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Living Car Free Do you live car free or car light? Do you prefer to use alternative transportation (bicycles, walking, other human-powered or public transportation) for everyday activities whenever possible? Discuss your lifestyle here.

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Old 05-06-08, 07:10 PM   #1
Dahon.Steve
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Man Won't Marry Car Free Woman

This article from Dear Abby really angered me to no end. Here's a guy that won't marry his long time girlfriend of three years because she's afraid to drive! His reason is that her being car free will be too much of a hard ship on the relationship so he refused to give her an engagement ring. On top of this, Dear Abby gave her the wrong advice by requesting she seek a mental health professional so she can buy a motor car and live happly ever after. This is INSANE!

It's the first time I've ever heard a man leaving a woman who choose to be car free because it's usually the other way around. However, if "Wade" is willing to dump her over a car, then she's better off without him. If it's not a car this time, it will be some other "hardship" that will make him split. Dear Abby should have told the woman to cut her loss and move on.

Folks, there are plenty of men and women out there that don't want to drive. Include me in that group and I'm not a woman because it's flat out dangerous to drive on todays highways with cars speeding like there's no tomorrow. I won't drive to work even if I had a car and I don't need a mental professional because it's a quality of life issue. I consider driving a hardship, not the other way around.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
By Abigail Van Buren
Sat May 3, 7:59 PM ET

DEAR ABBY: I fell in love with "Wade" the night I met him. We almost got married, but he couldn't get past my fear of driving. As a child, I witnessed an accident. It was horrific and left me emotionally scarred. If I try to drive in traffic I freeze up and get flashbacks. I have tried for years to put this behind me.

After three years, Wade finally issued an ultimatum. Unless I drove, he would not buy me an engagement ring. He said my inability to drive would create too great a hardship for us.

Abby, I wanted desperately to get past my fear, but couldn't -- not even for love. I love Wade dearly, but not enough to endanger other people's lives. I ended the relationship and told him I hoped he'd find a pretty driver. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I miss him every day. Did I do the right thing? -- HEARTBROKEN IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You may have acted hastily. There are mental health professionals who specialize in helping people with post-traumatic-stress problems, and you appear to fall into that category. Please talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to see if your childhood trauma can be overcome. Then, if you're successful, call Wade and invite him out for a "spin" -- preferably to the nearest jeweler. If you make one more attempt to get past this, at least you'll know you left no stone unturned

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ucda/2008050...fDPrAa3vZxFb8C
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Old 05-06-08, 07:29 PM   #2
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His loss is somebody else's gain.

Now the answer is the problem. Driving IS dangerous, you should be scared of it (43,000 dead last year would agree).
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Old 05-06-08, 07:35 PM   #3
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wade has it made in the shade.
it would have been troublesome hauling her around for the rest of his life due to her irrational fears.
she needs a checkup from the neck up for her PTSD issues.
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Old 05-06-08, 07:39 PM   #4
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I don't know if she's so much "choosing" to be car-free as she is staying out of the driver's seat to avoid a complete mental breakdown.

There are people who go car-free to make a political statement, save gas money, or just because they can. They're the "choosers".

I agree with Abby in that Heartbroken does need some sort of counseling, even if she doesn't end up driving anyway (Abby doesn't actually recommend her to buy a car, either). She's going to have to sit in cars sometime, and even as a passenger, she's got to be pretty frightened when she does.

I wouldn't take offense. It's very common to get counseling for childhood traumas; this one just happens to be related to driving.
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Old 05-06-08, 08:47 PM   #5
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Still...

The guy could have embraced the fears and PTSD she has and help her through it by getting her to some help and (emotionally) supporting her.
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Old 05-06-08, 09:33 PM   #6
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Still...

The guy could have embraced the fears and PTSD she has and help her through it by getting her to some help and (emotionally) supporting her.
Definitely true; I'm not saying that setting such an ultimatum was a good thing.

Actually, since he gave that ultimatum rather than offering to help, I'd say she's better off without him anyway.
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Old 05-06-08, 09:43 PM   #7
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Yeah, I think she should get help just for her sanity. And if she really loved him, it's worth it to make SOMETHING work. I'm all for picking the statistically safe conclusion of avoiding driving, but she shouldn't live with PTSD.
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Old 05-06-08, 10:04 PM   #8
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I think car-free outrage is misplaced in this situation. This poor woman cannot, by any stretch of the imagination, be reasonably called car-free. She has a mental health issue that needs to be addressed, which is not nearly the same thing as voluntarily choosing to live without a car; Abby gave her good advice on that count. However, I think Wade is most likely an idiot and a loser, to judge from his ultimatum, so she's probably better off without him anyway. Had she only come to LCF for advice, we would have set her straight, I'm sure, but, since she likely hasn't been on a bike since 5th grade, that would be asking a bit much.
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Old 05-06-08, 10:07 PM   #9
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wade is as smooth as suede for regaining his life. she needs to get a handle on her problems pronto.
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Old 05-07-08, 07:11 AM   #10
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wrong advice on her part; although she probably could use some councilling for her fears (nothing wrong with seeing a therapist I think). the aim of the advice is wrong; to try to get back some guy that gave her an _ultimatum_ (in her words) is crazy. Not any mention of the guy being in the wrong _at all_. If she'd give in to the driving issue, what's next?
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Old 05-07-08, 07:25 AM   #11
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Regardless of the relationship outcome, she should seek professional help to deal with something so traumatic that it prevents her from doing something.

And the guy is a ******, but flip it around and if it was the guy who didn't drive and the wife who said it would be a hardship, it would be wholly condoned by society that she wouldn't marry him.

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Old 05-07-08, 09:46 AM   #12
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Actually I think both of them would benefit from some counseling...

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Old 05-07-08, 09:51 AM   #13
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Sounds like she certainly could benefit from counseling, but that doesn't mean Wade is not a d!ck.
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Old 05-07-08, 12:35 PM   #14
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If she got bit by a rattlesnake, and then had a fear of holding rattlesnakes, nobody would pathologize it and chalk it up to PTSD.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to be afraid of traveling in cars, as they are the most dangerous transportation mode.
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Old 05-07-08, 03:55 PM   #15
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I don't know if she's so much "choosing" to be car-free as she is staying out of the driver's seat to avoid a complete mental breakdown.

There are people who go car-free to make a political statement, save gas money, or just because they can. They're the "choosers".

I agree with Abby in that Heartbroken does need some sort of counseling, even if she doesn't end up driving anyway (Abby doesn't actually recommend her to buy a car, either). She's going to have to sit in cars sometime, and even as a passenger, she's got to be pretty frightened when she does.

I wouldn't take offense. It's very common to get counseling for childhood traumas; this one just happens to be related to driving.
Counselling, yes. PTSD and other anxiety disorders have a habit of growing and creeping out beyond the original stressor, and that can cause significant problems in life. BUT - Wade sounds like an insensitive jerk who doesn't deserve a second chance. Issuing an ultimatum like that, based on HIS convenience rather than her distress? Oh hell no.

I did not learn to drive until I was 26. My partner never said a word, because he knew I would learn when I was ready (and I always got myself where I needed to go by bus or bike, so it was only when we were going somewhere together anyway that he drove). I still prefer not to drive, because I hate trying to find parking and I can't enjoy the journey as I do on the bike.
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Old 05-07-08, 05:49 PM   #16
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BUT - Wade sounds like an insensitive jerk who doesn't deserve a second chance. Issuing an ultimatum like that, based on HIS convenience rather than her distress? Oh hell no.
Right, which is why I said as much in my followup post.

The only justification that I can see is if she would need to do things where she needed a car while he was off at work. I think that my mom put most of the miles on the car during the first ten years that my parents were together -- Dad usually rode the bus to & from work.

Buuuuut.... every couple is different and living in a different situation.
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Old 05-07-08, 06:15 PM   #17
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My mom didn't start driving until after my sister was born in 1968 (they were married in 1958) and even then it was very limited. Then about 4 years later she stopped driving due to an illness and didn't drive again until 1977. We shopped using taxi cabs, we walked a lot of places, I cycled many more and brought things home from the store in my front basket on my Western Flyer.

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Old 05-07-08, 07:27 PM   #18
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I always read these "Dear Abby" columns - for a good laugh. The kind of letters you get there are ridiculous - they must be making at least some of them up. And some of the responses are even better... "better" as in "worse", and hence more hilarious.
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Old 05-07-08, 08:12 PM   #19
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I always read these "Dear Abby" columns - for a good laugh. The kind of letters you get there are ridiculous - they must be making at least some of them up. And some of the responses are even better... "better" as in "worse", and hence more hilarious.
Almost as hilarious as some of the rants, trolls and responses on BF, eh?
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Old 05-07-08, 08:47 PM   #20
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Almost as hilarious as some of the rants, trolls and responses on BF, eh?

Indeed. I'm writing a book about some of the trolls here.

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Old 05-08-08, 06:27 AM   #21
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Funny story, if true. Ah yes, love; stronger than time eternal ...or thereabout. I know a carless guy who exclusively lives with girls who have cars who will give him rides to work, etc. No car - no interest.

As for Dear Abby, remember that she is from the cigarettes and gin generation. She probably still has books of S&H Greenstamps she collected when buying gasoline for 30 cents per gallon. You can't fault her for thinking that a person who doesn't want to drive must be crazy. (is Dear Abby still alive?)

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Old 05-08-08, 06:52 AM   #22
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Mike,
AFAIK Dear Abby no longer writes the column...I think it is one of her daughters that is doing it now.

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Old 05-08-08, 07:02 AM   #23
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Indeed. I'm writing a book about some of the trolls here.

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Old 05-08-08, 07:40 AM   #24
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Old 05-08-08, 07:55 AM   #25
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Driving... dangerous? so is skydiving, bridge jumping, anddddd biking! Doesnt stop anyone from doing it, life only lasts a little while, i see a lot of people whining on here like theyre from the 1600's. You live in a world of cars and the pavement you bike on was not put there for biking it was put there for cars. Her fear really is a mental dissorder and should be taken care of.
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