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The Horror: Junk Build, High-End-Hatchet job, Frankenbike Challenge Extravaganza

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The Horror: Junk Build, High-End-Hatchet job, Frankenbike Challenge Extravaganza

Old 09-03-23, 01:36 PM
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The Horror: Junk Build, High-End-Hatchet job, Frankenbike Challenge Extravaganza

Welcome fellow crazies to the offseason inundation of Walmart Halloween sales. Our antidote (The Three Daves, your humble emcees) is to stick that holiday spirit where it belongs, into a Frankenbike. Great thing about this challenge is there is no judgment. What inspires you should guide your mechanical brush.

Since this is only for fun (and friendly competition), the scoring is largely done by the participants! Keep track. No budget constraints, you do not HAVE to ride to compete, and it is mostly funded by the bottom (YES THE BOTTOM) of your parts bins. Since this is the reverse of the world wide sensation Huffente thread, your canvas can be a decent frame (not a Huffy). Again we don’t judge so let your bike conscience be your guide.

The competition is in the self-policed point system. Each participant, in addition to owning a fantastic ride dampened by whatever crap you put on it, is their own judge! (The Three Daves will be issuing awards based on craptasticness, originality, aesthetic beauty/ugliness, etc…).

Additionally, you do not NEED to ride it, but points will be awarded for those who choose to ride it (be safe, sort of).

The Points:
  1. The number of countries represented by your Frankenbike (3 points per country)
  2. The number of separate COMPANIES represented by your Frankenbike (2 points per)
  3. Halloween colors (Frankenstein, right) - 3 points each for Orange, Green, Purple and Black
  4. Oddities and Absurdities (no hints given since then it is isn’t odd and absurd) (2 points each)
  5. Custom paint that makes the forum community cringe (3 points)...the parts should already curdle the bowels of the community.
  6. Ride points (1 point for each check point (25km) passed up to 100 km (4 points))
  7. Inclement weather points-any picture submitted with your frankenbike in inclement weather (rain, snow, super thick fog, lightning, blizzard, tornado, hurricane) - add one point if you can safely do so. Surviving a lightning strike is worth 5 points.
    1. Disclaimer: we are not suggesting that people ride in inclement weather for the sake of this competition. The three Daves would never put such pressure for such a thing
  8. Unique and artistic picture of your Frankenbike that embodies the spirit of the steed - 2 points
The dates are somewhat flexible for building/riding, but in the spirit of Halloween we thought we’d have that as a goal for the build (no worries if the date becomes unreasonable…Frankenbike can arise in smoke as convenient. The true end date is December 31 so that participants can start scouring FB marketplace for their Clunker Challenge steeds.

Please post progress pictures for our humor…er…interest, completed Frankenbikes, pictures of your Frankenbike running wild and free, pictures of gaping onlookers get bonus points, and a final heartwarming picture of you and your special Frankenbike is sure to heat the cockles of our hearts for the new year.

Participate! Have fun! And remember, most things are reversible in the biking world.
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Old 09-03-23, 01:38 PM
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My entry

So what should the candidate be for a low-end parts build…a Huffy, Murray? No, they already are worthy recipients of inoperable parts. Maybe a Centurion or Cannondale. Interesting but not gag-inducing interesting. Enter the Colnago. Ernesto is likely getting litigation ready as we speak.



As received…powdercoated, slight ripple, converted to fixie…the perfect cadaver to bring to life as a Frankenbike. New Paint…sure. Low end outfitting…absolutely. Likely to bring angst to purists. I hope so.



Campagnolo Super Record seatpost…gotta go. Campy brake and lever…too good. Fixie wheels…maybe they come back at a later date. Original Cinelli stem and Campione bars…nah. Propulsion crankset…what the hell brand is that? Campy headset (that might stay)




This will require a deft component choice, some poorly chosen paint, and mismatches everywhere!

Bwahahahaha

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Old 09-03-23, 01:43 PM
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Fantastic pick, jdawginsc !! I can't wait to see the gag reflexes it induces in some of the more prim and proper members here. They better get their barf bags ready, because there are more shenanigans to come!



User:
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Credentials: Builder/Owner of the worst/dumbest and most pointless bike project ever, the Huffente!

Challenge Submission: 'The Crapamount' (1972 Schwinn Paramount).





Introduction:


In the world of Classic and Vintage bicycles, there is perhaps no other bike that is as undisputedly, universally revered, respected, and desired. There is no high-end bicycle collection that would be considered complete without at least one nervex-lugged Paramount from the golden era of classic, vintage steel road cycles.

Therefore, it only makes sense then, to select the Paramount as my crappy, junky, frankenbike. My grand plan is to select some of the most questionable parts I can possibly find, while trying to still meet the criteria of the build challenge. And since you all know me -- I specialize in the absolute junkiest, seamed gas-pipe pieces of garbage bikes -- so I have quite the parts stash of components you would only find in the damp, dark corner of a horror movie basement.

The bike; the history -

It started out so naively, so innocently. I was taken in by the siren call of the Paramount, lulled into the false sense of security of a 'quality bike', hoping to catch a glance of a graceful beauty, but instead got a staring contest with Madusa.





These are $1000 bikes when complete on the used market, which was quite a bit to swing. So when I found an 'issues' frame for far less in the sales forum, I jumped at the chance! Well, all was well and went super smooth until I actually got the frame. I pulled the frame out of the shipping box and almost instantly found a crack in the dropout braze joint. There was no easy solution, and I was going to lose either keeping or returning, so I ate the loss and kept the frame. You win some, you lose some.





The bike became the butt of a few jokes in the Huffente thread, with its nickname coming from our very own esteemed member cudak888 . I think he actually likes these bikes, so I'm guessing that he would be horrified by this incomprehensible, laughable vision for the build, so I wanted to make sure he got credit for it

In an effort to punish the frame for being built in such a mediocre 'Friday-afternoon special' fashion, we are going to give the bike what it deserves - nothing special, that's for sure! Terrible parts, and an even worse spray paint job, in the thread's theme colors. I don't care about originality, sentimental feelings, or nostalgia. I just want the points.

I hope that my submission encourages you to admit that the Paramount can be a horrible bike, just like so many other bikes that some so easily criticize. The reality is that they are no more immune to hokey, suspect build construction than other tarnished, reprehensible brands (like Raleigh, for example), and my bike is the proof. Shoot, some of my junkiest bikes were built better than this useless paperweight. Not only is the dropout coming apart, but the seat tube is crumpled up. My Huffy's stamped dropouts have proven more robust, and with tubing 3x as thick, is far less susceptible to rust and damage than this silly thing built with all the durability of a china cabinet. I'm looking forward to it riding way worse than my Huffy. Oh, and it will be ridden. With or without the crack. At least if the dropout snaps off, I'll be so weighed down with unimaginably heavy junk components, I really won't be going fast no matter what, and my safety is nearly guaranteed.
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Last edited by AdventureManCO; 09-03-23 at 04:25 PM.
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Old 09-03-23, 01:49 PM
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-----

Ernesto appears he may be the survivor of a stretch n' roll treatment

-----
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Old 09-03-23, 01:50 PM
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Originally Posted by AdventureManCO
Fantastic pick, jdawginsc !! I can't wait to see the gag reflexes it induces in some of the more prim and proper members here. They better get their barf bags ready, because there are more shenanigans to come!



User:
AdventureManCO


Credentials: Builder/Owner of the worst/dumbest and most pointless bike project ever, the Huffente!

Challenge Submission: 'The Crapamount' (1972 Schwinn Paramount).





Introduction:


In the world of Classic and Vintage bicycles, there is perhaps no other bike that is as undisputedly, universally revered, respected, and desired. There is no high-end bicycle collection that would be considered complete without at least one nervex-lugged Paramount from the golden era of classic, vintage steel road cycles.

Therefore, it only makes sense then, to select the Paramount as my crappy, junky, frankenbike. My grand plan is to select some of the most questionable parts I can possibly find, while trying to still meet the criteria of the build challenge. And since you all know me -- I specialize in the absolute junkiest, seamed gas-pipe pieces of garbage bikes -- so I have quite the parts stash of components you would only find in the damp, dark corner of a horror movie basement.

The bike; the history -

It started out so naively, so innocently. I was taken in by the siren call of the Paramount, lulled into the false sense of security of a 'quality bike', hoping to catch a glance of a graceful beauty, but instead got a staring contest with Madusa.





These are $1000 bikes when complete on the used market, which was quite a bit to swing. So when I found an 'issues' frame for far less in the sales forum, I jumped at the chance! Well, all was well and went super smooth until I actually got the frame. I pulled the frame out of the shipping box and almost instantly found a crack in the dropout braze joint. There was no easy solution, and I was going to lose either keeping or returning, so I ate the loss and kept the frame. You win some, you lose some.





The bike became the butt of a few jokes in the Huffente thread, with its nickname coming from our very own esteemed member Cudak888. I think he actually likes these bikes, so I'm guessing that he would be horrified by this incomprehensible, laughable vision for the bike, so I wanted to make sure he got credit for it.

In an effort to punish the frame for being built in such a mediocre 'Friday-afternoon special' fashion, we are going to give the bike what it deserves - nothing special, that's for sure! Terrible parts, and an even worse spray paint job, in the thread's theme colors. I don't care about originality, sentimental feelings, or nostalgia. I just want the points.

I hope that my submission encourages you to admit that the Paramount can be a horrible bike, just like so many other bikes that some so easily criticize. The reality is that they are no more immune to hokey, suspect build construction than other tarnished, reprehensible brands (like Raleigh, for example), and my bike is the proof. Shoot, some of my junkiest bikes were built better than this useless paperweight. Not only is the dropout coming apart, but the seat tube is crumpled up. My Huffy's stamped dropouts have proven more robust, and with tubing 3x as thick, is far less susceptible to rust and damage than this silly thing built with all the durability of a china cabinet. I'm looking forward to it riding way worse than my Huffy. Oh, and it will be ridden. With or without the crack. At least if the dropout snaps off, I'll be so weighed down with unimaginably heavy junk components, I really won't be going fast no matter what, and my safety is nearly guaranteed.
​​​​​​​Excellent choice AMCo! Cringe ripples are being felt around the globe (well maybe just in Colorado, but they are sure to expand!)
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Old 09-03-23, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by juvela
-----

Ernesto appears he may be the survivor of a stretch n' roll treatment

-----
The good news is it has been ridden 3000+ miles in that state!
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Old 09-03-23, 01:53 PM
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Cannondale ST400, anyone?

This is a two-fer. It’s already run once in the Clunker Challenge of 2021; since stripped and offered for sale with zero takers; and now the recipient of a mini B.O.C fork and headset.




Burning question in my head - so I run it as pictured with the C’dale’s original front sidepull sans wheel guides or do I find a cantilever setup that works with this fork and a 700C front wheel?




I had talked myself into keeping this one for S24O overnight camping but now I am questioning my sanity.

And then this challenge comes along ….
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Old 09-03-23, 02:11 PM
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AdventureManCO , that frame doesn't have issues, it has volumes.
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Old 09-03-23, 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by rustystrings61
This is a two-fer. It’s already run once in the Clunker Challenge of 2021; since stripped and offered for sale with zero takers; and now the recipient of a mini B.O.C fork and headset.




Burning question in my head - so I run it as pictured with the C’dale’s original front sidepull sans wheel guides or do I find a cantilever setup that works with this fork and a 700C front wheel?




I had talked myself into keeping this one for S24O overnight camping but now I am questioning my sanity.

And then this challenge comes along ….
We aim to please!
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Old 09-03-23, 04:12 PM
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Originally Posted by rustystrings61




Burning question in my head - so I run it as pictured with the C’dale’s original front sidepull sans wheel guides or do I find a cantilever setup that works with this fork and a 700C front wheel?







This thread rewards insanity, so you may have just pulled a golden ticket!
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Old 09-03-23, 04:18 PM
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Originally Posted by jdawginsc
Excellent choice AMCo! Cringe ripples are being felt around the globe (well maybe just in Colorado, but they are sure to expand!)


Hahaha...the screech heard around the world! Just wait. You have no idea the horrors I have planned. If folks thought putting nice stuff on a Huffy was distasteful, just wait till they can see what I do with the inverse on a Paramount. Rest of C&V =
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Old 09-03-23, 04:22 PM
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Interesting choices indeed! I will add my Swiss made Othon Ochsner to this endeavor as it has a certain low build number frame maker (making it a bit exotic and rare). I have been away for the week-end coaching (my real job) and will send pictures tomorrow when I have recovered from two days on the golf course working with young players. I am confident my stash can yield up enough horrific items that when mashed together will offend even the most non-discriminatory reader. My Ochsner was the offering of hazetguy and his children that they found in a co-op, and sent to me. So it has a great connection to the BF community, and a tip of the cap to all who participate. As Jimmy Buffet would say; "I hope you like what we have done to your frame Jon". Smiles, MH
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Old 09-03-23, 05:35 PM
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So the goal is to make a sow’s ear from a silk purse? I’m having trouble following the intent. Is there an abridged version?
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Old 09-03-23, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by nlerner
So the goal is to make a sow’s ear from a silk purse? I’m having trouble following the intent. Is there an abridged version?
You got it...right on the nail head. Temporarily delve into the absurd...!

Besides, what better way to judge the iconic frame(s) than with crapperific clothing! For fun and weirdness.

Hope that helps!
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Old 09-03-23, 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by nlerner
So the goal is to make a sow’s ear from a silk purse? I’m having trouble following the intent. Is there an abridged version?
So with a whole lot of high end parts even a Huffy can look good and ride well, but what happens when you take the high end frame and use some less than perfect components on it? It is a testament to what even the less than desire-able parts can accomplish on a nice frame. Besides, we have all had plenty of views of the most desire-able bikes with high dollar parts, what about those that can't have the best parts even though it is a nice frame? The quest here is to find a good rider with less than fine parts. Smiles, CrapMaster Honk
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Old 09-03-23, 07:10 PM
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Originally Posted by nlerner
So the goal is to make a sow’s ear from a silk purse? I’m having trouble following the intent. Is there an abridged version?
Trust me...this bike is no silk purse. Its a paperweight piece of garbage with bad paint, a huge dent, and now a crack in the frame, and instead of lamenting over the fact I'd need to spend insane amounts of money and destroy the only selling point the bike originally had (the really nice chrome) we are going to lean in to the wallhanger wasteland that this bike is aimlessly roaming around in, and have a little fun with it. It owes me. Now it has a purpose.
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Old 09-03-23, 07:17 PM
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Originally Posted by jdawginsc
You got it...right on the nail head. Temporarily delve into the absurd...!

Besides, what better way to judge the iconic frame(s) than with crapperific clothing! For fun and weirdness.

Hope that helps!
Originally Posted by Mad Honk
So with a whole lot of high end parts even a Huffy can look good and ride well, but what happens when you take the high end frame and use some less than perfect components on it? It is a testament to what even the less than desire-able parts can accomplish on a nice frame. Besides, we have all had plenty of views of the most desire-able bikes with high dollar parts, what about those that can't have the best parts even though it is a nice frame? The quest here is to find a good rider with less than fine parts. Smiles, CrapMaster Honk
Well, you pretty much describe most of my fleet. There’s a reason I don’t have any Campy equipped C&V bikes.

Originally Posted by AdventureManCO
Trust me...this bike is no silk purse. Its an paperweight piece of garbage with bad paint, a huge dent, and now a crack in the frame, and instead of lamenting over the fact I'd need to spend insane amounts of money and destroy the only selling point the bike originally had (the really nice chrome) we are going to lean in to the wallhanger wasteland that this bike is aimlessly roaming around in, and have a little fun with it. It owes me. Now it has a purpose.
I think a tall-bike project might be called for: Huffy on the bottom and Paramount on top? Or vice versa?

And this can’t be a Dave-driven project until @davester weighs in.
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Old 09-03-23, 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by nlerner
Well, you pretty much describe most of my fleet. There’s a reason I don’t have any Campy equipped C&V bikes.



I think a tall-bike project might be called for: Huffy on the bottom and Paramount on top? Or vice versa?

And this can’t be a Dave-driven project until @davester weighs in.
Any number of Daves are welcome...as well as Neals, Freds, Hermans, Janes, Beatrices and Marys! Come one come all!

Plus, it’s a good way to stave off frustration at the little angsts that befall serious projects! And a glorification of all of the Frankenbikes that get no respect!

Thats what’s motivating me anyhow.

Plus, think of all of the fun sourcing as many different countries’ and companies’ parts as you can, painting a frame that needs better restoration and riding in the cool fall weather!
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Old 09-03-23, 07:50 PM
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Can I pull a bike out of mothballs that pretty much clean it up to compete that pretty much is max on all categories?
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Old 09-03-23, 07:59 PM
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If I didn't have so many bikes to work on at the moment...

I may be tempted to see if a set of cheap 26" wheels and long-reach BMX calipers will fit on a Trek 5200 OCLV frame that's been put away for a future project. Maybe even hi-rise bars...
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Old 09-03-23, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by nlerner
And this can’t be a Dave-driven project until @davester weighs in.
I'll definitely weigh in once I see some of the entries!
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Old 09-03-23, 09:24 PM
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Originally Posted by davester
I'll definitely weigh in once I see some of the entries!
¿confused here, too?
So a high-end frame almost everything Italian, but French rims and German tires.
But they put these lousy brakes and poor implementation of indexed shifting in '86.
Winner?
Still love it. Requires that skillfully sublime technique.
excuse the fuzzy delta - may look for better pic, mañana.


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Old 09-03-23, 10:56 PM
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Originally Posted by zukahn1
Can I pull a bike out of mothballs that pretty much clean it up to compete that pretty much is max on all categories?
Let's see it. You've got me curious.


Originally Posted by RCMoeur
If I didn't have so many bikes to work on at the moment...

I may be tempted to see if a set of cheap 26" wheels and long-reach BMX calipers will fit on a Trek 5200 OCLV frame that's been put away for a future project. Maybe even hi-rise bars...
What a fantastic temptation. Remember, parts are reversible, there is no harm, except to your sanity! And that might just be temporary - maybe!


Originally Posted by Wildwood
¿confused here, too?
So a high-end frame almost everything Italian, but French rims and German tires.
But they put these lousy brakes and poor implementation of indexed shifting in '86.
Winner?
Still love it. Requires that skillfully sublime technique.
excuse the fuzzy delta - may look for better pic, mañana.

Love it. Beautiful bike. Screams quality. Of course, if you feel those brakes are horrible, throw them up on ebay and sell them for $300 then grab some steel Huffy side-pulls from the dumpster at your local co-op to throw on there and pocket $300. You will still have terrible braking but now $300 in your pocket. AND have an American part on your bike for more points. Win-win.

I've also got a spare set of delrin Simplex clamp-on friction shifters (if those Campy ones get too frustrating) that you can have for free!
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Old 09-04-23, 06:11 AM
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Originally Posted by davester
I'll definitely weigh in once I see some of the entries!
A few pre-craziness entries above and Mad Honk is likely to furnish pictures of his.

The bottom line...sacrilege of a decent to high end frame. But it should evoke groans, agita and perhaps nausea...

I am torn on how low to go. Mine will get a scary paint job on top of the powder coat (don’t feel like stripping it twice), then what comes after will be eclectic. I am trying not to repeat a brand, but my worst stuff went to the co-op.

It will still be embarrassing. Ernesto might get a chuckle if he every saw it.
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Old 09-04-23, 06:36 AM
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I have the perfect candidate acquired last month for free.

1992-3 badly kept Klein Pinnacle...

...with paint that is beautiful in most places...

.and cancerous in several other places.

This will be great fun and I already have most of the really bad components to hang on what was back in the day, an expensive MTB.

What say the Daves? Does an early Nineties Klein qualify?
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