Craigslist post of the year-Maybe the decade!
 

hilarious!

That's classic!

My company's nazi firewall blocks Craig'slist. Any chance you can paste the text in a post?

That is awesome.

A few things from the bike shop.

Date: 2009-05-27, 4:05PM PDT

Whoo-hoo Seattle, the sun is out! Let's discuss a few things before you fumble with swapping the unused ski rack for the unused bike rack on the Subaru.

So yes, you've noticed the sun is out, and hey!- maybe it would be cool to to some bike riding. Let's keep in mind that the sun came out of all 600,000 of us, so for the most part, you're not the only one who noticed. Please remember that when you walk into my shop on a bright, sunny Saturday morning. It will save you from looking like a complete **** that huffs "Why are there so many people here?"

Are we all on the same page now about it being sunny outside? Have we all figured out that we're not the only clever people that feel sunny days are good for bike riding? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D starved fingers in mine, and we'll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier.

SOME POINTERS FOR THE PHONE:

- I don't know what size of bike you need. The only thing that I can tell over the phone is that you sound fat. I don't care how tall you are. I don't care how long your inseam is. Don't complain to me that you don't want to come ALL THE WAY down to the bike shop to get fitted for a bike. I have two hundred bikes in my inventory. I will find one that fits you. Whether you come from the north or the south, my shop is downhill. Pretend you're going to smell a fart, ball up, and roll your fat ass down here.

- Don't get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet
of people waiting for help, I can't deal with you sitting there "uuuuhhh"-ing and "uuummm"-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn't get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your **** out.

-I really do need to see your bike to know what is wrong with it. You've already figured out that when you car makes a noise, the mechanic needs to see it. When your TV goes blank, a technician needs to see it. I can tell you, if there is one thing I've learned from you ****ing squirrels, it's that "doesn't shift right" means your bike could need a slight cable adjustment, or you might just need to stop backing into it with the Subaru. Bring it in, I'll let you know for sure.

- No, I don't know how much a good bike costs. For some, spending $500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $500 won't buy you one good wheel. You really need to have an idea of what you want, because every one of you raccoons "doesn't want to spend too much".

FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS:

- Just because you think is should exist, doesn't mean that it does. I know that to you, a 14 inch quill stem makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a bike that fits you, not trying to make your mountain bike that was too small for you to begin with into a comfort bike.

- If some **** on some message board somewhere says that you can use the lockring from your bottom bracket as a lockring for a fixie conversion doesn't mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart.

- I love that you have the enthusiasm to build yourself a recumbent in the off season. That does not mean however, that I share your enthusiasm; ergo I won't do the "final tweaks" for you. You figure out why that Sram shifter and that Shimano rear derailleur don't work together. While we're at it, you recumbent people scare me a little. Don't bring that lumbering ****ing thing anywhere near me.

A DEDICATION TO ALL THE HIPSTER DUCHEBAGS:

-If you ****heads had any money, you wouldn't NEED a vintage Poo-zhow to get laid. Go have an ironic mustache growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 bikes to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on.

- Being made in the 80's may make something cool, but that doesn't automatically make something good. The reason that no one has ridden that "vintage" Murray is because it's ****. It was **** in the 80's, a trend it carried proudly through the 90's, and rallied with into the '00's. What I mean to say is, no, I can't make it work better. It's still ****, even with more air in the tires.

SO YOU'RE GONNA BUY A BIKE:

Good for you! Biking is awesome. It's easy, it's fun, it's good for you. I want you to bike, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you.

-Your co-worker that's "really into biking" knows **** all. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right bike. He wants to validate his bike purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear matching bike shorts with you.

- You're not a triathlete. You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.

- You're not a racer. If you were, I'd know you already, and you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.

- So you want a bike that you can ride to work, goes really fast, is good for that triathlon you're doing this summer (snicker), is good on trails and mud, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good.

ABOUT YOUR KIDS:

Your kids are amazing. Sure are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never see THAT around here.

- I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use this bike. As it seems to me, your precious is a little ********, and can't even use the damn thing now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the bike in the driveway where you will Subaru the bike to death LONG before the nose picker outgrows the bike.

- Stop being so jumpy. I am not a molester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I hold the back of the bike while your kid is on it, it's not because I get a thrill from *almost* having my hand on kid butt, it's because kids are unpredictable, and generally take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go. Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I'd feed them to sharks, because sharks are ****ING AWESOME.


I hope this helps, and have fun this summer riding your kick-ass bike!

heh heh heh, you sound fat.

Thats one thats one seriously angry bike shop owner. He doesn't want people to call, doesn't like helping Do-It-Yourself 'ers, doesn't expect triathletes or races to shop at store. And to top it off doesn't seem to like parents or kids. I am surprised his shop has anyone in it on Saturday morning. Maybe he should try another career less contact with people.

Now that is funny.

My guess is that if it is a real shop owner, he/she is coming to the end of the busy time of year. They have a wry somewhat twisted sense of humor, and an empty beer bottle or two sitting near the keyboard. They are merely amalgamating(sp) into one e-mail, every oddball encounter that they've had this year into one very funny posting. Sort of a end of season catharsis. Way back in the day I was parts manager in a motorcycle shop, and I know the feeling.

Well, now I see that is was originally posted in May..... I guess this is more of a pre-emptive catharsis.

I guess bike shop owners gotta vent somehow.

This was posted back in May (though maybe in the Road forum). Still funny though. Except triathletes start somewhere.

Yeah... in the water. :lol:

Every job has a down side. The shop owner is a good writer (funny). But as jobs go a bike shop is pretty low pressure. There aren't to many places you can work that your costumers are there to have fun. Having spent 25 years working in a Hospital I can't feel sorry for him.

That is hillarious. Fantastic post.

Dude's angry!

My read is he's just having some fun, blowing off a little steam, maybe after a day when all the crazies came into his shop.

Actually, it sounds a bit like the shopowner of a certain shop I do not go to any longer. Who knows if it's him, but he's the reason I no longer go there.

I do regret it when this attitude comes out on patrons in the store. I have found many bike shop owners in Seattle to be awfully dismissive of their customers.

I empathize with them, I really do. I've worked in retail.

But even ignorant customers can respond well to encouragement and education. Few respond well to condescension.

Ah man, Why'd you edit that!!! I really liked what you said and TOTALLY empathize with you. I was just getting ready to say that "I liked the cut of your jib". I don't understand why these LBS can't view their interactions with patrons as more collaborations, and less as 200% mark-ups.

as a retail manager i have to say that guy is a riot. too funny. he's probably ncie as can be in person...i always am, but in the back i've made some remarks that have deeply shocked even my employees. gotta let off the steam!

:lol:

Stupid water. I hate swimming. Why couldn't triathlons be cycling, running, and something less miserable, like bashing your head against the wall?

Two employees of the shop I worked at this summer posted this in our backroom on the same day, independent of each other. I was one of them.

I vote for ground sparring. Make your opponent tap out and you get to start biking.

Then again, some of them might not know what they're doing and accidentally twist their opponent's knee backwards.

It would be an awesomely hilarious sight, though. -- a couple hundred bodies lurching and writhing around with the occasional, "OW!.. Dammit...!" :lol:

I thought it was "in the closet".