Well, I did it..
After sort-of looking around for a few years for one of these, I found it.
Observe... THE PIMP BIKE.
Some background - a long time ago, I worked at a bike shop. This shop sold konas, among other bikes. One year kona came out with their cruiser line, and I picked up a keiki, which was a pretty sporty little 24" cruiser with cantilevers and a 3-speed/coaster brake rear wheel. It was a nice little bike, even though I had to buy a crazy-ass syncros seatpost to jack the seat high enough for me.
Still, I always had nagging doubts in the back of my head. "Should I have gone with the humu-humu-etc instead?" Well, now I know. This thing rides pretty well, and now I've got a bike for guests and for those nights when I'm planning on drinking too much to make riding one of my twitchy bikes a good idea.