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  1. #1
    Crispy Member ahsposo's Avatar
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    The Marriage Joke Thread

    An older man was married to a younger woman.

    After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

    He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

    One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living.

    So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

    She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
    Quote Originally Posted by toddles View Post
    If I gotta look up words, it's not worth my time.

  2. #2
    Crispy Member ahsposo's Avatar
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    A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

    At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

    "I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

    "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

    "'Good", she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

    After a moment of silence, he farted.
    Quote Originally Posted by toddles View Post
    If I gotta look up words, it's not worth my time.

  3. #3
    Crispy Member ahsposo's Avatar
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    Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

    A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
    Quote Originally Posted by toddles View Post
    If I gotta look up words, it's not worth my time.

  4. #4
    Crispy Member ahsposo's Avatar
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    Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers?

    A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
    Quote Originally Posted by toddles View Post
    If I gotta look up words, it's not worth my time.

  5. #5
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    Statistically, husbands die before their wives. When asked why the difference, that statistician determined it was because married men would rather die than be married one more day.

  6. #6
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    If a husband speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?

  7. #7
    Crispy Member ahsposo's Avatar
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    George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas.

    When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly.

    George brushed her off.

    Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

    "Harriet, she's a prostitute."

    "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

    "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

    In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217.

    "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

    Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

    George asked, "How much do you charge?"

    "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback.

    "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price!"

    "Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

    After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom.

    She said, "I just can't believe it!"

    George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

    At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
    Quote Originally Posted by toddles View Post
    If I gotta look up words, it's not worth my time.

  8. #8
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    ^^^^^^ Very, very good joke.


    It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

  9. #9
    Crispy Member ahsposo's Avatar
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    Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?"

    She says, "Anything you want."

    He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?"

    She says, "But I thought you hated Larry."

    With his last breath, he says, "I do."
    Quote Originally Posted by toddles View Post
    If I gotta look up words, it's not worth my time.

  10. #10
    Squirrelly Member trsidn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jon c. View Post
    If a husband speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?
    duh... of course.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    Yet more proof that I'm.. well, pretty much right about everything.

  11. #11
    Crispy Member ahsposo's Avatar
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    Before And After Marriage

    Before - You take my breath away. After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

    Before - Twice a night. After - Twice a month.

    Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation. After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

    Before - Ricky and Lucy. After - Fred & Ethel.

    Before - Saturday Night Live. After - Monday Night Football.

    Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars. After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

    Before - Don't Stop. After - Don't Start.

    Before - Is that all you are eating? After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

    Before - Wheel of Fortune. After - Jeopardy.

    Before - It's like living a dream. After - It's a nightmare.

    Before - Turbocharged. After - Needs a jump-start.

    Before - We agree on everything! After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

    Before - Victoria's Secret. After - Fruit of the Loom.

    Before - Feathers and handcuffs. After - Ball and chain.

    Before - Idol. After - Idle.

    Before - He's lost without me. After - Why can't he ask for directions?

    Before - When together, time stands still. After - This relationship is going nowhere.

    Before - Croissant and cappuccino. After - Bagels and instant coffee.

    Before - Oysters. After - Fishsticks.

    Before - I can hardly believe we found each other. After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?
    Quote Originally Posted by toddles View Post
    If I gotta look up words, it's not worth my time.

  12. #12
    Crispy Member ahsposo's Avatar
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    An old guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his hot young blonde wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing nothing but a red G-string, 7 inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

    "What happened here?"

    "I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

    Just then a naked guy with a hardon floats by.

    "Who's that?" demands the husband.

    "I dunno, might be a life guard."
    Quote Originally Posted by toddles View Post
    If I gotta look up words, it's not worth my time.

  13. #13
    Crispy Member ahsposo's Avatar
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    The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

    When the extensive examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English, what is wrong with me?"

    "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy."

    "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
    Quote Originally Posted by toddles View Post
    If I gotta look up words, it's not worth my time.

  14. #14
    Crispy Member ahsposo's Avatar
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    Q: What's the definition of irreconcilable differences?

    A: When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.
    Quote Originally Posted by toddles View Post
    If I gotta look up words, it's not worth my time.

  15. #15
    Crispy Member ahsposo's Avatar
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    "I saw you downtown this afternoon while I was shopping," the wife confronted her husband.

    "I saw you go into a motel room with that beautiful, stacked, young redhead. I want an explanation, and I want the truth!"

    "Well, make up your mind," he said. "Which do you want?"
    Quote Originally Posted by toddles View Post
    If I gotta look up words, it's not worth my time.

  16. #16
    Small Member maddmaxx's Avatar
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    Marriage is only a laughing matter to lawyers.

  17. #17
    Crispy Member ahsposo's Avatar
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    A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word.

    An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would reconcile.

    As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

    "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."
    Quote Originally Posted by toddles View Post
    If I gotta look up words, it's not worth my time.

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