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Punishments for bike thieves

Old 12-28-22, 12:40 PM
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Punishments for bike thieves

Inspired by @La Brea Bike 's loss of his Raleigh. What punishments is appropriate for bike thieves? I know, our first reaction will be hanging, but that is just our knee jerk gut instinct. We can do better to provide a little sting and re-uniting into society.

I'll start.

Forced to ride an Huffy Aerowind with the tires filled with Beet Juice. After this they might be pretty strong cyclists, come to think of it. Hopefully, this time around they actually pay for their bike and get their kicks by passing cyclists with far better bikes in full spandex kit.
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Old 12-28-22, 12:44 PM
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Forced to wear bike spandex shorts previously worn by a touring cyclist.
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Old 12-28-22, 01:06 PM
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I've given it a lot of thought, and I'm gonna stick with my gut on this one.
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Old 12-28-22, 01:21 PM
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I like this...

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Old 12-28-22, 01:22 PM
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Floor pump to the knees, frame-fit pump to the hands. Justice served

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Old 12-28-22, 01:29 PM
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In the really old days, there was a thing called the Hammurabi Code (sp?). They just cut your hand off, which would certainly make it harder to steal again. 😲

That's obviously a little harsh, maybe just breaking a hand would be sufficient. 🤔😉
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Old 12-28-22, 01:30 PM
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Headphones permanently attached to their head, with a continuous playlist of "Baby Shark," "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" (the second, sappier version from the 1970s), a recording of any beginning violin class, a Barney medley, and the Kars 4 Kidz jingle. On random. For ever.
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Old 12-28-22, 01:30 PM
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Or maybe just a pie in the face...

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Old 12-28-22, 01:49 PM
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Inspired by Chuck Naill : Forced to wear spandex in prison.
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Old 12-28-22, 02:28 PM
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The laws and punishments are already there and in Texas they are not light if convicted. That's the ticket... Can you get a CONVICTION?

$500-$1,500: Theft - Texas Class A Misdemeanor - Carries up to a year in jail and a potential fine up to 4000 USD

$1,500-$20,000: Theft: - State Jail Felony - 180 days and 2 years in prison with potential fines as high as $10,000.

So how does it play out? Say you get a max conviction of a 2000 USD theft in Texas by a no holds bared Judge. That would be a fine of 10000 USD and 30 months in jail. Rehab, probation, and good time knock him down to 10 months jail time. Over crowding will know off another 4 months so 6 months jail time and a year of probation where he has to keep clean and continue to pay off his debt with the probation fees. Meh... Most likely it would be a 2000 to 5000 USD fine and he's out...

Ya might think this is not a square deal. But considering the cost of 20000 USD a year to house a healthy inmate in Texas it turns into a real dilemma. If ya think about it that would be a cost of 50000 USD to keep a healthy guy in jail for 30 months on a 2000 USD theft.

I can personally say this, "I can't complain too much about or penal/punishment system because I really don't have a possible solution"...

So what will I do when they steal my bikes?


https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-pr...-of-good-grief
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Old 12-28-22, 02:44 PM
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A good pantsing.
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Old 12-28-22, 02:48 PM
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I like the Texas approach, but it is missing restitution (should be 2x of value) to the victim! The state makes out with some compensation.
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Old 12-28-22, 02:52 PM
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I suppose the SCOTUS would rule branding an icon of whatever was stolen by a convicted thief on their forehead cruel and unusual punishment.
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Old 12-28-22, 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by bikingshearer View Post
Headphones permanently attached to their head, with a continuous playlist of "Baby Shark," "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" (the second, sappier version from the 1970s), a recording of any beginning violin class, a Barney medley, and the Kars 4 Kidz jingle. On random. For ever.
barney... very scary
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Old 12-28-22, 04:13 PM
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Originally Posted by bikingshearer View Post
Headphones permanently attached to their head, with a continuous playlist of "Baby Shark," "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" (the second, sappier version from the 1970s), a recording of any beginning violin class, a Barney medley, and the Kars 4 Kidz jingle. On random. For ever.
You forgot to include an endless play loop of "El Bimbo" and Hawaiian celebrity, Don Ho singing "Pearly Shells"...... Favorites of old, matron Aunties during family reunion parties in the early 70's, which literally drove me insane when I heard them as a kid......
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Old 12-28-22, 04:23 PM
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They should be forced to ride a century in the heat with only a seat post and no saddle.
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Old 12-28-22, 04:29 PM
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Originally Posted by bikingshearer View Post
Headphones permanently attached to their head, with a continuous playlist of "Baby Shark," "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" (the second, sappier version from the 1970s), a recording of any beginning violin class, a Barney medley, and the Kars 4 Kidz jingle. On random. For ever.
Kindness.
Real punishment is needed. Earphones glued to ears. Paul Anka singing [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFHWl-ZyRAg]Having my baby in an endless loop while being forced to ride a stationary bike with no seat and a 20" schwinn tip seatpost aimed right at your sensitive area...
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Old 12-28-22, 04:33 PM
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Old 12-28-22, 07:26 PM
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Originally Posted by stardognine View Post
In the really old days, there was a thing called the Hammurabi Code (sp?). They just cut your hand off, which would certainly make it harder to steal again. 😲

That's obviously a little harsh, maybe just breaking a hand would be sufficient. 🤔😉
https://wikiislam.net/wiki/Amputation_in_Islamic_Law

I'm sure there are less bike thieves... (but I don't say "hey thats the way to go).
Although after losing quite a few bikes to thieves (and one time I met one who was just preparing to steal one and even told that to my face with a style of a true gentleman) I often thought about this, and came up with harmless to brutal solutions.
So far the winner, if I could do anything is to hang the guy in a straight jacket from a lamppost (rope on the jacket, not on neck!) with a sign "I'm a bike thief". Then lets see, how democracy works in our town. I wouldn't even stay for the show, would be enough to learn from the news if the police were faster to save him or the bikers to challenge their anger management.
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Old 12-28-22, 07:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Chombi1 View Post
You forgot to include an endless play loop of "El Bimbo" and Hawaiian celebrity, Don Ho singing "Pearly Shells"...... Favorites of old, matron Aunties during family reunion parties in the early 70's, which literally drove me insane when I heard them as a kid......
Originally Posted by Schweinhund View Post


Consider "El Bimbo," "Pearly Shells" and Paul Anka's personal ticket to hell added to the miscreants' play list. A cruel fate, to be sure, but nothing worse than they deserve.

On a related topic: I am against the death penalty in general, but in favor of it for people who break glass on the road.
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Old 12-28-22, 07:54 PM
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Instead of punishment we should pay more attention on prevention (Joe King here)
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Old 12-28-22, 08:04 PM
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The bike thief should be forced to ride a Wal-Mart fixed gear for twenty miles, up a 15% grade, attached to an enema bag filled with Frank's RedHot! sauce.

Feel free to suggest appropriate chin music.
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Old 12-28-22, 08:08 PM
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Not sure how this hasnt been shuttles to the Foo thread already, but Id suggest something productive: divide the cost of the stolen goods by minimum wage and that equals the number of community service hours owed picking up trash along bike routes, including sweeping up broken glass. Minimum of 50 hours.
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Old 12-28-22, 08:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Lattz View Post
https://wikiislam.net/wiki/Amputation_in_Islamic_Law

I'm sure there are less bike thieves... (but I don't say "hey thats the way to go).
Although after losing quite a few bikes to thieves (and one time I met one who was just preparing to steal one and even told that to my face with a style of a true gentleman) I often thought about this, and came up with harmless to brutal solutions.
So far the winner, if I could do anything is to hang the guy in a straight jacket from a lamppost (rope on the jacket, not on neck!) with a sign "I'm a bike thief". Then lets see, how democracy works in our town. I wouldn't even stay for the show, would be enough to learn from the news if the police were faster to save him or the bikers to challenge their anger management.
I don't have the stomach or disposition to actually amputate or break someone's hand. But I definitely feel the anger & frustration, when any of my stuff is stolen.

I guess turning it over to your "higher power" is the right answer, but that's usually easier said than done.
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Old 12-28-22, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by kunsunoke View Post
The bike thief should be forced to ride a Wal-Mart fixed gear for twenty miles, up a 15% grade, attached to an enema bag filled with Frank's RedHot! sauce.

Feel free to suggest appropriate chin music.
Oh you beat me to it, was wondering about a special triathlon, like Pikes Peak on a record bike, swimming with sharks or piranhas etc... running in the Devil's Golf Course or some other nice terrain. Since even the gladiators got a chance to earn their freedom, maybe a pack of thieves could race and the winner could live on in the jail.
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