I just finished this "Process Paper" for my Eng 101 class, thought I would share it... wasn't sure where to post it so everyone here gets stuck reading it
How To Get Bitten By A Dog While Riding A Bike Up A Hill
Training as a competitive cyclist is a highly structured but somewhat routine and monotonous regimen. In order to add variety to the daily workout I continually strive to add adventure.
Inflate the bicycle tires, fill both water bottles and place them into their holders on the bicycle. Select the brightest and most conspicuous cycling attire to attract the attention and interest of every four-legged critter along the roadway. Ferry the bicycle outside and ride to rendezvous with the training group. Choose the toughest, most grueling route following the most isolated and desolate country roads to maximize the chances of encountering some of the largest unleashed anti-social canines in the county. Trek with the group for the training ride.
Take the lead position within the group, initiate sprints to selected road and town-limit signs as well as attack at the slightest perceived provocation to ensure a maximum level of exhaustion and fatigue for the impending encounters with the quickest and craftiest dogs in the sticks. Follow the prescribed route, deviating only when a steeper climb or even more desolate road appears.
Proceed to the steepest, longest and most grueling climb only when the sun is at its highest and the temperature approaches 100 degrees. Notice the ninety pound German Sheppard guarding his domain on the left side of the road, fifty yards away and at the point on the climb where the incline increases to fourteen percent thereby confirming the intelligence of this product of fine German breeding to know when cyclists are most fatigued and vulnerable. Confirm that the Sheppard is indeed off his chain and move to the extreme left of the cycling group to ensure being the closest, easiest and most desirable target for this teeth-gnashing, licking-his-lips-in-anticipation beast. Disregard the rules which have been passed down from previous generations of experienced cyclist concerning never turning ones back to an advancing dog or when it is not possible to out sprint the dog to stop and get off the bike keeping the bike between the rider and the dog. Believe the snarling beast’s owner in the yard as she yells “oh he doesn’t bite.” Ignore common sense as well as the instinct for self preservation and continue riding at the pace of a turtle on a double-espresso up the hill, a pace in which there is not even the slightest possibility to ride faster even than the beast can trot. Feel rewarded knowing, as the teeth of the hairy beast shreds through the brand new pair of cycling shorts and consequently attacks the tender skin of the rump, that the dog can rest easily for the rest of his day secure in the knowledge that he performed his duty commendably and can chalk yet another interloper foiled to his list of victories.
Following this routine will ensure an anecdote on which to embellish upon each time it is told, culminating in tales of how Sasquatch leapt out of the woods to attack only to be out sprinted at 40 miles an hour, uphill, into a headwind, in the snow….. but not before taking a colossal hunk of flesh from my butt.