artimus

Everything begins with that first step. For me, it has been just to cross the doorway.

In March, I was seriously ill by mental illness (PTSD, depression). I was hospitalized (and formed), the whole nine yards for 2 weeks. As I was recovering, the weather turned for the better, and all I could think of, and was looking forward too, was to incorporate cycling into my recovery plan. I even went so far as to join a club to start riding with other people. The meds that I'm on are real weight gainers, so tons of riding was on the horizon to keep my weight down. Due to the work that I do(tool & die maker), plus just the overall state that I was in, I was on sick leave til the 3rd week in April (that now has been extended to the end of May). This gave me time to recover, so that I could return back to work (ASAP). As soon as I got home I went out for a quick spin to see were the body was after the winter off. As I figured, I had weak legs and stiff back. What I wasn't ready for was the total breakdown of my mental processing skills. In the few times that I tried riding over the next bit, I would have close calls with cars. Everything was just a few degrees off of center, but enough for me to fear a serious accident. So, I holed up in my apartment, rarely going out, and gained about 15lbs in no time flat. I only went out as little as possible, and communicated with only my wife. If I was out of the house for any period of time, forget it I was running for the hills. The worst of it was both of my bikes just hung around and just collected dust screaming to be ridden.

And then........
I just thought ride or die. I was already dying slowly inside and heading back to hospital if things didn't change. I would look outside at the most beautiful weather, and couldn't walk out the door to enjoy the sunshine. Mental illness is a very cruel disease. So H3LL or high water, I was going out one way or another. If I did get smoked, it would be doing something I truly love (although the thought of laying busted and broken dying in a farmers ditch isn't very romantic). I also erased the excuse of riding on weak wheels (Bontranger Selects), by picking up set of Mavic Ksyrium Equipes. And then I just did it; I put my stuff on, and walked out the door. I rode the sidewalks from my place to the park (the road sucks first and I wanted that little cushion second), and jumped on the MUP. GOD IT FELT GOOD!! 32 km (20 mi) later I walked in the door feeling more centered then I have in a long time. With the ride under my belt, I immediately started thinking about Friday, and where my two wheels could take me, with the though of increasing the distance. Up and out the door was the plan, but I kept putting it off. Then finally I gave myself that extra little push around 1:00 and headed out. Two hours later and 60 km (37mi) I was home. I was totally spent, I ached all over and I am finally starting to feel at peace again.

Tomorrow morning, I'm going to head out for my first club ride....................






All I have to do is make that first step out the door.


Artimus