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Thread: Scottish Jokes!

  1. #1
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    Scottish Jokes!

    Here are some jokes from Scotland,

    A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
    Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
    The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
    Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
    Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
    The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
    Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
    After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
    on your leg."
    The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
    "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
    "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
    "Aye," said the lad, nodding.
    The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
    Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
    three pennies?"
    A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
    So he says; "What's all this about?"
    She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
    To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
    "Your name never came up." She replies.
    A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
    The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatβs full Oβ coos Sharn'
    (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
    The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
    The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
    The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
    The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
    The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"
    Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?
    Tourist: " I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip."
    Highland Waiter: " Let me add up that bill again sir."
    Dad: " Did you use the car last night ? "
    Little Sandy: " Yes, Dad. I took some of the boys for a ride."
    Dad: " Well, tell them I found two of their lipsticks."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
    Sandy: " Will you marry me ? "
    Girlfriend: " No, but I'll always admire your good taste. "

    A woman and a man from Aberdeen were stranded on a desert island after a shipwreck. Their clothes were in rags and their food running out.
    ‘I suppose it could always be worse,’ said the woman. ‘Oh, aye, it could,’ agreed the Aberdonian. ‘I might have bought a return ticket.’


  2. #2
    All Seeing Member ahsposo's Avatar
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    A young man walks into the library in Glascow and asks the librarian "Would you be havin' any bukes about suicide?"

    She answers "Now you jest booger off, you. You wouldn't be bringing it back if we did."
    Quote Originally Posted by toddles View Post
    If I gotta look up words, it's not worth my time.

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    coprolite fietsbob's Avatar
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    Why are Wellies so much larger at the top than at the ankles ? Room for The Ewe..

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    Formerly Known as Newbie Juha's Avatar
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    To err is human. To moo is bovine.

    Who is this General Failure anyway, and why is he reading my drive?

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    Senior Member Route 66's Avatar
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    And why do pipers march?

    To get away from the noise!
    "If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
    Wag more, bark less.

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    Senior Member mort1369's Avatar
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    How was copper wire invented?

    By two Scotsmen fighting over a penny. . . .

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