Old 03-25-17, 06:53 PM
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Hi guys. Wish me luck ... about to go out and ride

I'm sorry if this is inappropriate, TMI or just something no one wants to see here, but I need to get this off my chest and send it out into the ether for the Cosmos to judge. I've posted before about my inability to get myself on a bike for about 6 months now really. I guess I need to face reality that I have "anxiety disorder" or more realistically I'm a coward, or something somewhere between those points on some continuum, I don't know.

Some days I think I'm losing it - to have so much anxiety over such a simple thing - but that's what this is - an anxiety issue. And it really came to a head this past week. I hired one of the assistant endurance coaches at my gym to work with me on my running and swimming. We had a great first session, running analysis and diagnostics using video/software. Our second session was ok - stretching techniques then a 20 minute all- out for distance and to record my HR during- fine did it, even though I'm really pretty slow - my steady pace is only about 5.5-5.6 mph, sprinting maybe 7.0 but can't sustain long.

So he gave me a homework assignment - a 10K comfortable run, measure time and record HR. And I thought about it and freaked out more and more. I basically stick to 5Ks, done a couple of 10K events for fun and make every 5th or 6th practice run a 7.5-8 K to build endurance, but it's a challenge with even good control of asthma and anemia. Yet my dream/goal would be able to do a half IM - realistic, probably not. Not sure.

I've blown this test off a week now, and blew off the third session with the coach/trainer,which would have been a swimming form diagnostics session I would have enjoyed. I'm calm in the water as long as it's warm (anemia again, I wear a thermal wetsuit in cool water).

So I've been blowing off cycling all winter for treadmill running and swimming. Now I'm afraid of running. WTF? Then what? Swimming? then lifting? Then I'll stop going to my boot camp with the same friends I've done it with for 5 years? Stop going to work? Stop leaving my house? Lay in bed and puke and cry all day? Great life that, huh.

I am sorry for this post -I know I sound like the men with butterfly nets need to take me somewhere quiet - but this sh** in my life has to stop, I have got to break this pattern. I don't know what took the air out of my sails, I guess losing my mom to CHF/a fall and my uncle to pancreatic cancer 5 days apart Thanksgiving 2015 got to me more than I knew. I thought I was "ok with it" / guess not?

So I'm going out on a damp chilly Saturday night to see if I can shake this and break its backbone before it breaks me. Weird thing is, I know when I post this I gotta go ... and I loved to ride, most awesome sense of freedom I had in my life a few years back. But I keep delaying and delaying, been an hour plus now.

Gonna hit post and go. Wish me luck.:
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