cod.peace

My wife is completely behind my biking to lose weight, improve my health, and avoid my twin family scourges of diabetes and cancer, or at least reduce the risk thereof. However, riding at my lunch hour is all she'll get behind. I've proposed a 17 mile ride to my in-law's after dropping off my car this coming weekend to avoid us taking 2 cars home from my in-law's place. My wife & her family (sort of a pile-on, you know?) are completely against this, claiming it's too dangerous and a terrible idea. I'll bring her around but it'll take a lot of energy.

I just don't get it - what's the difference between 13 miles in the 'burbs (yesterday's ride) and 17 miles in the 'burbs, aside from distance? Has anyone else encountered this: fitness riding over short distances are ok, but actually cycling to get somewhere (or commuting, say) is considered nuts? Even when the distance and roads are the same!?

It's frustrating, to say the least. I fully plan on starting to commute by bike once i feel I'm up to the 25 mile round trip. I will probably hold off til the end of winter on that, but it's definitely part of the master plan, along with signing up for the PMC next summer. I spent a good chunk of change on my bike, which I'm really starting to love to ride as my 'bent skills improve, and I plan on riding the **** out of it.

StephenH

It happens. With me, it was hiking. I went for a walk. "It doesn't do any good if you only do it once a month." Then later, I'm doing a lot of hiking. "Do you have to go EVERY day?" Spouses sometimes just can't be pleased. I'm building a trailer to go camping with a bike, wife thinks that's stupid (though not said in those words). Hang in there, do what you can.

</intolerance>

Any chance you can get your wife on a bike too? Maybe if she started riding it could be some quality time together and she would realize it isn't "crazy."

I've been lucky. My wife encourages me to ride more and sometimes rides with me. She runs primarily. She does think the amount of money I spend or want to spend on cycling is CRAZY.

Good luck!

aenlaasu

My husband fortunately is fully behind me. He cringes when I start talking upgrades or wanting this or that to smooth out touring issues because it's generally a hefty chunk of change. Other than that, he's fully supportive. Even over the idea of me vanishing for a week at a time as I explore the Sweden bike route or get dreamy over the idea of cycling in other countries.

My in-laws are very supportive as well, though seem constantly astounded when I tell them something like, "I did 80 kilometers today." My parents are both very impressed with me and my dad thinks it's a great idea. Of course, he's the sort who stuffed a few clothes into a back pack and winged it across Italy, Austria, Germany, and Denmark before turning up on our doorstep in Sweden. He did it all by train and foot. I guess I picked up on his traveling instinct and finally have the strength, stamina and resources to do it since I wanted to pair it with my other passion of cycling.

I can't imagine how crazy it would make me if it felt like I had to fight everyone around me to do what I find so entirely enjoyable and supplies a nice sense of accomplishment.

Mr. Beanz

Big problems with spousal support! She keeps swipin' my jerseys!

jesspal

My wife wants to bike, but is to impatient to build up the stamina and endurance that is required. We have done two 6 mile rides and i slow down to her pace and try to help. Unfortunately she wants it to be easy right away and cries because she is not good at it right away. I tell her I could only go around the block once when i first started but she is emotional so what can I do.

flip18436572

I plan on getting out of bed early on Thursday to help organize a 2 and 5 mile Turkey Trot event, and then once that is over, I will bike to our dinner location which is only 13 miles away via the highway that I ride. Last year it took me almost an hour to get there because of the high winds. My wife and kids are glad to see me do it, but some of her aunts and uncles think it is completely stupid for me to ride a bicycle that far and exercise is for idiots. That used to be me, as I used to sit and watch sports, now I participate in them again. I can referee basketball and have plenty of energy to run or bicycle afterwards or even before hand like I will have to do now with my new work schedule.

Durward_Kirby

Be patient. Sometimes when you make a change in your life it indirectly threatens your better half. As you make this hobby a lifelong habit, she'll see that you are serious and that you get some serious satisfaction out of what you are doing and she'll back down. Just be careful not to overspend on your new hobby and cause finacial hardship or you'll lose any bonus points you may have built up with the whole situation.

txvintage

It's very odd how this activity can bring unexpected responses from the people around you. My wife doesn't "not" support the idea, but doesn't do cart wheels over it either. Funny how she wants me to lose weight but isn't exactly over joyed that I've found a way to do it that I enjoy and look forward to. She thinks I'm nuts for wanting to try and ride to the Coast this Spring, but that one I can understand. 480 miles in 8 days is a chunk of effort and mileage.

I think my situation is that she has seen me through many bad injuries and way to many surgeries. The possibility of getting hurt, and knowing the next back injury could be a bad thing, is her primary worry. She does support the buying of cold weather gear, and the pile of bike stuff I have in the game room, lol.

My 22 yr old son, is, well, 22. He doesn't seem to care one way or another. On the other hand, my 18 year old daughter who is a pretty high level athlete thinks this is the coolest thing ever. It's not cool enough for her to do, but for me to do it just rocks, lol.

To a person, all of my friends and co-workers support me in this. A lot of them call me nuts for some of the distances I've done and want to do, but they think it's cool I'm trying and doing the miles.

For many people around us who are close, I think it is a "Careful what you wish for" deal. While they want us to be healthy and active, once we wandered across this cycling thing it becomes almost a competition for time and attention. As we get more and more involved with it, it takes time from others. I also think that some of the people I know who need to find their own activity somehow feel threatened and/or jealous. I counter those reactions with comments about how much better I feel both physically and mentally while on and off the bike.

lil brown bat

+1 to both. It isn't all that necessary to get into a detailed psychoanalysis of people's motivations, either (particularly as this can just lead to more bad feelings). Suffice it to say that change of all kinds makes people uncomfortable, and some amount of "don't do that!" is inevitably going to be mixed in with the support. Don't expect people to be emotionally logical; none of us are. Just be patient.

JOHN J

Its CALLED MARRIGE.

I have the same problem, I met My other half in the SCUBA club I belonged to ,she was a diver.

few years later came very bad Knee trouble for her (runs in her family) double Knee replacement for her at a fairly young age. her diving , raquetball cross country skiing all stopped, no hikes even her golf regiment stopped due to the Knee situation.

and when her knees went bad well My diving/teaching (dive instuctor) , my volunteer rescue work/instructing, my deep woods fly fishing trips (shed hike in with me) and other physical hobbies I did had the matrimonial brakes applied to them.

I started Bike commuting a few years ago and enjoy it very much and its fine with the Mrs cuz Im leaving at 6:30 am and shes heading to school (teacher) . in the summer shes at the camp and has lots to do.

that said If I were to say btw "saturday Im doing a metric with a few freinds" it wont go over too well.

now if she has plans for the day well different story.

"john"

evblazer

Is it this specific 4 day weekend or anytime that you might be spending time with her or non-cycling activities?
I may avoid thursday riding because of the crazy parents rush here and there not paying attention to the road even more then usual. One of the recumbent riders down here is riding out to his parents for t-day dinner and back again while his wife drives. He is leaving at 9am to arrive between 3-4pm since it is 98 miles one way. Just think of all the extra calories you could eat/burn. It might be best if he racks up the bike on the way home to avoid the drunks. At least they were always a problem back in Connecticut not sure about Texas.

The support is sort of the opposite for me. My wife is fine with me riding actually she has 4 bikes just in the house that she rides alot but it is a constant fight trying to convince her that I need to lose weight now that I'm not BMI Morbid Obese heck even when I was she didn't like it. Always something

JoelS

My wife rides too. She has more bikes than I do. No problems here at all.

jboyd

Some people have to be trained. My first wife was a "her way or the highway" kinda girl. I was not strong enough to counter it, so I allowed most everything to be her way. Sucked for me!

One of the behaviors that I adopted second time around is to be appropriately assertive. Just because you don't think something is a good idea, does not always make you right, or me either for that matter.

So I say," if we are going to Cape on Saturday (30 miles away), I am going to leave an hour or two before you and ride over. We can meet up for breakfast". Her response is "I don't think that is a good idea. It could be too dangerous". So I go print out a map of my route, give it to her and tell her that I will meet her at Bob Evans at 10pm. And then I do it.

The next time we are going to Cape, she says, "are you going to ride over, or are we going together?"

I did the same thing with my kids. Again, under the influence of wife #1, they were spoiled brats. The only model they had to learn from was the mom telling dad what to do and him doing it model. When I broke free from that life, I immediately stopped rewarding bad behavior. It was kind of ugly at first, but later on, they started respecting my authority.

The training thing is a give and take though. You have to be willing to accept a little training too. Oh, and if you are not just using up all of your time biking, and your use of time is reasonable, it is kind of selfish of anyone to interfere with your attempt to get healthier.

Good luck.

Jay

BigUgly

Riding to and from work and lunch time rides are not a problem. It's riding on the weekends where I run into conflicts. It's a time issue. I have been wanting to do the long 3-4 hour rides but the kids got too much stuff going on. Now that all the kids are at school all day and she has 3 days of the week to her self it has gotten a little easier. There have been times on a Saturday where I would wake up grumpy and she would insist that I go for a ride because I come back in a better mood.

jboyd

There is a good example of the TRAINING I'm talkin about

cod.peace

I understand completely what you're saying, and I'm glad to say our relationship is much more like the one you describe with your second wife! It's not that my wife won't 'allow' me to take a nice ride, it's the utter lack of enthusiasm for me doing it that is bothersome. It appears that I'm not alone here. I think I'll break the news that I'm planning on the PMC to her once I arrive on Saturday morning, just to get it all out in the open

CliftonGK1

The only complaint my fiancee has is that when I put in long mileage days (75+) I get crabby when it comes to doing stuff around the house later on.

"Could you clean up the kitchen counter and the stove?" (after she spent the morning cooking while I was riding.)
*deep inhale and exasperated exhale* "Yeah. I guess so."
"Dude! Check out what I cooked while you were riding. Go wipe the counters."

(Note: She used to be a chef, and any kvetching on my part is totally unwarranted. We both know this, and she calls me on it every time.)

andrelam

It can definitely be hard when you are trying to improve your physical life.

I am suffering with the problem with my wife. God knows she needs to loose some serious weight. My wife it about 80 LBs over ideal weight. I always tell her that I don't care what she looks like, I just want her to be healthy and to ensure that she has a good chance of living a long and healthy life. She suffers from Asthma (not her fault), has had various knee reconstructions and therefore a week knee, and has injured her back before and finds it hard to walk long distances. She has been going to weight watchers and other programs over the years, but doesn't realy take it seriously. I've let her try all sorts of things, but am getting sick of buying books and let her attend classes. This may seem harsh, but I constantly find junk food wrappers in her car. When she makes diner, she doesn't hesitate to make a large plate of past with lots of cheese. She knows that is a horrible meal, but if I offer to make a salad on the side most of the time she'll refuse to eat it. I am only about 15 Lbs over my ideal, and am working hard to keep my heart healthy and to slowly get to my ideal weight. I am not working that hard at my diet other than to try to minimize my intake bad food. I still love food of all kinds, but I make sure I eat a well balanced breakfast, lunch, and a sensable diner. I've also been working at home on ensuring that our meals are balanced. Every diner will include at least 2 types of vegetables.

So what does this have to do with cycling... I used to work "Down Town" and it would take anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes to get home. I got a job 2 years ago that was only 5 miles from home and now it takes all of 10 minutes to get home. I had a gym membership (as did my wife) and enjoyed going to two or three classes a week. The problem was that it takes nearly 20 minutes to get to the clud. Add an other 30 to 60 minutes for a class, and then 20 minutes home, and I'd would not be home till around 6:30 to 7:00 PM. I descided that riding to work was a lot cheaper and great excersize as well. I now commute year round and I can get home around 5:30 every day. I still get grief from my wife that I am obsessed with cycling. I do enjoy going on one club ride a week during the summer months. The Wednesday ride starts within 2 miles of our house so I do that one as it has the least impact on my time with my family. This summer I wanted to ride to my parents house about 25 miles way and again she was giving me grief. She was telling me that it wasn't nice that I was going to leave about 1 hour before her. We'd meet up all together, and I'd put my bike in the car on the way back, but still she was anoyed.

What is truly silly is that I am a natural early riser so I am always up on Saturdays and Sundays with our daughter. We'll watch some TV, play some computer games together... whatever. Usually this means I am up sometime around 7:30-8:00 am. This is still sleeping in for me and I'll feel plenty rested. I don't mind that my wife likes to sleep till 9:00 or 10:00 am. Yet if I ask for an hour later in the day for me, it become a problem. Sometimes she asks me if she can take a nap as well and I don't care if she does. I'll take our daughter to Karate or some other activity, its good to have some one-on-one time as well.

Most of the time we do have a good life together, but it can be challenging when you are the one of the marriage that is starting to try to show a better example for your child. The other party in the marriage knows they should change, but somehow they find it impossible to get up and moving. The more the 1st person improves, the more the 2nd person appears to resent the change. My wife find the biggest looser stories incredible and all I think keep thinking is, start getting out there with me. We'll get our duaghter riding as well, she loves being active, lets all do it together.

I care about our relationship as most of the time we do actually have a lot of fun together, but it can definitely be a challenge. Thankfully my wife is finally starting to loose a little bit of weight and is therefore starting to feel a lot better about herself. I am still having a hard time getting her to do anything physical. I know she would feel SO much better once she gets into a routine, but till that time she I think she is j ealous of my progress. I am an optimist so I hope that during the next few months I get at least get her to walk a bit more and that next Spring I can get her riding a little on her own around the neighborhood with our daughter... time will tell. I have mode some progress. Tonight we are meeting up at my mother-inlaw's place as my sister-inlaw is coming into town. My wife has gotten used to me riding there (its about the same distance as my commute home) and then at the end of night I'll ride home as well (also about the same distance as my commute)...

Keep up the "good fight" and show the world that it is OK to ride a bike. At last my family supports me and slowly my in-laws are starting to get used to my cycling and are less and less suprised. I don't think I'll ever be as lucky as Mr. Beenz... but there is still hope.

Happy riding,
André

Pinyon

My wife and I have had sort-of-similar issues. She has voiced concern about my safety, especially if I'm riding while it is dark outside; and has a hard time understanding why ANYONE would want to ride for 3+ hours at a time.

I agree that you should be patient. My wife has grown to accept this as my "hobby". As hobbies go, bicycling is not so bad for spouses, though. What if you were into drinking with the boys at nudie bars, or some sort of super compulsive activity like building things in the basement with every single second of your spare time? I go on a "build stuff for the house" tangent every now and then, and my wife quickly gets tired of hearing all of the power tools in the basement during all hours. When I ride often, I'm also in better shape and a lot less prone to being grumpy in the evenings (too sleepy to be grumpy).

You need to work with her on this one, though. Maybe add some safety gear to your kit? Extra reflective tape, flashing tail-lights, etc. You could also show and assure her of the safety of the routes that you choose. My wife knows that I won't ride on some busy roads that don't have wide shoulders to stay away from traffic.

Ride, compromise, and stay safe.

kgriffioen

No problems with the support in this household. When I first started riding I would get up at 5:30 ride for an hour, shower then drive the car to work. A while later I killed two birds with one stone by just riding my bike to work. Its 25 miles RT and I figure it takes away about 15 minutes a day of family time. My savings on gas for the car was more than enough to fund the accumulation of gadgets and clothing so that there was/is no financial issues either.

I don't do long weekend rides unless we go to the inlaws, then I ride and she takes the van (45 miles).

In my opinion its all about how much time you spend on an activity and what time of day you do it in. If there is something that I want to do and its a big time committment then I do my best to do a lot of it when everyone is in bed, ie. very early in the morning or late at night.

This system works for me, but then again my wife is an awesome girl!!

Mr. Beanz

For those wanting the wifey to ride and like it. I just hope you give her a fair chance as far as equipment. It never seizes to amaze me that so many of my friends complain that their wives can't keep up while riding in sweats on a dept store Huffy with a Huffy saddle and Huffy tires pulling the kids in a trailer while they themselves ride a Colnago carbon fiber superlite roadie with $75 race tires.

Missbumble 

Hey Guys I want to respond to you all and especially to the OP - but first off I decided to respond to Andre's post. As a woman who has been 100 pounds overweight and lost all of it - and kept it off for 10+ years..then gained 80 over a period of time. I think I qualify to let you know the psyche of a fat woman. I have also started back on this road again - lost 40 and have 40 to go (Started at 225ish... and am looking awesome now in a size 14....you'd never guess I weighed 180ish more like 160....) In any case I know what it is like to be 80 pounds overweight - since I began my latest weight loss journey in April with that much to lose.

Your situation - weight you need to lose...and getting fitter does not compare at all to her issues. You are a man so lose quicker and are not very overweight - also the world does not treat you like a second class citizen as a slightly overweight male. So your wife imho suffers daily. She is treated yucky! (Not by you by the world) and finds comfort in the food... a vicious cycle. She can only do this when she is ready. Often I am tempted to walk up to fat women and say .... come on over I can help! (I did do this after one charity ride and hopefully influenced a woman to make better choices). Anyway it has to be her choice. Not yours.

You can tell her about me - Miss Bumble- who lost 100 pounds and kept it off for years and now has started a Biggest Loser Weight Loss Thread on your biking web site. We have one non-biker...and she could sneak in.. Maybe like Al Anon... A friend of a biker...

That said - when she wants help - I'd be happy to help. I will speak to anyone about losing weight and motivation etc....

Don't get fed up with all of her attempts... it's always the last program someone tries that works! When I lost the 100 pounds I was on a really strict regimen - 3 meals a day, no flour or sugar, and weighed and measured my meals. Now I have a much gentler program where I eat moderately (don't exclude any foods as a strict rule per se) - just try to not over do as much as before... It's a compromise plan...Try and shoot for losing one pound a week.

Net net - 80 pounds overweight for a woman imho it's not about exercise as much as the obsession with food. I could get thin w/o exercising. But I have to change my eating behaviors in order to make a change and get thin. (The exercise helps but it is the icing on the cake.)

Anyhoo - Hang in there - PM If you want... and know your wife is suffering. It is horrible to be a fat person! Fat woman - I think is even harder. Since losing 40 pounds I am happier, and the world treats me differently.


I have no answers- just wanted to respond. I wish I had a husband like you who cared that much!

The Bee

Missbumble 

Maybe it's about the time away from her on a holiday.. .Maybe she likes you driving her to the in-laws and spending the time with you??

I don't have a psouse so I ride all I want.. I do hope one day the right guy will come along... hopefully on a ride. I think it's all about balance.. Time on the bike and time with her.

Mr. Beanz

Don't you just hate that!