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Old 08-02-14, 10:07 AM   #1
htcline
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Scottish Jokes!

Here are some jokes from Scotland,

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A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"
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A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
So he says; "What's all this about?"
She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replies.
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A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatβs full Oβ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"
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Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?
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Tourist: " I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip."
Highland Waiter: " Let me add up that bill again sir."
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Dad: " Did you use the car last night ? "
Little Sandy: " Yes, Dad. I took some of the boys for a ride."
Dad: " Well, tell them I found two of their lipsticks."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Sandy: " Will you marry me ? "
Girlfriend: " No, but I'll always admire your good taste. "

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A woman and a man from Aberdeen were stranded on a desert island after a shipwreck. Their clothes were in rags and their food running out.
‘I suppose it could always be worse,’ said the woman. ‘Oh, aye, it could,’ agreed the Aberdonian. ‘I might have bought a return ticket.’

Natilia
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Old 08-02-14, 11:09 AM   #2
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A young man walks into the library in Glascow and asks the librarian "Would you be havin' any bukes about suicide?"

She answers "Now you jest booger off, you. You wouldn't be bringing it back if we did."
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Old 08-03-14, 01:23 PM   #3
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Why are Wellies so much larger at the top than at the ankles ? Room for The Ewe..
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Old 08-03-14, 01:41 PM   #4
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NSFW.

...But do they call me McGregor the pier builder? Nooo...
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Old 09-05-14, 06:40 AM   #5
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Old 09-09-14, 04:22 PM   #6
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And why do pipers march?

To get away from the noise!
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Old 01-13-15, 06:40 PM   #7
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How was copper wire invented?

By two Scotsmen fighting over a penny. . . .
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Old 03-20-15, 11:26 AM   #8
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Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
One could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass asleep beside the street

Ring-ding-did-a-little-la-di-oh, Ring-di-diddly-eye-oh,
He stumbled off into the grass asleep beside the street

About that time two young n' lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
"See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built,
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt."

Ring-ding-did-a-little-la-di-oh, Ring-di-diddly-eye-oh,
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

Ring-ding-did-a-little-la-di-oh, Ring-di-diddly-eye-oh,
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment then one said, "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show.
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show.

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees
Behind a bush he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
"Ah, lad I don't know you've been but I see you won first prize."

Ring-ding-did-a-little-la-di-oh, Ring-di-diddly-eye-oh,
"Ah, lad I don't know you've been but I see you won first prize."

[ These are The Scotsman Lyrics on Lyrics Mania ]
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Old 03-22-15, 07:19 PM   #9
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Ya all know why kilts don't have zippers? So the sheep won't hear em coming.
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