Mayonnaise

My cycling season ended when I hit the pavement face first at Cermak and Archer. I was a Warrior on my bike, a Knight, a Snake Charmer and a Buddha, but in an instant I became all too human. I’ve cycled thousands of miles answering only to my whims, been the master of my universe, courted, challenged and averted disasters. Silenced the ache of a broken heart, eased pains and fears various and sundry; brought my father back to life. Felt right at home in a physical world. Suddenly it was over with nothing left but doubt. Confidence in my abilities shattered. The ride started normally. A nice autumn day, bright sun and crisp air; just a short ride before obligations. Warming up, I hadn’t even begun to say my prayers when I was picking myself up off the ground then falling back down. I didn’t see it coming, I didn’t have time to react. I was on my bike one second, next I was trying to stand and then collapsing to the sidewalk. An event sudden without a chance to counteract. Flung into abandon like a booger off the finger of God.

My cycling season began in full effect when Ben from Chicagoland Bicycle called last February. “Good news,your Merckx just came in.” I had ordered it special the previous October and was told it could take up to six months. I wanted a special color and I wanted “Mayonnaise” painted on the top tube. I hate the guys on my team that have great bikes but take themselves too seriously; precious little b****es. “Mayonnaise” on the top tube keeps me grounded, keeps the ego from getting too heady. Have a great bike and have fun, just don’t be a PAB about it. Ben built it like the pro he is and I rode it everywhere. I took it through the Rocky Mountains where it climbed like a surefooted Mt. Goat and descended with the precision of a straight rule. Trail Ridge Road I’ll always remember. Climbed to 12,000 feet into winter and then descended as fast as fear would allow (51mph) back into summer again. Back in Chicago I went from being a nobody on the South Chicago Wheelmen to a challenger. I never won a Tuesday Criterium (5th place my best finish) but I influenced the outcome of the races and did my share of pulling the train. I love the feeling of being in a tight pack at 30mph almost as much as I love setting the pace and looking back and seeing 30 guys sucking my ass. I love riding at night so anticipation for the LATE ride was strong. Thousands of cyclists gather at Buckingham Fountain at 1:00 AM and ride through the city until dawn when they serve breakfast. It’s not a race but 20 or so of us wouldn’t accept that. We headed North on LSD which has been closed to cyclists only. I passed rider after rider in a fury because I had to be number one. Had a couple of challengers but all that climbing in Colorado made me hard to beat. I kept asking the cops stationed along the route “anyone ahead.” Pretty soon they were answering, “you’re the first.” A moment frozen in time: an empty Lake Shore Drive, no one ahead, no one behind as far as I can see; a quiet summer night without cars, moon bright and beautiful; me spinning silently breathing gaseous euphoria.

A fixed convert, Masi, Yojimbos, blah blah blah woof woof woof, you know the rest.

I pray on my bicycle. I observe my world and turn it into prayer. I say my prayers aloud. “God, the sun is warm today. I feel strong today. The geese fly with beauty today. I love the smell of the chocolate factory. I love the sound my bicycle makes. I love the feeling of drinking pure water, ice cold. Someone is cutting their grass and it smells nice. I’m getting along okay without you today, Dad. My legs make me feel sexy and strong. Hello Mister Squirrel, my dog Fergus would love to invite you over for dinner” Whatever I see I make into pleasing phrases. My prayer ends with gratitude. “Thank you for my life today. Thank you for my bike ride today. Thank you for my health. Thank you for beauty in the world. Thank you.”

On the Amazon a butterfly folds its wings. A sudden contraction of muscles along a left side posterior human appendage, creating force at 27 psi on a lever which pulls a tightly woven, Teflon encased metal cable transferring 23lbs of said force to a pivotal side pull Record braking device, bolted firmly to a minimally raked, chrome plated velocipede fork with a braking compound making sudden contact on aluminum alloy compound radial spoked device causing a sudden catastrophic *********** in forward momentum: a practical application of Faucault’s “Catapult Effect.” [spoken facsimile of Bill Kurtis] “consider Mr. Humphrey “Mayonnaise” Earwicker, catapulted forward through space in a fetal position, frozen momentarily in time, arches upward towards the heavens, pauses, turns downward and hurtles at 32 feet per second squared, same speed as a bowling ball less significant than the fall from grace, towards Newton’s apple.” Pneumo cased melon,driven through asphalt, gravel, soil, Michael Bolton records, bedrock, magma, emerges stock still, supine in Chinatown. Thud. “Mr. Mayonnaise, my name is Dr. Patel, can you hear me? You’re in the Emergency Room at Best Western Immunity Corpuscle. You’re in shock. You’ve taken a nasty fall, your teeth are tied in knots, you’ve got pig iron in your arrogance, and infectious Abe Vagoda corruption. We’re doing what we can but you keep aging. We can’t give you painkillers until we Czech 4 drain bamage. Your father will be here shortly to take you home.

It’s coffin cold in Chicago. I feel old and afraid. The world offers only dangers, sorrows and trauma. I haven’t been on the bike since my crash. They’re both out in the garage, haunting me with their intolerable silence. I drink myself to sleep and fall into nondescript gray dreams, slogging through invisibility. I wake too early in the morning with a poison headache. Music has no sound, wine no inspiration. Coffee no restoration. Without my bike I am nothing, and I am too afraid of death to mount. There’s blood on my shoes, blood on my Masi. If only I had a chance, an opportunity to avoid the crash, to out maneuver it, to have influence in the physical world, I wouldn’t feel so fragile. But I didn’t. My confidence spilled on the asphalt that day. I pass each day in gloom waiting for its return.

fixedgearhead

I too was tossed without warning to the ground when my front tire caught a seam in the asphalt while making a turn. The next thing I knew was that I was on the ground and staring up at the sky saying,"what happened". It spooked me so bad, that I sold the bike and didn't ride anything for a couple of years. But the siren song called to me once again in a "single voice" and I re-entered the world of wheels with a vengance. Give yourself some time to recover before you make any bold moves. I wasted 2 good years of bicycling because of a fear of falling again and wish I had "Got back up on the horse that throwed me".

fixedgearhead

SD Fixed

Which Tuesday race was this?

lotek 

Geeezus thats the best line I've ever read on forums.
If the subject weren't so chilling I'd be rolling on the floor.
Mayo, I truely hope that this is some fancy prose and
not reality.
scariest thing I've ever read here.

Marty

pitboss

Wear it like a medal, not an albatross Mayo.

RegularGuy

Death mocks us. You can't ride to deny death. Death owns the deck. Death deals.

Ride to defy death. Ride to embrace life. Don't be paralyzed by fear.

Thanks for a good read.

temp1

Your listening to the wrong song, pop Surfer Rose in the walkman and hit the streets

schwinnbikelove

Mayo, the world is your sandwich. Go do what mayonnaise does best.

pitboss

Make bread soggy?

SD Fixed

You know, in making porn movies, they..


Never mind.

superchivo

Man Mayo you bring me down. Shannon Butler slipped on some ice over Christmas and broke his jaw. six weeks later, he won the NCAA indoor 5000 with his jaw wired shut. Tyler got up and kicked damn near everyone's ass.

Everybody falls off. It's how you get back on that is the measure of the man.

Bob Roll said it best when he said "If you aren't getting X-rays, you're not riding hard enough."

MKRG

You really ought to be making a living writing. I hope you are making good use of your gift.

bac

Mayo, you've outdone yourself. That was a great read. ThanX.

schwinnbikelove

"Make bread soggy?"

"You know, in making porn movies, they.."

Hey guys, I was trying to be inspirational!!! Thanks alot!

pitboss

No double entendre meant, I brought Tuna salad for lunch today and my white bread was soggy.

Poguemahone

I wiped out so bad this spring they had to call the ambulance to haul me off. Literally had to drag myself off the pavement (after a face first skid across a couple of traffic lanes) and watch my beloved fixie sit in the middle of Laburnum as cars whipped by, just inches from crushing the precious 531 metal into trash. My girlfriend at the time came and hauled the bike off (memorable quote: "I didn't realize this damn thing was so light"). Everyone thought I'd broken my leg. Nope. Back in the saddle as soon as I could walk. Sore as I could be, but couldn't miss a day.

Get back on that hoss.

pitboss

https://www.southchicagowheelmen.com/teamphotos.html
partial, but he's there (at least I hope he still is)

jimv

Hi Mayo...

I read your story to my girlfriend and it made her very sad. She wanted to tell her experience in the small hope that it might make you feel better. So here it is.

Robin Speaks:

This summer my boyfriend convinced me to start riding again. I wasn't
really sure I was interested but I always give things a try. I've ridden
before on a regular basis but my interest faded and I hadn't ridden in 5 years.
Mind you, I've never competed or desired to ride centuries or anything like
that. I just enjoyed riding.

I was not confident when I first started riding again. I felt off-balance
most of the time and had difficulty getting comfortable on the bike (univega).
I was afraid of motorized vehicles and was most comfortable on our lovely bike
path (Burke-Gilman) here in Seattle. After a 3-4 weeks, I was gaining some
confidence. I was riding a little faster and for longer distances.

One day Jim and I were heading home on a beautiful summer day in Seattle.
It was warm (read shorts and t-shirt) and I was enjoying the sunlight. We
decided to head down a street that had railroad tracks along the way. I
followed Jim's exact line over the tracks and felt confident that I would be
just fine. I did not line up at 90 degrees to the tracks and sadly my back wheel
decided to follow the tracks. Up in the air and over the handle bars...
"F*********CK"! I was lucky. I landed on my arms and knees. My head stayed
clear of the ground. And God Damnit I forgot how much road rash hurts.

I had difficulty moving the next couple of days, but I eventually healed.
I was worried about getting on my bike again, but in about three weeks I tried
it. We went to the path (the safest place). Any time we crossed railroad
tracks I stopped and walked my bike over them. We traveled about 3 miles and
I had to stop. I had to breath and relax for a bit. I was definitely freaked
out. I was so scared of everything. Every itty-bitty crack. Pedestrians
(I knew they were going to jump right in front of me). Ducks! Practically
everything you could find on a nice bike path was a potential threat that day!

I made it home safely, but I realized it was too much too soon. I didn't
push myself much for the next few weeks. I'd get on the bike and just doodle
around the neighborhood. Our neighborhood has some quiet streets and that's
where I went. I started practicing some unbelievably simple things. At first I
avoided all cracks, divots, or whatever looked like it might grab my wheels.
Eventually I started riding slowly (and I mean slowly) over them. Cracks,
holes, etc. became a bit less scary and I started seeking them out and going over
them a little faster. I worked on my balance. I rode in narrow spots. First
just side walks, then any narrow area.

A couple of changes to my bike helped during my confidence regaining
program. Most importantly, I switched to singlespeed. Singlespeed is what
really helped me find better balance on my bike.

Finally, I started riding for more than just 10 minutes of doodling
around. It's been 5 months since my fall and I'm feeling more confident than
BEFORE I fell. I just received a Steamroller for my birthday (thanks Jim!) and
I can't wait to take it for a spin!

-Robin

There you have it. We hope you recover quickly.

Take care...

jimv

kurremkarm

Go clean your bike, lube it up, adjust everything. Make it ready for when you do get back on. Read about biking, do strength training, think about what it will be like when you do get to ride again. Not if.

familyman

Both times I've broken bones on a bike (both when I was a kid) it's been pretty hard to get back on once the bones healed. Still, 20 years later, I can't really make the bike leave the ground on purpose without thinking I'm going to die. Silly things with boards and jumps and BMX bikes have permanently scarred me.
Anyway, **** happens. Being afraid of the bike initially is ok, being so afraid you never get back on isn't. Heal well.

pitboss

Did anyone else catch the post by 'mad at mayo?'

lotek 

Yes. . .

RegularGuy

Yes.

I miss "mad at mayo"

pitboss

It was interesting...almost like a digital shadow of Mayonnaise himself (hmm). I wish whoever posted it would have left it. It was a great response...almost too great

MKRG

Actually, I have a copy of it in my "old mail" bin