Originally Posted by Eatadonut

Update:

So I messed with the hub for a few hours, never could get that sucker working. Tried a new wheel today - that did the exact same thing.

For some reason it never occurred to me to check the dropouts:
but it's not really scratched up anyway. The strange thing to me is that the non-driveside dropout is scuffed to hell, but that's not the side it was pulling out on (edit: nevermind. it's pulling out on both sides). Is it possible that's the problem anyway, or is that just what dropouts look like when a bike is used a lot?