Advertise on Bikeforums.net



User Tag List

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 44

Thread: Pop Your Donuts

  1. #1
    Arschgaudi Mayonnaise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Chicago (Beverly)
    My Bikes
    Merckx Team SC, Masi (fixed), Merckx Cyclo-Cross
    Posts
    807
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Some nights I’m just too damn tired to make the 20 mile ride home and choose to hop on the Metra with my bike. Last night was one of those nights. The miles I’d ridden all week combined with the three beers in 30 minutes at Cal’s made the last train out a certainty. Not too crowded, but enough. I boarded and followed my normal routine.

    I take one of two trains out, depending on time, and have come to know and be known by all the attendants. I’ve established a pattern of super cool . I say hello. I get on the train with my clean bike, secure it with my bungee, have my prepaid ticket ready, read my book. If I’ve had something to drink, I keep it to myself: I don’t preach, I don’t testify, don’t need no witness. Don’t impress anyone with my Roger Daltrey-***-Axl Rose vocal prowess. I am a Nun at Sunday Mass, dig, obedient, quiet, faithful, praying my rosary. When my stop approaches I get ready way ahead of time so as not to cause a delay. I detrain quickly, looking them in the eye and say good night. It’s usually their last run and they want to get home as fast as I do. That’s it. The same every time I ride, nice and predictable.

    Just before we leave a guy rushes onto the train, obviously running late, hustling to make the last train out.

    Randomness is perplexing to me sometimes. How in a city the size of Chicago do you run into the same stranger three times in three different places in one short summer? Many of the same people ride the last train out, you get to know their faces, start making up little stories about their lives, give them nicknames. First time I saw this guy that barely made the train was here on the train. He was talking to a young “friend” loudly that night, going on and on with his lame movie and book reviews and half baked philosophy. The kind of ranting that’s too loud to tune out. The kind of guy you get trapped next to and want to strangle after 15 minutes because he will not shut the [blank] up. If nothing else, the Jesuits taught me to spot false logic and it soon was clear that while this guy seemingly had read these books, the department in his brain that sorted the information and built the foundations for his arguments had been underfunded by the trickle down Reaganomics in the 80’s, shuddered in the 90’s and is now home to a bustling family of field mice playing Euchre. About two weeks later I saw him in a restaurant and had a 15 minute battle with myself wondering how do I know this guy. Not long after I saw him again at the help desk at Borders, going on and on to the poor grad student (Modern American Poetry, no doubt, good luck: “Waiter, more iced tea please”). I know you, I thought to myself, I know you. And now, tonight he’s back. I’ve been watching him closely all summer but he has no idea who I am. I pretend to read.

    He’s wearing a Jimmy Buffett T-Shirt, peach pants, bleached hair, and a red face to match his pants. He’s disorientated from running and tries to focus. He’s looking for a seat. He spots the Masi that is taking up what I suspect is his usual seat and starts talking to everyone, words coming fast, “can we move this bike, can we put this bike over there, what about this bike, can we move this bike.” He may have been drunk but I don’t think so, rather, I think he’s a bit, you know, touched. He keeps going on until half the car turns to me “reading” my book. I acknowledge him directly. “Yes, can I help you?” I ask. “Can you move this bike, it’s taking up my seat?” I look him right in the eye, I see his red face, the Tilt sign blinking brightly through his eyeballs, and right in the center of his lips is a sticky bit of goo between the top and bottom lip that won’t break even when he’s talking. For a few seconds the goo is all I can think about. I point to four other seats and say “there’s a seat here, here, and here.” “I want to sit by myself,” he says, “and you’re taking up 1 2 3 4 5, 5 seats.” Mr. Peach was crazy but he wasn’t unreasonable so I figured I’d help him out. What do I care, my ride is short, I’ll be off in three stops. “Give me a minute,” I say, fussing with my bag and book. A conductor taking tickets tells him there’s open seats in the next car and Mr. Peach says he needs to go the bathroom first. I go back to my book.

    He finally emerges from the restroom. Mustn’t have found his medication because he’s more ramped than before. “You gonna move this bike?” Mr. Peach says, looking at me, goo still on his lips “Last I heard you were going to another car to find a seat,” I say, beginning to lose patience. “Are you going to move this bike or am I going to do it for you,” he threatens. “Don’t touch my bike.” I say. “Move your bike or I’ll move it for you,” he commands. I don’t like to be told what to do, but I’m still willing to be a nice guy and move the bike, I don’t care. He’s a freak but whatever. I can see his mind racing so I slow things down, like Kwai Chang Caine, “I’ll be with you in a minute,” I say after a long pause. Again I pause, barely moving towards collecting my stuff. He can’t take my benign behavior. “You gonna move this bike or am I gonna move it for you [blank].” With that word negotiations ceased.

    He was bullying, he was confrontational, I had cause. I’d had those beers at Cal’s, my hatred for him grew to a giant whitehead, I had my hand on my U Lock. All those things you wish you would have said afterwards were coming to me beforehand, all my moves were clear and focused, it was a chess game and I played 5 moves deep. I’ve had a 3000 mile summer, suffering and living with pain, chasing after some of the fastest wheels in the region, pushing beyond my pain threshold. I was fit and I wasn’t the least bit scared of him. A chance like this comes around once in a lifetime. “You’re a tough guy now?” I said (I can be butch if I need to). He went after my bike.

    Right then, right there Brother Mayonnaise got real chilly. Cool breeze. Like someone turned on the air conditioner, like a hint of autumn suddenly in the air, I was cool, baby, very cool. Like Dylan in the 60’s, Bowie in the 70’s, Prince in the 80’s, Cobain in the 90’s, I was cool. Bono and Mick were driving Chevrolets. I didn’t return Madonna’s call. I was cool I tells you, cool. Like James Brown eternal, like Jack Nicholson used to be, like Barry Mannilow never was, I was low down bad ass cool. Muddy Waters shouted “Mayonnaise” from beyond the grave. Digging the scene with a gangster lean.

    Mr. Peach tried to move the bike but didn’t see the bungee, got frustrated and flipped his wig. He treated the whole car to a scene from Rainman when the conductor came by and asked what was the problem. He kept counting out the seats , “1 2 3 4 5, 5 seats, 1 2 3 4 5, 5 seats, he’s taking up 5 seats, I need to sit, he’s not moving his bikes, look, 1 2 3 4 5, 5 seats.” His voice was loud, his behavior wild. When he wasn’t in the gym he was a conductor on Metra and he quietly, logically spelled out the policy. “It is Metra’s policy to allow bikes on the train. Bikes are allowed here and here. It is the policy of the train. Like I told you there are open seats all over the train. I suggest you find yourself a seat and comply with Metra policy.” Dumb as a bucket of shrimp, at least he had three self preservation impulses that managed to bridge the synapse and made it to the Fight or Flight Department: Self Preservation Division in his psyche, which triggered, rather quickly, the flight solution, and shut his pie hole and left to find another seat. Everyone in the car clapped.
    Last edited by Mayonnaise; 09-13-05 at 10:40 AM.
    Work To Eat
    Eat To Live
    Live To Ride
    Ride To Work

  2. #2
    loves living in the city. Ira in Chi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Posts
    891
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Wow that was dense. Next time you do that maybe double-space? Definitely some great moments in there. Cheers to Metra for their bike policy.

  3. #3
    hullo. drac_vamp's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    san francisco
    My Bikes
    74 paramount track, 80s maruishi track, 70s chesini track.
    Posts
    1,458
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Bravo
    t.h.r.

  4. #4
    Skidmaster teadoggg's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Chicago
    My Bikes
    don walker, redline, TBD
    Posts
    1,629
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    one of the most enjoyable threads I've read in a while. Thanks, Mayo!

  5. #5
    Radio Bemba 00.0 EnLaCalle's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Rocking the spot.
    Posts
    866
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Agreed. Though it's too bad... I thought that the spittle flecked offender might turn out to be none other than J-Po, aka Josh Po aka Josh Powell aka BODEGA BANDIT!!

  6. #6
    Skidmaster teadoggg's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Chicago
    My Bikes
    don walker, redline, TBD
    Posts
    1,629
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by EnLaCalle
    Agreed. Though it's too bad... I thought that the spittle flecked offender might turn out to be none other than J-Po, aka Josh Po aka Josh Powell aka BODEGA BANDIT!!

    haha! i knew he'd turn up again.

  7. #7
    hateful little monkey jim-bob's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    oakland, ca
    Posts
    5,266
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Man, you really need to get some new villains.

  8. #8
    無くなった HereNT's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Sci-Fi Wasabi
    My Bikes
    I built the Bianchi track bike back up today.
    Posts
    5,073
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by mayo
    He spots the Masi
    Um, isn't that the one with gears?

  9. #9
    Frankly, Mr. Shankly absntr's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    Chicago
    Posts
    3,485
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Nope, Masi's the fixed, Merckx is the geared.

  10. #10
    無くなった HereNT's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Sci-Fi Wasabi
    My Bikes
    I built the Bianchi track bike back up today.
    Posts
    5,073
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Cool - just wanted to make sure we were on topic with all the moving threads...

    BTW Mayo - great use of [blank]...

  11. #11
    ambassador of good will *new*guy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    NOVA
    My Bikes
    many.
    Posts
    2,020
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Warm mayo can give you food poisoning, so it's good you kept your cool. Nicely written.

  12. #12
    likes avocadoes
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    oakland, ca
    My Bikes
    heh, like that info would fit here...
    Posts
    1,125
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Congrats on the keeping cool and letting things settle...I'm not sure I could do that if someone touched my Masi...

  13. #13
    attacksquad
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    illtown, DE
    My Bikes
    3rensho pursuit bike, miyata church-bar cruiser, huffy rockslide
    Posts
    57
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    if someone touches your masi again, tell an adult right away

  14. #14
    Senior Member progre-ss's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    The Poconos, PA
    My Bikes
    Converted 1997 Trek Singletrack 930 singlespeed and a Kona Lavadome singlespeed, fixed 27" Miyata road bike, early 70's Raleigh Chopper
    Posts
    1,002
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    I didn’t return Madonna’s call.
    NICE!

    It's difficult not to stare at the sticky bit of goo ain't it? Glad he didn't get the better of you. Seems like your Metra Attendants are "friends with benefits"! Hats of to Metra.

    It's always a pleasure to read your posts Mayonnaise.
    80s era Miele fixie convert

    Volume Flatline bmx
    SS-converted Trek mtb
    fixed gear Dahon Boardwalk folding bike

  15. #15
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    out and on the parkway
    Posts
    953
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by Mayonnaise
    “You’re a tough guy now?”
    haha. awesome, mayo.

  16. #16
    Yay!11! I has!!!1 ImOnCrank's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Eastcoast
    My Bikes
    Cocaine the white stallion, Custom Witcomb pista, (Being restored) 80's Pogliaghi Track, (destroyed) RAP Round Breeze NJS, Cannondale Jekyll 900, 84/5 Pinarello Montello (all italian)
    Posts
    1,659
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Gotta love the mayo story
    Bloodstains, speed kills, fast bikes, cheap thrills, French girls, fine wine...

  17. #17
    jack of one or two trades Aeroplane's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Suburbia, CT
    My Bikes
    Old-ass gearie hardtail MTB, fix-converted Centurion LeMans commuter, SS hardtail monster MTB
    Posts
    5,635
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by Mayonnaise
    Don’t impress anyone with my Roger Daltrey-***-Axl Rose vocal prowess.
    Got to love it when the robo-sensors remove the word when it's used legitimately. Good story.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dr Irwin Goldstein
    Men should never ride bicycles. Riding should be banned and outlawed. It is
    the most irrational form of exercise I could ever bring to discussion.

  18. #18
    ganbatte! sashae's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    nyc
    My Bikes
    '06 cannondale six13, '01 hollands light tour, '09 co-motion nor'wester rohloff, '07 co-motion cross, '09 surly big dummy, '85 de rosa professional pista, '76 schwinn paramount p-14, '06 kalavinka super exhibition, '02 samson, '88 nagasawa track
    Posts
    1,648
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    I've actually had pretty good experience with MTA Metro North in New York... on a full train, conductor had me stand in the doorway, and said "this stop, the next one, and <x stop later> are the only ones on this side... just move into the doorway once we pass the next two, and you're fine."

    Kept giving people the hairy eyeball when they were preparing to give me grief about the bike too.

    It's rare, and it's good to have it happen.

  19. #19
    shot shot's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Posts
    297
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by Mayonnaise
    I’ve established a pattern of super cool.
    Um...

  20. #20
    @#$% cars
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Chicago
    My Bikes
    '02 Schwinn Frontier;'03 Fisher Tiburon; '04 Raleigh Companion; 04 Dahon SpeedPro; 69 Raleigh Sport fixed
    Posts
    405
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    send a copy to metra. their guy got it right!!! WOO HOO!

  21. #21
    cxmagazine dot com pitboss's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    WI
    My Bikes
    Titus road, Fort CX
    Posts
    8,270
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Redemption is now spelled M-A-Y-O?
    Deathlap - cyclocross, training, beer,...escape hatch

  22. #22
    idée fixée iamjberube's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    back of the house
    Posts
    631
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    as always, thanks mayo.

  23. #23
    An Artful Dodger i_DROP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Crooklyn
    Posts
    14
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by Mayonnaise
    I can see his mind racing so I slow things down, like Kwai Chang Caine, “I’ll be with you in a minute,” I say after a long pause.
    This made my day... hilarious.

    //still at work.

  24. #24
    .
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    .
    My Bikes
    .
    Posts
    3,094
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Welcome back, Mayo! And great post!

  25. #25
    I fear angry birds Santaria's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Recalculating
    My Bikes
    2013 Salsa Vaya
    Posts
    2,153
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    As a professional writer, I give you props on the story, but break that up next time a bit better. Nice flow.

    /applaud.
    THE DEVIL

    Originally Posted by Scrodzilla
    If that was my house and you put your stupid bike in my flower garden to take a picture, I would come outside in my underwear and light you on fire.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •