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HA! NASCAR has biggest cheaters -- and fans who don't mind

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HA! NASCAR has biggest cheaters -- and fans who don't mind

Old 02-16-07, 12:17 PM
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TheKillerPenguin
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HA! NASCAR has biggest cheaters -- and fans who don't mind

They just don't cheat with supplements. Because, you know, driving a car around a circle isn't a real sport

http://sportsline.com/print/columns/story/9997137
NASCAR has biggest cheaters -- and fans who don't mind

The next thing Nextel Cup crew chiefs and drivers will try in an attempt to get more speed out of those engines is sling monkey poop across the manifold.

They've tried everything else. Peeing moonshine on the carburetor, modifying rear springs, piddling with track bars, creating illicit aerodynamic advantages, adding screwy parts deep in the engine core, improperly attaching weight and, yes, monkey poop.

Now comes the latest news from the sport of cheats. A swath of top-tier Nextel Cup teams were fined points and their crew chiefs suspended for a variety of rules violations.

Thus a question: What do Barry Bonds, Shawne Merriman and a host of NASCAR drivers and crew chiefs have in common?

The answer: They have all cheated their asses off.

That is where the similarities end. Unlike football cheats and baseball rules breakers, NASCAR cheaters get off penalty free when it comes to the public.

In fact, the biggest, baddest cheaters in all of sports are not in baseball or the NFL. They are in NASCAR. And few fans seem to care.

NASCAR: National Association of Super Cheaters and Rascals.

The same way juicers changed the sport of baseball and dragged it through a slime pit of Congressional inquiries and needle-pinched rear ends, crew chiefs and drivers are finally being exposed for the cheating asses they have always been.

Instead of altering DNA and hat sizes, NASCAR cheaters are slathering incendiary gobbledygook on top of carburetors and creating cars so illegal they might as well have warp drives. It is not Matt Kenseth driving. It is Jean-Luc Picard.

The cars are so jacked up with cheating paraphernalia, they don't drive around a track. They break orbit.

These guys cheat and cheat and manipulate. Anything to git 'er faster.

You know what is most interesting about all of this?

Do you hear that? Do you hear that sound? It's crickets chirping.

Where is the fan outrage over an epidemic of cheating in NASCAR? Where are the special prosecutors and grand juries? Where are all the sweeping, grandiose declarations in the media that the entire sport is bursting with scoundrels and dirt bags, the way we have heard that for years about baseball and the NFL?

Where are the fans saying they will never watch another Nextel race out of frustration about all of the rule breaking, the way they did with baseball, once the cheaters were exposed as pumped-up frauds? Where are the fans ridiculing drivers the way they did the 'roid ragers in the NFL? Where are the fans of the sport demanding that titles be stripped away, the way some demanded after the scandalous accusations against Reggie Bush became public?

Despite The Carburetor Wars, despite the thick, odious stench of cheating permeating the sport, you fans have been awfully quiet in your criticism of NASCAR.

Crickets.

The argument that as a society we care more about baseball and the NFL and that is the reason why we overlook NASCAR's extensive record of cheating is mostly bogus. The sport's popularity might be stalled right now, but it is still greatly watched.

The other absolutely frustrating argument is that racing skullduggery is ingrained in the sport and that is why you fans look the other way. Nice, lovely euphemistic phrases and words for hanky-panky have popped up into the racing lexicon. Words like "creative engineering" and "micro-cheating." Micro-cheating? Was Jose Canseco "micro-'roiding?"

Many people cheat in all kinds of professions. When they are caught, there are often serious repercussions.

Not in NASCAR. In NASCAR, not only do teams cheat extensively, they are rarely busted, and when those teams do get spotted for cheating, they endure nothing more than a slap on the manifold. I have covered several Daytona 500s and a few other NASCAR races, and even I know the cheating is pervasive.

Only now is NASCAR getting slightly more punitive. But do not be fooled by NASCAR and media claims that the sport has suddenly grown intestines.

These penalties are still minutia. Daytona is called the Super Bowl of NASCAR. Crew chiefs and drivers are the football equivalent of head coaches and quarterbacks. Imagine the national outrage if it was discovered that before the Super Bowl a coach and quarterback conspired to rig pieces of equipment for better performance or have the quarterback snack on performance-enhancing drugs.

My co-worker Katie Couric -- she's my homey, we're pals -- would lead her evening broadcast with such news if it occurred.

Then imagine if after being caught only the coach was suspended and not the player.

NASCAR will only be getting tough on drivers when they start delivering lengthy suspensions for them -- the only thing that puts a real scare into any athlete is when you take significant playing time away -- if their crews are caught breaking the rules multiple times. Are we to believe that the drivers have no clue that the crew chiefs and engineers are cheating?

Did you believe Bonds when he made the ridiculous claim that instead of steroids, he thought his trainer was giving him flaxseed oil and rubbing balm?

You chuckled and gurgled when you heard that, right?

And yet with NASCAR's army of cheaters, nothing but crickets as crew chiefs claim duct-tape malfunction or swear that sticky substance on the engine is pancake syrup.

Or monkey poop.
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Old 02-17-07, 12:54 PM
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Well Nascar was started by a bunch of good o'l boy moonshiners who raced the souped up sedans that they used to outrun the "revnoo'ers". Since it comes from a tradition of admitted lawbreakers, I guess they are a little more tolerant of cheating.
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Old 02-17-07, 12:56 PM
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The crew chiefs take the blame, so the drivers can remain "heroes".
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Old 02-17-07, 04:01 PM
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while it doesnt set a nice example for kids, its not going to make them take steroids.
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Old 02-17-07, 04:51 PM
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Cheating in NASCAR has been rampant from the beginning. The rulebook is űberprecise because of crew chiefs, car builders, and drivers getting creative. Smokey Yunick showed up at Daytona with a 7/8ths scale body because the rules said nothing about scale. Bobby Allison was caught with fuel in his rollbars. Junior Johnson and his 300' of fuel line. The list goes on.

No driver was ejected this year as nothing was done in a race yet. Break a rule in a points paying race and then they will get you, unless you're Jeff Gordon or Dale Earnhardt Jr.
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Old 02-17-07, 05:24 PM
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oh please. every sport has cheaters.
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Old 02-17-07, 05:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Smoothie104
while it doesnt set a nice example for kids, its not going to make them take steroids.
No just marry their cousins and drink bad beer.
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Old 02-17-07, 05:37 PM
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what does this have to do with road bike racing?
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Old 02-17-07, 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted by El Diablo Rojo
No just marry their cousins and drink bad beer.

HHHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! nice!
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Old 02-19-07, 07:49 AM
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I didn't know that those cars had carburetors.
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Old 02-19-07, 07:52 AM
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Originally Posted by jfmckenna
I didn't know that those cars had carburetors.

Indeed, they do. Hence the term "restrictor plate racing", which is when they are required to put restrictive air flow plates under the carb. Slows the cars down on the high-speed tracks, like Daytona and Talladega.

Yes, I used to watch Nascar. Therapy worked wonders.
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Old 02-19-07, 07:53 AM
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>> Because, you know, driving a car around a circle isn't a real sport<<

To be technical KP, it's an OVAL. Big difference.

I think they should test the fans for alcohol, and if 90% of them aren't legally drunk by the finish the race result should be nullified.
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Old 02-19-07, 10:17 AM
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As with most American sports (NFL, NBA, MLB) - cheating is not only okay, but it's glorified.
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