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Goonga- Galunga: Race 53 in the books.

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Goonga- Galunga: Race 53 in the books.

Old 08-31-06, 02:24 AM
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Vinokurtov
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Goonga- Galunga: Race 53 in the books.

Decided to venture south to our sister club for their last race of the season, a lack-of-form checker for the upcoming weekend's simulated stage race.

After taking a $20 prime (goonga galunga) in last night's crit-I-call-you-names-for-not-helping-me chase-down-your-teammate race then packing it in I was in need of some work and a nice, non confrontational race.

(Zen riddle: Why is it people feel they can call you things on the bike they know would get them knocked on their a$$ in regular life?)

The course is/was/should have been the same as our District Masters; multiple laps of ten miles of very nice road tucked away in a scenic valley where the winds blow hellacious.

Instead I arrive to find a near mutiny amongst the fast guys at the new, backwards, one lap format. No amount of petulant pleading will reverse the race director's decision, so hi ho, hi ho, it's counter clockwise we go.

Goonga galunga.

I've brought the new Ergomo Power Meter equipped Spanish Doper's Bike of Choice to get some benchmark watts readings for future reference. As we're ready to go I hit the start button to see the following display:

"Goonga Galunga"

AKA, "Low Battery"

Odd, given that the display shows 20 hours of battery life left. We'll be making a phone call on that tomorrow. Computer goes into sleep mode then into black death mode. Oh well. We shall ride in the fashion of Eddie Merckx. No computers, other than the 286 with 2MB ram I work with on a day to day basis to do complex tasks like eat and sleep.

(Note, I used to have 4MB RAM but one chip seems to have gone south. I blame youthful excursions into drugs and alcohol, though the problem began when I started writing "4" as the first number of my age)

Race is whistled off and various attacks begin. No so much attacks as cloying accelerations that have the violence of a good Teletubbies episode, like the one where the gay Teletubbie goes all S & M on the other Teletubbie...

Opps, sorry, channeling Pat Robertson there for a minute.

Anyway, guy finally breaks off the front and gets the short leash. I hear my buddy ask to be let through so I move aside and he takes the long leash. Folks start getting antsy and begin attacking a bit more earnestly. I lift out of the saddle and "apply even downward pressure to the right pedal whilst simultaneously lifting with the left foot"

(Quotation courtesy of "Sean Kelly's Book of Cycle Racing And Abstinence", copyright 1990)

Only to hear chunkaclunkcachankKAKunk as my chain skips on the ubber lightweight all alloy cassette I installed a race ago.

Goonga galunga.

This seems to be some type of infection, as it slowly spreads to other cogs as the race progresses. Fortunately, it's localized to the middle cogs, I've still got my 25,23,12, and 11, which is where I spend at least 7.8% of the time on this particular route under normal circumstances. Today I shall work on spinning like Lance Armstrong on meth and low cadence power like Der Jan on 'ludes and codeine cough syrup.

Gooooooooooooongaaaaaaaaaa galuuuuuuuuungaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

So we make the final turn for a pleasant 3% for 4 mile into a head wind run to the finish line. Life is good, I can't attack, I can't get off the seat, and they've pulled back the leash on our escapees so were in a bit of a pack. It's then I saw the hand painted sign in front of the converted storage shack now Mission Temple Of the Greatest Message Of Jesus In All His Glory Temple Of Christ:

"Revival!" (Painted in a most drooly, satanic red BTW)

I assume they are talking about my legs, so sitting down, cranking along at a cadence measured on the Richter Scale, I roll baby.

A few seconds later my head is on fire and one eye begins to water. Someone is jabbing an ice pick into my shaved forehead right near a helmet vent.

Wasps: they're not just for yacht clubs anymore.

Goonga galunga.

Nature's grand design differentiates the wasp from it's stinging cousin, the bee, by it's ability to keep stinging. No one shot wonder this insect. I drop off the back off the group, rip my helmet off, and let fly with a few choice phrases that were loud enough to convince those attending the revival that Satan is, in fact, quite real and at the front door. I assume the wasp flew away, though it left a nice brand on the old dome.

And trust me, there's nothing like trying to put your helmet back on while going uphill into a gusting wind with deep V rims, with one eye nearly closed, pushing the 50/12 at 4 RPM.

Goonga galunga.

Wasp venom may not be the new EPO, but I do manage to catch most of the pack. I'm passing more people when we see the 200m cone. I try to sprint and am greeted with the ever familiar

chunkaclunkcachankKAKunk!

So unable to sprint, I start going backwards. I think I finished 12th or something.

Here's hoping for a better weekend.

Goonga galunga.

Last edited by Vinokurtov; 08-31-06 at 06:53 AM.
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Old 08-31-06, 05:14 AM
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IKYR
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Originally Posted by Vinokurtov
After taking a $20 prime (goonga galunga)

Well you got that going for you...which is nice...

wayne
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Old 08-31-06, 05:21 AM
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Great report!

--Steve
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Old 08-31-06, 05:54 AM
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But did you learn the important lesson? You know. Cassettes. Chains. Torque. Check before race if any new parts.

You are doing a simulated stage race? I'm doing a 6 day block starting tomorrow. Five quick-paced group rides and a long, steady romp day in the middle. 3-5 hours a day avg. Can't wait to feel the effects of this 9 days later when the big races start up and I'm good and rested.
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Old 08-31-06, 06:01 AM
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Man...stifling the laughs here in the office was a bit hard...that was some good stuff.
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Old 08-31-06, 07:19 AM
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jrennie
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While the week may have sucked, at least you made the rest of us laugh with the reivew, heres hoping the weekend goes better. (cant get any worse)
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Old 08-31-06, 08:16 AM
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Very nice write up nothing like riding along then feeling as tho someone is putting a cigarette out on your flesh.
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Old 08-31-06, 09:53 AM
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Great write up.
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Old 08-31-06, 11:26 AM
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Originally Posted by YMCA
But did you learn the important lesson? You know. Cassettes. Chains. Torque. Check before race if any new parts.

You are doing a simulated stage race? I'm doing a 6 day block starting tomorrow. Five quick-paced group rides and a long, steady romp day in the middle. 3-5 hours a day avg. Can't wait to feel the effects of this 9 days later when the big races start up and I'm good and rested.
Sadly, it appears I've got no one to blame but the manufacturer on this one. The cassette worked pretty OK the first time I tried it and in the race prior. It's what I get for buy Kim Jong Il brand parts I guess.

The simustage race is 3 days of stupidity and support riding starting Saturday (four races actually), a nice opportunity for polishing off what little racing I might have in my legs.
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Old 08-31-06, 11:37 AM
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Submit it to VeloPress.

Luckily, Caddyshack was on the Golf Channel last night, or else I would have been lost after the first Goonga.
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Old 08-31-06, 11:21 PM
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Originally Posted by EventServices
Submit it to VeloPress.

Luckily, Caddyshack was on the Golf Channel last night, or else I would have been lost after the first Goonga.
+ 1 to submit to Velopress. + 1 to all the you create.

I throw in the towel to you sir for the best write up of the season contested by Pizza man and DrPete. As you can see I ed your report.

Nothing wrong with caddyshack by the way other than it's about golf sourt of.
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Old 09-01-06, 05:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Vinokurtov
Wasp venom may not be the new EPO, but I do manage to catch most of the pack.
LOL. Nice read!

BTW, just consider the multiple wasp-venom injections as a sort of free BOTOX treatment. I'm sure you're much more of a chick-magnet now!

Bob
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Old 09-01-06, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by IKYR
Well you got that going for you...which is nice...

wayne
+1 from the Dali Lama
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Old 09-01-06, 09:34 AM
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Great report Vino, see you Monday!

By the way, I won at Infineon last night. (30th race of the year for me & 7th win)
My wife was there watching and happy to take my $80 & bottle of wine prize.
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