Chicken Admits to Doping
An organic chicken, of the bantam class, has admitted to doping. Exact particulars are difficult to confirm due to its lack of command of the English language, but his oversized thighs and succulent white meat breasts led authorities to suspect this was no normal bird.
Authorities enlisted the aid of a chicken whisperer to pry out the facts. The chicken didn’t admit to knowingly dope, but suggested it must have been in something it ate. Breeders, even organic breeders, have long been suspected of giving the birds “a little extra juice” to fatten them up for harvest.
“This is an ongoing investigation, since we suspect this involves more than one bird. We believe this practice is widespread and could even be linked to school lunch programs.” commented the Chief Poultry Officer.
First word of this came from a first grader who noticed a particularly succulent chop and immediately calculated how much he would make should he win a whistle blower suit. The kid happens to excel in math.
It’s also unclear what disciplinary action the chicken could face. Sanctioning would seem trite, since chickens are normally executed.
This is a breaking story. Thanks for reading – John Neugent
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