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Old 03-21-14, 04:10 PM   #1
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The Marriage Joke Thread

An older man was married to a younger woman.

After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living.

So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
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Old 06-13-14, 11:15 PM   #2
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A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.
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Old 07-06-14, 04:17 PM   #3
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Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
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Old 07-06-14, 04:18 PM   #4
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Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers?

A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
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Old 07-21-14, 06:41 PM   #5
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Statistically, husbands die before their wives. When asked why the difference, that statistician determined it was because married men would rather die than be married one more day.
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Old 07-21-14, 07:10 PM   #6
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If a husband speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?
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Old 07-22-14, 08:50 PM   #7
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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas.

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly.

George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback.

"$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price!"

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom.

She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
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Old 07-24-14, 08:57 AM   #8
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^^^^^^ Very, very good joke.


It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
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Old 07-27-14, 08:55 AM   #9
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Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?"

She says, "Anything you want."

He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?"

She says, "But I thought you hated Larry."

With his last breath, he says, "I do."
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Old 07-30-14, 10:02 AM   #10
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Quote:
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If a husband speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?
duh... of course.
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.... Other than being completely wrong, you're correct.
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Old 08-05-14, 06:51 PM   #11
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Before And After Marriage

Before - You take my breath away. After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night. After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation. After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky and Lucy. After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live. After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars. After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop. After - Don't Start.

Before - Is that all you are eating? After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune. After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream. After - It's a nightmare.

Before - Turbocharged. After - Needs a jump-start.

Before - We agree on everything! After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret. After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers and handcuffs. After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol. After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me. After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still. After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino. After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters. After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other. After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?
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Old 08-08-14, 07:28 PM   #12
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An old guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his hot young blonde wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing nothing but a red G-string, 7 inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?"

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a naked guy with a hardon floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno, might be a life guard."
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Old 08-15-14, 02:12 AM   #13
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The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the extensive examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English, what is wrong with me?"

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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Old 08-28-14, 07:31 PM   #14
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Q: What's the definition of irreconcilable differences?

A: When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.
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Old 09-17-14, 07:29 PM   #15
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"I saw you downtown this afternoon while I was shopping," the wife confronted her husband.

"I saw you go into a motel room with that beautiful, stacked, young redhead. I want an explanation, and I want the truth!"

"Well, make up your mind," he said. "Which do you want?"
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Old 09-18-14, 11:37 AM   #16
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Marriage is only a laughing matter to lawyers.
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Old 09-23-14, 05:07 PM   #17
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A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would reconcile.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."
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Old 10-12-14, 09:56 AM   #18
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
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Old 10-17-14, 03:22 PM   #19
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Kevin says to Jim, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm will do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Maggie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Maggie got pregnant again!"
Jim says: "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Kevin says: "This year, I'm taking Maggie with me!"

I found this here: Vacation - suchjoke
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Old 01-19-15, 08:20 PM   #20
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Husband: "Want a quickie?"

Wife: "As opposed to what?"
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Old 01-19-15, 08:49 PM   #21
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God told all men that there would be good, obedient wives at all corners of the earth.
Then he made the earth round and laughed and laughed.
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Old 04-28-15, 07:43 PM   #22
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My wife made me pack my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"
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Old 05-06-15, 10:33 AM   #23
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A husband and wife were driving home one day, when he accidentally hit and injured a skunk.
The wife ran to the skunk and brought it back into the car.
"He's injured,"she said."We need to take it to a vet."
The skunk was shivering, so she said "He's cold."
The husband said"Warm him up-put him between your thighs."
"But, it stinks," the wife said.
The husband replied "So, hold it's nose!"
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Old 05-11-15, 01:15 PM   #24
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from the Uxbridge dictionary alspcs.com

Matrimony ... How much a wedding Costs..
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Old 05-12-15, 07:12 PM   #25
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A golf/marriage joke:

A man and his wife are playing a round of golf. On one hole, the man tees off and slices his drive to the right and into the trees. At first he can't locate his ball but then he sees a storage shed with the door partially open. Sure enough, he finds his ball inside, on the dirt floor in the middle of the shed. Soon his wife comes by and says, "How are you going to play that?" The man replies, "I'm just going to drop the ball outside here, and take a penalty stroke." Then his wife has an idea. She says, "It looks to me like if I stand here and hold the door open, you have a straight shot back to the fairway and you could avoid a penalty stroke." He decides to try it. She peeks around the edge of the door as she holds it open, he swings at the ball and makes solid contact. Unfortunately, the ball strikes his wife right between the eyes and kills her on the spot.

Five years later, the man is playing golf with his new wife. Same golf course, same hole. Again, he slices his drive to the right and into the trees. Again, he can't locate his ball but soon finds it inside the very same storage shed. His new wife arrives and asks, "How are you going to play that?" The man replies, "I'm just going to drop the ball outside here, and take a penalty stroke." "Wait a minute", says the new wife. "It looks to me like if I stand here and hold the door open, you have a straight shot back to the fairway and you could avoid a penalty stroke." The man looks down and sadly shakes his head. "No", he says, "There's no way I could do that. No way. The last time I tried that...I took a triple bogey on this hole!"
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