Favorite Fat Jokes?
02-11-09, 06:30 PM
#26
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Yo momma so fat,
1. she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
2. when she tripped over on Fourth Avenue, she landed on Twelfth.
3. she’s got her own area code.
4. when she talks to herself, it’s a long distance call.
5. she’s got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
6. whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in.
7. she was born on the fourth, fifth, and sixth of March.
8. she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her for the New World.
9. she wears aluminum siding.
10. she could fall down and wouldn’t even know it.
***
11. she got hit by a VW and had to go to the hospital to have it removed.
12. the sign inside one restaurant says, “Maximum occupancy, 512, or Yo momma.”
13. she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
14. the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
15. her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
16. she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
17. when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate.
18. when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
19. she was zoned for commercial development.
20. when she sings, it’s over for everybody.
***
21. she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagen.
22. when she was walking down the street and I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.
23. when she dances, she makes the band skip.
24. when she got her shoes shined, she had to take the guy’s word for it.
25. she gets group insurance.
26. she’s on both sides of the family.
27. she can’t reach her back pocket.
28. she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
29. when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again.
30. when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
***
31. when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live.
32. we’re in her right now.
33. when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.
34. her bellybutton’s got an echo.
35. when she turns around people throw her a welcome back party.
36. her belly button doesn’t have lint, it has sweaters.
37. the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.
38. a picture of her would fall off the wall.
39. when she gets on the scale, it says “To be continued.”
40. she sat on a dollar, and when she got up there were four quarters.
***
41. she fell in love and broke it.
42. when she takes a shower, her feet don’t get wet.
43. you have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
44. when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
45. when she wears a yellow raincoat people holler, “Taxi.”
46. when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.
47. she could sell shade.
48. people jog around her for exercise.
49. she gets runs in her jeans.
50. when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back.
***
51. she eats Wheat Thicks.
52. light bends around her.
53. when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
54. her graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
55. her job title is spoon and fork operator.
56. she left the house in high heels, and when she came back she had on flip-flops.
57. you have to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
58. she has to wake up in sections.
59. she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington’s nose.
60. she walked into the Gap and filled it.
***
61. she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
62. she comes at you from all directions.
63. when she was growing up she didn’t play with dolls, she played with midgets.
64. she uses two buses for roller-blades.
65. when she goes to a buffet, she gets the group rate.
66. she doesn’t eat with a fork, she eats with a forklift.
67. Weight Watchers won’t look at her.
68. the last time the landlord saw her, he doubled the rent.
69. she put on some BVDs and by the time she got them on, they spelled “boulevard.”
70. I ran around her twice and got lost.
***
71. the shadow of her butt weighs 100 pounds.
72. the National Weather Service names each one of her farts.
73. when she’s standing on the corner police drive by and yell, “Hey, break it up.”
74. she’s been declared a natural habitat for condors.
75. she sets off car alarms when she runs.
76. when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
77. her blood type is Ragu.
78. they had to let out the shower curtain.
79. when she runs the fifty-yard dash she needs an overnight bag.
80. she can’t even fit in the chat room.
***
81. she gets her toenails painted at Lucky’s Auto Body.
82. she doesn’t have a tailor, she has a contractor.
83. she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big.
84. she was in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade…wearing ropes.
85. she went on a light diet. As soon as it’s light she starts eating.
86. she’s half Italian, half Irish, and half American.
87. when her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up.
88. when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.
89. when she goes in a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, “Okay.”
90. she puts her lipstick on with a paint roller.
***
91. she has to pull down her pants to get in her pocket.
92. her waist size is the Equator.
93. she’s got her own zip code.
94. she has to buy two plane tickets.
95. she stands in two time zones.
96. she fell and created the Grand Canyon.
97. she can’t even jump to a conclusion.
98. she fell out of both sides of her bed.
1. she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
2. when she tripped over on Fourth Avenue, she landed on Twelfth.
3. she’s got her own area code.
4. when she talks to herself, it’s a long distance call.
5. she’s got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
6. whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in.
7. she was born on the fourth, fifth, and sixth of March.
8. she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her for the New World.
9. she wears aluminum siding.
10. she could fall down and wouldn’t even know it.
***
11. she got hit by a VW and had to go to the hospital to have it removed.
12. the sign inside one restaurant says, “Maximum occupancy, 512, or Yo momma.”
13. she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
14. the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
15. her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
16. she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
17. when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate.
18. when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
19. she was zoned for commercial development.
20. when she sings, it’s over for everybody.
***
21. she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagen.
22. when she was walking down the street and I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.
23. when she dances, she makes the band skip.
24. when she got her shoes shined, she had to take the guy’s word for it.
25. she gets group insurance.
26. she’s on both sides of the family.
27. she can’t reach her back pocket.
28. she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
29. when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again.
30. when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
***
31. when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live.
32. we’re in her right now.
33. when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.
34. her bellybutton’s got an echo.
35. when she turns around people throw her a welcome back party.
36. her belly button doesn’t have lint, it has sweaters.
37. the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.
38. a picture of her would fall off the wall.
39. when she gets on the scale, it says “To be continued.”
40. she sat on a dollar, and when she got up there were four quarters.
***
41. she fell in love and broke it.
42. when she takes a shower, her feet don’t get wet.
43. you have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
44. when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
45. when she wears a yellow raincoat people holler, “Taxi.”
46. when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.
47. she could sell shade.
48. people jog around her for exercise.
49. she gets runs in her jeans.
50. when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back.
***
51. she eats Wheat Thicks.
52. light bends around her.
53. when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
54. her graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
55. her job title is spoon and fork operator.
56. she left the house in high heels, and when she came back she had on flip-flops.
57. you have to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
58. she has to wake up in sections.
59. she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington’s nose.
60. she walked into the Gap and filled it.
***
61. she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
62. she comes at you from all directions.
63. when she was growing up she didn’t play with dolls, she played with midgets.
64. she uses two buses for roller-blades.
65. when she goes to a buffet, she gets the group rate.
66. she doesn’t eat with a fork, she eats with a forklift.
67. Weight Watchers won’t look at her.
68. the last time the landlord saw her, he doubled the rent.
69. she put on some BVDs and by the time she got them on, they spelled “boulevard.”
70. I ran around her twice and got lost.
***
71. the shadow of her butt weighs 100 pounds.
72. the National Weather Service names each one of her farts.
73. when she’s standing on the corner police drive by and yell, “Hey, break it up.”
74. she’s been declared a natural habitat for condors.
75. she sets off car alarms when she runs.
76. when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
77. her blood type is Ragu.
78. they had to let out the shower curtain.
79. when she runs the fifty-yard dash she needs an overnight bag.
80. she can’t even fit in the chat room.
***
81. she gets her toenails painted at Lucky’s Auto Body.
82. she doesn’t have a tailor, she has a contractor.
83. she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big.
84. she was in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade…wearing ropes.
85. she went on a light diet. As soon as it’s light she starts eating.
86. she’s half Italian, half Irish, and half American.
87. when her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up.
88. when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.
89. when she goes in a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, “Okay.”
90. she puts her lipstick on with a paint roller.
***
91. she has to pull down her pants to get in her pocket.
92. her waist size is the Equator.
93. she’s got her own zip code.
94. she has to buy two plane tickets.
95. she stands in two time zones.
96. she fell and created the Grand Canyon.
97. she can’t even jump to a conclusion.
98. she fell out of both sides of her bed.
02-11-09, 09:53 PM
#28
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OK, all PC mavens stay away. For the rest of you, do you have any favorite fat jokes?
My own personal favorite is the claim a friend made that when I was 400 pounds I could be looked up on Google Earth. "Hey look, there's Neil!"
Then again, a friend got a good crack on me during my weight loss. I was excited about slipping below 320 pounds, and, excited by the sight of the scale reading, blurted out that I'd seen "something I never thought I'd see!"
"It's called a p*nis, Neil, every guy's got one."
My own personal favorite is the claim a friend made that when I was 400 pounds I could be looked up on Google Earth. "Hey look, there's Neil!"
Then again, a friend got a good crack on me during my weight loss. I was excited about slipping below 320 pounds, and, excited by the sight of the scale reading, blurted out that I'd seen "something I never thought I'd see!"
"It's called a p*nis, Neil, every guy's got one."
How about some good jokes at the enemies expense, the skinny whinny, you know the type of person who turns sideways and disappears...
02-11-09, 10:52 PM
#29
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You mean like the one about the guy who was so skinny when he was invited to a costume party he stuck out his tongue and went as a zipper.
02-12-09, 07:29 AM
#30
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It's cool that heavy people can laugh along or at themselves but I just can't put up with others having fun at their expense. I knew a gal at work that was round in stature. She was very shy too, maybe aobut 30'ish. Just as she bought a pack of Twinkies from the vending machine, some roid abuser took it upon himself to embarrass her in front of a large crowd. He asked,"don't you think you've had enough of those already?". She nearly cried but instead went into an uncontrolled hysterical laugh!
That's when I was at my prime in pumping iron so I approached him and told him a POS I thought he was and asked why he didn't pick on someone like me that could defend themselves. "Why don't pick on someone that you know would beat your arse if you're such a tough guy instead of a defenseless woman" I asked. Then I proceeded to tell him that he ahd had more than his share of beans and tortillas himself.
He didn't know what to say but I can tell you roids don't make your bahlls bigger cause that day in front of a crowd, he had just shown he had none!
I just can't take someone making fun of a fat person. If you kid about yourself that's fine but if I see a moron attack you, I'll be the first to jump in and put a stop to it!
That's when I was at my prime in pumping iron so I approached him and told him a POS I thought he was and asked why he didn't pick on someone like me that could defend themselves. "Why don't pick on someone that you know would beat your arse if you're such a tough guy instead of a defenseless woman" I asked. Then I proceeded to tell him that he ahd had more than his share of beans and tortillas himself.
He didn't know what to say but I can tell you roids don't make your bahlls bigger cause that day in front of a crowd, he had just shown he had none!
I just can't take someone making fun of a fat person. If you kid about yourself that's fine but if I see a moron attack you, I'll be the first to jump in and put a stop to it!
OK that does it - I vote for Mr. Beanz as 2009 Poster of the Year! Thius just makes me like you even more...no worries Gina...but you are definitely lucky!
I totally agree on the fat jokes - Once in a while I may make a joke with another fat person - but I am really not willing to read all the jokes posted here...especially as a woman. Being fat for a ton of my life (no pun intended
) all the jokes are not enjoyable. And I am a very funny person - but is this who I was meant to be??? One of my best qualities is my humor...but would I have been so funny if I wasn't fat? I used to make a joke before others would - or laugh - when I certainly wanted to cry. And of course even today (wher I am now sexy as anything) I still cringe and feel awful when anyone makes fun of someone....and especially if it's for their weight or looks... So we may laugh amongst ourselves - but know that some people read this and do not feel wonderful reading it. IMHO Also - I suppose - anyone who would take offense does not have to read this...but.... suppose The Bee came here to C/A on her first day and saw the post headline... I might have just run away... and y;all know how I need this forum and have been so happy reading andposting and maybe as a result or in conjunction riding...
OK 'nuff said... I still think you all are fabuouls...but just wanted to say that the Bean has an awesome view point...and I am a fan.
Sue
02-12-09, 08:04 AM
#31
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OK that does it - I vote for Mr. Beanz as 2009 Poster of the Year! Thius just makes me like you even more...no worries Gina...but you are definitely lucky!
I totally agree on the fat jokes - Once in a while I may make a joke with another fat person - but I am really not willing to read all the jokes posted here...especially as a woman. Being fat for a ton of my life (no pun intended ) all the jokes are not enjoyable. And I am a very funny person - but is this who I was meant to be??? One of my best qualities is my humor...but would I have been so funny if I wasn't fat? I used to make a joke before others would - or laugh - when I certainly wanted to cry. And of course even today (wher I am now sexy as anything) I still cringe and feel awful when anyone makes fun of someone....and especially if it's for their weight or looks...
So we may laugh amongst ourselves - but know that some people read this and do not feel wonderful reading it. IMHO Also - I suppose - anyone who would take offense does not have to read this...but.... suppose The Bee came here to C/A on her first day and saw the post headline... I might have just run away... and y;all know how I need this forum and have been so happy reading andposting and maybe as a result or in conjunction riding...
OK 'nuff said... I still think you all are fabuouls...but just wanted to say that the Bean has an awesome view point...and I am a fan.
Sue
I totally agree on the fat jokes - Once in a while I may make a joke with another fat person - but I am really not willing to read all the jokes posted here...especially as a woman. Being fat for a ton of my life (no pun intended
) all the jokes are not enjoyable. And I am a very funny person - but is this who I was meant to be??? One of my best qualities is my humor...but would I have been so funny if I wasn't fat? I used to make a joke before others would - or laugh - when I certainly wanted to cry. And of course even today (wher I am now sexy as anything) I still cringe and feel awful when anyone makes fun of someone....and especially if it's for their weight or looks... So we may laugh amongst ourselves - but know that some people read this and do not feel wonderful reading it. IMHO Also - I suppose - anyone who would take offense does not have to read this...but.... suppose The Bee came here to C/A on her first day and saw the post headline... I might have just run away... and y;all know how I need this forum and have been so happy reading andposting and maybe as a result or in conjunction riding...
OK 'nuff said... I still think you all are fabuouls...but just wanted to say that the Bean has an awesome view point...and I am a fan.
Sue
No one is firing these jokes at other people. They are like handguns in a glass case, dangerous and wounding if used but harmless on display. If you don't like the exhibit, pass by. There are an awful lot of other things to see. There was a warning that PC mavens should stay away.
Also, I've been obese since childhood. I've heard it all, except the Google Earth joke since that program didn't exist until recently. Between developing a thick skin and the relief I've felt about losing weight, I'm entitled to use humor about myself. I'm not the only one - look at some of the user names on this sub-forum - LarDasse, BigTruck, and, ahem, Miss Bumble.
As for saying you might never have posted here because of a single thread, you can make that argument about ANY thread. How many people have looked at Touring and given up because of all the Long Haul Trucker threads? Should we censor those?
02-12-09, 10:52 AM
#32
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02-14-09, 08:51 PM
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