Teacher humor

[MsVicki]

The mind of a six-year old is wonderful.

First grade...true story.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:
'Holy SHlT! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[MsVicki]

A Letter from College:

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great.

I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything
I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a
card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on

-------------
The Reply:
--------------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy
are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do
NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

[MsVicki]

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as he could. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, WHAT was it???? Was it the nuns??" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no.

Well, then", she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms???? What was it????" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[jacob]

poor dad
having to actually deal with having money instead of being broke like the student

Jacob

[jacob]

yeah , St. Andrew was nailed to a multiplication sign, but they don't have those much in Catholic schools anymore, though

Jacob

[MsVicki]

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on ~ this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots.
My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month!

[Jean Beetham Smith]

I work as a vet tech in a community that has almost as many synagogues as churchs. After our recent snowstorm, one of our clients found a little Fox Terrier running loose, dragging his leash. She took the dog home to call the animal control officer to report a lost dog. As soon as she put the dog on the floor, he ran over to their Christmas tree and lifted his leg. Her 4-year old son saw this and said, "He must be Jewish, we could name him Dreidel." Our client brought him over to stay at the clinic, where his family found him the next morning.

[MsVicki]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[ngateguy]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[MsVicki]

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!

~~~~~~~~~~

Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Little Johnny: No, I'm Little Johnny.

~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Little Johnny: I get up early.
~~~~~~~~~

Teacher; Didn't you promise to behave?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep
yours.

~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Little Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

~~~~~~~~~~

Teacher: Why are you late?
Little Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what I did.

~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Little Johnny: I hope you didn't either.

[Chris L]

Especially that last one!

[Chris L]

It's the first day of the new school year in Texas, and the new teacher is asking the class what their parents do for a living. Billy is first up: "My daddy is a fireman". Next comes Mary: "My daddy is a plumber". Next in line is Little Johnny: "My dad is a nude dancer in a cabaret bar for gay men!".

At this point the new teacher quickly changes the subject. However, during the lunch hour she goes up to Little Johnny and asks him if what he said was true. Little Johnny replies:

"No, my father is really an auditor for Arthur Andersen, I was just too embarassed to say so".

[LostAgain]

Hmm...
Can't let a classroom humor thread go by without posting one of my all-time favorites. I'm afraid I don't know who the author is -- I'd be grateful if anyone who does know would tell me -- but I've had days frighteningly close to this...


Who's on First, Physics Style

The teaching experience:

TA: What went on in this lab?
Student: What do you mean?
TA: What did you do in this lab?
Student: Lab 3.
TA: And what did you do in lab 3?
Student: We measured the result.
TA: Assume I've never seen this lab before, and you're
going to explain it to me. What would you say?
Student: (pause) Well, it was all about getting the slope.
TA: The slope of what?
Student: The slope of the plot.
TA: I know that, but you have to assume I've never heard of
this lab, ok? How would you explain what you did?
Student: We got the wires and measured at each point.
TA: Measured what?
Student: What the meter said.
TA: (pause) Look. Your report tells me nothing; this could be
an experiment about baking cakes. What's this number here?
Student: 5.
TA: Yes I KNOW it's 5. What did it measure?
Student: The slope. Of the line.
TA: What line?
Student: The line. On the plot. We measured the points and
plotted them.
TA: Why?
Student: (knowing smile) Because that's what the lab said.
TA: If I was a total stranger, how would you explain this to
me?
Student: You just connect it up--
TA: Connect WHAT up?
Student: The circuit.
TA: Why?
Student: I'm sorry, I don't know what you're asking.
TA: I'm asking: what is this lab all about?
Student: Well, we put in the wires and got 5.
TA: 5 what?
Student: The slope.
TA: WHAT was it slope?
Student: 5.
TA: I KNOW that, but what was it a measurement of?
Student: The meter.
TA: (sigh) One more time -- consider me a total stranger. How
would you explain this to me?
Student: You just put on the wires and vary the dial until you
get the readings.
TA: What dial?
Student: On the power supply.
TA: Why was there a power supply?
Student: Well, for the circuit.
TA: And what readings are you talking about?
Student: The readings in the plot.
TA: They gave you a plot in the lab manual?
Student: I'm sorry, I don't know what you're asking.
TA: Where did the plot come from?
Student: We drew it.
TA: From what?
Student: From the experiment.
TA: The experiment about what?
Student: About lab 3.
TA: (expires)

[MsVicki]

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled his tie to his chest. Needless to say, he had no trouble with discipline that term.

[Stacey]

The mind of a six-year old is wonderful.

First grade...true story.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:
'Holy SHlT! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Holy ****! I just wet myself!

[ruirui]

It's the first day of the new school year in Texas, and the new teacher is asking the class what their parents do for a living. Billy is first up: "My daddy is a fireman". Next comes Mary: "My daddy is a plumber". Next in line is Little Johnny: "My dad is a nude dancer in a cabaret bar for gay men!".

At this point the new teacher quickly changes the subject. However, during the lunch hour she goes up to Little Johnny and asks him if what he said was true. Little Johnny replies:

"No, my father is really an auditor for Arthur Andersen, I was just too embarassed to say so".

that's just wrong...

[ruirui]

The mind of a six-year old is wonderful.

First grade...true story.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:
'Holy SHlT! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

this is too damn funny!!!

[TriDevil]

Lostagain, as an engineering student I always hear 'UNITS UNITS UNITS!!!'. Ive seen and indeed been part of that sometimes!

[MsVicki]

Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on.

Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school. Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school. "What? Again?" he asked.

[KingTermite]

Youth Truths

A third grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in
her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with rest. Their
insight may surprise you...

Better to be safe than...........Punch a 5th grader.
Strike While the.........Bug is close.
It's always darkest before.......Daylight Savings time.
Never underestimate the power of......Termites.
You can lead a horse to water but.....how?
Don't bite the hand that..............looks dirty.
No news is............................impossible.
A miss is as good as a ...............Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new........math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.......................me.
The pen is mightier than the .........pigs.
An idle mind is..................The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's...........Pollution.
Happy is the bride who..............gets all the presents.
A penny saved is......................not much.
Two's company, three's................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what......you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as..................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not....spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed........get new batteries.
You get out of something what you.....see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind......get out of the way.

[KingTermite]

KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL THINK FAST

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell
it!
_____________

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
______________

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have
today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you
are.
______________

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."
_____________

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
same day, same time."
_____________

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his
father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

[KingTermite]

Tragedy

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when
he visited one of the classes (4th grade I believe), they were in the middle of
a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the
discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for
an example of a tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door,
was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a
tragedy."

"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove
off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT
LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches
the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet
voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a
missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy!"

"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would
be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Little Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly would be no great loss!"