Jokes Thread

[Cipher]

Dear Abby,



I recently read your column on "tough love" for grandparents of misbehaving children, whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and attached a picture demonstrating my technique when my grandson just won't behave while I'm babysitting. His parents (my son and his wife) have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for a ride and talk to him. He usually calms down and stops misbehaving after our little car ride together.



Signed,

"The Tough Love Grandma"

[tFUnK]

aint that something =0

[Dannihilator]

Rolling On Floor Right Now, hopefully I won't fall asleep.

[Cipher]

Toilet Cleaning 101

How To Thoroughly Clean The Toilet

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds (never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this).

4. Flush the toilet three or four times (this provides a "power-wash" and "rinse").

5. Have someone open the door to the outside (be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door).

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!

This tip brought to you by:

The Dog

[miamijim]

Can I tell dirty jokes?
How about racialy insensitive jokes?

[a2psyklnut]

Dirty Jokes...YES! Just not TOO dirty!

Racially offensive jokes.....ummm NO! Too much diversity and someone somewhere WILL get offended.

I don't, but others do!

L8R

[KleinMp99]

Dear Abby,



I recently read your column on "tough love" for grandparents of misbehaving children, whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and attached a picture demonstrating my technique when my grandson just won't behave while I'm babysitting. His parents (my son and his wife) have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for a ride and talk to him. He usually calms down and stops misbehaving after our little car ride together.



Signed,

"The Tough Love Grandma"

The funniest part about that is that the picture is real.......

[Cipher]

Der vas a Norwegian farmer, Ole from Minnesota, and he vent to Iowa to buy a cow. Ole got to Iowa and bought the nicest looking cow der, and took it home.

Getting ready to milk it, Ole grabbed hold of da teats, pulled, and da cow farted! Ole thought to himself, "Uffda, oh vhat da heck," and he grabbed hold of da teats again, pulled, and da cow farted again!

At this point, in walked his Swedish neighbor, Sven. Eyeing Ole's new cow, Sven asked if he could try milking it, as it sure looked like a good milk cow. Ole replies ya, and Sven grabbed hold, pulled on da cows teats, and da cow farted. Sven looked at ole and said, "Ya buy dis cow from Iowa?"

Ole said, "Ya I did, but I never told ya dat. how'd ya know I bought da cow in Iowa?"

Sven said, " My vife Hilda is from Iowa".

[Cipher]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot!

[darrencope]

AAh! Didn't even see it coming!

Good one Cipher!

[Cipher]

#1...

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#2...

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#4...

[Cipher]

Happy Halloween!

[Cipher]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the s**t out of a ghost."

Happy Halloween!

[Cipher]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[bentrox!]

Krispy Kreme fuel injection...

[Cipher]

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, 'tis I.."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I do! n't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now...Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say.":

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Brydie Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"

"Me lips are sealed Father."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now.

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy

[Cipher]

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to left and there was a woman in brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face next to her rear view mirror putting her eyeliner on. I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. I looked away - still working on that makeup! As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car - using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call!

Damn women drivers ! ! !

[Falchoon]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He
ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."

"But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered.
"Bring them as well" replied the lawyer. They all climbed into the
car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the
limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass
is almost a foot tall."

[Cipher]

A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags, etc., and says to the salesman "can I have the red one?" -- a top of the range Porsche.

" I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of tenners out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.

The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.

She is back 2 days later -- "I want my money back...it smells awfully bad when I use the brakes" she states emphatically.

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she is not driving it properly'

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.

120 mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145 mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170 mph. The scenery is a green blur the G-forces has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.

100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.

"Can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"

[Cipher]

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" says Hillary, "I don't know about that." The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

[Allister]

How do you know if an auto mechanic has been having sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

[Allister]

What's better than winning a gold medal at the paralympics?



Walking.