Mayonnaise

To arms Gentlemen, to arms. To all Chicago Fixed Gear Guerrillas I suggest terror and the time is now. On August 29 the Chicago Triathlon takes place. This means all the Tri Fa**ots will be on the Lakefront down on their drop bars taking themselves too seriously getting in their last bit of training wanting to “peak” just in time. Gentlemen, it is your job, nay, it is your duty to attack and demoralize and to do it now. Here are a few of the things you can do when you’re on the Lakefront and encounter a Tri Fa%%ot

Smoke and Bike: Yea, that’s right, fire up a square (Pall Mall if you’ve got ‘em) and roll the pack in your sleeve, nice and visible. Pass Blaine and slow so he’s in your tail wind and puff like mad. Do not let him pass.

Sit on that Wheel. Like a pest, just stay there. Don’t worry, they race against the clock and aren’t looking for you to take a pull. Sooner or later he’ll notice you’re back there and try to drop you. Stay on there wheel and listen to his anger sizzle.

Can of Pabst. Get a can of Pabst and put it in your bottle cage. Shout like a Punk “On your left, B!tch” and take a swig just as you pass. Do not let him pass.

If it gets Tricky: Remember, he can’t turn, can’t handle his bike, has never ridden in a pack. If you can’t pass him, be patient, sooner or later Little Margie from Ohio will cross the path. You’ll see it and make the slight countermove, Tri-Fa@@ot won’t because he’s in his aero bars, he’ll make a sudden and massive avoidance maneuver which will throw him off his rhythm. Charge here. Go as hard as you can for as long as you can. Don’t look back. Take swig from your Pabst.

Be A Geek. Get right next to him, which will unnerve the crap out of him, and start a long conversation that’s equal parts Milhouse and Grampa. What kind of bike is that? Where did you get it? Did your Mom help you pay for it? Do you like burritos? Shampoo smells nice. On and on, mile after mile Stay within six inches of him.

Sing Out Loud: but nothing cool. Try the Bee Gees. I’ll get you started: “and we’ve got nothing to be guilty of. Our love. Will move any mountain”. Or “Tragedy, when the feeling’s gone and you can’t go on it’s Tragedy.”

The list is endless, use your creatively to do what you like. Your job is to go out there and break his spirit, destroy him. You are the Judge, the Jury and the Executioner, and it’s time to pass judgment. And what is his crime you ask? He’s guilty of worshiping multiple Gods. Guilty of praising many Gods when we know there is only One True and Righteous Lord: The Bicycle. And it will not be diluted or tainted with Swimming or Running. Our Lord: The Bicycle is Precious and True: You are his Soldiers. Now fight.

absntr

Haha - hilarious.

As for Bee Gees tunes, I'm personally singing, "You win again" - with these haunting lyrics:

There's no fight you can't fight
This battle of love with me
You win again
So little time
We do nothing but compete
There's no life on earth
No other could see me through
You win again
Some never try
But if anybody can, we can
And I'll be, I'll be
Following you

Following that rear wheel alright.

SD Fixed

You think you know a guy and then he turns out to be a terrorist. Wow.
I'd love to get some of this on tape..

sohi

cool. picking on the last minority that actually moves in their spare time. I am blinded
by your shiny armour, ueberbeeing.
oh yeah, and dont forget your little finger spreading ballet.

auroch

what's a "Tri Fa**ots"?

amstr

Hey Mayo, ever heard of homophobia? I mean who posted this, Eminem?

danielmolloy

I think it's a tri farrot, you know those weasley rodents?

SD Fixed

Some people have no sense of humour, irony or..

a general clue.

And some people take @#$# way to seriously and way to far.

For all others, there's reality.

sohi

and some people dont have a talent for comedy

Jesse M

as long as you're on a bike and having fun; what you're training (or not training) for doesn't matter to me.

amstr

And some people are bigots. What a wonderful world we live in!

SD Fixed

Funny you say that.

Apparently over 150 forum members thought he had comedy and writing talent. They bought his book.

Just a thought, but perhaps some people just have a grudge against life in general and look for something to whine about.

I think the term is curmudgeon.

sohi

you mean like tri-fa***ts ?

SD Fixed

Let me be REAL CLEAR with this question, and please, before you go on a tirade, just answer it clear as well. And this goes for anyone here:

Do you think I am a bigot?

stevo

"Apparently over 150 forum members thought he had comedy and writing talent"

actually, I think at least 100 of those people simply spend way too much time obsessing about 'fixies'

sohi

thanks for the name for my next bike! now i just need to learn to pronounce it.

amstr

How should I know if you're a bigot?

I don't think that Mayo's post is f**king funny. Airplane, now that's f**king funny!

Mayonnaise

I think Mayo's post is funny as h3ll.

Now time for music

if you want to destroy my sweater pull this thread as I walk away

SD Fixed

You said in response to me:


So, am I one of "some people" or is someone else or did you just pull that out of your @$$ as an off handed comment. I'd like to know.

stronzo

i so knew this would happen after finishing the first paragraph. the reaction's funnier than the initial post, though in a much more cynical way.

SD Fixed

I'm not sure I can either. Everytime I say it, it's like a food laden burp..

Fugazi Dave

I think I'll find something else to do that day.

gilby

Maybe it would've been funny without the "Fa**ot", "Fa%%ot", and "Fa@@ot". Maybe, but maybe not.

Jesse M

weezer rocks way harder than this thread

amstr

I was referring to the original post about "tri fa***ts" which I do think is bigoted, not to your post defending it. Although maybe it's funny to be intolerant. HaHAHAHAHA