Glad to see you're studying at the "jerk" school, as well. I'd say you've definitely made it to apprentice punk by now. All I need is another person with nothing to add to the conversation adding to the conversation. Why not go find a newbie to harass about changing a tire? Didn't your kindergarten teacher ever tell you, "If you don't have anything nice to say...?"

As far as the other suggestions, I appreciate them. I'll go get a pipe. I only found huge pipes last time I looked at the auto parts shop, as I stated before. I'll go check my local hardware store.

As I said before, finding random-but-useful things here in NYC can be quite the PIA. There just isn't a lot of room for some kinds of stock in shops.

Ivan, I've tried your suggestion, and I just couldn't get enough purchase on the frame/crank/wrench all at the same time. I know that I'm hindered in this whole endeavor by a lack of a stand or anything to actually hold the bike still as well. How many times have I just wished I had room for a good worktable with a vise...?

Construction sites are also good places to pick up scrap pieces of pipe for free; just ask the forman or site manager first.

Supergo has a crank puller tool which has integrated cap removers, crank bolt sockets, allen heads and a crank puller.
The handle extends for a bit of added leverage.
Got it a few weeks ago and it seems to work fine on my cranks, although now that I also have an ISIS crankset, not sure if this will work - I may have to get/find/make an 'adapter' to make a larger head on the threaded rod that pushes against the BB spindle, for the ISIS arms.
Otherwise, quality seems good and the thread on the crank puller bit doesn't seem as brittle as the Park tool.
I've gone through a bunch of Park crankpullers over the years, cause the head and threading prove brittle and easily damaged.
This one works good. When I thread on the crankbolt I tighten using the handle in 'short' mode, this way I'm not over-torquing it. I then use the handle extended to loosen the crankbolt.
If more leverage is needed to remove the bolt, then it was torqued way to much when installed.

So I got off my butt this eve and went to pull the crank arm off my ISIS compact cranks using the supergo puller. Turns out the 'kit' includes a small screwin plug that goes into the end of the spindles where the crank bolt enters and allows the crank puller to push against it properly, to pull the arm off.
So, the Supergo Puller also works on ISIS (and works great on my old Campy Super Record cranks).
A nice tool, very happy I decided to get it.

Nice! I got my Park before ISIS and whatnot so it doesn't work on my XTR crankset. Have to get one of those plugs, I guess.