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  1. #1
    Arsehole PlatyPius's Avatar
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    Lance Armstrong Inspires Thousands To Come In Third To Cancer

    PARISóCancer survivor Lance Armstrong's inspirational third-place Tour de France finish has motivated thousands of patients battling cancer to eventually finish third to their life-threatening disease.

    "For years now, Lance has worked tirelessly to portray his life and his racing career as a symbol of inspiration for cancer patients everywhere, and now he's succeeded beyond his wildest dreams," said Nathan Frist, director of the Stanford Cancer Center, where the entire oncology ward watched Armstrong's third-place Tour de France finish and proudly raised their hands to display the blue "Do Not Resuscitate" medical bracelets they wore to support Armstrong's effort. "By tomorrow, this place will be almost empty."

    Armstrong's third place finish, coupled with his relentless endeavors to raise awareness of himself as a cancer survivor and role model, have taken him almost overnight from one survivor among many to a living symbol of a man who only lets two things beat him. To many cancer patients seeking guidance and inspiration, he has become the new bronze standard.

    "Lance Armstrong has never missed a chance to stand up and tell cancer patients everywhere to follow his example, and seeing him there on the bottom step of the podium sent us all a powerful message," 42-year-old Brian Goodwood, who was diagnosed with colon cancer last year, said Sunday. "If third is the best he can do, then I know Lance would want me to do it too."

    Goodwood succumbed to a combination of cancer and complications from chemotherapy Tuesday morning.

    Armstrong has won seven previous Tours de France, all while making every effort to equate those performances to triumphing over cancer. However, his 2009 effortópreceded by a Nike-sponsored promotional campaign making it clear that Armstrong had made a career comeback specifically for those with cancerósent a new message as Armstrong struggled through the three-week, 1,500 mile competition. While he refused to give up, Armstrong finished in third behind Andy Schleck and more than five minutes behind winner Alberto Contador, facts that were not lost on those he insisted upon inspiring.

    "I love Lance, and I'm gonna finish third just like he did!" said Karen Monaghan, a 6-year-old patient at the Texas Cancer Center recently diagnosed with lymph node cancer and calcifications in her lung tissue, holding up three fingers to symbolize the inspiration she drew from Armstrong.

    "We're all gonna come in third to cancer!" the children of New York City's St. Vincent's Cancer Center exclaimed in unison while videotaping message they will send Armstrong to show him he was making a difference and to thank him for his third-place effort.

    St. Vincent's, which is widely regarded as the city's third-best hospital for cancer treatment, has announced that it will dedicate an entirely new oncology wing to help cancer patients better deal with their struggles. Hospital administrators said they will appoint a white-ribbon panel of experts to help them design and staff the new wing, where defeating cancer will be the tertiary goal.

    "My wife loved Lance. He lifted her spirits when she was diagnosed. Susan hung on his every word.... She couldn't wait to watch him in his comeback Tour, and I've never seen her more moved than when he finished," said St. Vincent's Board of Directors chairman Gary James. "I'm really going to miss her."

    Despite having inspired people around the globe, a visibly moved Armstrong held a press conference Wednesday morning to thank his fans and supporters and to explain that he may have sent the wrong message with his third-place finish and his starring role in a endless cancer-themed promotional campaign.

    "Please, I beg you, if you have cancer, please realize that while I may have more or less set myself up as a heroic personification of the struggle against cancer, well.... This is hard for me to say, but I think a lot of cancer patients out there can do better than I just did," Armstrong said. "I mean, I wanted to win."

    (The Onion)
    Last edited by cuda2k; 07-30-09 at 12:23 PM.

  2. #2
    Lance Hater Laggard's Avatar
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    Lance Hater!
    i may have overreacted

  3. #3
    Big Blade Howzit's Avatar
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    while this is funny to some, it might not be funny to others.
    Quote Originally Posted by Laggard View Post
    Weren't you supposed to disappear after the TDF was over?
    Quote Originally Posted by calamarichris View Post
    But then I'll never understand how taking a dump became precedent either. Why don't they call it leaving a dump? I mean... you're not really taking it anywhere.

  4. #4
    ....gets the cheese Second Mouse's Avatar
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    Sometimes the magic works, sometimes it doesn't.

  5. #5
    Legs of Steel chrisvu05's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Howzit View Post
    while this is funny to some, it might not be funny to others.
    very astute observation there....

  6. #6
    Senior Member
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    http://www.livestrong.com/ is the foundation web site and has a lot of resources.

  7. #7
    50000 Guatts of power 127.0.0.1's Avatar
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    voted for the most stupid waste of internet space
    I like fat bikes
    and I cannot lie.

  8. #8
    Senior Member kamalster's Avatar
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    Making fun of celebrities, I'm all for. Making fun of a positive message a cancer-surviving celebrity is sending to other cancer patients the world over - not cool.
    "Cyclists have a right to the road too, you noisy polluting inconsiderate maniacs! I hope gas goes up to eight bucks a gallon!" - the dad from Calvin & Hobbes, 1993

  9. #9
    Senior Member garysol1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kamalster View Post
    Making fun of celebrities, I'm all for. Making fun of a positive message a cancer-surviving celebrity is sending to other cancer patients the world over - not cool.
    Agreed...

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