Juan Hill on a horse?! Phfft.

Heck, if mountain bikes were around back in the day, Steve McQueen would have been riding this steamrolling 24-speed Trek instead of some sissy Triumph motorcycle.

Fortunately the Amazon warriors didn't have access to this puppy. If they did, we would all be speaking Amazonian right now.

This is a big, bad 22 inch frame. Sorry, if you are under 6 feet tall, no need to apply unless you've got some seriously long tree stumps you are stomping around on. I myself am considering surgery to lengthen my shins so I can ride such a fabulous machine someday. Sadly, I am restricted to lesser wheels.

The Alpha (as in Alpha freakin' dog!) Custom Aluminum frame measures 22 inches from the center of the rock hard crank to the top tube with 33 inch standover height. (Your inseam should be approximately 33 inches to ride this bike comfortably.) The tough as nails frame is finished in blood red paint that will obscure the gory results of your deeds of derring-do.

American craftsmen forged the beastly heart of this bike and finished it off with Swiss-watch precise Shimano components. For those who don't know, Shimano translates as "bad ass" from Japanese. Out front leading the way is a Rock Shox fork to take on the nastiest of bumps and jumps: you could jump off a cliff with this bad boy! (results may vary) Not that you would really need to soften things up with a shock, but it is a Rock Shox after all. Bontrager tires grab your way through the muck and mud.

Or, you could just take the tires off the rims because anything less than riding straight metal to pavement is a bit twee. I am a little embarrassed to admit that the bike comes with a comfortable seat, but I can help you take that off since sitting down while you ride is pretty lame.

I am only asking $340 for this bike because I know anyone who is truly hardcore isn't going to succumb to some well-paying, suit-requiring, boss-butt-kissing job. If you don't have US currency, you can pay me with an equivalent value in gravel, iron spikes, or rough grit sandpaper.
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Old 11-02-08, 07:47 PM   #2
dekindy
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Sorry, this one has it beat. My buddy sent this to me yesterday.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/765370039.html

email this posting to a friend best of craigslist > SF bay area > Manly Bike for Sale
Originally Posted: Tue, 22 Jul 10:18 PDT

Manly Bike for Sale

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2008-07-22, 10:18AM PDT



Bike for sale


What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "**** YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".



The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy **** so I said no way.



The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.



The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some **** and not shaped like a *****. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything.



I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:


Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.


Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't **** around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey *******, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".


Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices)



it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 765370039

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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Old 11-02-08, 09:14 PM   #3
BarracksSi
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I remember that one; it's pretty friggin' good. The one I posted is brand-new today, and a much-needed relief from the garbage that usually gets posted.
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Old 11-03-08, 09:06 AM   #4
Jude
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So awesome.

Edit: I'm a senior member? I have like 20 posts.
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Old 11-03-08, 06:48 PM   #5
roadnoob412
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OMG, dekindy - I nearly gagged and fell out of my seat laughing on that one. That was some funny stuff....thank you!!
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Old 11-03-08, 08:26 PM   #6
C_Heath
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That is freaking awesome~! SOOOOOO funny!
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