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  1. Replies
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    Is thinking of patenting his gut microbiome.

    Is thinking of patenting his gut microbiome.
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    His idea for a new gourmet condiment: dried...

    His idea for a new gourmet condiment: dried escargot flakes, is not selling well. He blames the unfortunate side effect of the users starting to secrete slime.
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    Is really more of a dry Teflon lube kind of guy.

    Is really more of a dry Teflon lube kind of guy.
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    Is ready for anything, after applying duct tape...

    Is ready for anything, after applying duct tape over his nipples.
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    After it grew to adult size and flew off gripping...

    After it grew to adult size and flew off gripping his cat, he realized that he had been confused all those years on the difference between an 'aglet' and an 'eaglet'.
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    His children hate it when he calls them 'weird,...

    His children hate it when he calls them 'weird, needy, little whiny blobs'.
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    Wonders if he should give in vitro fertilization...

    Wonders if he should give in vitro fertilization a try.
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    He realized he had it made the day he learned to...

    He realized he had it made the day he learned to fake sincerity.
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    He is unreasonably proud of the single 'tine' on...

    He is unreasonably proud of the single 'tine' on his 'pitchfork'.
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    Frequently offers to sell himself to the Gypsies...

    Frequently offers to sell himself to the Gypsies for two pins, but finds no takers.
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    Still keeps the face mask, straightjacket and...

    Still keeps the face mask, straightjacket and handtruck around in case he needs to be transported.
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    Is often plagued by boils and locusts.

    Is often plagued by boils and locusts.
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    Knows the Blue Fairy personally.

    Knows the Blue Fairy personally.
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    Has named his outdoor composting toilet 'The...

    Has named his outdoor composting toilet 'The Jseis Temple of Waste Management'.
  15. Replies
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    Filed an incident report with the Risk Manager.

    Filed an incident report with the Risk Manager.
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    Wonders if Hot Yoga would improve his life.

    Wonders if Hot Yoga would improve his life.
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    Has failed to realize that I am ambidextrous.

    Has failed to realize that I am ambidextrous.
  18. Replies
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    Recently discovered that 'black hole', referring...

    Recently discovered that 'black hole', referring to the astronomical phenomena, translates to 'anus' in Russian.
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    I shave my head, face and neck daily, except for...

    I shave my head, face and neck daily, except for a goatee. I use Noxzema spa shave razors from WallyWorld and I toss the razor every two weeks. More than that and I start to nick my head.
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    Is concerned that Zeno's Paradox is best...

    Is concerned that Zeno's Paradox is best demonstrated in his swimsuit region.
  21. Replies
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    His log is not quite an integer, if you get my...

    His log is not quite an integer, if you get my meaning, and I know you do.
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    Can never remember if he has a peanut or penis...

    Can never remember if he has a peanut or penis allergy.
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    Tells all and sundry, #Iinventedthepoundsign...

    Tells all and sundry, #Iinventedthepoundsign
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    Is really more of an 'Eyes Wide Shut' fellow.

    Is really more of an 'Eyes Wide Shut' fellow.
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    His jockstrap is lined with chinchilla fur.

    His jockstrap is lined with chinchilla fur.
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